IT'S PARTY TIME!

"I don’t want to come across as a sore loser but there are some shocking decisions there." He then went on to say that the penalty decision "changed the game".

No, this wasn't Alan Stubbs complaining about the match at Ibrox, or some benighted Hibs supporter bemoaning the performance of Sevco fan Bobby Madden. It was, in fact, the great 'Warbs' greeting about being beaten by Falkirk just over a week ago. Of course, the agnivores agreed with every word but, strangely, they're not interested in game-changing decisions in the aftermath of Sevco's latest match. A blatant penalty not given is just as much of a game changer as a penalty given for nothing. Just imagine if Hibs had scored from their deserved penalty; 2-0 up and Sevco in disarray. Where's 'Warbs' and his calls for fairness now?

And that wasn't the only occasion where a Hibs player was brought down in the box. Twice more Jason Cummings was either thrown to the ground from behind or tripped. Madden, of course, wasn't interested. Many are saying how well Sevco played and that they deserved their victory but I'm afraid I can't be that magnanimous. Even Alan Stubbs has said that the referee was lenient to both sides. Not when it really mattered, though. As well as ignoring penalty shouts, Madden also seemed rather fond of calling Hibs back to take free kicks when it would have been more advantageous to let them play on. So I'm not convinced that Sevco deserved their win at all.
 
Ah, but Madden sent off Andy Halliday, didn't he? But then, what else was he going to do? While our media condemn Fraser Fyvie for play-acting, they all seem to forget other occasions when this kind of thing happened. Yes, everybody condemned Lafferty that time but they were remarkably quiet when Lovenkrands did the same thing. The difference was that Alan Thompson was stupid enough to put his head near Lovenkrands's face. Halliday did the same thing, as well as giving Fyvie a kick, so he's got nothing to complain about! I don't know if an appeal will be put in. 'Warbs' won't be around to do it as he's off to the Middle East to sort out all the problems there.

It's nearly Hogmanay, when folk dutifully watch 'Only An Excuse' in the desperate, vain attempt to find a joke. Those not sad enough to be in such a position will probably be having a party. I remember when I was wee all the relatives used to sit in a circle singing songs; something that I've never encountered since. I think that sort of party died out in the 1970s. I'm sure Keith Jackson is younger than me, so he must be regurgitating his parents' memories when he talks of 'party tunes'. God knows what kind of parties Jackson Senior attended but the phrase 'party tunes' conjures up specific songs in my memory. I watched the Sevco match and not once did I hear anyone singing 'Ten Guitars' or 'Little Ol' Wine Drinker, Me'. Their songs were much worse than that!

Almost immediately, The Peeppul were on Twitter etc. saying that they were singing, 'up tae wur knees in big trophees'. Aye, 'big trophees' sounds exactly like 'Fenian blood', right enough! And I suppose they were all singing that Alan Stubbs was a 'sad, big tro- bastard'. God, almighty, they really must think everybody's head buttons up the back. Then again, the fuckwits in charge of football in Scotland don't have much in the way of brains, or spines.

Now the Rangers (sic) Supporters Trust is claiming that a memo was sent round telling The Peeppul to sing 'up tae wur knees in EBTs' to 'trap' a 'hostile press' into spouting stuff about sectarian singing. I mean...fur fuck's sake; that is desperate! I notice that no copy of said memo has been produced to back this story up; so we're supposed to take their word for it. The reference to EBTs was meant to be a bit of self-deprecating mockery, which, of course, proves categorically that it's a complete lie. It's well known that Huns have no sense of humour, especially when it comes to themselves. Also, if they were seeking a reaction from the media, then they failed spectacularly since, as usual, our media have practically ignored the vile singing. So, according to this shite, Stubbs was being called a 'sad, ee-bee bastard'!

Anyway, as we all know, nothing at all will be done. After all, Celtic supporters were guilty of sectarian singing at Tynecastle, weren't they? Weren't they? Well...no, they weren't. All I heard was the Soldier Song, which the Hearts supporters roundly booed. Oh, wait, Uncle Shug Keevins made a pronouncement that other countries' national anthems should not be sung at football grounds. He must have been spitting blood a couple of months ago when all those England fans tried to sing La Marseillaise at Wembley!

The SPFL panjandrums have said that they won't be taking any action until they get the match delegate's report. We've heard that one before! And what action would they take anyway? None. We'll get all the 'club working to stamp out bigotry' crap and things will just go on as before. Meanwhile, the police just stand and watch; maybe because their off-duty mates are in the crowd, leading the singing! You'd think everybody would be embarrassed at this kind of thing happening in the 21st Century; apparently not.

THE MATCH DELEGATE AT IBROX

"Singin'? Ah cannae hear any singin'! Oh, wait a minute, Ah kin hear it noo. Ah like that wan. Come oan an' dance, dance, dance tae ma ten guitars..."

 

HARK, THE HERALD, THE RECORD AND THE EVENING TIMES SING.

Season's Cheatings!

Hope you're having a good Christmas and that you and yours are keeping well. Since it's the season of goodwill to all men, peace on earth and the birthday of Our Lord, I thought I'd be nice to everyone for once. Nah - fuck it! Behind Door 25 is the whole of Scottish football and everyone connected with it. For many, many years Scottish football has been a cesspit of bigotry and corruption; and, even in the 21st Century, it shows no signs of changing.

Celtic supporters have been called paranoid for as long as I can remember, and for long before I was born as well. Decisions evened themselves out over a season, nobody had it in for Celtic and there was no great hatred for Celtic FC and its supporters. This was shown up for the lie it was when Jim Farry, and the sleekit Sandy Bryson, deliberately delayed the registration of Jorge Cadete to help Rangers. Then there was the furore in 2008 when tactics were reversed and Celtic were getting decisions early in the season instead of at the end when it no longer mattered. Our Fourth Estate practically forced the SFA to pull its match officials into line and apologise to Mr Dignity and the others that had been complaining. No mention of things evening themselves out over the season then!

For nearly a century, one club in Scotland was allowed to follow a sectarian signing policy. Catholics were persona non grata at Ibrox and nobody, either in our football authorities or in our media, thought anything of it. Anti-discrimination laws came thick and fast in the 1960s and 1970s but, in Scotland, nothing at all was said about this filthy, bigoted policy. Anybody that dared to mention it was shouted down. Andy Cameron once brought the subject up at an early 1980s AGM and was almost physically attacked for his trouble. He had to be bundled out the door for his own safety.

In 1994 Celtic nearly went under, while everyone stood and watched. That was life; no business, including a football club, was too big to die. Rangers sent wreaths, while the Daily Record booked a hearse to sit outside Celtic Park for a front-page photo. It was a different story in 2012. Suddenly Scottish football couldn't live without the Old Firm. There would be no competition and the whole thing would be a boring waste of time. Everything had to be done to try to save Rangers; our media and politicians were all in agreement. But, then, what could they do when The Peeppul weren't prepared to step up? Even after Rangers died they were still at it; Green's new club was welcomed with open arms as our football authorities and media desperately helped to promulgate the Big Lie. I wonder if they'd have gone as far as that if Celtic had died!

Then there's the pack of thugs that have followed Rangers down the years, rampaging through Scotland, disgracing the nation with pitch invasions, defacing and even vandalising whole towns and cities throughout Europe. Meanwhile they sing their filthy songs of sectarian and racist bigotry. What do our football authorities do about it? Not a thing. Our media's reaction is even worse. Never has any word of criticism been levelled at The Peeppul without dragging Celtic into it. It's always been the 'Old Firm' at fault, with the old myth that 'each side is as bad as the other'. It's not even a question of sides; Celtic has nothing to do with it. It's never been an 'Old Firm' problem; it was a Rangers problem and now it's a Sevco one.

