PROVACATEURS AND ENTREPRENEURS

Obviously things didn't quite go according to the agnivores' script last night. All the shite they'd been spouting about Deila under pressure, the changing room being lost and players fighting and biting chunks of out each other didn't have the desired effect. They're well pissed off, as you can tell by the way they're saying how boring the match was and that Leigh Griffiths saved Ronny's arse.

And they're still desperately trying to ramp up the pressure. Look at this pish from the Record (where else?) "this capital trip kicked off the start of a massive nine days for Deila with Premiership challengers Aberdeen next up on Saturday followed by Molde in the Europa League." And then comes the mention of the "training ground bust-up between Izaguirre and Ciftci." They're getting desperate; but not as desperate as The Peeppul. One of them laughably, and without a hint of irony, is on the Record comments saying that Celtic only won thanks to a dodgy referee!

The fact is that it was Tom Rogic that really changed the game, not Griffiths. And who was it that saw what was needed and put Rogic on in place of James Forrest? If that had been Sevco we'd be reading all about what a tactical genius Warbie is and how, with his Sorting Hat on, he can judge how to change a match. A different story when it's Celtic; apparently Deila's still 'under pressure'.

The Agenda continues with Willie Miller telling us that "The whole of Scottish football is relying on Dons taking title fight to Celtic". Fair enough, you might think. Everybody wants to see an exciting league. But then comes the punchline in the article itself: "I’ve always been a supporter of getting Hearts back in the league and it’s the same with Rangers (sic) and Hibs...We need them back in there to make it a credible league". What the fuck? So it's not a 'credible league' at present? It's the old argument that only those, and such as those, that should be in the top tier. Forget the fact that Hibs were shite two seasons ago and were relegated as per the rules and that Sevco is a new club working its way up; they should be put straight into the Premiership. I wonder if, in the unlikely event of Celtic being relegated, we'd still be talking about a league that's not 'credible'!

Remember last summer, how we were told that the Championship was the one to watch and how it was going to be vastly more exciting than the Premiership? There was none of that kind of stuff this year and I don't hear 'the whole of Scottish football' calling for Hibs to put up a better show. Apparently, 'the whole of Scottish football' only wants excitement in the top tier and is perfectly happy with a 'one-horse race' in the Championship. I wonder why that is.

Meanwhile, Lady Muck, Michelle Mone, has given out this advice on Twitter: "If you really want something, really work hard, don't look for excuses, be proactive, have a can do attitude & never ever give up,you will succeed." Is this bitch for real? Let's have a look at how she 'got to the top'.

Seemingly, Mone left school at 15, even though, by law, you can't leave until you're 16. (Anybody that stayed on at school will remember all the sullen characters that had to keep going to school for a fifth year, at least until Christmas.) But, hey, it sounds good when you're trying to make out how hard your life was! Anyway, she got work as a model and then got herself pregnant. One quick shotgun wedding later and she had to become a housewife, while her husband only earned £13,000 a year. I'm welling up already. Oh, and according to some of the stories she gives out, she was a single parent. Quite how you manage that with a husband in tow is not explained.

Next came the job at Labatt, which Mone admits she got through lying on her application about her qualifications. After she was made redundant she came up with the idea of the Ultimo Bra and the rest is history. Except it's not. There have been various articles in newspapers that question her role in the MJM company, saying that she was simply a PR front while her husband did all the work. And there have been doubts expressed about how successful MJM was and how much money she really has. Still, giving lectures at £20,000 a pop and picking up £300 a day for turning up at the House of Lords means that she won't be going hungry and is still going to need those diet pills.

I'm always suspicious when some successful 'entrepreneur' is held up as some kind of example to us all. Richard Branson, Karren Brady and, dare I say it, David Murray, all came from rich backgrounds and progressed with the help of 'daddy' and his contacts. Then we have others that didn't come from quite such privileged beginnings. Alan Sugar made his fortune with the Amstrad company. Anyone unlucky enough to have owned an Amstrad hi-fi in the 80s will know that the name was hardly a by-word for quality. In fact, many folk called them Amstrad lo-fi's. Another character held up as an inspiration is one David Sullivan, who started out by selling pornographic photographs through adverts in men's magazines.

So, really, if you were to follow these entrepreneurs' examples you need a rich daddy, con folk into buying utter shite or sell dirty pictures in plain, brown envelopes. Failing that, lie. If you're a female, of course, you can always wave your blond hair, flash your teeth, get your tits out and bag a well-off husband. Working hard, it seems, is a mug's game. And to prove the point, these folk want to cut tax benefits so as not to encourage anyone to actually take a job. We've all to start up our own businesses. I'm afraid my tits aren't as good as Lady Muck's and I don't have rich parents. Now, where's that camera...

I'm about half-way through getting my book formatted. Yes, I know I've said that before but I noticed an error and had to start all over again! I'm getting the hang of it now, but it's still a long, painful process. It might not be available next week but, don't worry, the winner of my competition will still get a copy as soon as it's ready. So keep those answers coming. Remember, I just want you to tell me what 'F.H.S.I.B.', which I listed as one of my qualifications in 'Never Mind The Agnivores', means. Send your answers to andersonpat43@gmail.com

"I'd like to see the Dons get beat by six or seven goals.

 I'd like to buy the agnivores a Coke, and ram it up their holes.

I'd like to see their favourite team come crashing round their ears.

And hear the echoes through the hills of bitter sobs and tears."

(It's no' the Real Thing - it's a whole new club.)

A LEVEL 5 PLAYING FIELD

Well, it looks as if we were right about Jackson's 'attack' on Honest Dave. He was just paving the way, like John the Baptist, for the Messiah to bless us all with another of his statements. Honest Dave had actually 'jetted in' on Monday; something I'm sure Jackson would have been aware of. To paraphrase King's statement, "Everything's Ashley's fault. We can't afford a court case but the cunt can whistle for his money." So, essentially just another bout of deflection. They're good at that.

