WHO BUYS THE DAILY RECORD?

The Daily Record tells us how well Aberdeen did in getting that crucial away goal. Never mind the two against them; it's that vital away goal that makes all the difference. It should follow, then, that stopping a decent team from getting a 'crucial' away goal is just as important. Not according to the Record. Apparently the Celtic defence on Wednesday night wasn't that great and qualification for the group stages is 'still on a knife edge'. Surely a clean sheet is the most you can ask from any defence? Not in this case, it seems. In fact, it was hard to discern one positive note in the report on Wednesday's match. Not that the DR is prejudiced or anything, you understand!

Meanwhile, the Scott Allan saga goes on. Remember how, just a few weeks ago, the Record was banging on about Dundee Utd being 'bullied' by Celtic into selling Ciftci? United accepted an offer from Wigan but the player turned it down, while his agent, Pierre van Hooijdonk, let it be known that Ciftci quite fancied moving to Celtic. The DR came away with this: "MailSport understands United have not been impressed by van Hooijdonk’s comments and won’t be pressurised into a deal." So Big Pierre saying that Ciftci would prefer to go to Glasgow rather than Wigan was applying undue pressure and Celtic putting in bids to try to match what United was looking for was 'bullying'! In the end Celtic stumped up £1.5m and everybody was happy.

Quite a different story when it comes to Scott Allan, eh? This time we've got the player putting in transfer requests and telling all and sundry how going to Sevco would be his 'dream move'. Apparently he's supported them his whole life, which just goes to show how talented he actually is; not many three-year-olds make it into the professional game. And yet there's not been one word about 'bullying' in this instance. Sevco are trying to get Allan on the cheap and have unsettled both the player and the Hibs team in the process. And how do our agnivores react? They're piling the pressure on Hibs to let him go and are constantly going on about how unfair it all is on the player. He should be allowed to play for his 'childhood heroes' and he will be hated by the Hibs supporters for putting in that transfer request; in fact, he's already been the subject of 'death threats'. It's quite pathetic really when you look at it.

All this got me wondering about who the Daily Record's demographic is these days; who, exactly, is it aimed at? The terrible headlines, like, "Gunbelievable" and "So Far So Food" show that, these days, it's a distinctly down-market operation, trying to compete with the Sun. And there's certainly been a drop in writing standards; spelling mistakes, using singular verbs with plural nouns, mixing up words like 'flout' and 'flaunt' etc etc. So, straightaway, we can see that the Record is looking to appeal to those that sat in school picking their nose from the ages of 5 to 16.

We've already noticed that the paper is distinctly anti-Celtic; a point proven by the ridiculous lengths it goes to in order to get a negative story, like the 'pishing in Iraq' fiasco. So that whittles things down a bit. It's aimed at folk that hate Celtic, which you might expect from a lot of fans of other teams. So hating Celtic is almost a sine qua non for buying the Record. It also helps if you support one particular team.

The Record's fawning over Rangers and then Sevco is a thing of legend. Every Ibrox player is referred to as a 'star', everybody's always 'jetting in' and just pulling on a blue jersey with those kid-on stars makes you a 'legend'. A lot of sports journalists in this country are of the 'succulent lamb' variety but the Daily Record has always been way out in front in this respect; in fact this is the paper that gave us the phrase in the first place! You'll very rarely read a negative report about the Ibrox team; especially now. The club/company, however, is another matter.

Ever since the new club started, the Record has been in the vanguard of those wanting King and his ilk in the Blue Room to help propagate the Big Lie. Negative stories about the Ibrox board were de rigeur until Honest Dave took over. So now we've narrowed things down a bit further; the paper is aimed at Rangers supporters that can't accept that their club died and that see 'Real Rangers Men' as providing some kind of continuity from the old club. But we can narrow it down even more than that.

The other day there was an article about Scottish Labour somehow regaining its lost ground; a massive task considering the scale of its defeat. The main point was that Scottish Labour is going to have to 'rise above the Cybernats'; as if the party had been bullied and beaten into its current irrelevance. This touches on the next point of the intended readership: you should hate the SNP. Practically every day there's something negative about the SNP or the Scottish Government. For example, a couple of days ago the paper was lambasting the Scottish Government for allegedly letting fracking in through the back door. And yet, this self-same organ spent weeks publishing propaganda for Ineos, telling us how safe, clean and environmentally friendly fracking is. The DR also takes every opportunity to blame the current Scottish Government for problems in the NHS, even though it was its friends in the Labour Party that left hospitals with massive debts with its stupid PPI schemes.

So the intended Daily Record reader should be thick, hate Celtic and hate the SNP. What else? How about a bit of racism? There was a story earlier in the week about a fight in a French park, involving a girl wearing a bikini. The local police were at pains to point out that it had been a gang thing, with no other motive for the fight or the fact that the girl had been told to 'put some clothes on'. So what was the DR headline? They followed right-wing tabloids like the Mail and Express by shouting, "Woman sunbathing in bikini beaten up by girl gang over 'immoral' outfit - sparks social media trend". So the Record is now reduced to Muslim baiting; about as low as you can get. But, the Record being the Record, it managed to sink even lower!

The headline certainly seems to condemn the incident: "Race probe: Police investigate after youngsters black up as Golliwogs for Caithness gala day". At the Wick gala day some folk thought it would be a jolly jape to 'black up' and go round dressed as golliwogs and the Jackson 5. Despite the 'Shock! Horror!' tone of the headline, the article itself goes in a completely different direction. Prominence in the article is given to a Mrs Plowman, who is on the gala committee. She said, "Wick Gala is a charity fundraising event and if we start dictating to people what they can and can’t go out as it could lead to the end of the gala completely." She expanded on and repeated this claim throughout the article:  

"If we said to people they can’t go out as famous characters such as the Jackson Five, it will be difficult to know where you stop dictating.
If we start dictating what people can come and dress as, it could make things even worse.
I don’t know if it will get to the point if people would have to produce a picture of what they are coming as before they take part.
How we would be able to tell people what they can and can’t go as? I am not sure how it would work."

Now that, quite frankly, is a load of pish. Just about every university in the UK has a 'rag week' and the population at quite a few of these universities is a lot larger than that of Wick. And yet every university makes sure that events are properly stewarded and anyone not adhering to the code of not being offensive will have their collections tins and official ID removed. They will also be banned from taking part in future. So, really, this woman is just using the time-worn excuse of bigots everywhere: it's a free country. Notice how many times she uses the word 'dictate'. That's the usual Daily Mail attitude; telling people not to offend others or making laws to that effect is 'dictating' to folk about what they can and cannot do. It's essentially a middle finger to anyone with a modicum of decency. And the Daily Record is providing a platform for these views. So never mind targeting the Sun's readership; the DR seems to want to capture that of the Daily Mail and the Express as well!

