WET WAGGY

The agnivores have invented a new game; well, it's not really new, it's a variation on that perennial favourite at boarding schools, Wet the Biscuit. They get a laminated picture of the 'Goal Machine', stand round it in a circle and then...well, you can fill in the rest yourself. I mean, 'Goal Machine' for God's sake; half of them have been penalties! 'Waggy' says that he practises taking penalties every other day. I wonder if he gets the Ibrox postman to stand between the sticks, as it's hard-working blokes like that he normally faces when taking a spot-kick.

How many did the 'Goal Machine' score against St. Johnstone? It seems as if Waghorn is like many others that have passed through Ibrox; the professional equivalent of a dad beating the weans in a kick-about in the park. It's amazing how our media is trying to talk up this team of English Championship players manqués as world-beaters.

It's actually been a bit quiet the past few days and even Phil Mac Giolla Bhain has resorted to some science-fiction about parallel universes. All the papers have had to offer, apart from lauding 'Waggy' to the skies, is that Public Enemy Number 1, Imran Ahmad, has had the nerve to comment on some car-lovers website. The Daily Record, especially, can't seem to get its head round the fact that Interpol hasn't got involved and there have been no calls for extradition. What's the world coming to? The man was 'bad tae Raynjurz' so the whole planet should be up in arms. Meanwhile, despite the assurances at the end of McMurdo's last post that "this site will continue to operate" The Rangers (sic) Supporters Loyal seems to have disappeared up its own arse. Christ, that's Leggat gone, McMurdo gone and Jabba content to pull strings behind the scenes; what the hell am I supposed to write about? Talk about selfish!

Oh, there was one thing that cropped up: Leigh Griffiths receiving a two game suspended sentence and being fined £2,500 by the SFA. After getting a slap on the wrist in court for what was, after all, a minor (compared to the shit allowed all the time at Ibrox) offence, it also emerged that he had been fined four weeks wages by Celtic. Some folk are saying that it's unfair that he's been punished three times; but, really, that's normal practice in most jobs. I know the crime's hardly in the same league, but that headteacher at my school that had all the porn pictures of children on his computer was given community service by a judge. He was then sacked by the council and the GTC removed him from its register so that he couldn't work as a teacher again. He was punished three times and I doubt that anybody would argue against it. It'll be interesting, though, to keep an eye on what happens with Paul Paton!

Reading the Daily Record website is a bit of a mystery tour these days. I was reading one story when I noticed another link at the side, telling us that the actor, Warren Clarke, had died. That caught me unawares, since I was sure that I'd heard that he'd died ages ago. I clicked on the link to check and found an article dated 12th November 2014. It's been a long time since the DR could be described as a newspaper but now it seems to be trying to compete with the History Channel. Next thing you know they'll be telling us that Hitler's dead, or even, perish the thought, that Rangers is dead!

Finally, I had to laugh at the story of the classroom assistant and the fifteen-year-old pupil. I know it's serious stuff, she's in a position of authority and it would be a different matter if it had been a male teacher with a female pupil, but it made me think back to when I was a teenager. Amid all the awkwardness and worrying about plooks, the right clothes and that your hair was clean, the main preoccupation was sex, or rather, the lack thereof. There were actually very few of us at school that actually got to do the dirty deed and many of those that bragged about doing it were liars, as we found out when we finally got to do it ourselves and their stories turned out to be complete fabrications and the girls they claimed to have shagged turned out never to have shagged anyone!

Anyway, my recollections are about finding it nearly impossible to do any work if you were near a window overlooking the hockey pitch and there were quite a few teachers that every red-blooded male pupil (and probably most of the male staff) fantasised about. Even stories in the paper about the Children of God using sexy-looking women to entice teenagers into their sect could drive us all into a frenzy. When stories emerged about them operating in Glasgow there was an upsurge in visits to the city centre of a Saturday. By God, I must have wandered for miles with no sign of them anywhere!

With all these hormones raging, can you imagine what it would have been like to actually have shagged one of those pedagogic princesses that we all dreamed of? And yet, the lad that actually got to fulfil every teenage boy's fantasy claims to be 'scarred for life'. Strangely, though, by his own admission, he had sex fifty times before realising that there was anything wrong. And this wasn't some old matron either; have you seen the pictures of her? Yes, I know it's wrong and she was in a position of trust and deserved to be sacked but think back to when you were fifteen! In fact, I wonder if she's fed up with younger men and fancies a change with a portly, middle-aged one. I've still got my own teeth and all my hair!

Finally finally, the new book is coming along well and hopefully I should have it finished for Christmas. Apologies for the, I believe, two people that have read 'Only the Good'. I've removed this book from Amazon and intend to use parts of it in this new book. It's all about corruption of the Westminster (and Dolphin Square) variety and a good deal of it is concerned with Northern Ireland in the 1970s. It will certainly shock you! As I said before, I'm already looking at different fonts and font sizes to keep the amount of pages to a minimum. I think this particular tome would interest Monti but I don't want him having apoplexy over the price!

Sevco go on the hunt for new players to sign.

 

"'Ere, what 'appened in '54, then? An' why've yer got that French flag upside-down?"

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day... Naw, wait, I'll start again. Last Christmas Super Ned, Barry Ferguson, was beating the drum for poor Sooperally. It wasn't his fault, nobody in the history of the world had ever been under so much pressure, even Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane didn't know he was born when compared to the burdens of Sooper. The board had let him down, the players had let him down and probably even his hydrangeas were refusing to grow; but no fingers, green or otherwise, should be pointed at Sooperally.