Another part of this 'Old Firm' myth is that Rangers, especially under Murray, did their best to stamp out the sectarian singing and chanting. This, of course, is absolute pish! Just listen to the 'Rangers' songs that still blare out from the PA at Ibrox. There's 'Follow, Follow', which contains the line, 'If we go to Dublin, we will follow on,' effectively saying that Dublin is the last place on earth that anyone would want to go to. Then we have, 'There's Not a Team...', where 'Celtic have their troubles', whatever that's supposed to mean. In fact, there's not one 'Rangers' song that doesn't mention Celtic, Catholics or Ireland. Far from banning such ditties, Rangers, and now Sevco, positively encourage them with their pathetic 'official' songs.

And just look at the way our authorities and our media treat Celtic and Sevco differently. It was only recently that we were encouraged to feel sorry for Kirk Broadfoot, who had been handed a ten-match ban by the English FA for making sectarian remarks to James McClean on the pitch. Even though there were witnesses to his vile comments, our media made it seem as if Broadfoot was the victim, worried about how his reputation had been tarnished. Contrast that with Aleksandar Tonev getting a seven-match ban for racist remarks that nobody else heard. His appeal was denied by the SFA, who preferred to take the other player's word, while our media seemed to think that justice had been served.

Warburton, meanwhile, has never won anything in a football career that's not much older than Sevco. Getting his team to the final of the Petrofac Cup has been his crowning achievement so far. In the league, he's thrown away a massive lead to be now only in front through goal difference. And yet, our media still talks of him as if he were the best thing since...well...sliced bread! Ronny Deila, on the other hand, won a double in his first season at Celtic and would have won a treble if it hadn't been for cheating match officials. Deila, however, is constantly portrayed as a failure, just because his European results haven't been that great. Then again, neither were Walter Smith's or Dick Advocaat's. As for Sooperally, the least said the better. No criticism against any of these characters was ever as intense and ongoing as that against Deila.

One final point. The Peeppul, and their friends in the media, love to point out that Celtic has been 'downsizing' over the past few years. Celtic supporters as well get caught up in this, blaming Peter Lawwell for the lack of success in Europe. The truth is, though, that Celtic, along with the rest of Scottish football, is going through a transitional period. After the overspending that every team had to do in order to keep up with Rangers (while Murray spent other people's money) Scottish football is now learning to live within its means. The sheer incompetence, as well as the Sevco-centrism, of our football authorities has led to there being less means for Scottish football to live on. It's going to be a while before any Scottish team is able to make a dent in Europe again.

One club, however, has not learned from the mistakes of its predecessor and is living beyond its means. No prizes for guessing which club this is. Our media, as usual, say nothing on this matter, too busy having a go at Celtic and Ronny Deila. As for our football authorities, they're perfectly happy to let a convicted criminal overspend while relying on loans. Sounds ominously familiar. To paraphrase a well-known saying, the SFA and SPFL are government of The Peeppul, by The Peeppul, for The Peeppul. Same as it ever was.

There are countless other examples of the bias evident in Scottish football but I don't want to be a complete Scrooge bastard and ruin everybody's Christmas dinner! So let's raise a glass and hope for peace on earth, happiness for all and a new spine for Scottish football.

Merry Christmas!

"God bless us, every Hun!"

THE BIGGEST CHEAT

Season's Cheatings!

Our penultimate cheating bastard is the big one, il capo di tutti capi, the man that almost singlehandedly destroyed Scottish football. Presenting David Edward Murray, Scotland's leading agnifer.

Murray is one of those 'entrepreneurs' that we're all told we should venerate and emulate. Like most of the self-made millionaires we hear about, however, Murray had a good start in life. Even when his old man ended up in the chokey for fraud (tax, ironically enough) Murray was still able to make a start in his uncle's business. Eventually he had built up a business of his own and was worth millions, if not billions; at least, that's what we were told.

As it turns out, Murray's empire was built on sand, and wet sand at that. His fortune was all on paper and he relied on the old school tie to get him unlimited credit with Gavin Masterton at the Bank of Scotland. Even his purchase of Rangers was done with somebody else's money. As he promised The Peeppul world domination he had to spend more and more money; money that he didn't have. Juggling the books didn't quite cut it and The Peeppul themselves failed miserably to take him up on his share issue, meaning more money having to come from MIH, which could ill afford it. Still he put himself under pressure, promising to spend a tenner for every fiver Celtic spent. With money getting tight but the expectations of The Peeppul built sky-high, Murray had to find other means of signing big players. And so he introduced DOS and then EBTs.

Nobody ever questioned Murray's spending; The Peeppul, the football authorities and the media swallowed whole every tale he spun. There was the famous, phantom casino, interplanetary leagues, multi-dimensional pitches etc. etc. Anything he said, no matter how outlandish, was regurgitated in the media as gospel truth; Murray could do no wrong.

And then it was discovered that the whole thing was a fraud. The whole of MIH owed millions upon millions to the tax man, the bank and a multitude of other creditors. Rangers was part of this empire and the same thing applied there. Again, though, nobody can bring themselves to blame Murray. Administration and liquidation was all the fault of Craig Whyte, who merely continued with the tax-dodging exploits of his predecessor. Even HMRC has come in for criticism for hounding Murray over the EBT scheme, while Lloyds-TSB had a bloody nerve wanting their money back. All the Murray years of success were paid for with other people's money, including the taxpayer but you won't hear about that in our media.

While many folk lost their jobs, creditors were stiffed and the taxpayer, who mostly owns Lloyds Bank, has had to pick up the tab for Murray's failure, the man himself hasn't been affected at all. He's got other businesses running and still lives the life of Reilly. Again, though, there has been no criticism levelled at him in our media. Mike Ashley is rightly castigated for his treatment of his employees, but nobody points the finger at Murray for ruining the lives of many. All they can see is that Rangers dominated Scottish football under his ownership and that's all that matters. Meanwhile, Craig Whyte, Charles Green and others are all up in the dock facing charges of fraud. And, yet, Murray was the one that handed Rangers over to Whyte, even though he was well aware of what kind of man he was dealing with. Shouldn't he be up before the judge as well?

Now that HMRC has won its case, pending the unlikely success of any appeal, it's safe to say that Murray's winning years at Rangers were the result of fraud. Even if HMRC are ultimately unsuccessful there's still the little matter of the side letters. Murray set out to defraud the rest of Scottish football and has got away with it. Our craven, biased football authorities are reluctant to do anything, while our media is still trying to sell us the story that Murray was an innocent 'doop'. The worst of it is that there's nothing to stop Murray buying into another football club, even Sevco. In English football he'd probably be banned from being involved in football for life, but nobody in Scotland is making the slightest move.

As well as being banned from football, Murray should be barred from being involved in any business at all. He defrauded HMRC, defrauded creditors and left a convoluted mess for the bank to clear up. He's been the biggest cheat in the history of Scottish football and it's time this truth came out in our media. Get him banned! Oh, and get all those tainted titles and trophies he won stripped from the record books. I don't just mean the ones during the EBT years. Let's have a proper enquiry into all his dealings at Rangers since he first bought them over with somebody else's money. I've no doubt that his cheating goes much deeper than the EBT scheme and that there are other titles and trophies to be stripped as well. I won't hold my breath, though. It seems that it's still the case that Murray can do no wrong.

"Now, let's just hold on a minute here. Fraud? How dare you! I'd take you to court and sue the arse off you if it wasn't for the fact that the truth might come out!"

CRIMINAL PRACTICES

Season's Cheatings!

Behind Doors 21 and 22 we had the two cheeks of the arse that is running Scottish football. The job of arse cheeks is to support and protect an arsehole, and these two cheeks are no different. This particular arsehole had a serious accident when he was wee. He took the admonition to look both ways when crossing the road literally and then the wind changed. As everybody's mammy has told them, if the wind changes, then whatever you're doing with your face at the time, you're doomed to stay like that. Presenting David Cunningham King, a man so mired in criminality even his eyes are crooked.