So let's recap. The kind of reader the Daily Record is looking for is thick, hates Celtic, is a Sevco supporter that fawns over Honest Dave, hates the SNP and the Scottish Government and is a bigoted racist. That must be a very hidden demographic. After all, you wouldn't get somebody like that marching about the streets bragging about it, would you?

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AW NAW! THEY'RE COMIN' DOON THE ROAD - AGAIN!

My God, they never learn, do they? Kenny 'Two Coats' Miller is fulsome in his praise of himself and his teammates. They were magnificent, apparently, and they're going to keep improving so every other team in Scotland, if not in Europe, should be afraid. This is the man, remember, that told us that there wasn't much to choose between Sevco and Celtic just before his team got beaten by Raith Rovers! He really should keep that big gob shut! The rest of The Peeppul are just as bad; going on about big smiles on their faces and how they're going to beat Celtic if they're drawn in one of the cup competitions. The best ones, though, are the ridiculous claims on the Daily Record 'Hotline'.

"We’ll win the league this season, next season we’ll challenge Celtic and win the Premiership and the following year we’ll be back in the Champions League. Mark my words."

"I’m excited about the season ahead as I think we’ll do great things."

"Rangers were superb against Hibs. Their passing game was great to watch".

And the best one of all:

"That was a world-class performance from Rangers against Hibs."

World class? They beat a team that was not at its best because of the mind games played by Sevco and this claes-pole thinks that's 'world class'? Bring on the Rovers and let's see what they're made of!

The agnivores, of course, are joining in, banging on about the 'Warburton Revolution' even more now. So what's so 'revolutionary' about Warburton's approach? Well, he's doing innovative things like demanding fitness from his players and laying down the law about diet. I suppose that is quite revolutionary for Sevco, where Sooperally's idea of training was, "Wance roon' the track, boays, an' then wull go furra pizza!" In fact, after all his hard work when he was at Kilmarnock, I'd swear Kris Boyd actually put on weight last year! It's no more, though, than other managers have been doing for ages, including Ronny Deila. Strangely, though, when Deila was demanding this level of professionalism from his players he was derided for being a petty control freak. But I'm probably just saying this out of fear and envy!

Not all The Peeppul are joining in the celebrations and plans for world domination. McMurdo's 'Rangers (sic) Supporters Loyal' have got nothing good to say at all. It's all doom and gloom as far as they're concerned; but, then, they're probably being a bit more realistic than their peers. Honest Dave is skint, Ashley won't hand over another penny without putting more onerous contracts in place and it's hardly worth getting overexcited about goals being scored if there's no longer a club to score goals for!

Meanwhile, I can't understand all the fuss being made about this Lord Sewel character; or rather, I can. It's just more deflection from the real scandal. So he snorted cocaine and cavorted with prostitutes; big deal! Now that's what I want to be like at that age, instead of sucking a Victory V while tapping my tartan baffies to a Jimmy Shand record. They were all consenting adults; so who has he hurt? Unless, of course, the prostitutes were Eastern Europeans forced into it; in that case he'd deserve to be shot. And while his flat has the door kicked in and then is ransacked by the police, Lord Janner still turns up for his daily pay-cheque.

Interestingly, Lord Sewell's flat is in Dolphin Square. Sound familiar? It should; that's where all the Westminster child-abuse parties took place. No battering rams or mob-handed police teams turning up to investigate those, though, eh? The most disgusting thing about this Sewel business is not what the man himself got up to but the sheer hypocrisy shown by Westminster and the media. It seems that taking drugs and paying for sex are far worse sins that raping young children. This country turns my stomach at times!

With no irony intended, I am actually surprised about all the fuss being made about this man Jeremy Corbyn. I'm not talking about the attacks on him; I mean the way a lot of folk in Scotland are falling over themselves to support him. Why bother? The man will be completely unelectable in the South of England, just like Michael Foot, and will cause the same split in the Labour Party as happened in the 1980s. To be honest, it's no longer any of our business and we should just leave the English Labour Party to get on with it. Let's focus on Scotland instead.

Now that the Tories have a majority in Westminster they can push through all the stuff they failed to pass when they were in a coalition. One major item is the bill to make changes to the electorate. They want to reduce the number of MPs from 650 to 600. Even that was a compromise figure, since they originally wanted to cut the number even further. They're also going to redraw constituency boundaries. In some cases this can be seen to be justified, such as in the massive Isle of Wight constituency, which has an electorate of nearly 111,000. The plan to split this in two, however, is in stark contrast to boundaries being redrawn in other areas, such as in Devon and Cornwall, taking no account of local boundaries. It surely can't be a coincidence that the Isle of Wight is largely dependent on the braying hordes that attend Cowes Week and other upper-class entertainments and, more often than not, returns a Tory MP.  

It's easy to guess where the cuts in MPs will happen, with Scotland and Wales marked out for special treatment as they are 'over-represented'. In effect, this will favour the Tories and shows no respect for the fact that the UK is meant to be a union of nations. The Tories' bill will treat Scotland as being no more than a region of England. No wonder Alex Salmond is saying that another referendum on independence is inevitable.

The truth is that Scotland and much of England are growing further and further apart politically. Jeremy Corbyn may be the poster boy of campaigners for social fairness, like Russell Brand and Charlotte Church, but among the ordinary, English electorate he is seen as a throwback to values that many in England no longer espouse. Scotland is entirely different. Yes, we've got our share of forelock-tuggers and the selfish but the attitudes of 'Me, me, me' and 'Thanks, guv'nor, yer a real gent!' are not as endemic in Scotland as they are in the South of England, where, unfortunately, the majority of the UK electorate resides.

The most ironic thing that strikes me about politics in Scotland is how egalitarian principles came about. It's mostly down to the Reformation. Even though a lot of the egalitarian claims were a myth, the fact remains that many of Scotland's early trades union and Labour Party leaders came from a Church background. So why is it that members of the Orange Order are violently opposed to any kind of socialist agenda, tug their forelocks to their 'betters' as much as Southern English folk and are as right-wing as any London taxi driver? Strange.

Finally, I see my book has been knocked off the Number 1 spot by Chugg's nedography. I suppose you can't stay at the top forever. Still, it was nice while it lasted and there's always the chance that I'll get there again. You can do your bit, as well as enjoying a good read, by purchasing 'Never Mind the Zombies' in paperback or Kindle! And, please, remember to write a review on Amazon.