Fast-forward ten months and Barry has no sympathy whatever for Ian Baraclough. Apparently the buck stops with the manager and nobody else is to blame, whether players, chairmen or hydrangeas. That's the thing when it comes to The Peeppul; the pretence that their old club never cheated and that it never died has led them to be extremely selective when it comes to the past. Barry indulges in some more selectiveness when he, again, tries to convince everybody that he had nothing to do with driving Paul Le Guen out of Rangers. Apparently, it was all to do with the fact that Le Guen "just didn’t understand what Rangers is all about". You can just imagine Barry tapping the side of his nose with his forefinger while saying that. He goes on to say that "he couldn’t adapt to life at a club where winning every week is the be-all-and-end-all." So are we meant to believe that Le Guen was sending his team out to get beaten on a weekly basis? The probable scenario is that Le Guen wasn't welcome at those wee meetings doon the Ludge, where referees were given their instructions about Rangers matches. Instead, Le Guen insanely expected Rangers players to actually go out and win on their own merits! As Barry says, "He just didn’t get it."

And it's not just Super Ned that plays tricks with his own memory; the agnivores are at it as well. Over the space of three days in the past week they revealed details about Sevco that were totally at odds with what they were saying the day before. On Day 1 they reported that Sevco denied reports that Chateau Charlie had approached them to pay for his legal expenses. Day 2 and the story now is that Sevco did receive an approach from Charlie but had chased him as he was just at it. And, on the Third Day, the story rose again. This time we learned that Charlie was indeed entitled to have his expenses paid, via one of those famous 'onerous contracts' and was going to take Sevco to court to get his way.

Not once did any of these reports mention the phrases 'contrary to previous reports' or 'we have discovered'; they all just pretended that the story from the day before never happened! Christ, even George Orwell's Ministry of Truth had the good grace to wait a while before doing that and had the sense to go back into the records and change the old story to match the new one! So what we have is the media regurgitating the crumbs fed to them by Jabba and then they don't even notice that the story has changed completely in the space of two days. Still, I suppose we can't expect any different, especially when it comes to Jabba's organ of choice, the Daily Record.

Remember the old days when the Daily Record used to wear the banner, 'Scotland's Champion'? It looks like they're desperately trying to regain that spurious claim after their craven display during the Referendum and the General Election. Today they have a pile of shite about things you need to do to be a Scotsman; it's full of crap like letting your tackle swing free under your kilt, drink Irn Bru and eat deep-fried Mars bars. Aye, there's nothing like a bit of stereotyping, eh? If anything, this particular article is actually offensive and, thirty years ago, the DR would have been the first to complain if an English paper had published this pish. "Who doesn’t want to be Scottish?" they ask. Er...all the ones that supported 'Better Together' in the Referendum.

Even more pathetic was their outrage the other day. There was apparently another one of those silly polls, choosing the 50 Greatest Britons. The Record moaned about the fact that Sean Connery, among others, was't on the list. Unfortunately, the Record being the Record, they managed to make a complete arse of themselves in the process. For example, at Number 12 on the list was Queen Elizabeth I, who was described thusly:

"The Virgin Queen who oversaw Britain defeat the Spanish Armada."

Britain? Er...Good Queen Bess, Gloriana, whatever you want to call her, was the Queen of ENGLAND. Britain didn't enter into it. Scotland had nothing whatsoever to do with the Armada or any arguments with Spain. Granted, nobody in Scotland at the time would be particularly friendly toward Catholic Spain but the fact is that relations with England were pretty strained as well, mainly due to John Knox's ill-conceived book railing against female rulers. Mind you, the mistake in this instance might not be the Record's, but they should have been pointing that out instead of bleating about Sean Connery. It's taking 'Better Together' a bit too far!

Also missed out on, or blatantly ignored, was the description of Sir Walter Raleigh, who was at Number 43:

"Politician, spy, and one of our greatest explorers, who gave us tobacco and potatoes. Executed for his involvement in a plot against the King James I."

One of OUR greatest explorers? Now, either that's a throwback to the days when the Record used to try to claim that everyone that had ever achieved anything was Scottish, or it's letting us know that all of us on this island have always been British rather than different nationalities. Who doesn't want to be Scottish, eh?

Meanwhile, on the bread front, we managed the other day to get our hands on a thick-sliced Warburton loaf with the green wrapper. Maybe the honeymoon period has worn off and The Peeppul are no longer buying the blue and orange-wrapped loaves in bulk anymore. Oh, and we also bought new biscuits: orange penguins. I wonder if they got that idea from visiting Glasgow in July?

Finally, the reactions on many news forums to the deaths in and near Mecca have been nothing short of disgusting. The assumption behind most of the comments is that all Muslims are terrorists, filled with hatred of the Western World and everyone in it. This inductive reasoning can easily be applied to other groups, with results that the commenters on these websites wouldn't like. There are extreme right-wing Christian groups in America that see nothing wrong in killing homosexuals, black people or Jews. Surely this means that all Christians are murderous, racist homophobes? It's worth remembering that forty years ago the same type of commenter would be rejoicing in the deaths of Roman Catholics, since Catholics were all supporters of 'terrorism'. Those folk then were wrong and their counterparts nowadays are wrong as well.