Speaking of deflection, the media are going into overdrive with their agenda against Celtic, especially the Daily Leveller. Their latest story is about a 'bust-up' on the training field between Ciftci and Izaguirre. They've got a picture of Izaguirre being led away, blood running down his cheek as if he'd been in a fight with the Razor King from 'No Mean City'. In reality, it was an accident, over which both players had an argument that was quickly over and sorted out. The Record, though, can't help mentioning Ciftci's alleged bite last season, as well as the "heated discussion" between Commons and Deila last week. They're absolutely determined to convince everybody that there's serious trouble at Celtic Park.

Another little point showed up in this non-story. Who the hell is the sports editor these days at the Record, Doctor Who? This incident happened on Tuesday and was reported on Tuesday. Then we get this bit, "Celtic manager Ronny Deila confirmed the altercation when he spoke to the media on Wednesday." So now they're reporting tomorrow's news! Still, I suppose that's easily done when you live in the twilight zone where dead clubs are still alive and Third Lanark's looking forward to a good run in the Scottish Cup.

They've even dragged Packie Bonner into their insane, wee world, to tell Ronny Deila what he's going to have to do to hold onto his job. Apparently, "Deila must win the league and at least one cup as well as deliver European football after Christmas" if he wants to stay in charge at Celtic. What is it with these fucking Uncle Tims, always ready to stick the boot in for a handful of filthy lucre? There's nothing wrong with an ex-player offering advice, or even criticism, but this is something different. Surely Bonner could see that he's playing into the hands of people with an agenda? Then again, as I've always said, footballers aren't renowned for being the brightest lights on the Christmas tree!

The worst example, however, of this desperate attempt to cast a shadow over Celtic Park is how the court case involving Paul Paton has been reported. "Dundee United star Paul Paton fined £500 after punching former Celtic keeper Lukasz Zaluska - after a threat the goalie wanted to 'kill all Rangers fans'" screams the Daily Record headline. Now that fine is hardly going to make a dent in Paton's pocket but he was found guilty; not that the Record is interested in anything like that. They're more concerned about Zaluska's outburst on Byres Road. It hardly sounds like something anyone would shout in the street, does it? It sounds more like Bender from Futurama!

So, how do the agnivores at the Record know what Zaluska shouted in the street? Well, Mark Wilson, friend of Paul Paton, claimed in court that that's what happened that night. No other witness said anything about this supposed outburst and, in fact, their testimony suggested that such a thing didn't happen. The Daily Record, however, has taken Wilson's word as gospel. Even worse was the headline earlier on Tuesday before a verdict was delivered:

"Former Celtic goalkeeper Lukasz Zaluska shouted he 'hated Rangers' and 'wanted to kill all Rangers fans' on day he was allegedly attacked".

You see what they did there? The attack was alleged but Zaluska's outburst, which, incidentally, is only an allegation, is presented as if that's what really happened. If I were Zaluska, I'd be looking for a lawyer right now. It doesn't even have to be a good lawyer; anyone can see that this disgusting rag is painting Zaluska as the villain, even though he was the one that was attacked!

Of course, The Peeppul are all over the story, spouting hypocritical shite about how bigoted and racist Celtic and its support are. They've already started going on about the 'troubles' at Celtic Park and are making ironic claims that 'Ronny must stay'. It certainly looks like job done as far as Level 5 is concerned; The Peeppul's attention is well-and-truly not on what's going on at Ibrox!

The determination of the Tories to get their bill on tax credits through the Lords was shown in how they got Andrew Lloyd-Webber to 'jet in' especially for the occasion. The Labour peers decided to abstain, as usual, while the repulsive Michelle Mone picked up her £300 for voting many people into poverty. Among the other peers voting for the Tories' vile bill was Lord Ian Livingston, who, unfortunately, is on the board of Celtic FC. I noticed on Twitter that a petition has been started to get Livingston off the Celtic board. I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I certainly signed it. If you want to do the same, click this link.

I've had a few entries for the competition. None of them are correct, but a couple have given me a good laugh. Remember, if nobody gets the answer right then I'm giving the prize to the funniest! By the way, I've never heard of Fairview High School and a Baccalaureate is akin to A-Levels. The way you're meant to write your qualifications is: degrees come first, then postgraduate qualifications, and then membership of professional bodies. There's a clue there. Send your entries to 'andersonpat43@gmail.com'.

"Ah wish folk wid stoap wi' aw this shite aboot me jist writin' what Level 5 tell mae tae write. It's a load-a pish, so it is. Wait a minute - Comin' Mr. Traynor, sir! Wiz that wan sugar ur two, sir?"

ON THE LEVEL

Here we go again. Celtic demolished Dundee Utd on Sunday, but all our media has to say about it is that DU were pish. It was no big deal, men against boys, a wide gulf in class etc. etc. They're scared to give Ronny Deila credit for anything at the moment; it wouldn't fit the agenda. Anybody watching the match would have noticed that Kris Commons played from the start, scored two and, when he was substituted, he and Ronny exchanged a few friendly words. Obviously last Thursday's episode has been forgiven and forgotten. That scenario, however, doesn't suit our media's agenda. They need a 'crisis' at Celtic and, by God, they're determined to have one.

Warbie's Wonders, meanwhile, played St. Mirren, who currently sit seventh in the Championship, a good 23 points off the pace. Sevco huffed and puffed and managed to win 1-0, with the usual bit of help from the man in the middle, who denied St. Mirren a stonewall penalty. This match, however, is being touted as a major triumph; the old clichés about 'grinding out results' have been well to the fore. Anybody would think that our sports journalists were biased or something!

There has to be a reason why they're trying to stir things to make it look like there's major trouble at Celtic Park, while building Warbie and his team up to the heavens; they're even reporting that Wes Foderingham will be playing for England. It's obvious that there's some agenda at work here, and it was good, old Keith Jackson that let the cat out of the bag.