Find out more and buy the book here.

STICKY FINGERS

While our sports 'journalists' are still wiping the stickiness off their keyboards and the cleaners are trying to get the stains out of the carpets, we'll be hearing all the 'coming down the road' shite yet again. Rather shamefully, none of them seem prepared to acknowledge their own part in Hibs' defeat; no doubt they're all having a good snigger about it down the pub.

Throughout the match Hibs didn't look like a settled team. Scott Allan was left on the bench, after Sevco's desultory and derisory offers for him. Alan Stubbs has repeatedly stated that Allan is not for sale, especially not to one of their main rivals for promotion. So what was the point in making the 'offers' at all? Knowing full well that the ridiculous amounts they were offering would be thrown out immediately, there was only one reason for making these offers: to unsettle Allan and the rest of the team. The agnivores joined in, of course, all trying to tell Allan how he would be better off at Sevco. Then we had stories of Allan demanding to be released in order to play for his 'childhood heroes'. All of this was calculated to throw a spanner into Stubbs's preparations for Saturday and it worked a treat. Even when Hibs were a goal up and seemingly dominant, their minds just didn't appear to be on the job at hand. The passing was sloppy and the marking was poor, eventually making Sevco look a lot better than they are.

Of course, we'll hear how these guys are professionals and how they should be able to 'cope with the pressure' but that's a load of keich; they're only human, after all. I can remember a few occasions when my day was thrown by somebody having a go, like the time a parent started shouting and threatening to report me and the head teacher actually backed her up. I was blazing and it affected my attention the whole morning, until I was able to have it out with the head teacher, who soon backed down and apologised when I said I would phone the education department myself. Later, doing marking, I couldn't believe some of the things I'd missed in the class and had to re-teach the Maths lesson the next day. That was just me. Can you imagine how many times worse it must be when there's a whole squad of men involved, discussing and arguing about what's going on? And, to top it off, they're seeing all manner of shite in the papers. No wonder they couldn't play properly. A bloody disgusting state of affairs.

Meanwhile, the Daily Record is telling us that three men have been charged with 'singing sectarian songs' at Easter Road. There are no other details but I think we can all guess which team these three men support. And if you think I'm going to say 'Sevco', you're wrong. The whole Sevco support, practically, was apparently belting out the songbook, so they're hardly going to pick on three of them, are they? I didn't hear the singing myself as I didn't watch the whole match; once you see the Cuprinol Man celebrating a goal you know it's time to switch off! As usual, The Peeppul get away with singing whatever they want.

On the same subject, I see that Broadfoot is seeking legal advice so that he can sell, sorry, I mean tell, his side of the story. What's to tell? How could he possibly wriggle out of this one? Well, if it comes to the Scottish media, quite easily, actually. He can lie through his teeth and our agnivores will print it as the truth, whether they believe it or not. As time goes by the story will be twisted to make it seem that McClean was the aggressor and poor Broadfood the victim. Our media has previous for this sort of thing.

On the 6th March 1997 Celtic hosted Rangers in the quarter-final of the Scottish Cup. Celtic came out the 2-0 winners and were booted up and down the park for their troubles. In one particular incident Ian Ferguson almost went through Paolo Di Canio. It should have been a red card but all Ferguson got was a caution. Di Canio had to be substituted not long after. Fast forward ten days and the two teams met again in the final league encounter of the season. Di Canio's leg was bandaged and he made sure that he let Ferguson know he was responsible by pointing at his knee and then at Ferguson. Of course, Ferguson being Ferguson, he targeted Di Canio in violent attacks all through the match, sending Di Canio mad. The Italian threatened to break Ferguson in two when the match was over. If you watch a video of what actually happened at the end it was Ferguson and another Rangers player that squared up to Di Canio, while the Italian was dragged away by his teammates.

Subsequently, Ferguson, in his autobiography, leaves out the Scottish Cup match and accuses Di Canio of threatening to break his leg by pointing at his bandaged knee and then at Ferguson. Our agnivores, of course, lapped this up. Google Ferguson and Di Canio's names together and all you'll find are stories about the 'volatile Italian' and how he threatened and squared up to Ferguson, who by now has become the blameless victim. Our media are not above lying to serve their agenda and I'm willing to bet that, sooner or later, the same mendaciousness will be applied to McClean and Broadfoot will be portrayed as the victim of a miscarriage of justice.

A wee look on Sevco Media confirms that some of The Peeppul are getting carried away with themselves. Look at this one: "For the first time in years we may be able to make a serious challenge for the Scottish or the League cup." Aye, and I'll be shagging Christina Aguilera before the year's out. Amongst all the nonsense, though, there's one post that gives some hope for the future. I never thought I'd see the day:

Finally, it's still there at Number 1. Hopefully it's going to be like that Bryan Adams Robin Hood song and stay there for weeks on end!

Get more details and buy the book here.

 

P.S. Remember to write a review on Amazon. Ta!

THE NON-TERRORISING TERRORISTS

The prevailing winds in Britain blow from West to East, which is why, traditionally, rich folk tend to live in the West End of big cities, away from the smells. Edinburgh, of course, has its New Town but many of its wealthiest residents live in the North-West in the areas of Barnton and Cramond. If you're not familiar with Edinburgh but live in Glasgow, these areas are exactly the same as Bearsden and Milngavie. Unlike the denizens of Bearsden and Milngavie, however, the residents of Barnton and Cramond pay their share of council tax; they don't pay a pittance to a separate council while using all the city's resources for free!

Anyway, no matter how rich the residents, there are always disagreements between neighbours over trees, hedges being too high or house extensions. Selfish homeowners are always the enemy in the media, lacking community spirit and only thinking of themselves. The worst kind is the one that puts Leylandii all round his property, affecting everyone in the area. You never see the media sticking up for such a person; unless, of course, we're talking about JK Rowling. Her property borders a busy, well-used road and local residents are up in arms that a lane has been closed off outside her house so that her 30ft Leylandii can be trimmed. This caused tailbacks and traffic jams for days, but the Daily Record seems to think that it's all one big joke. They go on about neighbours learning spells like 'expeliarmus'. I wonder if they'd feel the same if it was a supporter of Scottish independence involved! Only those, and such as those, indeed.

In the same vein, but a lot more serious, is the news that those guys that plotted to murder 'Mad Dog' Adair and Sam McCrory have been found guilty of "conspiring to murder Adair and McCrory by attempting to acquire firearms, carrying out reconnaissance at McCrory's home and and planning where and by what means he was to be murdered." Two of them, "Duffy, from Donegal, and Hughes, were also convicted of terrorism by attempting to acquire vehicles and an AK 47 assault rifle and making plans for the storage and retrieval of firearms." I think the operative word in Duffy being found guilty is that little phrase 'from Donegal'.