Remember to vote for Bampots Utd as Best Established Football Blog:

http://www.footballbloggingawards.co.uk/vote-now/

The Daily Record wins the Caption Competition

Mark Warburton doesn't think there's much between his side and Celtic

CELTIC IN CRISIS AS IZAGUIRRE MISSES PENALTY

Reading the Sunday Mail the other day (online - nobody in their right mind would buy it), although they use phrases like Celtic running riot and the like, Michael Gannon makes sure he points out how rubbish Dundee were. So it's just been a lucky blip in the ongoing crisis. On the other hand, Sevco are torn a new arse by St. Johnstone but it seems they were perhaps a shade unlucky. Although the Record headline screams that Sevco had been bitten by reality, we're also told how well they played and how plucky they were. The man-by-man scores show not a lot of difference between St. Johnstone and Sevco. Reading that piece you'd be forgiven for thinking that St. Johnstone only won 1-0 by means of a dodgy penalty!

In reality, however, Sevco have been shown up for the crappy team they actually are, relying on dodgy refereeing decisions to beat part-time teams. But we all know that they'll still be built up as world beaters by the agnivores and a decent run in the Petrofac Cup will be portrayed as being akin to Celtic's achievement in 1967! Oh, and if Sevco actually win the thing we'll be told how jealous we all are that Celtic don't have that particular trophy to show off!

Meanwhile, over at Ibrox, more blazers are being handed out. Richard Gough is rewarded for his efforts on behalf of Honest Dave last year with the laughable title of 'Global Ambassador'. That'll be an easy job; a couple of trips to Belfast each year to rouse The Peeppul over there. Well, he's hardly going to be welcome with open arms anywhere else, is he? As has been proven time and again, the much-vaunted 'worldwide support' is nothing more than a myth. Still, it gets Gough off the street and away from folk's bank accounts.

McMurdo's disciples have been left hanging somewhat with his, and his friend's, disappearance from the Rangers (sic) Supporters Loyal website. That effectively means that the site is finished. Although McMurdo was always at pains to make us believe that it wasn't his site, his comments on it suggested otherwise. On a few occasions, adverse comments were let through moderation, with McMurdo saying, "I have allowed this comment..." How did that work if it wasn't his site? He hasn't really given any reasons for doing walking away so perhaps the unthinkable has happened: could it be that McMurdo has accepted a blazer and brogues? Well, stranger things have happened in this long saga.

Speaking of long sagas, I'm beginning to get the impression that Phil Mac Giolla Bhain is being viewed more and more as our version of PZJ. The latter has become something of a joke among The Peeppul; he's still got a hard core of followers, who read his shite more in hope than belief, but most of them are disappointed that his promises of Celtic being dragged through UK and European courts have come to nothing. Phil's beginning to sound the same. We've been reading for a couple of years now how things are about to come to a head and it's the final curtain for Sevco; and it hasn't happened yet. Like PZJ and his friend the Derry Dinosaur Jockey, it's all starting to look like wishful thinking. But, we still live in hope.

Staying on the subject of bloggers, it's time we paid a bit of a tribute to one of blogging's unsung heroes. I'm speaking, of course, of Mick, who has been performing a sterling service with his blog, Bampots Utd, for years now. Not only does Mick write posts himself, but he wades through acres of digital shite to guide us toward the stuff that's worth reading. There are quite a few bloggers that have reason to be grateful to Mick, and I'm one of them. Since Mick featured my blog a good while back my readership has increased dramatically, especially since it led to my being featured on Celtic News Now. And then there's the fact that he's always first in line to plug my books; but that's a different story.

It's time to vote for the Football Blogging Awards and I urge you to vote for Bampots Utd. Mick, in his usual, modest fashion, will be encouraging everyone to vote for other blogs; ignore him and vote for his blog instead. Vote for Bampots Utd. in the category Best Established Football Blog. Click the link here to vote.

There we go and not one mention of pigs. Oh, well, seeing as how I've gone and done it now: never mind stories about our elite shagging pigs; let's see some investigation into their other perverted activities in Dolphin Square and other places!

P.S. After watching Doctor Who it struck me that it's become part of the BBC's Better Together propaganda. They must love us really since both The Doctor and The Master have turned Scottish. Who needs independence, eh?

"There was no gulf in class, it was sheer bad luck. Football is all about the random elements of the game. Those didn’t go our way. I mean, we didn't get one penalty or an opposition player sent off throughout the whole game. What's that all about?"

CRIMES AGAINST RANGERS

At the risk of being in contempt (sub judice, and all that), I have to say that this upcoming trial is something of a mystery. As I've said before, though, Duff and Phelps, as a company, isn't in the dock so I don't know if I'm stepping on any judicial toes or not. Besides, I'm just reiterating what I said in 'Clash of the Agnivores', which, in turn, was gleaned by me from what others were pointing out at the time. The mystery to me is why nobody was concerned about any crimes when they happened in 2012.

There were two major criminal acts perpetrated in 2012; both by Duff and Phelps, whom, as I said, are not in the dock so I think I'm on safe enough ground here. The first act had two parts to it; the renaming of the company and the separation of the company from the club. Both acts are totally illegal under Company Law, but nobody was interested. The first act helped facilitate the second act, which was the sale of the assets, under the pretence that the club was still a going concern. It is not an administrator's job to sell the assets; that is the job of a liquidator. But, of course, the pretext was that the club was still in existence, allowing Duff and Phelps to carry out this criminal, and morally repugnant act. Nobody in the police or the judiciary cared. All that mattered was pretending that Rangers didn't die.

