WARP FACTOR TWO, MR SULU. SO MOTE IT BE!

That was some length of post from Shaun the other day. At this rate he'll soon be challenging me in the book-writing stakes! Anyway, he got me thinking about how the Orange Order these days is desperate to be seen as a respectable organisation and not the bunch of sectarian bigots and racists that we all know and love. They give out instructions on their web page about how to behave at marches and try to discourage the drunken, Rangers-top-clad morons that usually follow follow the parade along the street. Not only that, but they are trying to reinvent themselves as upholders of freedom, democracy and, God help us, religious tolerance.

Of course, this takes a little bit of rewriting of history. The Orange Order fought tooth and nail against every concession granted under the Test Acts, trying to ensure that Unitarians, Quakers and anybody else that didn't accept mainstream Protestantism remained disenfranchised and unaccepted in society. The Catholic Emancipation Act of 1829 almost drove them to apoplexy, especially since it was brought in by pillar of the establishment the Duke of Wellington and the rabidly anti-Catholic Robert Peel, whom his acquaintances called 'Orange Peel'!

So, anyway, we have to suffer them clogging up our streets every summer while they try to convince us, and themselves, that they're commemorating 'religious freedoms'. They also claim to be celebrating their 'traditions' and 'culture'. Apparently these 'traditions' and 'culture' are to do with the PUL community, as they call it. They're Christians, don't you know!

Supposedly you can't join the Orange Order unless you are a Trinitarian Christian; presumably not a Catholic one though. But yesterday I was killing some boredom by following links to see where I end up. McMurdo's site usually leads you to places you never thought possible so I went from there. I ended up on some Facebook page where I found the following gem:

"Yep I have very little doubt that the greatest number of `atheists` and `agnostics` come from within the Unionist / Loyalist community - you see it in the bands and indeed Orange Order members when they do not want to attend church, accept gospel tracts or indeed participate in a church parade but stand outside smoking or go to the pub rather than go into the church service - some even refer to themselves as Protestants still despite that."

So how come these characters haven't been kicked out of this 'Christian' organisation? And how did they get in the door in the first place? It seems that the prerequisites for joining are nothing but a pile of shite. So if they let atheists and agnostics in then what are the real prerequisites? It would seem that there's only one: hatred of Catholics! And that's what they call tradition and culture!

Speaking of Orangemen, they were all at pains to point out that Jimmy Savile was a Catholic and that he received a knighthood from the Pope. The fact that he was a friend of the Royal Family was conveniently brushed under the carpet. Yesterday Rolf Harris was found guilty of indecently assaulting young girls. The internet almost crashed as The Peeppul frantically searched to find out what school he went to, where his parents came from and whether he was ever in the same country at the same time as the Pope. Unfortunately for them, Harris is not a Catholic. He was, however, a good friend of the Royal Family.

I pointed this out on the Daily Record forum and got The Peeppul all riled up. They actually had the nerve to call me a bigot! Helpfully, one of them reminded us that Jimmy Savile was a Catholic, adding that this was irrelevant. Why mention it, then? I don't subscribe to the David Icke school of conspiracy that sees the Freemasons, of which Harris, Savile and, apparently, Gary Glitter were members, as a haven for these perverts. It stands to reason, however, that these paedophiles were being protected by somebody high up; very high up, in fact.

But enough of all this seriousness; let's get back to Bisto FC. Young striker, Stuart Little, has decided to be a man, not a mouse and admit that he's still stunned about being sacked. He's found himself a new berth at Preston North End but he's understandably a bit pissed off. It's not very often that somebody gets the push to make way for an older model! The Peeppul, however, couldn't give a damn. They're all excited about the return of Kirk and Spock. One of McMurdo's disciples had this to say:

"If we had either Boyd or Miller in the team against Dundee hibs we would have won that match and I’m sure went on to win the cup ."

As well as grammar not being a strong point, (this guy has obviously never encountered the pluperfect tense and doesn't know how to construct a conditional clause) they're still seriously deluded by the looks of things. They honestly think that this pair of gravy-train passengers are going to stroll through next season, scoring goal after goal with nobody to stop them. Of course, our esteemed officials will be on hand to ensure that Sooperally and his Last of the Summer Wine team aren't too disappointed.

Sooperally is saying how excited he is but it will be interesting to see what the officials can do to help him and his team against full-time, professional opposition. Considering how poorly they performed against all the postmen and policemen, even with penalties and teams being reduced to ten men, they're going to need a lot of help. Laughably, some of the Bisto Kids see things differently.

 "I see all the sceptics are getting envious now, I mean all they chat about is rangers, albeit through childish comments, or is it deep seated fear of us returning to the spl.... do they have a sponsor yet, prob not not much to watch there anyhow."

I don't think anybody's told him, but the SPL doesn't exist anymore. It's the SPFL that doesn't have a sponsor yet, which includes the division his team will be playing in next season. As for a deep-seated fear of Bisto FC 'returning' to the Premiership, all we're doing is laughing at this upstart new club and its deluded supporters!

Back to Boyd and Miller and the Cuprinol Man has been back in Musselburgh, where he was unhappy about an exhibition featuring him. He apparently asked the organisers to remove a picture of him in a Celtic strip. Now I wonder what that was about? Is he playing up to The Peeppul? Sad, really.

Finally, sales of Clash of the Agnivores appear to have dried up. What's going on out there? Come on, my rabbit is determined to be kept in the manner to which she has become accustomed! How am I going to explain to her that she can't get Timothy hay because the Tims won't buy my book? Do you honestly want to see her reduced to eating common meadow hay like one of the buns?

"The need of the money outweighs the need of the huns!"

As recommended by Pat's rabbit

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