If you read 'Clash of the Agnivores' and agreed with me, then it was inevitable that King, or somebody like him, would eventually take over at Ibrox. The Big Lie insisted that Sevco was 'stull Raynjurz'. It could be quite difficult to maintain this delusion while there were nothing but complete strangers in the Blue Room; that was why The Peeppul were so desperate to get 'Real Raynjurz Men' back at the top of the marble staircase. The agnivores in the media were desperate for this to happen as well; they missed the good old days of press handouts and succulent lamb. Green expected the media to fall into line as his right, while Sandy Easdale and Mike Ashley were notoriously litigious and dealt with the media that way. So when King and his band of bandits came in there were jubilant noises from all our sports media.

Since King is nothing more than a thief, a crook and a convicted felon, a new lie had to be made up. Rather than King being convicted on multiple counts and given the option of paying up, including a fine, or going into the slammer, the story in our media was that he 'came to an agreement' with the South African Revenue Service. They had got so used to lying about the new club that it had become second nature to them now, and they could lie through their teeth without any shame whatsoever. There were no stories this time about 'wealth off the radar' but not far off it. Apparently, King had millions to plough in.

Since The Peeppul and the whole Scottish media had made their mind up already, the SFA was hardly going to turn him down for not being fit and proper. In fact, there is no 'fit and proper' test; the SFA just take a club's word for it. They had done this with Craig Whyte and now they were doing it with King. It surely, however, hadn't escaped their notice that The Peeppul actually blame them for Craig Whyte? They're playing a dangerous game; they'll get blamed again when everything goes tits-up once more. But they're a pragmatic bunch and they were obviously too scared to take a stand against King and face the wrath of the media and The Peeppul. There's also the little matter that they're as much on the side of Sevco and the Big Lie as The Peeppul and the media.

And so, nobody questions King, even though he's been continually proven to be a liar since he took over. He was going to put £40m in, then it was £30m and then it was an unspecified sum. He said that Warburton could ask for any player he wanted and he'd get him. Now Paul Murray is saying that they're going to have to 'caw canny' in the January window. And, as yet, there's no sign of King putting a penny into Sevco. There's even a story that somebody else paid for his Sevco shares and that he's just a front. Not that you'd hear about any of this in the Scottish media.

And not only is King a crook, he was also on the board of Rangers, which, ordinarily, should disqualify him from sitting on the phoenix board. But this is Scottish football we're talking about so the law is treated as casually as the rulebook when it comes to an Ibrox team. Another fact about previous directors being on the board of a phoenix company is the possibility of creditors of the old company taking the new company to court to recover their money; effectively, if it's the same directors, then it's the same company. This is to stop companies from defrauding creditors and then carrying on under a new, but almost identical, name; something that Sevco has tried to do. Again, this being Scottish football, nobody has dared to demand their cash. The Sons of Struth have already demonstrated how they deal with those that don't agree with their hero-worship of King, attacking folk at Ibrox, including a pensioner. Nobody in the media has bothered to point out this particular facet of company law, even though they've constantly insisted that it's the same club. But King is a 'Real Raynjurz Man' and untouchable.

Nobody is questioning, either, the fact that Sevco is running on fumes. There is no money at all and, as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain always says, they don't have a credit line with a bank. Even if any bank had thought about extending overdraft facilities, they certainly wouldn't now with a convicted crook in charge. So the club is running on loans that can be extracted from the so-called Three Bears. King, of course, keeps his hand well away from his own pocket. In any other business this would be called insolvency but, as I keep saying, this is Scottish football and Sevco and King must be protected and supported at all costs.

Part of the New Lie in support of King says that he tried to approach Ashley in a spirit of conciliation but Ashley reacted with belligerence. Keith Jackson, especially, spouts this pish frequently. The truth is that King and his gang of thugs constantly tried to paint Ashley as a crook (ignoring the irony) and the agnivores in the media went along with it. Ashley was, and is, portrayed as a pantomime villain with never a good word said about him. King, on the other hand, is praised as the saviour, the man that came in and chased all the crooks and rogues out of Ibrox, like Jesus in the Temple.

So now King is sitting pretty over in South Africa. He turns up now and again to receive the praise and Hosannas of the Scottish media, while nobody questions his motives or when he's actually going to stump up that cash he used to talk about. Sevco continues to limp through the season, struggling to pay the bills, while nobody at all sees anything wrong. It's like the last days of Rangers all over again. Our Fourth Estate is perfectly happy to remind everyone that the Easdales and Ashley never put any money into Sevco; all they did was provide interest-free loans. And, yet, King is doing the exact same thing, except none of the money is his, but for some, weird reason our media seem to believe that he has saved the club. I wonder what story they'll come up with when Sevco goes into administration.

"Hey, you! Yes, you! I know I'm not looking at you but I'm talking to you! Remember you can download Kindle copies of Pat Anderson's books at any time. You might even be able to get a paperback in time for Christmas with next-day delivery. Every book's a classic and I guarantee you'll enjoy them - and you know you can trust me!"



 

THE OTHER CHEEK

Season's Cheatings!

Yesterday we had one cheek and today we have the other cheek of the arse that is Scottish football administration. Behind Door 22 is Yin to Doncaster's Yang, Pinky to his Perky, Bill to his Ben. Presenting the Chief Executive of the SFA, Stewart Regan.

Regan came to the SFA from Yorkshire County Cricket Club but he also has a background in football, having worked for the English Football League, promoting the Championship. Doncaster was then the Chief Executive of Norwich City, so the pair of them have known each other for quite a while. Not surprisingly, they both spout the same stuff about looking to the future, forgetting about the past etc. etc. That was in the beginning. Like Doncaster, however, it didn't take Regan long to discover, and immerse himself in, what Scottish football is really all about.

When it came to going along with the Scottish-football-needs-Rangers myth, Regan brought his own, peculiar arrogance into the mix. He was at the forefront of the efforts to get Green's new club put straight into the First Division and seemed to think the rest of the SFL was just going to go along with it. He sent an infamous e-mail to Rod Petrie, in which his main concern seemed to be keeping Charlie Boy sweet. There were to be secret meetings with Charlie to keep him up to speed with developments and Regan appeared to see the only stumbling block being Green's willingness to accept a few sanctions. The rest of the SFL was to be left in the dark, expected to just go along with whatever deal was reached with Sevco. To add insult to injury, the e-mail was sent en route to the airport; Regan was buggering off on holiday.

Of course, the SFL clubs were having none of it and Sevco was lucky to be allowed into Division 3. Even then Regan's arrogance knew no bounds. The Vanguard Bears, that bastion of fairness and integrity, were up in arms when it was discovered that Regan left the discussions about the 'Five-Way Agreement' to attend a dinner engagement. (http://www.vanguardbears.co.uk/stewart-regans-succulent-lamb.html). Regan signed the agreement before leaving, apparently, even though there was no agreement reached yet. Effectively, he just signed a blank paper. The VBs, in their usual, paranoid fashion, see this as showing that he cared nothing for 'Rangers'. But, then, their article is full of inaccuracies, such as the 'Five-Way Agreement' being some kind of punishment for using EBTs, when it was nothing of the sort. In reality, Regan was just displaying his usual arrogance in expecting any decision to just go along with what he wanted. His main concern was getting Sevco to agree and he could be sure that the others at the meeting felt the same. He was right. They bent over backwards to suit Sevco and the fact that the agreement is still a closely-guarded secret shows how abject and craven it was.

Regan outdid everyone when it came to prophecies of 'Armageddon'. Huge pressure was brought to bear on the SFL clubs to shoehorn Sevco straight into Division 1. If this didn't happen, then other clubs would go to the wall and Scottish football would be finished. Regan came out with the breathtaking statement that "We can’t punish 41 clubs for the mismanagement of one." This, of course, was looking at Scottish football from a purely financial standpoint. As it turned out, Regan was wrong about financial meltdown, but the message he was giving out was clear: football in Scotland wasn't a sport, it was purely a business. Sporting rules were to be thrown out the window for the sake of financial considerations. Then again, this might well have been just a cover story for trying to help Sevco.