So why the huge interest now in what happened in 2012? The Daily Record, who else, gave the game away the other day with their headline: 'Wanted for Crimes against Rangers'. That about sums it up. Nobody seems to give a baboon's wank about the creditors; no tears were shed three years ago and none are being shed now. All that appears to matter is the money that was pished away during Green's regime. This trial is going to be nothing but a sham. 'Crimes against Rangers' right enough. It looks like Imrad Ahmad is perfectly correct in his assessment of Scotland's legal 'fraternity'.

So if the big crime is being bad to 'Raynjurz', expect to see a lot more people up before the beak. The police are probably scrutinising 'Ze List' as we speak. Maybe we should all be afraid.

"Isn't it true, Mr. Anderson, that you, with malice aforethought, did publish two books claiming that Rangers isn't Rangers anymore and, what is more, laughing at them?"

"And you, Mr. Monti, did you or did you not send your hound into the sewers to bite fuck out of many a poor Hun? And are you not responsible for the invention of the phrase 'Stupid, stupid Huns', claiming that they are thick twice over? And what, exactly, is the purpose of that infamous utility room?"

"Come, come, my dear Mick. Do you honestly expect the court to believe that you were not taking the piss far more than Mark Warburton has been doing? Sometimes you have had half a dozen posts on your blog on the same day. Do you not think that you are indeed guilty of heinous crimes against Rangers?"

"Ahhh! Hector! Perhaps you could tell the court about those corduroy trousers. You are obviously a terrorist-supporting, Rangers-hating, Teuchter bastard! I rest my case M'Lud!"

It'll be like some show trial in Nazi Germany or Stalin's USSR. We'll be there for a good couple of years at least and then, once we've all found been found guilty, we'll be crucified along the road from Ibrox to Govan Cross, with a sign nailed to each cross saying, "For crimes against Rangers". The only person to walk free will be Portpower, mainly because nobody understands what he's on about!

Meanwhile, The Peeppul are up in arms because Sevco hasn't been included in some video game called FIFA 16. Makers EA Sports have explained that they failed to come to an agreement with Sevco. I love their little addendum: "However, newly-promoted Hearts will feature in the game with the other 11 authentic clubs from the Scottish Premiership," Authentic clubs? That'll go down a storm at the Ludge! One of The Peeppul is quoted as saying, "I am outraged the world's most successful team has been overlooked." Whether or not that accolade ever belonged to Rangers is debatable; it is also moot, since Rangers died three years ago. But the worldwide fan base is on the case and a whole 1300 have signed an online petition. A promise has already been made that the requisite death threats will be arriving at EA's headquarters as soon as possible.

The Daily Record has got somebody to translate Barry Ferguson's latest chubby-stump crayon scribbles and it makes for hilarious reading. He claims that Derek McInnes is turning Aberdeen into Rangers. That's funny; I thought McInnes was doing a good job and now Ferguson comes along and tells us that he's actually killing off the club! Ferguson also confirms what those of us outwith The Peeppul always knew in our hearts to be true about the dead club: "(Winning) was the be all and end all of being at Rangers at that time." In fact, if truth be told, winning was always the be all and end all at Ibrox. The rules of the game, paying proper taxes and even the Second World War all came a distant second at Ibrox to making sure the team won. That's why they died!

Our wonderful government in Westminster has decided to scare the shit out of us again by telling us that there are 3000 bloodthirsty ISIS jihadists ready to murder us all in our beds. They really must think our heads button up the back. Forty years ago the country was full of IRA operatives, ready to blow us all up; now it's Muslims. In forty years time they'll have a new scapegoat. As long as we don't question what our masters in London are up to, they'll protect us from the big, bad men.

I found an interesting statement on IMDB when I was looking to see what a film was about. Somebody had this to say, "If a civilian is shot by a soldier, he is a casualty of war; a tragedy, but shit happens. If the civilian refuses to die but fights back - he's a terrorist!"

Finally, I see a letter has been sent to the Sevconians regarding a complaint by one of their own. It seems that the friendly, homely smell of sweat and unwiped arses at Ibrox has been spoiled by one or two of them actually washing. "It's no' the Raynjurz way," a Hun was quoted as saying. "Wae should aw bae staunin' the-gither, shooder tae shooder, jist like it wiz when Ah wiz wee. Ah kin stull remember the great days, singin' the songs and breathin' in the smell-a shite. Aye, they wur the days, when wae walked the land wi' dignity, giants in wur ain minds, an' then..." (Continued on any random page of 'Rangers (sic) Supporters Loyal'.

"Hello, playmates! It's yer old pal, Big-Hearted Bill Struth, again. Now what's all this I hear about supporters having to take baths and the like? In my day men were men and you took a bath on the first day of Spring and that was that. No walking about smelling like big Nancies back then; it would've frightened the horses! You sewed yourself into your combinations for the Winter and only took them off once June arrived. You even took your annual bath still wearing them. If God had meant me to walk around with clean bollocks seven days a week then He'd have given me a tongue like a cat's! So let's hear no more about it. A shite, a shave and a touch of Macassar is enough for any man to look his best. Just remember, the British Empire was built on knob cheese! Ayyyyyythenkyaow!"