All the indications have been there that Duffy, the ringleader, is a delusional fantasist. He apparently suffers from mental health problems, exacerbated by an addiction to Tramadol. He's been painted in court, and in the press, however, as a 'dissident Republican'. Implications have abounded that he has links to the Real IRA or the Provisionals, depending on which article you're reading. Why is it, then, that the guy hadn't the first idea of how to go about getting a weapon? He walked into the Brazen Head and asked Anthony Stokes if he could get him a gun, for God's sake! He's also, apparently, a terrorist because he 'attempted to acquire' a Kalashnikov rifle. Now, I think most of us men tried our best to shag as many females as we could when we were younger and, in the majority of attempts failed miserably. Do those desperate attempts make us bona fide Lotharios? They do if you follow the logic being applied to Antoin Duffy.

So these characters, who did nothing but talk and plan without having a clue what they were doing are murderous terrorists, even though nobody got hurt except in their heads. No weapons were involved and they hardly inspired a wave of terror among the general public.

Turn the clock back four years to two characters that made bombs and sent them through the post. They weren't just sitting in a car talking about murder; they actively set about trying to kill their intended targets. Home-made bombs were sent to three innocent individuals just trying to go about their daily lives. Neil Lennon and his family had to be placed under police protection, while mail sorting offices had to be in a high state of alert. Isn't that what a terrorist is: somebody that inspires terror? And yet the court and the media painted these terrorists as deluded losers, who couldn't make a viable bomb to save themselves. But the fact remains that they intended to kill, caused panic and made devices that they thought were viable and were intended to be. They set out to kill and tried their best to do it. Yet they were treated as harmless buffoons and one of them is already out of prison.

So, essentially, sending bombs through the post, trying to kill people, doesn't make you a terrorist, but making formless and unrealistic plots does. Of course, it helps as well if you have an Irish name and come 'from Donegal'!

Meanwhile the cries of 'paranoia' as supporters of Scottish independence, including myself, accused the security services of being involved are now sounding a bit hollow. The Daily Record pleads that it was prevented from disclosing that MSPs are being spied on until now, but it is debatable whether the paper, or any other media outlet for that matter, would have run with this story last September or during the General Election. The question was asked during the Referendum and it needs to be asked again: why is the English Establishment so desperate to hold onto Scotland? There's a story there if any decent journalist was prepared to dig.

More important, as far as our agnivores are concerned, is running with the story that Scott Allan has put in a transfer request to try to force a move to his 'boyhood heroes', Sevco. Whether the story is true or not it's a blatant attempt to try to disrupt the Hibs changing room before they play Sevco tomorrow in the Petrofac Cup. Hibs could get a lot more for Allan in the January transfer window, so it's unlikely they'll bow down to any pressure, even from the player himself. Hopefully this disgusting attempt to unsettle the team will fail and Hibs will destroy Sevco.

Speaking of disgusting, stand by for James McClean coming in for a lot more abuse after Kirk Broadfoot received a ten-match ban for verbally abusing him. I think we can all guess the kind of bile that Broadfoot threw at him and we can expect more of the same from The Peepul online. In the meantime, compare the headline in the English Daily Mirror: "Rotherham defender Kirk Broadfoot handed 10-game ban for sectarian tirade against James McClean" to that of the Daily Record: "Former Rangers star Kirk Broadfoot handed 10-game ban for verbally abusing Wigan's James McClean". Big difference, eh?  The Record also omitted this little piece:

"Broadfoot was born into a Protestant family in Ayrshire and is known to be a staunch supporters (sic) of certain cultural traditions relating to his religion."

Er...those 'cultural traditions' have got nothing whatsoever to do with being a Protestant. Maybe that's why the Daily Record left that bit out. Do you think?

Finally, make sure you get your copy of the Number 1 Bestselling book:

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NUMBER ONE BESTSELLING AUTHOR!

It's official - I'm now a bestselling author! And not just that; I'm a Number 1 bestselling author! 'Never Mind The Zombies' has shot straight to that coveted top spot. Wilbur Smith, JK Rowling, Stephen King...eat your hearts out! Many authors claim to eschew such business; accolades and the like mean nothing to them - it's all about their art. I say, fuck that - I'm at Number 1! Just have a look here.

The best of it is that it's the Number 1 book about 'Rangers' (sic). Amazon likes to categorise everything, so my book is in Sports, Hobbies & Games: Football: British: Football Clubs: Rangers. I certainly didn't put it in that category but the word 'Rangers' is on the cover and it doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not about the Texas Rangers or suchlike so into the Sevco section it goes. (Of course, Amazon wouldn't be selling too many books to The Peeppul if they called the club by its real name, would they?) At one point the Kindle version was Number 1, while the paperback was Number 2, knocking Sandy Chugg's nedography off that spot. Now I know how the Beatles felt in the early Sixties!
 
Just imagine the scenario. It's Wee Billy's twelfth birthday, so what's his faither, Billy Senior, going to get him? Replica shirts and such things are out - he can't go giving money to Ashley, can he? His wife suggests a book. Nobody in the house can read but they might be able to find one with a lot of pictures. They're not going near any bookshop; they might get laughed at, so it's off to the library to search online. The librarian, as usual, is extremely helpful and she starts up the computer and goes onto Amazon. There's no point in looking through umpteen books so the librarian suggests looking at the best-selling books about Rangers (sic). And there it is - Never Mind The Zombies!
 
'Ah don't like the looky that!' says Billy. 'Zombies? An' what the fuck's an aggievore? An' how come the writin's aw funny like that?'
 
'I think it's a spoof on that album by the Sex Pistols,' replies the librarian.
 
'The who?'
 
'No, not The Who, the Sex Pistols. You know, Johnny Rotten and all that!'
 
'Johnny Fuckin' Rotten? Ah hate that bastard! Did ye know ays da's Irish and the hale faimly ur aw Kafflicks 'n 'at! Anywye, what's aw that writin' there?'

'That's telling you what the book's all about. Do you want me to read it out?' asks the librarian.

'Bastard!' shouts Billy five minutes later, as he tries to get his foot back out of the interior of the monitor.

Five minutes after that Billy is limping out the door, the monitor still stuck to his foot, with a life ban from the library ringing in his ears.

Help keep this scenario a reality and really piss off The Peeppul. It doesn't matter if you buy the paperback or the Kindle version - let's keep 'Never Mind The Zombies' at Number 1. Just click on the image below to go to the Amazon page.