And, according to Regan, Sevco certainly needed to be treated as a special case. He said:

"They (Sevco) have a huge fan base and to contemplate the situation where those fans don’t have a team to support or a game to follow could lead to all sorts of problems for the game."

And not only just for the game:

"Fans are probably not au fait with the implications of Rangers in Division Three: we have a duty to share the facts because without Rangers, there is social unrest, there is a big problem for Scottish society. There has to be an understanding of how serious this is."

So, essentially, what he was saying is that The Peeppul would run riot in the streets if they didn't get things their own way. We had already seen how they could act in 2010 over a television screen breaking down, so how would they react to their new club not getting into the First Division? This was a disgraceful ploy by Regan. Basically, he was threatening Scottish football with violent repercussions if it didn't bend over backwards to accommodate Sevco. The implication was that The Peeppul would not be blamed for any violent actions; it would be the fault of the clubs in the SFL for not fast-tracking Sevco into the First Division. Despite this shameful strategy, the SFL clubs acted with integrity and treated Regan's demands in the way they deserved.

We all know that Regan and Doncaster's projected Armageddon never even came close to happening. The top tier of Scottish football has done well enough without a Rangers or a Sevco there to sully it. And yet, the bending over backwards to please Sevco still goes on. Regan is all for league reconstruction; part of his 'forward-looking' strategy, apparently. He's also a two-faced shit when it comes to Sevco. At the end of August there was a criticism of referees by some managers. Regan came out immediately to condemn these 'attacks'. Last Saturday Mark Warburton was incensed at his team being beaten by Falkirk and directed his ire at the referee. Strangely, Stewart Regan has had nothing at all to say about this. It seems that 'attacks' on referees are fine when certain Peeppul are involved. No doubt he's already invited 'Warbs' to Hampden to apologise on behalf of the SFA!

"There's still time to get one of Pat Anderson's books in time for Christmas and we're only talking a teensy bit of money here. If you don't get one of his books, then many authors are going to go to the wall. There's going to be a literary Armageddon. And it'll be your fault!"

JEREMIAH

Congratulations to Andy Murray for winning SPOTY. I'm not a big fan but I don't wish the guy any harm, so best of luck to him. As soon as the decision was announced, there was a flood of filthy, abusive, racist posts on Twitter. I can't help but notice that the Daily Record has nothing to say about this. On the other hand, when the vile Michelle Mone was abused on Twitter it was presented as the crime of the century. It seems that abuse is only abuse, racist or otherwise, if it comes from a so-called 'Cybernat'. Meanwhile, it appears the Daily Record is far more concerned with trying to smear Neil Lennon.

Season's Cheatings!

Today's incorrigible scoundrel has been one of the top men in Scottish football since 2009, meaning that he's been involved in all the shenanigans that the death of Rangers engendered. He was instrumental in trying to get Sevco into the SPL and then tried to bully the SFL into putting them straight into Division 1. You all know already who I'm talking about, It's Neil Doncaster, Chief Executive of the SPFL.

When the SPL clubs voted not to let Sevco walk straight into the top tier, pretend they were Rangers and then carry on as if nothing had happened, it has to be said that Doncaster was not best pleased. His hands were tied, since he is the employee of the collective clubs, but he took on the role of a Jeremiah, preaching Armageddon and the death of Scottish football. The agnivores in the media jumped on this gleefully; they were already upset at the situation, but here was one of the top men in Scottish football on the same page as they were. It was as if the whole of Scottish football had been dependent upon Rangers and it would die a death if there was no Rangers there. As Jabba kept saying, "Scottish football will survive without Rangers, but it won't thrive without Rangers." Doncaster was of the same opinion and was almost in tears when Sevco ended up in Division 3.

Strangely, while he was spouting about apocalyptic scenarios not once did Doncaster consider leaving his job. Anyone with a modicum of integrity would have walked if they honestly believed that everything was crumbling around him; not Doncaster, though. And then, when there was a shake-up and the SPL and SFL amalgamated to become the SPFL, Doncaster was still hanging about. In fact, he was first in line to apply for the post of Chief Executive of this new entity. And yet, he was still banging on about how Scottish football was doomed. If things were that bad then why the hell was he so desperate to take the job?

For two years the Scottish leagues were without a sponsor. The Clydesdale Bank and Irn Bru deals ended in 2013 and nobody else was interested. This was hardly surprising since Doncaster was doing his best to make sure that he was selling an unattractive product. Who wants to sponsor a competition that nobody is going to see? This is what Doncaster was promoting: a league competition that supporters were going to desert in their droves because there was no Rangers. Of course, this was all mother's milk to The Peeppul, who could still strut about in the arrogant delusion that Scottish football couldn't do without them. 'The Blue Pound' they called it and they honestly believed that they were in a position to dictate to Scottish football, since it needed The Peeppul's money to survive. This was all Doncaster's doing.

TV money as well was going to be a problem. You're hardly in a position to bargain when you've been trashing your own product publicly. We were told that no TV company was interested in Scottish football since there were no more Old Firm matches. More than that; TV companies weren't interested unless 'Rangers' was part of the package. And so we had the embarrassment of television coverage coming from grounds that held a couple of hundred if they were lucky and had all the atmosphere of a bus shelter on a rainy day. Still, it was necessary, we were told; BT Sports wouldn't pay for Scottish football unless they could show 'Rangers' matches, we were told. And then the truth emerged.

It turned out that BT Sports, or anyone else for that matter, weren't in the least interested in Sevco. All TV companies are interested in is getting a product for the least outlay possible. And along comes Doncaster, with his sales pitch, "Nobody's going to be interested in Scottish football, since 'Rangers' are in the bottom tier. It's going to be less competitive, and it's something that nobody wants to see. Oh, and by the way, could you show some 'Rangers' games, gonny, eh? Gonny?" With such a pitch any TV company worth its salt is going to offer peanuts and then came the real kick in the guts: if Sevco matches were going to be shown, then the SPFL would actually have to pay money back. This was, ostensibly, to offset the costs of setting up for broadcasting from smaller grounds in the middle of nowhere. In reality, though, the BT Sports money men must have been laughing up their sleeves. They'd never dare approach the English League with such a proposal, but Doncaster had made Scottish football sound so bad that he was lucky to get anything.

So, Doncaster's main contribution since Rangers died has been to peddle the myth that Scottish football depends on an Ibrox team. He was actually prepared to hand money back to BT Sports from the trifling amount they were paying, just to make it look as if TV Companies weren't interested in Scottish football without 'Rangers'. This was the lie he continually peddled, that Scottish football was nothing without 'Rangers'. It's difficult to understand the motives behind this, unless, of course, we're willing to accept that our football authorities are only interested in the wellbeing of one, particular club. But that would just be paranoid, wouldn't it?

And now there's another idea being bandied about to 'improve' Scottish football; a bigger top tier. If such a thing was so wonderful, then why the hell was it changed in the 1970s? The calls have become more urgent now that Warburton has lost his 'magic hat' and Sevco appears to be struggling. Again, as The Peeppul are fond of saying, it's all about the 'Rangers'. One guy in the Herald has even come straight out and said that a bigger tier would be to accommodate Sevco; for the good of the Scottish game as a whole, of course. You can read all about it on The Clumpany's blog, as well as a humorous, but accurate, refutation of the whole, rancid idea.

Our hero, Neil Doncaster, has claimed that league reconstruction is not on the agenda and, at any rate, could not apply until 2017 at the earliest. The clubs don't want it, he says. He is, however, being rather disingenuous. We all know the Premiership clubs won't want it, but what about all the wee diddy teams, like...er...Sevco? Remember, the new set-up means that every club now has an equal say; even those wee minnows swimming about down the bottom. It's one-club, one-vote, now, regardless of how big or small that club is. The wee clubs would jump at the chance of a bigger top tier; the bigger the better as far as they're concerned. What wee club wouldn't want a couple of big pay days when Celtic comes to town, or, rather, village? The whole set-up of our leagues could be changed in a heartbeat; and probably will be if Sevco don't win promotion come May.