Jackson was at pains to point out on Twitter at the weekend that he's fed up hearing about how he's just regurgitating Level 5 spin. You can read all about it on The Clumpany's blog. Suffice it to say that his protestations of innocence were roundly mocked. As if to prove his point, he yesterday published an article in the Record, whose headline demands that "it's time for Dave King to reveal his long-term financial plans for the club". As the kids in my classes used to say, Ooooh, scary biscuits! Keefy's ready to show us all that he's actually got a pair of gonads! Unfortunately, the article itself proves otherwise.

It's obvious from the piece that Jackson has come to praise Honest Dave, not to bury him. A few choice phrases stand out.

"brought a measure of calm back to a boardroom which had been ravaged by unrelenting scandal."

"liberating their football club. Freeing it from the clutches of those who had done it so much harm and caused it so much shame."

"A great deal of good work has been done."

"indicative of a club which is being nurtured, healed and regrown from the inside."

But there's a problem; King has left some questions unanswered "And into this vacuum all manner of malicious and ill informed gossip is slowly being poured." I take it Jackson is better informed; well, as far as you can call a Level 5 handout 'information'. So that's what Jackson's really concerned about; people making up bad stories about Sevco. No doubt Honest Dave will be 'jetting in' soon to put the record straight. Somebody on Twitter had the same idea as me and asked Jackson when his exclusive interview with King is going to be.

King might not even have to 'jet in' as Jackson has already answered his own question:

"Of course, to cut them some slack, King and his directors are also having to deal with the extraordinary circumstances which are about to be played out in Edinburgh’s Court of Session, where the bogeymen of this club’s recent history will soon gather together again for the trial of the century.
It could well be because of these proceedings that King’s plans have had to be stalled because, for as long as this case remains active, there is not the slightest hope of the club raising funds from offering new shares to the market. Which is why more loans from current directors will be required as working capital to keep the club ticking over at some point in the New Year, bridging the gap until the next wave of season ticket money starts washing into the bank account."

No mention at all about the lack of transparency, how much Warburton's Brentford Gang is costing, how the situation is going with Ashley and, most importantly, how the hell they're going to offer new shares when they've been delisted and have no Nomad or any sign of getting one. Despite Jackson's seemingly confrontational headline, his article is just another cheerleading exercise to make The Peeppul feel good. That and the supposed 'crisis at Celtic'. There might not be any transparency at Ibrox, but it's easy to see right through Jackson and the Daily Record's agenda.

Remember to get your thinking caps on for my book competition. As I've said before, don't go looking for the answer; use your head. All I want you to do is tell me what my qualification 'F.H.S.I.B.' means. Send your answer to andersonpat43@gmail.com. You've got until Sunday and the winner gets a free paperback copy of my new novel, 'Catalyst'. Come on Monti - a free book!

"The deflector shields are already running at Level 5. They canna take much more, Cap'n!"

REFSGATE REVISITED

A bit of déjà vu in our media just now. I've banged on before about 'Refsgate', which is what the Daily Record called the situation in August/September 2008. Our media was in uproar because a couple of refereeing decisions had gone against Rangers. Meanwhile, Celtic benefitted from a couple of decisions going their way. There was uproar in the media; Chic Young came straight out and accused the referees of helping Celtic. After Walter Smith joined in, moaning about an offside decision, the SFA called a meeting to assure everyone that they would be pulling their socks up.

Fast-forward a couple of years and Dougie McDonald got caught out lying to Neil Lennon. The reaction of our media this time was a wonder to behold. Now they were against criticising our poor, hardworking referees. The men themselves went on strike, with all our media behind them 100 percent. Of course, Neil Lennon got the blame for the whole thing.

Since then it's been a brave man that's criticised a referee and anyone that did has been fined, banished from the dugout or both. Even when Celtic lost a place in the League Cup semi-final it was quickly swept under the carpet and Ronny Deila had to be careful what he said. Then we recently had the same again in a game against Motherwell; again, though, the referee's performance was hardly mentioned. As soon as 'Warbie' starts complaining, however, everybody suddenly sits up and takes notice.

Just like in 2008, our whistlers are under scrutiny and, yet again, a meeting was called to 'reassure' everyone that it's all going to be fine. Why wasn't 'Warbie' dragged before the beaks like other managers? Why, when they're talking about referees' 'mistakes' this season, does the failure to red-card the guy that brought down Odawa get top billing? No mention at all of the blatant foul in the penalty area and deliberate hand-ball in the Motherwell game. And, surprise, surprise, no mention whatsoever of all the penalties Sevco have been awarded this season. It seems we've only to be concerned about match officials when an Ibrox team is affected.

Is Warburton naïve enough to think that all the refereeing decisions going his team's way are deserved? It certainly seems that way. His call for technology to be brought into the game will have had the Heimlich Manoeuvre being employed up and down the land, in order to dislodge large pieces of succulent lamb. He honestly appears to believe that his team has been winning matches purely on merit. If video replays had been available since the start of this season then he'd be in for a huge shock. Or maybe not. No doubt the camera would have broken down. An honest mistake by the technician.

While the referees are being brought into line and, with Warburton's help, raising the bar to level 5, it seems that there's a crisis at Celtic Park. We all had a bit of a kneejerk reaction after Thursday's match, including me. I still think that maybe Deila's not the right man for the job, but it's hardly a crisis of John Barnes or Tony Mowbray proportions. The media/Level5 have, however, grabbed at this opportunity with both hands to deflect from the financial problems at Sevco. On Twitter, Keith Jackson is taking umbrage at being accused of following the Level 5 line. If he wants to avoid these accusations then his course is clear; start being a real journalist and look into the Sevco financial situation. Until he does that, he's nothing but Jabba's lapdog.

Meanwhile, with the Daily Record allowing comments again, The Peeppul are out in force. They know they've got nothing to cheer about yet, so all their energy is directed at having a go at Celtic. Laughably, while they're talking about Celtic 'downsizing' and slagging off Deila, they still insist that their team is 'stull Raynjurz'. Remarkably, they quote Neil Doncaster and the SFA as proof that this delusion is true, even though these are the same folk they're always contending are 'corrupt to the core'. It's worth reminding them when they try to substantiate these claims that there is currently a court case being held into the whole fiasco. This is a real court, with a real judge; not a judge earning pin money for saying what the SFA wants him to say!