 
 

And don't just take my word for it that the book's any good. Look at what these celebrities have to say.

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"What? Who? What?"

 "Don't believe a word. This guy Anderson's just out to make some bread!"

 "Ah'm no' scary-lookin' at aw. Ma Mammy said Ah'm the handsomest man in the world!"

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"Meessa's so fuckin' embarrassed!"

WHERE DID I PUT MY TIN-FOIL HAT?

So Nadir Ciftci has received a six-game ban with another two-game ban suspended. All thoroughly merited, of course; assuming, that is that he was guilty. Nobody saw this alleged bite happening, but he was presumed guilty well before the hearing, due to a pretty equivocal photo. There were claims that Ciftci was subjected to racist abuse from McAlister, as well as brutal physical assault. These claims did not just come from Ciftci himself; others witnessed the whole thing. So what's going to happen to McAlister? After all, Alexsander Tonev was found guilty solely on the word of one man. Things, however, don't work like that down Hampden way. The whole idea of fairness and justice never bothered the occupants of Park Gardens and the move to Mount Florida hasn't made much of a difference. It seems all you need to do to be found guilty is pull on a Celtic jersey!

Speaking of conspiracies, I watched that 60 Minutes documentary and it was quite shocking. Probably the most shocking thing, though, is that our media is practically ignoring the whole thing. They might well, however, not be part of the cover-up; it could be that they don't want their fingers burnt like last time. That was in the late 80s and early 90s. The big story then was that there was a Satanic paedophile ring operating at the highest levels of the Establishment. Social workers and police were investigating the abduction, abuse and murder of possibly thousands of children, mostly those in care, by high-ranking people in government, the judiciary and the entertainment industry. Suddenly, though, the stories, and the investigations, came to an abrupt halt.

I couldn't have been the only one that was highly suspicious when the Orkney scandal occurred. It was all a bit too convenient. Social workers, police, medical experts and many others were vilified and the whole idea that ritualistic sexual abuse of children was taking place was, and is, ridiculed. Meanwhile the real abuse was going on unabated. I used the idea that the Orkney scandal was part of a cover-up in one of my books, albeit transplanted to another place, and still believe that it was the whole point of the business at South Ronaldsay.

Stand by for another cover-up story. This time I would imagine that somebody will be accused and then proven to be innocent, casting doubt on all the allegations of child sex abuse. We've already had one such occurrence with the man that claimed he was abused by Kenneth Clarke being tried for perverting the course of justice. Clarke, however, is not the big name he used to be; so somebody else will need to be found.

The best candidate would be a well-loved celebrity; somebody that's been around for years and has spent his life being totally inoffensive. Such a character will have spent decades keeping his private life private, while rumours abounded that he was gay. He will be a darling of the blue-rinse brigade, and the worst that has ever been said about him is that he is insipid; indifference is probably the strongest feeling ever expressed against him. Police are already investigating such an individual and I, for one, am ready for the furore when it is proven that he is guilty of nothing more than hiding the fact that he's gay. Have you figured out who I mean? Congratulations!

Just as in the early 90s the proof of this man's innocence will be used as a stick to beat down all the other accusers. I bet there'll even be doubts cast on the accusations against Jimmy Savile! It'll all be swept under the carpet yet again and we'll probably have to wait another twenty years or so before the story reappears. In the meantime, more of those accused will be safely in their graves, having got away with everything. And while we're all concentrating on this historic abuse, and it's being ridiculed, the same scenarios will still be being played out. You don't honestly think that this abuse, ritualistic or not, has stopped, do you? I certainly don't! Not that we'll ever find out for sure.

And while we're being lined up to be duped again, as we were in 1991, there's another side to the conspiracy. Have you ever had a look at some of the literature and websites dedicated to the idea of a Westminster paedophile ring? Ultimately, a search will lead you to folk like David Icke, who, apparently, was the first one to 'out' Jimmy Savile. It's my theory that these folk are being drip-fed these stories from on high so that the stories will be discredited. Icke, and folk like him, highlight the stories of the Westminster paedophiles but they appear in among over-arching tales of Illuminati, Jews/Jesuits/the New World Order running the world and, God help us, that we're under the control of shape-shifting alien lizards! If anyone wants to cover up child sex abuse then how better than to allow these bams to be in the van of exposing it? Like I said, we'll probably never find out the truth.

I see James McClean has ended up in trouble again; this time it's for not facing an English flag during the national anthem (which, by the way, is supposed to be a UK anthem, is it not?). Apparently West Brom "respect his right of expression" but he's not to do it again. He's to "modify his stance". How the hell he's supposed to do that we aren't told. Why the hell were they playing national anthems at a friendly club match anyway? If he does end up in trouble and gets sacked by Albion he'll always be welcome at another club that's snapping up folk with connections to Wigan. Then again, maybe not.

Sevco has 'swooped' for Wigan players James Tavernier and Martyn Waghorn, who will be 'jetting in' soon. It seems that a fee of £400,000 was agreed for the pair. I doubt Sevco was able to pay this up front so they're obviously either trusting souls down Lancashire way or Wigan was just desperate to get shot of the two players; probably it's a bit of both. Both lads are just the same as the others of Warburton's signings; they've spent most of their careers out on loan, which doesn't exactly augur well, does it? Anyway, 'Tav' and 'Waggy' are both 'gems', at least according to their erstwhile teammate, Don Cowie. Now what possible reason could Cowie have for trying to spin a positive story about Sevco? None, I suppose. Coincidentally, Cowie will be 33 next year and his contract at Wigan will be due to end.

There is an Afrikaans word, which goes way back in history, that is used to describe somebody that has interests in both South Africa and Britain. The word is soutpiel, often shortened to soutie, which translates as salt-prick. The idea is that such a person has one foot in South Africa, the other in Britain, while his cock dangles down into the Atlantic Ocean. Either the Boers have some strange ideas about the length of the average British man's private parts or the soutie is meant to be overstretched and practically doing the splits. There is one prominent soutie around at present and the way our media pander to him, perhaps we should call our esteemed sports journalists sout-tonge!

 

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GOTT SHÜTZE DIE KÖNIGIN!

My wife is a big fan of Casualty and Holby City. She likes nothing better than maudlin stories about folk dying and, of course, the soap elements help to make it interesting as well. I can't stand either programme so when she's watching them in the living room she wears the headphones so I don't have to suffer it. Meanwhile, I can get on with writing books and other worthwhile pursuits. I can't help looking up now and again while I'm thinking and it's amazing how many folk I recognise. I drive my wife mental with my shouting out, "Hey, that's him/her from Brookside/Eastenders/The Bill etc. etc." Both programmes seem to operate as a retirement home for ex-Soap actors.
 