It makes you wonder if this was the real purpose behind the SPL and the SFL amalgamating. The SPL clubs would have thrown out such proposals immediately, but now they can easily be overwhelmed by the votes of the diddy teams. It's as if they were getting all the bases covered to make sure Sevco would be in the top tier sooner rather than later. Yes, it would be better if they could get there on merit, but Doncaster has continually touted the notion that Scottish football can't do without Sevco in the top tier, so they'll need to be put there by any means possible. The diddy teams will probably already be lined up to vote for a bigger Premiership, or whatever they'll call it next. Quite what Doncaster gets out of all this is hard to see. What is easy to see, however, is that he's a cheating bastard!

"Pat Anderson's books? Well, they're not that great, really. In fact, they're a load of shite. But please buy one! I'll buy you a Rangers book if you do."

A LOAD OF MEATBALLS.

Apologies for being late. I ended up sleeping at weird times.

Season's Cheatings!

Behind Door 20 is a man that lived in Jabba's shadow and, sadly for him, still does. When he's not spouting Level 5 pish, he's got his tongue up 'Warbs's' arse to get rid of the taste of mint sauce. Unbelievably, or, perhaps, predictably, this character gets prizes for being Scotland's top sports Journalist. It just goes to show how poor the standard is. Presenting Mr. Radar, Keith Jackson.

After telling everybody that Craig Whyte was a billionaire with 'wealth off the radar', Jackson finally got round to looking on the internet and discovered what the rest of us had known for months: he wasn't. He gathered together a story about Whyte using advance ticket money from Ticketus to pay off Rangers' debt with the Bank of Scotland and, effectively buying Rangers in the process. His great 'exclusive', however, had to wait a few months until Jabba found out if he was getting a job at Rangers. Finally the story was printed and Jackson has never tired of telling us since that he was the one that 'exposed' Whyte.

When it came to the Big Lie, Jackson fell into line along with his boss to tell the world that Rangers hadn't died at all, even though his paper had announced the club's death on its front page. When he went to Australia, however, to speak at a conference about money in sport, he had to tone things down a bit. The Australians, understandably, weren't taking any shite and were quite adamant that if a club is liquidated then anything that comes after is a new club. Jackson squirmed in his seat; if he spouted the Big Lie he would have been laughed at by the whole Antipodes, whereas if he told the truth The Peeppul would be up in arms when he got home. The best he could manage was to laugh nervously and say that it was a contentious issue. It was a desperate attempt to distance himself from the charade, even though he's always been right in the thick of it.

On Twitter, Jackson is forever denying that he's in thrall to Level 5, even though his articles in the Daily Record make it obvious that he is. He wrote what could have easily been construed as a negative article about Sevco and King, asking when Honest Dave was going to put his hand in his pocket. Cue King appearing a couple of day's later to tell The Peeppul that all was well, the club only needed £2.5 million to see out the season and that this cash was readily available. It was obvious, then, that Jackson's article was only a thinly-disguised introduction to King's explanation. It was like some Tory backbencher asking a question as an opening for Cameron to spout some propaganda.

If Jackson isn't getting some kind of kickbacks from Level 5 then he's obviously cheating himself. Since the 'Real Rangers Men' returned we've heard nothing except how the club has been turned around and is no longer the 'basket case' it used to be. Rather than tell the truth about King, Keith would have us believe that he 'reached a settlement' with the South African courts. Meanwhile, Warburton is the greatest manager to ever turn up in Scotland; every club in England is after him, even though the two he's been linked with so far have denied any interest whatsoever. Checking the facts, however, is an alien concept to Keith; if the bookies say that Chelsea are interested in 'Warbs' then, of course, it must be true. Anybody with any modicum of journalistic skill would be questioning why the bookies keep installing Warburton as favourite for any vacancies down south. I suspect Level 5 send somebody round to slap a few tenners on him as soon as a vacancy is announced; such suspicions, however, tend to fly below Jackson's radar.

You'd think that after Jackson building Craig Whyte up so much and then 'exclusively' denouncing him, The Peeppul wouldn't trust him any more. They're a strange lot, though, The Peeppul; all they want to read is that everything's okay at their club, even if it's not. And so, Keith plods along, telling them what they want to hear. What thanks does he get? None whatsoever. If you read the comments of The Peeppul on Jackson's articles you'd think he did nothing but slag Sevco off, tell the truth about King being a crook and tell them to face up to the fact that Warburton is not the fantastic manager they all thought he was. And, yet, Keith keeps sucking up to them. It's actually quite sad to witness. Hopefully Jabba is making it worth his while.

Keith is also one of those that was spouting the 'Armageddon' line, when Sevco weren't allowed straight into the top tier. He still believes it and you'll read nothing positive about Scottish football in any of his articles. He's constantly banging on about the need for 'changes' while being pretty vague about what these changes should be. Apparently things will only improve when we have a thirty-six team top tier with 'Rangers' 'back' in the mix.

So why have I singled out Jackson when there's the likes of Chris Jack spouting the same pish, if not worse? Well, there's nothing sadder than somebody sucking up to the ones that hate him. I always remember kids getting picked on at school and yet they would always try to sook in with the ones bullying them, rather than seeking new friends among those that would be willing to accept them. Jackson's the same. If you read any comments or blogs by The Peeppul, they hate Jackson with a vengeance, marking him down, unjustly, as a 'Raynjurz Hatur'. And yet he still toes the Level 5 party line! He's a firm believer in the Big Lie, is willing to compromise his integrity by writing hagiographic praise of a convicted criminal and is quite happy to see the whole of Scottish football restructured for the sole benefit of one club. He's basically prostituting himself and, yet, gets no thanks for it. Still, he'll get the odd pat on the head from his old mentor, so it's not all bad!

"So I said to this Pat Anderson character, I said, look, I can't go recommending your books when you're writing lies about Rangers. Besides, Mr. Traynor hasn't told me what I think of them yet!"

NEDDY BEAR

Season's Cheatings!

Mesdames et Messieurs, Damen und Herren, presenting Der Überned, the non-thinking ned's ned, the pride of Lodge Hamilton Kilwinning No. 7, Barry Ferguson MBE EBT.

When he wasn't getting pished, causing fights in hotel bars, throwing ice over folk or making obscene gestures to television cameras, Ferguson was a player, and sometime captain, at Rangers FC. Many folk, including my wife's nephews, seemed to think that he was a great player; both my brother-in-law and I couldn't see it. We both agreed that he was like the wee ned you used to get in the school team, who was there purely by dint of everybody being too scared to take the ball off him for fear of getting 'The Malky'. Even Ferguson's posture while playing, back and head perfectly straight, chest shoved out, was more suggestive of a Page 3 model rather than a footballer. As you may have gathered, I've never been a fan.

Where Ferguson did excel, though, was in the field of cheating, normally with the collusion of match officials. The handball incidents, the kicking, tripping, punching etc. that he got away with is unbelievable. I once even watched him push a referee so hard the man nearly fell on his arse. What punishment did he get? Bugger all, of course. On the rare couple of occasions when he was sent off he petulantly stuck his fingers up at the crowd and kicked any inanimate object that was close-by. All the times that he got away with things made him like a spoilt brat and he behaved like a big mammy's boy any time he was punished.

Of course, when it came to the EBT scheme, Barry was right in there. I doubt he can count higher than ten, so somebody must have explained to him, in simple language, that he could get more money by accepting one of these 'loans'. He was paid a grand total of two-and-a-half million quid through the scheme, making him one of the largest beneficiaries and certainly the biggest one among the players. No doubt he had a side contract as well, which, if they're ever made public, will stand out easily among the others. It'll be the only one signed with an X.

When his playing days were over, there was no way he could carve out a career in television or radio, like Sooperally, since nobody can understand what the hell he's saying, even those of us that come from the West of Scotland. He's got a regular column in the Daily Record, where some poor bastard had to go once a week and try to translate his neddish mutterings into some semblance of the English language and then type it up for the readers. Even then it's often unintelligible drivel.