CELTIC IN CRISIS

Celtic's in crisis. Beneath the façade of the fancy walkway and European games, all is not well over Parkhead way. At least, that's what Level 5, I'm sorry, Keith Jackson is telling us. The club's losing money hand-over-fist, Ronny Deila's losing the changing room, Peter Lawwell is tearing his hair out and none of the players can stand John Collins. All this from a guy that's been banned from Celtic Park for the past year. Of course, there's no kind of agenda behind all this, is there?

Sevco is surviving on fumes. Nobody in their right mind would want to put any money in and all they can rely on is loans and more loans. Oh, but there's the gate money as well; but that's only going to keep coming in as long as the team keeps performing on the pitch and the referees keep giving them every decision going. The team, however, is relying on loans as well; loan players that will disappear either in January or May. Meanwhile the outlays will be going up as winter comes and the floodlights will need to be used. (Unless, of course, it can be fixed for Sevco to play all their matches at 12.30!) Scottish Power can't trust them to pay their bills and I believe the club is already using one of those pre-payment meters. How is it going to look when the second half of a match has to be delayed while somebody nips down to the local shop with the top-up card? But, never mind. Celtic's in crisis.

Sevco has a convicted crook for a chairman; a man that's hardly ever here but 'jets in' now and again, like Dan Dare, to tell an eager press what his plans are. The guy's obviously been hitting the magic mushrooms as he regales everyone with tales of resuscitating Rangers from near-death (Don't listen to him - keep moving towards the light!), nuclear-powered pitches, orbiting training facilities and half-time entertainment comprising of dancing unicorns and acrobatic fairies. Rather than point and laugh, our esteemed Fourth Estate reports it all as if it's really going to happen. Oh, and Celtic's in crisis.

In fact, not only is Honest Dave consuming the psilocybins, he must be passing them out, the same way Green handed out cups of tea. How else to explain the utter delusion of the Peeppul as they spout their pish online. How about this one from McMurdo's blog:

"You could tell a bear just by looking at him, by the way we conducted ourselves, and showed courtesy to whoever we met going to, during or returning from a game. That’s what made us stand out against others."

The good folk of Barcelona and Manchester still remember this 'courtesy' and the way they 'conducted' themselves. This clown is right about one thing, though - they've certainly stood out against others!

Then there's the Phantom Flan Flinger, who some folk suspect to be Listy Graham, the alien gobble-giver. In a tirade against Phil Mac Giolla Bhain, he said, "Phil managed to take advantage of a dead child to get in a cheap shot at Rangers with no evidence or context for the slur." Er...child abuse, BJK and all that? Apparently Phil is indulging in a bit of deflection because of the financial worries at Celtic Park. Did I mention that Celtic's in crisis?

Imran Ahmad, meanwhile, has really stirred up the Huns with his refusal to come to Scotland without certain assurances. He feels he won't get a fair trial over here since the establishment, including the police, is crawling with Huns. Christ, even the foreigners can see it! The Phantom Phart Smeller says he is going to send a Tweet to Pakistan, to stop Ahmad using the 'religion card'. The Tweet says, "and rich Protestant businessmen killed yours." This has got nothing to do with Ahmad, but was in reply to some clown that made this Tweet, "the poor beginnings are a myth - rich catholic business men started their club." If Listy really wants to send something to Pakistan he should send his famed drawing of Jar Jar Binks and prove to everybody that Phil is correct! Keep taking the shrooms, son!

Finally, if it's true that everybody hates John Collins then it's hardly going to bother him. He can just go back to his old job:

DAVE'S DELUSIONS

Anyone reading Honest Dave's latest ramblings could be forgiven for thinking that he's come down with dengue fever or something; either that or some substance was slipped into his drink while he 'jetted in'.

First on the agenda was coming to an 'agreement' with Sooperally. Considering there are only three months left on his contract, it's hardly a major coup, is it? King goes out of his way to keep the myths going about Sooper, such as the one about him working for free when, in fact, his salary was deferred, meaning he was paid back later. And then there's the one about him accepting only half his salary; we were told constantly that this was going to happen but I don't remember anybody telling us that it had happened! In other words, it's a load of shite. Honest Dave goes on to tell us about Sooper (and his mum) having seats in the director's box. This is the least King can do after everything Sooper did to tarnish the previous regime at Sevco. See 'Never Mind the Zombies' for more on my theory about Ally being a Fifth Columnist working on behalf of King.

Next up is King's contention that Hibs approached Sevco about buying Scott Allan. Now why the hell would Hibs do that? The truth is that Sevco knew they couldn't afford him and only put in those bids, and got their friends in the media to put pressure on Hibs, in order to cause a bit of upset at Easter Road. The Petrofac Cup game proved that the strategy worked. Leeann Dempster denies everything Honest Dave says; so it comes down to which one of them you're prepared to believe. You know what would help us decide who's lying? - if either of them had ever had their capacity for telling the truth called into question by somebody official.

And it seems as if every team in the Premiership is looking at some serious skid marks next season; while the cream of European football has an extra year to get new underpants ready. Sevco's coming down the road (again!) and Honest Dave's going to add five new players to his current squad to make sure they steamroller everybody in their path. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't his current squad contain a number of loan players that will all be buggering off next summer, if not sooner? So as well as getting new folk in, he's going to have to replace the ones he's already got. That's nearly a whole new team; so where's the money going to come from? He admits in his interview with Jackson that there's not enough money to see out the season so, again, where's this cash coming from? It sounds like a load of pish to me.