In much the same way, Kilmarnock FC has always been there to provide a few extra paydays for ex-Huns. That's why you need to take the latest utterances from their chairman, Jim Mann, with a large dose of salt. He says that Scottish football is boring everyone because the same teams are playing each other over and over again. Er...isn't that what happens in every league in the world? Of, course, he's banging on about the top league needing to be made bigger; that seems to be the panacea everybody's coming up with these days. We could always try it, I suppose. How about a top league of 18 teams and throw everyone else into a Second Division? That would  work, wouldn't it? Well it didn't seem to work forty years ago, when everyone was concerned about falling ticket sales and they set up the Premier League to remedy the situation. It was thought that all the games against the 'wee diddy teams' in Division One was boring everybody; so what's changed now? Oh, aye...
 
And there's the real reason for all this talk of a bigger top tier; they're all missing 'Rangers'. Jim Mann admits as much, saying, "It will be better once Rangers are back in the league. They have cast a negative halo over west of Scotland football and every club have seen attendances dip." That's right, because attendances were at an all-time high before Rangers went tits-up. It's getting pathetic now, this desperation to rush Sevco into the top tier. They're not even bothering to hide it anymore.
 
Speaking of hiding things, the big story just now is the pictures of Auld Lizzie Saxe-Coburg Gotha and her mother doing Nazi salutes back in the day. I notice that nobody from the Palace is denying what they're doing; they're just concerned that the images have made their way into the public domain. Of course, all we're hearing is that it was a different time, nobody new what the Nazis were like in 1933 etc. What a load of pish! Hitler had laid it all out in Mein Kampf and already Jews were being treated, not as second-class citizens, but as if they weren't even human. Maybe Lizzie had an excuse, being only seven, but her mother is a different story altogether. Besides, nobody said that Pope Benedict was 'just a boy' when he was in the Hitler Youth, even though membership was as obligatory as being in the Lodge is in Larkhall.
 
One idiotic 'historian' claims that everybody used to goosestep and make Nazi salutes if they were the Germans in a game of soldiers. That is utter shite. No matter which side you were on in a game of soldiers you just ran about with a plastic gun or a stick, shouting, "Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-a-ow!" Such games usually didn't last long as everybody refused point-blank to die. Even firing a hundred rounds a minute into somebody at close range would elicit the response, "Ye missed may!" After about ten or fifteen minutes of this you would all pack it in and go and play at Kick-The-Can, football or rounders. Either that or somebody would join the game with a Johnny 7 and fire spring-loaded, plastic rockets at everybody's napper. The game would then end in tears and snotters and a fight involving a crowd of irate mothers. No Nazi salutes were ever involved.

Other arse lickers point out that this is all part of Rupert Murdoch's republican agenda. To prove some kind of point, they show that Murdoch earns more per year than the Queen does. Now, there's no denying that Murdoch's a cunt, but the operative word there is earns. If anyone wants to compare the cash the royals get with Murdoch's wad then there's something the royals need to do first: get a fucking job!

We should really be told more about the Nazi sympathies of the Royal Family; after all, they are Germans. Instead there'll be questions in the House and a big investigation into how this short film fell into the hands of The Sun. That sounds vaguely familiar. It's a bit like how the big interest in the Rangers Tax Case blog wasn't the content but how the writer had come by his information. How dare anyone question the Huns or their Queen!

Sieg Heil!

Who do you sponge off, ya auld deadbeat?

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NEVER MIND THE ZOMBIES AVAILABLE AT LAST!

At last, the wait is over! I've fixed the problems with the book's formatting and it's now available to buy on Amazon.

'Clash of the Agnivores' left our intrepid heroes in the summer of 2014, with Honest Dave King running his season-book 'Trust Fund' to deprive the club's board of funding. The bedsheet-wavers were still out in force and the struggle to get Real Rangers Men into the Blue Room continued unabated. It was going to be an exciting season in the Championship and Neo-Gers were odds-on to win and progress to the Premiership. 'The Journey' was moving along, albeit stuttering and spluttering along the way. All it needed now was for Sooperally to make a few improvements to the team. To the delight of much of The People and the agnivores in the media, the Real Rangers Men eventually won out. All was right with the world and the rest of European football was going to be left behind in the wake of Neo-Gers as they were 'coming down the road. Meanwhile, there was a new PR company in town. Our old pal Jabba was back, now dispensing succulent lamb instead of eating it. The Scottish media fell into line, printing nothing but good news concerning the Ibrox team. It was just like the old days, with nobody in the press questioning a single thing they were told. So, it was the 1990s revisited, with no bad news at all, Real Rangers Men in charge and the promise of front-loaded warchests. It was as if the last three years had never happened. (Wake up, Pamela - somebody's in the shower!) This being Neo-Gers, however, everything wasn't quite what it seemed.

Available in paperback here - £6.89

Kindle edition available here - £1.99

 

The four folk that already bought the Kindle edition can send their e-mail address to me at andrsptr@aol.com and I'll send you a copy of the fixed one free of charge. Sorry again for messing you about!

"I can thoroughly recommend it!"

A QUINTESSENTIALLY BRITISH PERVERSION

Working to fix the formatting of my new book involves uploading it to see what it looks like, fixing a bit, then uploading again and so on and so on...During the times that it's uploading, I thought I'd take the opportunity to write on here about something that riles me to hell; and riles a lot of other people as well.
 
In the latter half of the Nineteenth Century foreign visitors to London were constantly shocked at the number of child prostitutes parading in fashionable areas like the Strand. The demand for children was so great that teenagers were often dressed with ribbons in their hair and made to look younger than they were. The demand for children, especially young girls, was not just driven by perversion but by the shocking belief that having sex with a virgin was a cure for all types of venereal diseases. The younger the girl was, the more chance there was of her being a virgin.
 
Of course, with the rise of the middle classes, attitudes began to change and there were calls to raise the age of consent as well as to provide protection for children. Newspapers and magazines were full of shocking, salacious stories, though it's worth pointing out that many of these focused on an imagined white slave trade to serve the lusts of Johnny Foreigner. WT Stead, for example, the pioneering investigative journalist, who was later to perish on the Titanic, managed to buy a 13-year-old girl, whom he took to France. Nobody in France was interested in the young girl, especially not in the maisons closes, but, to the British public, his point had been proven. A Government Act soon followed.
 
The Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885 raised the age of consent to 16 and had provisions for protecting young girls from the predations of perverts. It was an unusual Bill, having been passed first in the Lords and then sent to the Commons, instead of the other way round. It was passed in the Commons, but only with an addition by an MP called Labouchere. His pet hate was homosexuality and the Act was passed with the notorious Section 11, which made homosexuality illegal and those indulging in 'gross indecency', in public or private, would find themselves facing a couple of years in prison with hard labour. Not for nothing was it christened 'The Blackmailer's Charter'. The inclusion and passing of the Bill with Section 11 can be seen as part of the middle-class obsession with homosexuality at the time. I, however, have long suspected that it was a more sinister manoeuvre, to deflect attention away from the sexual abuse of children.
 
If I'm right in my suspicions then Section 11 was highly successful. Have a good dig about into historical scandals and you will be hard-pushed to find any that involve the abuse of children. In fact, it was seen as somehow normal to be interested sexually in pubescent girls especially. Charlie Chaplin was so inclined, and was known to be so, while nothing was seen wrong in 'fancying' young thirteen- and fourteen-year-old girls. Meanwhile, homosexuals like Oscar Wilde, John Gielgud and Alan Turing were pilloried and victimised.
 
It's still the case that homosexuality is seen as worse than paedophilia. Contrast the treatment of Jonathan King with the blind eye turned to Bill Wyman's affair with a 14-year-old girl or the outpouring of sympathy and support for film director Roman Polanski, who had sex with a 12-year-old girl. The head teacher at the primary school I used to work at, who was sacked and arrested for having child porn on his computer, was shown leniency by the judge at his trial because all of the images were of girls!
 
Throughout the 20th Century, a blind eye was turned to instances of child abuse. Thousands of children were abused during the Second World War, both those that lived rough among the rubble of the Blitz and the ones evacuated to the countryside. That side of the Home Front, however, tends to get whitewashed out among the misty-eyed reminiscences of the Dunkirk spirit. Thousands of other children in care were sent abroad to be used and abused, right up until the 1970s, by British ex-pats, not by foreigners. Again, however, our media would rather focus on enforced adoptions in Franco's Spain than the scandal under their own noses.
 
Since the authorities weren't interested, child abuse was something that was dealt with by the local community, usually in the form of a severe beating. My da's 88 and he remembers times, when he was younger, a gang of men getting together to mete out justice to somebody that had interfered with a child. Usually the character was driven from the neighbourhood after his kicking. That was how it was dealt with. Even the police resorted to violence and driving the perpetrator away. Watch Sean Connery's film 'The Offence' to see how the police dealt with kiddie-fiddlers. David Bowie's song 'The Little Bombardier' also deals with the subject. The authorities were rarely, if ever, involved. Even a few years back when the locals found out about their head teacher, Mark Melvile, the immediate reaction of many was to get a hold of him and kick the shit out of him. He was long gone by then, though.
 
And so we come to the 1970s; a strange time when we look back on it. While we'd all been scared to death by the Moors Murderers and Tufty was on TV telling us not to talk to strangers, there were actually lobby groups, receiving government money, pressuring for sexual relations between adults and children to be made legal! This was part of the general backlash against Freudian ideas that started in the late 60s and looked to free everyone from their inhibitions. It spawned Free Love, Page 3 girls, Emmanuelle, Deep Throat and tits being seen on the telly. Unfortunately, things went a bit too far and folk started to question every Freudian taboo, no matter what the consequences. Things that many back then saw as 'liberating' would now be seen as what they were: exploitation. Look up the OZ trial; can you imagine if such a trial took place today? Would we have pop stars, TV and film stars, intellectuals etc. all coming out in favour of the magazine's editors? I doubt it. But they did in the 1970s!
 
As we know now, the 70s was a hey-day for all manner of perverts, while our authorities either ignored things or actively covered them up. With the new, 'liberal' agenda almost condoning these perversions, it's hardly surprising that a blind eye was turned. Not everyone, however, was happy with these new 'freedoms'. There were still 'old-fashioned' types that didn't want an anatomy lesson in their morning paper and that definitely didn't think that there was anything at all 'normal' about an adult having sexual relations with a child. Still, it was something that ordinary people didn't debate; if it happened then a good, old-fashioned beating would ensue.
 
Looking back at the 1970s, and even into the 80s, our authorities - the judiciary, social workers, the police and even the media -  did absolutely nothing about child abuse. Whether this was because nobody reported instances it's hard to say but I would imagine that after the horror inspired by Brady and Hindley the police would be contacted a lot more than they used to be when any such crimes took place. The fact is that, as it had been throughout the 20th Century, nobody in authority was interested. It was a case, as it always had been, of people taking the law into their own hands. The perpetrator would be kicked to within an inch of his life and then sent packing. That was how neighbourhoods dealt with it; it was also how organisations dealt with it, albeit often forgoing the beating.
 
It is well-known now that churches, youth organisations, businesses etc. all dealt with the problem by the simple expedient of getting rid of the perpetrator. Such organisations are now having to deal with the consequences of what happened all those years ago. The ubiquitous Summer Camps of France and the USA have all but disappeared as stories emerged of children being sexually abused thirty or forty years ago. Youth organisations throughout the world have had to apologise for not dealing with the problem adequately, while churches worldwide are being dragged through the courts by people that were let down by these institutions when they were children. The State is involved as well, with stories coming out of horrific abuse, and even murder, in children's homes and young offenders institutions. And it seems as if we've just scratched the surface and there is a lot more horror to come.
 
And so we come to the point of my diatribe. The Peeppul with all their 'Big Jock Knew' and the rest of it seem to expect everyone to believe that Celtic should be dealt with as a special case. The fact is that the club dealt with the situation in exactly the same way as everyone else did. That, of course, doesn't excuse things, but if Celtic is to be castigated then so is practically every organisation dealing with children back then. Whether or not Jock Stein dealt with Torbett by rag-dolling the bastard and kicking him out is irrelevant. As we already know, the authorities didn't deal with the issue of child abuse and even covered it up, so Torbett was dealt with in exactly the same way as every other paedophile at the time.  

Many of The Peeppul have been vocal in their support of Lynsey Sharp, calling for everything to be 'brought out into the open'. I quite agree. Let's get everything out in the open. For example, did Torbett, as is rumoured, work at Rangers? And what about all the other stuff...Westminster paedophile rings, the covering up of the crimes of Jimmy Savile, Cyril Smith and others, the inquiry into the Dunblane shootings being kept under lock and key etc. And what of the rumours that royalty have been involved in the sexual abuse of children? And why haven't we heard anything else about the inquiry in Northern Ireland? Our media was all over it when they were looking into Nazareth House; so why has it all gone quiet?
 