Ferguson has been manager of Second Division club Clyde FC for well over a year now; not that you'd know it if you read his column. All he ever goes on about is 'Rangers', sometimes meaning his old club, sometimes meaning Sevco. (Barry's a huge supporter of the Big Lie and even devoted a whole column to why it was still the same club. Unfortunately, his arguments made as much sense as his column usually does.) He's set himself up as some kind of 'elder statesman', often comparing the Rangers of his day with the 'Rangers' of today. It's quite often not a complimentary comparison, but the odd statement makes its way into the rhetoric to let The Peeppul know that he agrees with them that 'Everybody's bad tae Raynjurz'.

For some strange, unknown reason, Ferguson was awarded an MBE in the Queen's Birthday Honours List in 2006. He was only 28 at the time and it beggars belief that it was for 'services to football'. Even Jim McLean was taken aback, saying, three years later:

"To this day I still don't know what on earth Ferguson did to earn that. He was too young anyway and I could also think of so many other people in football who were far more deserving of such an honour. There are countless who have achieved much greater things." (Daily Record 3-4-09)

To my mind, Ferguson was never a great player; certainly not as great as everyone made him out to be. He was a ned and a thug, who got away with behaviour that would never have been allowed by anyone else. As well as cheating constantly on the pitch, he was the recipient of a huge EBT 'loan', helping his club to cheat Scottish football off the pitch as well. He is a massive supporter of the Big Lie and is one of the 'move on' brigade. He is a ned and a cheating wee bastard. That, plus the fact that I've never liked him, more than justify his inclusion in this Festive Rogues Gallery.

A LOAN AGAIN, NATURALLY

Before getting to the main business, the big talking point at the moment is the current propaganda exercise to get the top league extended. Back in the 70s the huge Division 1 was changed because it was boring. The same teams yo-yoed up and down, relegated one year, promoted the next and the last weeks of the season saw games that were poorly-attended because they were often meaningless. A smaller top tier was introduced to make things more exciting; things were meant to be tighter at the top, since nobody was mounting up loads of points beating diddy teams, while there was every chance that your team might face relegation during a poor year now that the usual whipping boys had gone.

Why the hell would anyone think it would be a good idea to go back to the old, extended, top league? The only possible reason at the moment is to help out one particular team. They might say, "We need 'Rangers" AND Hibs in the top tier' but we all know exactly what they mean. The fear is that Sevco might not make it now that the hat seems to have lost its magic and Hibs are making more of a fight of things. Of course, they might be acting prematurely and it will be interesting to see if all these calls for an extended league disappear if Sevco manage to beat Hibs. Somehow, though, I think there must be more to it than that.

The sheer desperation of this obvious Level 5 exercise shows that there is something more for The Peeppul to worry about. I think there's a possible administration on the horizon. Whether Sevco is promoted or not, a points deduction would have a huge effect, even though they'd suddenly be a new club again so that it's a first insolvency event and the punishment not as onerous as it could be. A bigger top tier would provide a much-needed safety net for Sevco. I could be wrong, of course, but it's strange how all this is being suddenly touted now.

Season's Cheatings!

Today's pantomime villain was President of the SFA up until fairly recently, allowed to remain in that position even though he was seriously compromised. He had been in prominent positions at Rangers throughout the EBT Cheating Years and even benefited from the EBT scheme himself. His appointment and tenure of the post was what the phrase 'The lunatics have taken over the asylum' was invented for. Presenting Mr. Campbell Ogilvie EBT.

Ogilvie has stated on a few occasions that he wasn't responsible for administering EBTs, wasn't involved with players' contracts after the mid-90s and, of course, was unaware of any irregularities. He argues that he was more of a liaison between Rangers and the football authorities. Surely that makes his position even more suspect since he must have been aware of the deceit involving side contracts? He benefited from the EBT scheme himself. Did he have a side letter? Nobody, especially not in our media, has ever bothered to question him on this. The more you read about the people involved at Rangers during the Cheating Years, the more it's like Ken Russell's 'Tommy'; "You didn't see anything, you didn't hear anything, don't say anything!"

Ogilvie seems to think that because the EBT scheme was mentioned in Rangers' annual accounts then everything was above board. This is a point that The Peeppul and their friends in the media clutch at to somehow 'prove' that Rangers never cheated anyone. Let's take one of those annual reports at random; say, 2005, Ogilvie's last year at Rangers. And he's right, it shows up in the balance sheets; but that's it. There are no details other than a statement that:

 "The Rangers Employee Benefit Trust and Murray Group Management Ltd. Remuneration Trust were established to provide incentives to certain employees and other service providers. Payments to these Trusts are charged to the Group Profit and Loss Account in the year incurred."

Nothing at all said about the 'loans' being used as part of normal salary payments. In other words, the report lies about how the scheme was used and Ogilvie is full of shite.  

When the investigation into the use of EBTs at Rangers was announced, Ogilvie showed his honesty and integrity by removing himself from any involvement. What a saint, eh? Except, of course, that he should have been investigated himself! He had already admitted that he had benefited from the scheme and was at Rangers when it was set up and when it was running. The enquiry, as was obvious to everyone, was nothing more than a whitewash and Ogilvie's lack of concern at the time showed that he knew that at the time and even beforehand.

Remember the furore when Peter Lawwell was appointed to the SFA's board? We had The Peeppul up in arms and even our media questioned his impartiality, especially when it came time to look into whether Honest Dave was a fit and proper person. And yet, we were supposed to just accept that Ogilvie was the very model of integrity and propriety. In 2012 Ogilvie had something very interesting to say about his EBT in the Scotsman, "It’s a very technical issue but you have to repay the loans, yes. It’s over a period of time." Surely that should have set alarm bells ringing? If, as he claimed, the loan had to be repaid, then his impartiality was impaired since he was in hock to one of the clubs he was meant to be overseeing to the tune of £95,000. Again, though, nobody in our media thought to look into this or ask any questions of Ogilvie.

There are those out there in Bampot Land that believe the whole administration/liquidation/Sevco fiasco has been nothing but a massive scam, with David Murray sitting at the centre. It was the only way to shed all of Rangers' debts and, hopefully, continue as if nothing had happened. The way Ogilvie and the SFA have behaved tends to support this theory. Every crook, shyster and gangster passing through Ibrox has been declared 'fit and proper' with no questions asked. Whyte, Green, the Easdales, Honest Dave; nobody raised any objection to any of them, despite all the information on them that was readily available. Even when Ashley came along, the SFA broke its own rules by allowing him to buy shares. Still, Ogilvie could hardly say anything since he had shares in Rangers while on the board at Hearts. Questions should be asked as to how far Ogilvie's 'loan' has influenced his decisions and how much he has influenced the decision making of the SFA.

Looking towards his future, Ogilvie decided to stand for the UEFA Executive Committee. It says something that he was unsuccessful; probably the esteemed folk at UEFA didn't want their organisation contaminated by the presence of somebody from the SFA. Then again, maybe it was more to do with his personal shortcomings, more specifically, his ties to a dead, cheating club. Or perhaps they had a look at his Wikipedia page, where it says he was "born 1950 or 1951". How the hell can you trust a man that won't even let anyone know what year he was born?

"Remember, £95,000 is only a tiny, little amount when you compare it to what other folk got. Why should I be lambasted for that? And now some bastard called Pat Anderson is blackmailing me into recommending his books. He's got his hands on some paperwork and is threatening to send it to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain if I don't do what he says. So, come on, buy a book, please! You wouldn't want to see my name blackened, would you?"

EE BAH GOOM!

Season's Cheatings!

Ay-oop lads! Behind Door 17 it's the man with the big Yorkshire hands, the main man of Sevco, the man who invented the Big Lie, the man...well, you already know who I'm talking about. It's Charles Green aka Chateau Charlie.