My competition has caused some folk to go digging and coming up with qualifications I've never heard of before. I've actually never been to Switzerland, let alone go to business school there! Portpower got the answer wrong with 'First Hoose of Sevco Investment Bank'; but he's got the right idea about not getting bogged down in research. If I can paraphrase Phil Mac Giolla Bhain, in this instance, Google is not your friend. So have another go, or as many goes as you like. You've still got a week. Hopefully, I'll have the bloody book finished before then!

Finally, completely unrelated to anything, our rabbit shocked me the other day with how smart it is. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but we got landed with this house rabbit because of my daughter's capriciousness. She might be in her twenties and about to have a baby, but she's still like a two-year-old at times. The brute's name is Malibu, which I would have changed except for the fact that it knows and answers to the name. There's a large recess in the corner of the living room and that's been set aside as its area. It's welcome to roam the living room when we're around but it seems happy enough to jump about its own space. She's six now and still going strong.

Anyway, when I tidy up her area she always does a tour of inspection before eating, to make sure everything's back in place; if anything's wrong, she moves it herself to where it belongs. If I'm late feeding her, she chucks her dishes about to let us know that it's past the correct time. Every Friday she gets a treat; a plastic stick, which hooks onto the bars, covered in some crunchy, fruity stuff. She usually has it finished by Sunday and then ignores the plastic stick until I replace it. On Friday there I fell asleep in my chair and didn't waken up till two o'clock, well past her lunchtime. I tidied up and hoovered, and then put her food out. I forgot it was Friday so I didn't put a new fruit stick out. She did her usual tour of inspection and then started clanging the plastic stick off the bars to let me know it needed changed; something she's never done before. Now, I can understand that animals have a sort of built-in clock, by which they can gauge when it's dinner time. But how the hell did she know it was Friday? That's got me flummoxed, I can tell you!

How many did you score today, Waggy? What's that? Your opponents were professionals and the referee wouldn't give you a penalty? It's not fair, son. Still, your call-up for the England squad can't be far off!

PLAY SAFE

It looks like Sevco wants the long-suffering Peeppul to dip into their pockets again. How else to interpret Warbie's announcement that his players need protection? Now, whatever the players get up to in the privacy of their changing room is completely up to them. If they need to use protection, however, they should pay for it themselves, not ask others to provide it!

Seriously, though, Sevco has got some gall to complain about referees, when they've been awarded penalties in practically every game already this season. It seems Warbie is getting too used to his players getting every decision going and, consequently, if they don't then he thinks he's being cheated. And you've got to laugh at The Peeppul banging on about dangerous play. Two words: Lee McCulloch.

In the same saga, Marc Burchill is being pulled up for being racist. Obviously he could have expressed himself a bit better but you've got to marvel at the sheer brass neck of The Peeppul accusing anybody of racism. Oh, sorry, forgot, we learned in the referendum that it's only racism when you say something about the English; the Irish, apparently, don't count.

And speaking of referees, as I was, you've got to laugh at our media; otherwise you'd have to start greeting! They're all banging on about a dodgy referee costing the Scottish rugby team its place in the World Cup. The ref gave Australia 'a penalty for accidental offside', whatever that means. Aren't these things supposed to 'even themselves out'? That's what we usually hear in these situations. It's probably what we normally would have been hearing, after what happened last Saturday in the Celtic v Motherwell game; not this time, though. Funnily enough, it was only a few months ago that the same dodgy official got Celtic knocked out of the League Cup; but, hey - these things happen!

They're even suggesting that the rugby match be replayed; after all, it's not fair, is it? Strangely, there were no such calls for the Celtic/Inverness match to be replayed. All our media was concerned about was that it was a wee shame that the hand-ball culprit received a ban. They practically forced the SFA into reversing its decision and the player was let off. Different story now, eh?

The referee at the rugby match comes from South Africa, where, incidentally, you get a lot of the 'brothers', if you know what I mean. It's easy to understand what Brother Muir's all about; Brother Joubert is a bit harder to fathom, but not impossible. What's the one big thing the 'brothers' have been obsessing about recently, even more than Ireland and Catholics? Imagine if Scotland actually won the World Cup, even if it was in rugby! With the Labour Party scared to even mention Scotland in case we all become nationalists, it would have put fear into some hearts for Scotland to have something to be proud about.  It makes you wonder if a wee word was had in Brother Joubert's ear.

And I see that my old name of 'Bisto FC' might have to be resurrected as Sevco continues to serve as a retirement home for Warbie's old chums from Brentford. The latest to climb aboard is one Neil McIlhargey, who has signed up as 'Head of Analysis'. Is that even a thing? Christ, those Sevconian heads really must button up at the back! The story also revealed that the Daily Record is up to its old tricks again. They've allowed comments on the story, but it's obvious if you look at them that a negative comment has been removed. As used to always happen, one of those stupid ads telling you that you can earn £7k a month is allowed to stay. Maybe Level 5 is running the ad scam as well!

After last night's fiasco against Molde, it looks to me like Ronny's tea's oot. I think it's getting to the stage where everybody's patience is wearing thin. It appears as if he's still playing about with the team and hasn't decided yet what works best, which, in an important match like this, is bloody ridiculous. The defence hasn't been sorted out and he just refuses point-blank to admit that he's wrong with the system of zonal defending, especially at set pieces. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's football, not bloody netball!

It's not like Kris Commons to play the prima donna; last night's display was not just petulance, there was something more going on there. It reminded me of Mark Viduka in that infamous Inverness game, where John Barnes was floundering about while Kenny Dalglish was in a golf clubhouse somewhere. It certainly doesn't bode well for Deila. Still, it gives the deluded Peeppul something to cheer about while they blame the referee for their team's poor display against Livi in the Petrofac Cup!