The truth is that The Peeppul are just showing their bigotry and desperation to deflect from their own club's cheating and fraud. It is a filthy slur against Celtic and Jock Stein in particular. And, just as the authorities didn't act on child abuse for well over a century, they refuse to do anything now about this bigotry, prejudice and slander.

DON'T BUY IT YET!

Please, don't buy a copy of 'Never Mind The Zombies' just yet. After spending ages formatting the bloody thing I've now noticed a couple of glitches in the paperback and Kindle editions. You could still read the book but I like it to look as good as possible when people are forking out their hard-earned to buy it. They should be ready soon. I'll keep you posted.

Sorry!

P.S. To the three folk that have already bought the Kindle version, I'll be happy to send you a free copy of the improved one when it's finished.

'NEVER MIND THE ZOMBIES' NOW AVAILABLE

At last - Part Two of the Ibrox saga is here!

Presenting

Now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

'Clash of the Agnivores' left our intrepid heroes in the summer of 2014, with Honest Dave King running his season-book 'Trust Fund' to deprive the club's board of funding. The bedsheet-wavers were still out in force and the struggle to get Real Rangers Men into the Blue Room continued unabated. It was going to be an exciting season in the Championship and Neo-Gers were odds-on to win and progress to the Premiership. 'The Journey' was moving along, albeit stuttering and spluttering along the way. All it needed now was for Sooperally to make a few improvements to the team. To the delight of much of The People and the agnivores in the media, the Real Rangers Men eventually won out. All was right with the world and the rest of European football was going to be left behind in the wake of Neo-Gers as they were 'coming down the road. Meanwhile, there was a new PR company in town. Our old pal Jabba was back, now dispensing succulent lamb instead of eating it. The Scottish media fell into line, printing nothing but good news concerning the Ibrox team. It was just like the old days, with nobody in the press questioning a single thing they were told. So, it was the 1990s revisited, with no bad news at all, Real Rangers Men in charge and the promise of front-loaded warchests. It was as if the last three years had never happened. (Wake up, Pamela - somebody's in the shower!) This being Neo-Gers, however, everything wasn't quite what it seemed.

Paperback available here - £6.89

 

Kindle version available here - £1.99

 

 

 

 

Get it while it's hot!

-ITY

At last my new book is uploaded and should be available on Amazon in the next day or two. I actually finished it a while ago but it's taken ages to format the thing so that it actually looks like a book. Usually this doesn't take as long but for some reason this book just refused to co-operate. I had to practically format it a page at a time and was beginning to think that God was a Hun and didn't want this book made public. Anyway, it's finished now and, like I said, will be available tomorrow or the day after.

It wasn't until I read Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and Twitter that I found out about 'Bonefire' Night in Northern Ireland. Apparently these clowns aren't satisfied with a big fire but build huge Towers of Babel, made from pallets and adorned with tyres to give their 'bonefires' an extra kick. These monstrous conflagrations are a danger to surrounding property but, instead of dismantling the bonfires, the police have actually moved local residents out of their own homes in case they catch fire! Obviously, just as in Scotland, nobody is allowed to upset The Peeppul.

I read a rather amazing article on Slugger O'Toole yesterday, written by Mairia Cahill, a woman who claims to have been sexually abused as a child by members of Sinn Fein and the IRA. This, of course, has made her something of a celebrity among the Loyalist community. She was invited along to the Lower Shankill's 'Family Fun Day', all in the spirit of 'hands across the divide' you understand. Ms Cahill took her young daughter along to the 'fun' and described a party atmosphere and a great day out for all the family. Young children were running about playing, the birds were singing and Ms Cahill's agenda seemed to be that it was time for those on the Republican side to put aside their 'prejudices' and go along to these events in order to build bridges.

She says, "The children I met today were not triumphant, but children who were having a great time playing away, and who saw the bonfire as a bit of excitement. Those children live in one of the most underprivileged areas in Belfast." Oh, well, that's okay then, eh? Ms Cahill, however, didn't hang around to see what happened once it got dark. No doubt those 'excited' children would be allowed to stay up specially to see the 'bonefire' being lit. They'll then cheer along with their mums, dads and older siblings as effigies of priests, the Pope, Bobby Sands and basically anybody the Loyalists don't like and see as an enemy are hurled onto the pyre along with flags, posters and other paraphernalia, with the youngsters encouraged to boo and spit at the villains before they're burned. That 'great time' is all about learning to hate and in a few years time those 'children who were having a great time' will be teenagers throwing petrol bombs at anybody that tries to take down their 'fleg'. Either Ms Cahill is the biggest ingénue on the planet or she's deliberately distorting the truth!

Staying with The Peeppul and it looks like their team is going to be even more shite than last year's, judging by all the complaints about the dire quality of the signings to date. It's going to be the usual mix of no-hopers, has-beens and never-weres. They'd better get ready for another couple of years at least in the Championship; assuming, of course, that they're still around. Considering the mess his club's in, McMurdo is remarkably sanguine. He hopes for the best but is realistic about the coming season, with Sevco having to grub about at the bottom of the barrel for rejects from the lower reaches of the English leagues. Maybe he's reached that part of the process of grief called acceptance!

The 'Rangers Supporters Loyal' site is closed for 'upgrading' or some such but, before they went AWOL, they made it plain that they don't support the current board and some of them aren't buying season tickets. No doubt they agonised over how to label themselves; the word 'rebels' would, of course, be discarded out of hand. They decided upon 'Nonconformists'. Unfortunately, they don't seem to be able to use associated terms properly; they talk constantly about 'Nonconformism'. This bastard term has apparently made its way into some dictionaries, like Warren Harding's ridiculous word 'Normalcy'. It looks like we need Monti's favourite phrase again.

It's impossible to study Nineteenth Century politics or society without looking at the influence of Nonconformists, so the word used to come up a lot in my final year at university. Our tutor, Dr Bebbington (he's a Professor now) used to get irritated whenever anybody said 'Nonconformism'; not that he showed it - he would just calmly say, '-ity.' Hopefully he doesn't read any of The Peepul's stuff or he'll be tearing his hair out.

I see the investigations into voting fraud in the Independence Referendum are being as thorough as everybody expected. It seems nobody's bothered about Ruth Davidson's revelations about postal votes, 'YES' votes 'resting on a table', fire alarms going off in the middle of the count or ballot boxes being delivered without seals. No. The biggest danger to democracy was some idiot voting YES in the morning and then voting NO in the afternoon on behalf of his stepson. Somebody should have told him that not voting at all would have had the same result. Still, it's good to see that our authorities are on the case and that our democracy's in safe hands!

And finally, Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
                    A: To get the fuck away from all those Orange cunts!

Family Fun Day