Remember those halcyon days in 2012 when Big Charlie was the hero of Govan, not to mention our media? I suppose we'd better be careful since a lot of what happened then is sub judice but there's nothing wrong in talking about what's staring us in the face. Charlie's plan for a CVA was doomed from the start; getting a couple of pennies in the pound isn't much better than being paid bugger all. If you're owed millions, you're only going to get thousands, which isn't much use if you're looking to invest elsewhere. If you're owed hundreds, you're not even going to get enough for a few pints. Much better to wind things up and see what the assets will bring. HMRC saw things that way and so, as The Peeppul tend to forget, did Dave King.

Unfortunately for the creditors, Charlie had first dibs on the assets and picked them up for a song. Now, this is the bit the court's concerned with so we won't go into the rights and wrongs of this purchase. Of much more interest to us is Charlie's subsequent claim that he had 'bought the club'. As was pointed out at the time, and many times since, if he had bought the club, then what was it that Duff and Phelps were trying to sell to that American guy, Miller, or the other guy, Ng? The whole thing falls apart at the least argument, but The Peeppul, and the media, were desperate and lapped it up.

Then, Charlie went to the SPL to look for his new club to be shoe-horned into the top tier; or, rather, he stormed in demanding it. He presented them with a booklet announcing, "We are Rangers." The simple answer should have been, "Naw yer no'. Now fuck off!" But, Scottish football being what it is, they actually gave him a hearing. As we all know, the football panjandrums, as well as the chairmen of all the top clubs, would have been perfectly happy to go along with Charlie's plan; it was the ordinary supporter that forced them into changing their minds. Charlie, of course, was outraged.

It was from that point that the victim mentality started at Ibrox, Charlie started shouting about how not letting his new club into the SPL was down to bigotry and envy. He found a ready audience among The Peeppul, who swallowed all this guff down along with the free cups of tea. Just to make sure that there was no doubt over what he was on about, Charlie took a wee trip to Belfast to recruit the real extremists to his cause. It looked as if he was determined to go to any lengths to get The Peeppul to buy season books and turn up at matches, believing that the new club was 'stull Raynjurz'.

Of course, there have always been those at Ibrox, and sometimes even at Celtic Park, who are not averse to using sectarianism to drum up business, but Green took things to a new level. With the man that claimed to now own 'Rangers' claiming publicly that there was a plot against 'Rangers', inspired by sectarian hatred, the bams now had free rein to indulge in all manner of bigotry. Green never came out and said it, but the meaning behind his claims were more than implicit: it was those fucking Fenians that were out to stop 'Rangers' progressing. Things were bad enough, but look at all the death threats that have been forthcoming since Green arrived; essentially, he was the one that was ultimately responsible.

Green is no longer a hero to The Peeppul; his chateau in France is testament to the fact that he didn't exactly walk away skint. He also left behind a legacy of onerous contracts, the most visible of which is Mike Ashley's hold on the merchandise profits. His deeper legacy, however, is the baseless feeling of bitterness prevalent among The Peeppul. They can't accept that the custodians of their old club, or of their new club, for that matter, are in any way responsible for everything that's happened and is happening. Instead, they've got it in their heads that they've been the victims of a massive conspiracy. Reading some of their blogs and their comments on forums is like peering into the mind of a psychotic. HMRC was infiltrated by Catholic Raynjurz-Haturz, as was the SFA, the SPL, the SFL and now the SPFL. They ignore the way everyone has bent over backwards to accommodate them, even talking now about extending the top tier, just in case Sevco fails to win promotion. They can't see these things; their heads are full of shite about how everybody's out to get them. It was Charlie Green that put that shite in their heads.

So, did Charlie Boy cheat The Peeppul? That's for the courts to decide. He certainly cheated the rest of us with the Big Lie, amazingly with the connivance of the rest of Scottish football. And it's still going on, with stories of Honest Dave sending 'friendly' letters to the chairmen of Scottish football teams and Stewart Milne in the papers telling us all to 'move on'. In fact, there's nothing the cheats at the top of Scottish football would like better than to get Sevco into the top tier and then pretend that the last few years never happened. This is all part of Charlie's legacy. Go onto a football forum, or Twitter, and tell the truth about Sevco and you're labelled a bigot. This is Charlie's legacy as well.

Another of Charlie's pronouncements was that he had 'bought the history' and that nobody was going to strip any of the tainted titles and trophies. Anyone that thought differently was a sectarian bigot. The Peeppul rallied round and, even though they all hate Green now with a vengeance, they still spout this shite. So we've now got a huge divide in Scottish football, between The Peeppul and those that run football on one side, all of us ordinary punters on the other. We don't even know if we can trust those that are in charge of our clubs to back us up. This is Charlie's legacy and I, for one, hope the judge throws the book at the bastard!

"I was just reading 'Clash of the Agnivores' and I got so angry that I ended up having apoplexy. So, here I am in hospital, recovering slowly. I'm telling you, that Pat Anderson is one nasty, little bigot. Don't touch any of his books, unless you want to be in here in the next bed. They're toxic. Boycott all of them. You'd be better putting your money into Sevco shares!"

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Before we look behind Door 16, let me just say something about an article that was in yesterday's DR. It was all about a shop selling gollywogs. I couldn't believe it when I read the comments and saw that nobody at all condemned the sale of these things. Everybody was on about 'PC', including at least one person that was obviously a Celtic supporter. It's a disgrace that folk consider these 'toys' acceptable in this day and age.

The whole idea behind these dolls is to reduce black people to the status of animals. Somebody said that it's just a doll that happens to be black, but that's a pile of shit. When my daughter was wee she was daft on Barbie dolls and one Christmas asked for a black one; I've no idea why. The black Barbie we got happened to be a vet, with different equipment and small animals to look after. Do the folk that support the sale of gollywogs honestly thing there is no difference between this black Barbie vet and the 'cuddly toy' they want to give their grandchildren?

With its depersonalised face, frizzy hair and mismatched, cast-off clothes, the gollywog was a caricature of the poor, ignorant savage trying to pretend that it was a human being. Folk say they never thought about the racist connotations when they were younger but, again, that's a pile of shite. We were all well aware but, in truth, we just didn't care. When I was wee there was nothing wrong in using the word 'darkies' and our language betrayed the way we thought of black people as animals: black men were known as 'buck niggers', while a 'darkie's young' were called 'picaninnies'. The gollywog was a tangible manifestation of these kinds of attitudes.

I've already asked on the DR forum how these folk would feel if an English company were to produce a 'Jimmy' doll, with ginger hair, vomit all down its front, with a bottle in one hand and a knife in the other. If you pull its string it would either swear at you or ask for 10p. Such a doll would cause uproar. It's also worth remembering that it's not that long ago that Irish people were portrayed using the same, rancid stereotypes as the gollywog represents. In fact, even in the 1970s, native Irish people in Northern Ireland were known as 'white niggers'. Considering all of this, I really cannot understand how anyone with a brain can support the sale of gollywogs these days. Anyway, on with the show...

Season's Cheatings!

Behind Door 16 is a man with whom overspending and sheer prodigality have become synonymous. He took David Murray's tenners-for-fivers shite at face value and burned his way through millions. The sum usually quoted is £74m, which is a hell of a lot, even fifteen years later. Despite this outlay, Rangers barely made a dent in Europe under his watch. Presenting Mr. Dick Advocaat EBT.

Advocaat still thinks he did the right thing spending all that money, saying in 2012, "My team became champions. In that way, the money was worth spending." With such spending, however, the real measure of success should be in Europe, where Advocaat hardly set the heather alight. Strangely, though, our media didn't criticise Advocaat at the time, nor do they do so nowadays, preferring to focus on his team's domination domestically. On the other hand, Ronny Deila is seen as a failure for not beating all and sundry in Europe with a lot less resources than Advocaat had at his disposal.