Keefy promised on Twitter that he was going to press King about that £30m, his 'children's inheritance'. In his 'hard-hitting' interview, this is all that was said:

"Q: But you did promise to invest £30m of your children’s inheritance. Didn’t that box you into a corner?
A: No because people are not saying that to me - not outside of this room. It only ever comes up in chats with you guys.
You people have reasons for continuing to bring it up."

And that was it. No asking what these supposed 'reasons' were, no pressing him on when this £30m is going to appear. In fact, during the whole interview, there was no pressing King on anything. Despite Jackson trying to make it appear as if he was going to grill Honest Dave, all we got was just another piece of Level 5 propaganda.

The best bit of the whole thing, though, was when Honest Dave promised to save the 'Oldco' (i.e. Rangers) from liquidation. He is apparently going to pay the creditors, hoping that they might take 50p in the pound. (Aye, right! More like 5p in every £10,000!) The plan then is to transfer the assets back to Rangers and pretend that the past few years never happened. Quite apart from the fact that it would cost him a fortune he clearly doesn't have, there's the little problem of the shareholders. If he saves Rangers from the brink then those currently worthless pieces of paper, shares in Rangers, will suddenly become worth something again, especially if he is going to transfer the assets back. So where will that leave the Sevco shareholders? And what about Ashley's contracts? There's no way in hell that this mad scheme is going to work. It was crazy when Bill Miller first suggested it in 2012 and it's crazy now!

Speaking of crazy, I see McMurdo and his disciples are getting a bit overexcited at the news that the Deutsche Girl, Auld Lizzie, has now become the longest-serving monarch in British history. It's quite heartening to note that the general public doesn't seem to give a flying fuck, but the Merlinites are falling over themselves to tell us how wonderful she is. McMurdo himself views it as an opportunity to expound his theories from the 'Junior Huns Book of World History', i.e. that Hurmadge is descended from King David and everyone in the British Isles (apart from those pesky Irish, of course) is descended from the Lost Tribes of Israel. He has to, as per usual, wax lyrical about the British Empire. Perhaps if he read some real history books for a change, he'd know that empire building is a sure sign of a country's economic decline. Ask any Ancient Roman senator from the days of the republic and he'll tell you the same!

Before I continue - Monti - get yourself seated and somebody keep the smelling salts handy! The book I'm currently writing is, I think, going to end up as one of those 600-page doorstoppers. Amazon doesn't care about the content of a book; their prices are determined by how many pages are in it. Therefore - steady, Monti - when it finally comes out, this particular tome will probably cost at least a tenner for the paperback. Where's that sal volatile? I'm afraid there's more.

I started off writing children's books and then branched out into doing more grown-up stuff. While I've been selling a reasonable amount of my grown-up books my poor children's books have been sitting on the Amazon shelves gathering digital dust. Since I'm making not a penny from them, I thought I might as well do a promotion and donate all the profits to charity. The charity I've chosen is Aberlour Child Care Trust, to whom I used to give via direct debit back in my wealth-laden teaching days. You can find out all about them by clicking here.

I'm not setting a time limit on this and I'll do the same for any other children's books I write. Now comes the faint-inducing part. When I set the prices for the four books in the 'Skyscraper Rocket Ship' series, I wanted to make sure that they were all the same price. This meant that I would have made very little in the way of profits on a couple of these books. One of them would only provide 9p for each book sold. In order to raise a reasonable amount for Aberlour (assuming, of course, that folk actually buy the books!) I've had to - wait for it - raise the price of these four books by 55p. Oh, God, he's passed out completely!

Anyway, have a look and see what you think. And they needn't only be read by kids, you know!

You can find the books, and links to their Amazon pages, by clicking here.

Finally, apropos of nothing, I found myself face-to-face with one of those giant house spiders last night. A huge fucker it was; nearly as big as a tarantula. I employed my usual, humane, method of disposal: guiding it into a plastic cup and then letting it go in the garden. The bastard was faster than I thought and it came running up the piece of card I was using to push it toward the cup. Christ, my life flashed before my eyes as it nearly reached my hand! Eventually I got it out into the garden, where it is no doubt at this very moment plotting its way back into the house. It's weird how even when these brutes that invade my house give me the heebie-jeebies, I still can't bring myself to kill them. Except, of course, when it's a wasp - in that scenario no quarter is asked or given!

CELEBRATING SOOPERALLY IN SONG

FUNDAMENTALLY SPEAKING

A good chunk of The Peeppul is getting all excited about Chateau Charlie and the rest being arrested and appearing in court. It's all going to come out that they were duped, Rangers was defrauded, they have all been victims and the whole of Scottish football owes them an apology. Talk about being seriously deluded! If any truths do emerge from this case then I don't think they're going to like it. That is, of course, if any truths do emerge; we've expected this before and all we got was lies and obfuscation.