Meanwhile, I see Phil Mac Giolla Bhain has been having a spot of bother with Ruth Dudley Edwards. I first came across this harridan when I was researching for 'Fear and Smear' and she really is a nasty piece of work. Like her father before her, she is a historian. Her father, Robert Dudley Edwards, seems as if he was an old-fashioned Whig historian, seeing all of history as a series of improvements. He was accused by other historians of avoiding the theme of violence and atrocity in his treatment of Ireland in the 16th and 17th Centuries; a theme that is an integral part of what went on.

Ruth Dudley Edwards has carried on the Whiggish tradition of her father, with a new twist. According to her, Ireland was a land full of savages until it was civilised by the English. Apparently, the Irish are still a bunch of savages; it was the Irish moving to Scotland that caused all the sectarian bigotry. As part of her agenda she praises the 'Protestant Ascendancy', the Orange Order and all manner of Loyalist thugs. How the hell this individual got a degree is beyond me!

Her latest cause is complaining about the idea of erecting a statue of James Connolly in Edinburgh. 'Sectarian statues will provoke only bigotry and hatred' is her headline in the Belfast Telegraph. Strangely, I've never heard her complain about the statue of Edward Carson at Stormont. It appears that sectarian 'bigotry and hatred' is only inspired by Republican figures.

Edwards also has a go at Jeremy Corbyn, saying that he betrays a great ignorance of history, especially that of Ireland. This is quite a laughable accusation, since Edwards herself commits one of the worst errors a historian can ever commit. If you study History at all seriously, one of the first things drummed into you is not to impose modern ideas and moralities onto the past. Yes, one can condemn certain aspects of history as a person, but not as a historian. It's essential to remain detached and judge people by the standards of their own times. Edwards, it seems, can't do this.

In her article in the Belfast Telegraph, she says that Connolly was at odds with his fellow Socialists, who felt that he shouldn't be involved in any struggle to do with nationalism. She, of course, gives no sources, which is understandable since it's probably a load of shite. Nationalism back then didn't have the pejorative connotations that it has nowadays; in fact, nationalism was a great cause among both liberals and socialists. The real enemy was the great empires of Britain, Russia and Austria-Hungary, as well as the imperialist ambitions of Germany. It looks like Edwards can't judge folk in history by the standards of the time. The truth is, though, that her bigoted hatred clouds any judgment that she should be making as a historian. In that respect, she actually doesn't count as a historian at all!

Finally, I'm at last getting to grips with formatting my new book and it should be available in a week or so. It's all about organised child abuse in the UK, involving politicians and other top people. Much of the story is set in Northern Ireland in the 70s and part of the tale is that the Provisional IRA's bombing campaign in England was actually at the instigation of the English. Like the sound of it? Well, how about the chance of winning a free paperback copy?

In the front pages of 'Never Mind the Zombies' I thought I'd stick my qualifications after my name to give it the appearance of a serious, historical work. 'B.A.' is easy, it stands for 'Bachelor of Arts'. 'P.G.C.E' means 'Post Graduate Certificate in Education'. Now, here's my question: what does 'F.H.S.I.B' mean? I'll give you a slight clue; the 'H' has got nothing to do with 'History' or 'Historical'.

You've got a week to give me your answer. The first correct answer out of the hat on November 1 will get the paperback. If nobody gets the answer right, then I'll give the prize to the funniest!


You might want to send your answers to my e-mail address. If you get it right, you don't want anybody copying you! My e-mail is andersonpat43@gmail.com. (If you already have my AOL e-mail, then you can send it there as well.)

 

 

 

 

 

REMEMBER REMEMBER

I see the Daily Record are allowing comments on some of their stories and, as before, the bigots are straight in there. It's a toe-dipping exercise but there's no disguising the bile behind the stuff they're posting. The first thing to get them riled was the Glasgow Green fireworks display being moved to November 4th because Celtic have a European tie at home on the 5th. Cue outrage.

"Should never have been allowed to change the date as it is one of many things that is important to teach future generations about traditions and history so that a bunch of over payed guys can kick a ball about a field that in not important to history how lovely."

You can always tell a Hun or Hunnette by the way they always bang on about 'traditions' and 'history'. I think we can all guess what traditions and history this particular clown is on about: it begins with 'N' and ends in 'o Popery'! A fine, upstanding tradition to pass on to the weans, I'm sure. Strangely, these are the same people (or Peeppul) that want to do away with other traditions that your average, Scottish wean has enjoyed since time immemorial.

When I first started teaching we used to have Halloween parties at school, playing music like Ghostbusters and The Monster Mash. The kids would get dressed up and have a great time. As time went on, though, there were more and more greeting-faced, Protestant fundamentalists shouting about paganism. You'd be amazed at how many of these folk there are. Their kids aren't allowed to go out guisin' or see Harry Potter films. Of course, their whining meant that schools had to end up ignoring Halloween altogether. The killjoys are quite happy, however, to let everybody else believe the usual crap about 'Political Correctness' instead of confessing that they're to blame. Now let's see; which one would a child rather do - go out guisin' and have a Halloween party at school, or watch some coloured bangs go off in the sky? So they know what they can do with their precious Guy Fawkes Night!

Meanwhile, the ned's ned, Barry Ferguson is bleating about the rumour about Derek McInnes leaving Aberdeen. Folk started putting bets on and Ladbrokes reacted by making him the favourite to be first out the door in the Premiership. It's not the first time people have believed a daft story and acted upon it; according to Oor Barry, though, it was all done with malicious intent. He says, "So no wonder Derek and the Dons are livid. They’ll be worried it may unsettle them at a crucial time in the season – and I don’t think that’s an overreaction."

Laughably, Wee Baz also says, "There is an old-fashioned accountability about newspapers that does not exist now with anonymous people hiding behind their computers." It's the way he tells 'em! And as for deliberately attempting to unsettle a team, what about Barry and his cronies in the papers, trying desperately to unsettle Hibs by lying about Scott Allan? That's what helped Sevco win against Hibs in the Petrofac Cup, Barry! Barry? Barry?