Looking at Advocaat's record in Europe, it's nothing more than a catalogue of failure. In his first year at Rangers, they were out of the UEFA Cup before Christmas 1998. The following year saw a disastrous Champions League campaign, followed by being put out of the UEFA Cup before Christmas. It was the same story in season 2000-2001, while the following season saw Rangers progress beyond Christmas for the first time in nine years. With Alex McLeish in charge for the second half of the season, they made it to February. Nevertheless, Advocaat's tenure at Ibrox is portrayed as a time of success.

The tenners-for-fivers plan reached its nadir with the signing of Tore Andre Flo for the ridiculous sum of £12m. Celtic had signed Chris Sutton for £6m, so Rangers had to double that, even though Flo turned out to be a spectacular flop. Despite the seemingly infinite loans coming from the Bank of Scotland, Rangers still found it hard to compete for big players on the international market. That's where the EBT scheme came in, allowing Rangers to, albeit illegally, offer players higher salaries than they could get, even at Manchester United. (Although Ronald De Boer would try to tell you it was more to do with wanting to work with Advocaat.) Advocaat took full advantage of this to sign or hold onto players, while benefiting personally to the tune of one and a half million.

Advocaat being Advocaat, he can never admit that he got anything wrong. Hilariously, he said in 2012, "Probably, they spent too much money. Otherwise, you are not in this position." Notice that: 'they'; as if it had nothing whatsoever to do with him. So, on the one hand, he justifies 'his' spending by citing the domestic trophies he won, then, on the other, when it's obvious that Rangers overspent, 'they' are the ones that were profligate. It's the old Nuremberg defence again, the I-didn't-know-where-the-money-was-coming-from-and-I-didn't-sign-the-cheques excuse, so beloved by Mr. Dignity. We all know this is a lie since Advocaat was paid through the EBT scheme himself, no doubt with a separate contract.

The Little General was no stranger to hypocrisy, even before the tax dodging came to light. Just like Auld Dignity, he 'never saw' any incidents that benefited his team, whereas he would shout from the rooftops if any decision went against him. Then, in 2002, Celtic were knocked out in the qualifiers for the Champions League. They dropped down into the UEFA Cup competition, where they had a fantastic run and got all the way to the final. Dick Advocaat, now the boss of the Dutch national team, had his say on Celtic's progress. With unbelievable two-facedness, he said that it was unfair that teams that failed in the Champions League should be parachuted down to the UEFA Cup. Even the Scottish media laughed at him!

During Advocaat's reign, Rangers won two champions titles, two Scottish Cups and two League Cups, including a treble in his first season in charge. EBTs were not a factor in that first season but the Discount Option Scheme was. Rangers were found guilty for using DOS and were due to stump up in what was called 'The Wee Tax Case'. Essentially, this means that Advocaat's treble was down to cheating, both the tax man and the rest of Scottish football. The big EBT scheme was introduced while Advocaat was at Ibrox and he, himself, took personal advantage. There is no way that Advocaat could have signed the players he did without these two schemes, despite what Ronald De Boer might say. He would obviously deny it but Advocaat, during his time at Rangers, was nothing more than a cheating, wee bastard!

"Hey, folks, you can read all about Sevco in 'Clash of the Agnivores' and 'Never Mind the Zombies'. I enjoyed both these books since none of it involves me. Really, the biggest mistake Rangers ever made was letting me go. Do you think they'd have died if I'd still been there? Of course not. I was the best thing that ever happened at Ibrox...blah...blah...drone..."

JURASSIC WORLD

Season's Cheatings!

Today's scoundrel always gets himself in the papers for all the wrong reasons. While we're all told that Northern Ireland is moving on and there's adverts inviting us over for holidays and trying to tempt businesses into setting up there, in some ways things haven't changed at all. A lot of time is wasted at Stormont in point-scoring and complaining about slights, real or imagined. One man in particular is still stuck in the old days of the Protestant Ascendancy and believes that upholding this is what he's been elected for. Presenting the Derry Dinosaur Jockey, Gregory Campbell.

At Stormont, Campbell stands for things that most Protestants and Unionists find embarrassing. He belongs to some fundamentalist sect that believes in the literal truth of everything in the Bible. That means that the creation story is true and Bishop James Ussher's calculations about the age of the earth are true. Campbell and his ilk don't let scientific evidence get in the way of their beliefs, calling biologists, palaeontologists, geologists and the like nothing short of liars. In fact, they believe that dinosaurs were around up until a couple of thousand years ago and were probably domesticated by man. No wonder you get joke cartoons of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a Tyrannosaurus Rex! One of Campbell's demands is that this stuff be taught in schools and that Creationism be given equal status with Evolution, not just in schools but in natural history museums as well.

Of course, it could be argued that Campbell is just looking for parity of treatment for his beliefs, which are shared by many in the USA, if not in NI. When it comes to others looking for parity, however, Campbell is dead against it; even when what they want is far more reasonable than his demands. For example, any calls for the promotion of the Irish language are met with nothing but scorn and ridicule from Campbell. He was actually censured by the Speaker at Stormont for making jokes about a member saying something in Gaelic. In other words, most of his stances in Stormont have nothing to do with the good of Northern Ireland and everything to do with bigotry.

When he's at Westminster, Campbell has to watch his step. Calls for Creationism to be taught in schools would be laughed out of the House, while lambasting Irish Gaelic would probably see him expelled. He has to keep his bigoted supporters onside, though, so he has decided to pick on a different target, one that they all hate just as much. That target is Celtic FC. It almost seems as if Campbell talks of nothing else when at Westminster. Oh, tell a lie...a few years ago Fiat brought out a new car called the Provo; not surprisingly, Campbell blew a gasket! Anyway, he's forever asking the House to condemn the 'behaviour' of Celtic supporters in Europe and usually gets shouted down for his trouble.

Campbell colludes with the sad, wee, Belfast man that calls himself PZJ, desperately trying to find something, anything to use against Celtic. In one pathetic manoeuvre, Campbell put a written request to the Chancellor of the Exchequer, demanding that Celtic be investigated as part of the enquiry into the Co-Operative Bank (Ignoring the irony of this, given the relationship between Rangers FC and the occupant behind Door Number 8). To his, and The Peeppul's, disappointment, a Treasury spokesperson told him that the customers of the Co-Op Bank were not in the remit of the enquiry and were nobody's business.

Undaunted, Campbell persuaded his DUP colleagues in Brussels to bring up some cock-and-bull story about dodgy land deals between Celtic and Glasgow City Council to the European Commission. Unfortunately for Campbell and his accomplices, there was nothing for the EC to find. There was the same outcome when their last resort, Audit Scotland, took up the investigation. PZJ, of course, thinks the whole thing is a travesty and has promised not to let it rest. No doubt Campbell is champing at the bit to get going, though who the hell is going to listen to them, let alone act on their fantasies, is another matter.

Predictably, those among The Peeppul that believe all PZJ's pish don't see anything wrong in either him or Campbell getting involved in these obsessive vendettas. Isn't Northern Ireland a part of the UK? Doesn't Campbell have a right, as an elected member of the UK Parliament, to be 'concerned' about anything 'untoward' going on in his country? Strangely, these particular arguments evaporate when it comes to Alex Thomson. The argument then is that for an Englishman to be interested in Rangers and Sevco he must be inspired by bigotry. As we all know, a sense of irony is not one of The Peeppul's strong points.

So, while implicitly condoning the cheating of Rangers and Sevco, Campbell has tried his best to malign and cause trouble for a law-abiding Scottish team. And this hasn't just started recently, as a consequence of his own team dying; he's been doing this for years. The House of Commons has long been bored to tears with his calls for something to be done about Celtic's supporters, while the supporters of his own team go round trashing cities and assailing everyone's ears with their sectarian bigotry. He might describe himself as a politician but, in reality, he's just another bigoted, cheating member of The Peeppul.

"I'm just on my way to buy up as many of Pat Anderson's books as I can. Then we're going to have a big bonfire in front of the Guildhall in De...Londonderry."