Even the Merlinite Disciples are getting carried away with themselves, believing that they're going to get to the bottom of Craig Whyte's purchase of Rangers. Unfortunately for them, nobody's even mentioned that; all the case is concerned with is the purchase of the assets in 2012 and nothing more. Besides, there was actually nothing wrong with Whyte's purchase of Rangers; the fraud bit came in with how he raised the cash and that's already been dealt with. There'll be no further probing in that direction, especially since it could result in the bank having to hand back that cash to Ticketus and then wait in line with everybody else until BDO is finished. There is no way in hell that the Establishment is going to allow that to happen!

Anyway, the big question on everybody's lips should be why this has taken so long to get to court. There were serious illegalities perpetrated at the time, which our judiciary saw fit to stand by and let happen. It is illegal for administrators to set up a new company, in which to dump all the debt and it's not an administrator's job to sell assets; if they can't get a buyer for the company, then everything should be handed over to the liquidators. The fact that Duff and Phelps, as a company, is not in the dock is clear evidence that these issues are not within the remit of this case.

Make no mistake, this is nothing more than a show trial. I remember, about twelve years ago, somebody from Bristol saying to me that it was obvious that Rangers was the Establishment club in Scotland. This is still the case. Everybody with any authority has bent over backwards and twisted themselves in knots to perpetuate the myth that Rangers didn't die and that the club now operating out of Ibrox is 'still Rangers'. Does anyone honestly expect this court case to show differently?

In an uncharacteristic piece of honesty, the Daily Record says,  "After failing to negotiate a successful sale, it (Rangers) was placed into liquidation. A consortium, led by Green, purchased its assets in 2012 in a £5.5 million deal." The official police statement about their investigation, however, says that it is into the "alleged fraudulent acquisition of Rangers FC in 2012". I think that says it all, really.

I think I've mentioned this before, but it's definitely appropriate here. The historian AJP Taylor said of the Nuremberg Trials at the end of WWII that a few Nazis were hanged and then it was assumed that the rest of Germany had been somewhere else at the time. This is what I'm expecting of this court case. A few individuals will be thrown to the wolves, while it'll just be business as usual down Govan way. Anyone getting their hopes up that it's going to be about exposing the truth is, I believe, going to be seriously disappointed.

Meanwhile, I've been reading about ISIS destroying Palmyra, an ancient temple and a world heritage site. Everyone's up in arms about this important historical and artistic monument being obliterated by religious fundamentalists. I agree wholeheartedly. I also feel the same about the Iconoclasts that destroyed many religious works of art in Constantinople, and the religious fundamentalists that did the same during the Reformation. Strangely, though, I've never seen anyone mourn the treasures lost in those particular bouts of destruction.

On a similar theme, I've had somebody on Twitter going on about crosses, halos, sun symbols and, that perennial favourite, Dagon fish hats. I think the guy's a Jehovah's Witness, many of whom are absolutely obsessed with the Catholic Church. They're not the only ones. I've read plenty of stuff by folk that would be perfectly willing to destroy St. Peter's and the Vatican. And then there's the likes of our old pal, the Derry Dinosaur Jockey, who wants to enforce the teaching of Creationism in schools. Could somebody explain to me the difference between these characters and Islamic State? I certainly can't see any.

"Hello, playmates! It's your old pal, Big-Hearted Bill Struth, here again. Now, I don't understand all this business with court cases and the like. That's not the Rangers way. In my day any differences were settled by just going on a short boat trip. We soon got any problems sorted out without the need to bring lawyers and all the rest of them into it. Ayyyyyyyyyythenkyaowwwww!"

HAUD YER NOSE!

So the three men that 'conspired' to kill ex-UDA man Johnny Adair have been sentenced to hefty prison terms. Antoin Duffy has got 17 years, while the other two got 11 years and 10 years. The judge described Duffy as having 'been “the driving force” in the crimes and that he had been “motivated by strongly held political views”.' The judge also said that 'the murder plot had involved “considerable planning” by all three and that they had been “excited participants” in the offences.' It has to be asked: what offences? What, exactly, have they done wrong?

Duffy's defence lawyer described him as having serious mental health problems as well as an addiction to Tramadol. He was also described as a fantasist. This last label makes a lot of sense. Would somebody that really knew what they were doing go around telling everybody that he was going to kill Adair and McCrory? And, yet, this is exactly what Duffy did. He was willing to discuss his plans with anybody and everybody and bragged about having contacts in Ireland and the underworld that could supply him with weapons. Now, would somebody with such high-powered contacts go strolling into the Brazen Head and accost Anthony Stokes to see if he could relay a message about wanting arms? All he managed to achieve was to get chucked out of the pub.

But wait, Duffy kept going on about getting an AK-47 and then such a weapon was found in a flat in Paisley. N.B. A flat; not one belonging to any of the accused. Well, that's that then; that must have been the gun he kept going on about. Except that's not that. Anybody and everybody knows that the Kalashnikov is the weapon of choice for so-called terrorists throughout the world. The ANC, ZANU, ZAPU, the Red Army Faction, the PLO, the IRA etc. all used Kalashnikovs. So anyone that's trying to see themselves as a Republican hero is hardly going to bang on about getting hold of a Lee-Enfield or any other type of gun; it's an AK-47 or nothing.

Duffy has been convicted on extremely flimsy evidence; mainly recordings made by MI5, who you would think had better things to do with their time. All these three men ever did was talk; no weapons were purchased or otherwise obtained and nobody got hurt. Rather than a jail sentence, Duffy should have been sent to a psychiatric hospital for help. As for the other two, the judge said that she couldn't understand why they got involved. Involved in what? All they did was talk and go along with Duffy's fantasies, which is what most folk do when they've got somebody mental for a friend; humour him until he gets over his delusions or gets committed.