Of course, the real reason Oor Baz doesn't subscribe to Twitter has got nothing to do with malicious rumours or anything. It's more to do with the fact that, unlike his articles in the Daily Record, there's nobody on Twitter to write things down for him.

And, as more moochers climb aboard the gravy train, our media is telling us how it's a big 'recruitment drive' at Sevco. The new passenger is a wee, baldy man (are they allergic to hair at Ibrox?) called Frank McParland, the man that 'helped develop' Raheem Sterling. The guy was at Liverpool for many years before being sacked as he was surplus to requirements. He then wound up at Brentford, who also got rid of him and was at Burnley when Warbie 'swooped'. To be honest, there's not much to find out about this guy as he has achieved very little, apart from when he 'helped develop' Raheem Sterling. Unfortunately for McParland, they didn't put too much stock in his 'helping hand' down Anfield way, otherwise they wouldn't have sacked him. So the new 'Head of Recruitment' is just another one on the payroll, although the Level 5 spin would have us believe that he's another piece in the jigsaw that will result in Sevco being the first ever club to win the World Cup. Did I mention that he 'helped develop' Raheem Sterling?

The Big Trial has got underway in Edinburgh and even before anyone's in the dock there's enough already to get The Peeppul riled. The document outlining the charges against the Sevco Six says, "Whyte, Whitehouse, Clark and Green conspired to acquire “de facto control and ownership” of Rangers’ business and assets through the administration of the club." Oh dear. If the club went into administration, then that means it's the club that was liquidated. This is the High Court in Edinburgh too; none of your judges working for a bit of pin money or dodgy, EBT-indebted SFA officials here!

Also in the document are details of the money being raised from Ticketus under alleged false pretences. This money was handed over to the Bank of Scotland; something that always gives me pause for thought. I thought it was illegal to benefit from the proceeds of crime. So if Craigy is found guilty on this particular charge, shouldn't that mean that the BoS hands back the money to Ticketus? I won't hold my breath on that one!

I didn't see Question Time the other night but I've read online about the ex-Tory-voting woman ripping into Amber Rudd. Now, apparently, she's all for voting for Corbyn's Labour Party. If I were Corbyn, I'd be writing her a letter giving her the same message that Imran Ahmad gave to the Daily Record. This woman was quite content to see thousands, if not millions, of others suffer under the Tories, but starts to bleat when it happens to her. That's the kind of selfish bastard that I can't stand and it's because of her type that the UK is in the state that it is. So, hell mend ye, missus!

Staying with politics, I notice that we're being bombarded with a load of shite constantly in the press just now about the Suffragettes; mainly because there's some film out about them. While other women worked quietly for charities and on council committees, building up the case for female suffrage, these harridans were out causing trouble and pretty much proving the point that women couldn't vote because they were too emotionally unstable. The Suffragettes actually stopped women from getting the vote before the First World War with their antics.

There's another point to remember as well. These women weren't democrats by any means. At a time when the majority of men didn't have the vote, these women were campaigning for their own kind; namely, upper-class and middle-class women. Even within that narrow framework, it was others that laid the groundwork; all the Pankhursts and their followers did was hog the limelight. It's worth noting that Emmeline Pankhurst became a Tory candidate in the 1920s. So don't be deceived by this nonsense; these rich women achieved bugger all.

Finally, I've finished my latest book and have it all edited and ready. The only problem is that when I upload the thing the preview shows the book isn't formatted properly, no matter what I do. It's a bloody pest but I'll need to spend ages going back and forward to get it right. Sorry, Monti; I know you've been looking forward to buying it as well!

"Underneath the arches, I'll dream my dreams away..."

WORLD-CUP WARBIE

So that's Scotland out of Euro 2016. Hardly a big surprise, is it? Still, look on the bright side; as the Daily Record always tells us, when a team is knocked out of one competition it means it can concentrate on more important ones. So while the cream of Europe work up a sweat next year, Scotland can get ready to qualify for the World Cup two years later! See, it all works out for the best. We're going to need a new manager, though; a world beater and tactical genius. I think we all know there's only one man for the job. Step forward Mr. Mark Warburton. The man commands, nay demands, respect wherever he goes and he even turned down the opportunity to manage Liverpool, such is his love for Scottish football. And just look at his achievements: Scottish Championship manager of the month! Is there any other candidate of the same calibre in world football? I don't think so.

Maybe we'll get lucky and 'Waggy' will find a Scottish granny tucked down the back of the wardrobe. In fact, get the whole Sevco team down the Blood Transfusion Service and have them pumped full of Scottish blood! Just imagine the fear in the hearts of the Germans, the French and every other country in Europe when they learn that they have to face this team of mighty players, each one a legend in our media's minds.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Waggy is claiming that he isn't using Sevco as a stepping stone. A stepping stone to what, exactly? I don't think there are too many top teams in England, or anywhere else, looking for a specialist in taking penalties. In fact, every team in England has already shown that they don't want this superstar manqué. (Love that word!) The Record, as usual, is still trying to promote him as a 'goal machine'. First they print the truth:

"Waghorn kicked off his career as the next big thing at Sunderland, winning England Under-21 caps in the process, but was eventually sold to Leicester for £3m and a succession of lower-league loan deals followed until he joined Wigan, where he was deemed surplus to requirements."

Then comes the fantasy:

"But the 25-year-old has recovered from those knocks to enjoy a blistering start to his Rangers (sic) career..." He's apparently rebuilding "his reputation as a top player".

Aye, right! So Man. Utd. are going to come calling in January on the strength of him scoring seven penalties against postmen and social workers! He scored nothing against St. Johnstone, remember, so he's still got everything to prove. Oh, wait, sorry...he's the Championship Player of the Month. Silly me. Never mind England; it'll be the Nou Camp next for Waggy!