Contrast the treatment of these men to the ones that sent bombs through the post to Neil Lennon and others. These would-be bombers didn't just sit around talking; they did their best to make devices that they hoped would maim and injure, and perhaps even kill. It doesn't matter at all that their bombs wouldn't work; they intended to hurt people and tried their best to do so. And yet, none of them got anywhere near the sentences meted out to Duffy and his friends. In fact, it was all treated as one big joke, with the bombers portrayed as buffoons that didn't have an idea what they were doing. Actually, they did know what they were doing; they were trying to kill people.

It's difficult to discern exactly what the motivation is behind the sentences handed out to Duffy and his cronies but the judiciary has left itself wide open to allegations of sectarian bigotry. Orange-minded extremists targeting Catholics and Irishmen, just because they are Catholics and Irishmen, are let off with a relative slap on the wrist. A fantasist with delusions of being a Republican hero, targeting a well-known criminal and thug, meanwhile, gets a hefty prison sentence, along with his 'accomplices' simply for talking about doing something. Something definitely stinks here!

Speaking of bad smells, the Daily Record is at its hypocritical best (or should that be worst) again. Once again the referees in this country have shown that they're among the most incompetent in the world. Managers are complaining and pointing the fingers, which the Record claims is tantamount to bullying. I've gone on about this before, but in 2008 a few decisions went Celtic's way and the Record, under the dictatorship of Jabba, had plenty to say about the matter; all but accusing referees of cheating. They even hired a psychiatrist to assess if the referee was up to the job before the first Old Firm derby. No talk about refs being bullied back then!

Back to the present, and it doesn't matter what you think of Hearts, it certainly looks as if Willie Collum has it in for them. That's five players sent off in the last five games and there's definitely a pattern emerging. To the Daily Record all I have to say is a paraphrase from the defence lawyer's closing statement to the jury in the film 'A Time to Kill' - Close your eyes. Now, imagine that it's Sevco!

Of course, there's part of the reason the Record's sticking up for our referees right there. Once again, the man in the middle is there to ensure Sevco come out on top. The 5-1 scoreline might suggest a rout, but Sevco had two penalties while QOS had a man sent off. After the referee coming to the rescue last week against Hibs it looks like the SFA and its officials are determined that Sevco is going to cruise into the Premiership, by hook or by crook.

In 1984, during the Miners' Strike, I remember seeing a blacked-out figure speaking on TV-AM with his voice disguised. The man called himself 'Silver Birch' and he was at the head of a group of miners trying to persuade everyone to go back to work. Since the Government had managed to get judges to prevent the NUM laying hands on its strike fund, its own money, most of the miners were starving and had to think about the present situation of their families instead of the future. And so the Union of Democratic Mineworkers was born, persuading most miners back to work with a handful of promises from the Government that, despite what Scargill was saying, their jobs were safe.

Fast forward a year or two and it emerged that Silver Birch and the UDM had been financed and organised by businessmen attempting to split the union. It also emerged that Scargill had been right all along and the UDM had been conned; by the end of the 1980s there wasn't a deep-shaft mine left in Britain.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I was reminded of it when I saw all the stuff about this 'new party', RISE. This is apparently an amalgamation of different, left-wing supporters of Scottish independence, whose main policies seem to be all about drawing support away from the SNP and fostering hatred of Tommy Sheridan. What is the point of this organisation? If we get independence then people will be able to vote whomsoever they want into the new Scottish Parliament. That's what everyone's aim should be; uniting in the fight against Westminster. Instead, this mob are banging on about 'holding the SNP to account at Holyrood'.

Who is financing this operation is what I'd like to know. And why is the Daily Record making such a big deal about RISE? I think the answer is obvious; it's a divide and rule tactic from Westminster's bottomless bag of dirty tricks. I think you'll agree that something smells about this 'new party'. In fact, there seems to be a lot of nasty smells going about this week; all emanating from the same, bigoted, Unionist sewer!

Finally, I see Chateau Charlie is to be questioned by the police about his 'takeover' of Rangers. Exactly what they're going to do if they decide that his purchase of the assets in a secret deal was illegal, which it was, I have no idea. Auld Leggat's dream of everything reverting back to David Murray while Bobby Ewing steps out of the shower is just that; a dream. If everything from Craig Whyte onwards is declared null and void, then where does that leave the current Ibrox club? It's a big bloody mess and it'll never be sorted out. All we can say for certain is that Rangers is deid!

The story in the Record is going to land Keith Jackson in big trouble with his Level 5 masters. He says, 'After Rangers were liquidated, Green and his team bought the club’s assets in a deal with Duff & Phelps.' Oh, dear. That won't go down well. Repeat after me, Keith, Charles-Green-bought-the-club! Now go and write it out one hundred times!

Still, Jackson makes sure he doesn't let the side down near the end of the article when he mentions Green's horse, Ibrox, which ran in the 3.20 at Chepstow yesterday. (In blue and white colours, believe it or not!) Keith tells us that the nag came in fifth, which sounds credible enough until you discover that there were only six horses in the race! I guess you're not allowed to say 'second-last' when the brute's called 'Ibrox', eh?

"It's a fair cop, guv. I'll come quietly!"