While our papers all extol the virtues of Warburton's Wonders, they can't help but get their little digs in at Celtic. Last night the Sun (which normal folk wouldn't wipe their arses with) tweeted how disgraceful it was that Celtic had wished ROI good luck when they were effectively Scotland's opponent in the group. Cue all The Peeppul with their usual cries of 'scum' etc. and almost blaming Celtic and ROI for Scotland being knocked out. Of course, this being the Sun, it was all lies. Celtic's Twitter account had earlier wished Scotland all the best against Poland, listing the Celtic players in the team. The good wishes to Ireland appeared later, almost as an afterthought. As usual the truth plays no part in the thinking of either the Sun or the Hun!

I watched the final programme the other night in BBC3's trilogy about racism. This one was all about Britain First and its campaign to kick out Muslims and stop any mosques being opened. The documentary mostly focused on Jayda Fransen, the organisation's deputy leader. Amazingly, this woman was brought up a Roman Catholic and, from the statue of the Virgin Mary in her house, it looks as if she's still practising. The leader of this merry band is one Paul Golding, whom you might remember as one of the leading lights of the 'fleg' disturbances in Belfast. This guy is well-known in Loyalist and Orange circles as well as previously being a BNP thug. I wonder if Ms. Fransen would be willing to accompany her Great Leader when he goes to Northern Ireland to demonstrate against the opening of an RC church! Sorry, Monti, but it looks as if it's not just Huns that are stupid!

Speaking of Monti, look away for a minute, son. I'm up to 88,000 words in my new book and there's still a good way to go yet. But fear not, Sir Monti, I'll reduce the words to the smallest size I can and see if I can squeeze it all into twenty pages or so. It won't hold the utility room door open, but it'll be cheap!

Finally, why can't our unions be more like the French? I've got more reason than most to be pissed off at unions after my EIS rep sat and let me be railroaded out of a job with ne'er a word of protest. It wouldn't be like that in France. Did you see those board members of Air France after they'd announced job losses? The chairman's suit was in shreds, while the personnel manager had the shirt ripped right off his back! That's the way to deal with the bastards!

For Christ's sake - somebody get him a hankie!

HIDE, MAMMY - THEY'RE COMING!

I couldn't believe it when I saw the headline on the Daily Record's website this morning: "Peter Houston may have a point.. perhaps his Falkirk side didn't get one against Rangers (sic) thanks to a poor referee". My God, was the Record actually going to admit to Sevco getting a helping hand from the man in the middle? Unfortunately not. Like most articles in the DR the headline does not really match what's in the report. David McCarthy's piece is actually pretty anodyne and can basically be summed up by the old Jabba favourite, "These things happen in football, but they even themselves out."

As usual, the DR 'journalist' fails to point out that this isn't the first time this season that Sevco has benefited from refereeing decisions. The hack also fails to portray the true scandal of the story: that Warburton was allowed to meet with the referee at half-time. No other manager and no other team would be accorded this privilege; in fact, I'm sure it's against the rules. Apparently Warburton was unhappy that his team was not award the usual game-changing decisions in the first half and stormed in to remind John McKendrick of his responsibilities. I believe goats cropped up in the conversation at one point.

I see that Imran Ahmad, and his mammy's house, appear to have had their chips. It surely can't be a coincidence that straight after the Daily Record prints the location on a map Cameron has announced the purchase of a squad of new drones? It'll be a lot easier for Jabba, and the mob due to appear in court, to blame Ahmad for everything if he's been blasted to atoms, along with his mammy. It seems that Level 5's tentacles stretch a lot further than we thought!

Meanwhile, the corpulent character that writes the Sevco fan pieces for the Daily Record is trying to ridicule Dermot Desmond for his 'playing in a British league' shite. Unfortunately, like most of The Peeppul, he can't help betraying his own delusions. His headline screams: "British League? Forget it.. the likes of Manchester United see Rangers and Celtic as DIDDY clubs". Again, though, the actual piece tells a different story. He bases his argument on a 'Manchester United supporting friend' saying:

“The thing is, the way you see Falkirk and Hamilton, that’s the way United see you. A diddy team. Where’s the glamour for us?”   

Read that again. "A diddy TEAM", singular; no mention of Celtic or imaginary 'Old Firms'. In other words, the 'friend' was only reinforcing what most of us already know; Sevco is a diddy team. They'd be even more of a diddy team in a different league, where the funny-handshake brigade wouldn't be there to bale them out in every match. The other delusion in this tale is that a Hun would actually have a friend!

Probably the most bizarre Sevco story is the one where 'Scoring Sensation' James Tavernier claims 'legend' John Greig as his inspiration. I was quite baffled at this; how does a free-kick taker get inspiration from a guy that was basically a thug? The article gives a couple of clues. Tavernier talks of having a "little bit of banter with John Greig" and finding "ways to win games." He adds, "We don’t always have to play really good football to get there." That explains it, then. Greig has obviously taken Tavernier to join a certain establishment, where he's had the opportunity of meeting apron-clad match officials. That's what he means by "ways to win games"!

Away from football, I was shocked on Friday to see Ian Hislop, on Have I Got News For You, passionately supporting David Cameron, Boss Hog, in the 'Piggate' scandal. Attack the man for his politics, not for being in a society at Oxford, he ranted. He was so angry and confrontational about it that one wonders where his own private (jap's) eye has been. Coincidentally,  Hislop attended a fee-paying boarding school, where he was Head Boy (make of that what you will) and 'Wet the Biscuit' champion for three consecutive years. He then attended Oxford, although he is remarkably cagey about which clubs he was a member of. I wonder why.

Finally, I'm registered with Facebook but I hardly ever use it. I just look at what other folk have written and make the odd comment now and again. Some people tell you everything they're doing, usually followed by 'lol' or even 'lololol', whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. You know the kind of thing: 'Just eating dinner...lol', 'Watching Strictly...lololol' 'Away for a shite...lololololololol'. As if that isn't bad enough, there's a new craze going on. This involves uploading a picture of some poor bugger with cancer, or a baby born prematurely etc. etc. with the command, "Don't scroll past without saying 'Amen'." You're also accused of being 'heartless' if you don't type 'Amen'. Hopefully, this kind of thing doesn't spread to Twitter or, God help us, blogs.

DEID

Don't scroll past without typing 'Amen'.

IMRANS, PLANS AND KU KLUX KLANS

That's twice in a row now that Celtic have thrown away two points and it's not good enough. Efe Ambrose seems to be taking all the stick but, really, it's the tactics that are at fault. Why the hell does Deila keep sticking to this zonal marking shite? It didn't work under Gordon Strachan and it certainly doesn't appear to be working now. Get it sorted. It's football your players are meant to be playing; not netball!

Meanwhile, the Daily Record tells us about the "single most dysfunctional boardroom in the history of the Scottish game." That's them doing their History Channel bit again. They're on about stuff that happened two years ago, banging on about how this stuff is relevant to the current court case. It's difficult to see how. A phone call with Ahmad offering Malcolm Murray the chance to fall on his sword is hardly evidence of corruption and fraud, is it? There must be some point to resurrecting this story and it's there, tucked away in the middle of the article, where Jackson says, "But it was another man, Imran Ahmad, who appears to have been calling the shots." Now that looks vaguely familiar. It's a theme that Leggat kept banging on about before he decided to call it a day; that it was really Imran Ahmad that was in charge and Green was just a front. As everyone said at the time, this spiel didn't seem to be coming from the bottom of Leggat's Scotsmac bottle, but from the eponymous protagonist of this blog.

If you look at everything that's happened at Ibrox since the days of Craig Whyte there's been one constant in the whole sorry story; and I don't mean Sooperally. I'm talking of one James Sexton Traynor Esq. Jabba went out of his way to do Whyte's bidding, even sending articles for his approval before publishing. He then ranted and raved about 'Rangers' under Green being hard-done by and how they were being attacked by all and sundry. His next step was to storm off from the Record in a massive huff, only to resurface as the media chief for Chateau Charlie. His 'work' at Ibrox mainly consisted of toothless threats to the press and railing against everybody in Scottish football. Next he left Ibrox and then reappeared as the PR man for the 'Real Rangers Men'. It would be interesting to see him up in court to find out what part he's played in everything that's gone on.

This regurgitation of the Ahmad story obviously comes from the devious mind of Jabba; so what's he up to this time? Well, the media have spent the last week building up the image of Ahmad being 'on the run', as if he's done a Max Branning. The truth is that he refuses to come to Scotland because he knows he won't get a fair trial. So why is Jabba putting in the time and effort to make sure that Ahmad is uppermost in everyone's mind as the villain of the piece? Obviously there's something behind it and I think that some kind of deal has been struck. Charlie Boy has a cast-iron contract with Sevco that means they'll have to pay all his legal fees; something that Honest Dave and his cronies can ill afford. But what about a wee consolation prize? Since Ahmad isn't here to defend himself why doesn't Level 5, and, by extension, the whole Scottish media, pin the blame for everything that happened onto him? I could be wrong but I can't see any other reason for the DR to publish this two-year-old story. I think Ahmad is going to be the fall guy for everything.

Dermot Desmond is taking a lot of flack, and rightly so, for his bringing up that hoary, old chestnut of Celtic moving to the English Premiership. I don't know why this subject keeps cropping up every now and again because it's not going to happen. Which team in the English top tier is going to give up its place for Celtic? And making the Premiership bigger isn't going to solve the problem either; there are plenty of teams in the Championship that would claim that they have more right than Celtic to an extra place. It's a bit like 2012, when our football authorities tried to shoehorn Sevco into the SPL. If Desmond wants Celtic to move to England then they'll have to start at the very bottom. Would Desmond be willing to forgo years of European money to achieve his aim? The only chance of Celtic moving out of Scotland and straight into a top league is for Desmond himself to start up some kind of North Atlantic League. That, however, would involve him having to put his hand in his pocket; something that Dermot seems allergic to doing.

As for Sevco moving to England, that's a complete fantasy. How many times have Ibrox teams been invited down south to take part in testimonial or charity matches? Exactly. English football couldn't have made it any plainer that they don't want The Peeppul turning up at its grounds. England has enough trouble with its own racists without encouraging thousands more to descend. Warburton, of course, thinks the move is 'inevitable' just like Desmond, but he doesn't expand on it; he probably realises it's a load of shite. Ladbrokes have now offered odds of 500-1 on Sevco winning the English Premiership in the next five years. That means nothing, though, other than a blatant attempt to part gullible Huns from their weans' child support money.

I think I've mentioned before that we watch telly through the PlayStation 3, BBC iPlayer and the like, which means we don't have to pay a licence. I was flicking through last night when I came across a documentary about the Ku Klux Klan. I decided to watch and was amazed at how familiar it all was. As well as using phrases like 'niggers' and 'jungle bunnies' the Klan members were concerned that their 'whole way of life' was under threat. Words like 'culture' and 'tradition' were thrown around, which these clowns claimed were being eroded bit by bit. They even went on marches to protest about their flag being taken down. Blacks and Jews had taken over the Federal Government and even those of the different states, with the avowed aim of doing away with the rights of the 'white man'.

People watching this in England would be shaking their heads in disbelief. We here in Scotland, however, recognise these types only too well.

Finally, I see that Pakistan is going to go on red alert. They're expecting a terrorist onslaught and the police and armed forces are already searching every parcel that arrives in the Karachi sorting offices. The whole of Pakistan's largest city will be living in constant fear now that the Daily Record has done its bit by The Peeppul and printed the full address of Imran Ahmad's mother.

"My fellow Americans. There is a new threat to peace in the Middle East. This threat, however, does not come from ISIS, Al Qaeda or Assad. This threat comes from outwith the Asian continent. It's those fucking Huns at it again!"