IF YOU LIKE A LOT OF ORANGE WITH YOUR FOOTBALL...

McMurdo yesterday indulged in some Sabbatical sermonising, in which, not for the first time, he tries to play the 'reasonable man' card. Unfortunately, try as he might, he just can't help the bigotry and paranoia seeping through, while his acolytes are there, as always, to fill in the spaces.

In a meandering ramble it's hard to discern exactly what McMurdo's point is but he claims to be 'scotching a few myths.' First up is the myth of Rangers (sic) being a Protestant club. He points out that you don't hear hymns or the like at Ibrox to support this claim. He's missing the point, however, as Rangers never was a Protestant club. Rangers was an Orange club. Nothing about the club was ever to promote the Protestant faith and there were never any links to the Church of Scotland or whatever. Certainly the club was followed by Protestants and had a policy whereby it only employed Protestants, but this always came across as a policy of exclusivity, rather than any high-minded religious crusade. The whole ethos of the club and its support was one of hatred, which rather negates the idea of it being a Protestant club. Protestantism per se is not about hatred; the Orange Order, on the other hand, is.

Showing how far out of touch he is with the modern world, McMurdo also goes on about how Catholics are voting in the referendum. The days of people voting according to their religious persuasion are long gone, if they were ever around in the first place. Back in the 1920s and 1930s the Gorbals was an area where the Communists could count on a good chunk of the popular vote. Somehow I can't imagine the priest standing in the pulpit on a Sunday exhorting everyone to vote Communist! Throughout the 20th Century voting was determined more and more by class issues and religion had nothing to do with it. Except, of course, for our friends in the Orange Order. Even their support for the Conservatives fell by the wayside when, as Teddy Taylor found to his cost, the word 'Unionist' was dropped from the party's name.

McMurdo hints at dark, Jesuit conspiracies and his acolytes are only too happy to develp this theme. I'm sure the Society of Jesus would be more than happy to win back Scotland to the faith but, then, others want to win over Scotland as well. Do you think all those Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses go round banging on doors for the good of their health? So I take it McMurdo and his merry band of clowns are afraid of these other conspiracies to take over Scotland, based in Salt Lake City and Brooklyn?

And then we have the usual claims that there are evil forces out to destroy Protestantism in Scotland. Why the hell would anyone bother? According to one clown Scotland was renowned for being a backward nation, full of superstition and ignorance before the Reformation. Is that right? So how come it had two major universities? And how the hell were all those people able to decide that they agreed with Luther and Calvin if they were all 'backward' and 'superstitious'. Perhaps the suggestion is that folk didn't actually understand what they were doing or what the Reformation actually entailed. That would explain the number of people in Scotland that call themselves 'Protestants' when they have never seen the inside of a church and probably aren't even baptised!

McMurdo and his disciples constantly tell us that Scotland would be nothing outside the Union but then they all argue that independence is a Vatican-inspired plot by the European Union. Why, in the name of the wee man, would either the EU or the Vatican bother with a country that the Merlinites would have us believe is actually not worth bothering about? The only answer I seem to be able to discern among their ravings is that it's all to help Celtic! That's right, of course, because all the Vatican and the whole of Europe cares about is Celtic FC. That's why you see teams like Real Madrid, Barcelona etc lying down to Celtic and why Celtic has won the European Cup every year since its inception!

And as for Protestantism in Scotland being destroyed from without - give me a fucking break! You want leaders? The General Assembly of the Church of Scotland meets every year and the C of S would like nothing better than folk turning up at church. The problem is that the Kirk has changed and is no longer filled with hate-driven old bigots. The Kirk these days is all about the message of Christ and not about condemning all and sundry. Unfortunately, this is not the kind of church that The Peeppul want. The only reason the Church of Scotland is dying on its feet is because it has abandoned bigotry and racism. Unfortunately the Kirk has actually left much of its potential congregation behind in the Dark Ages.

Education? The clowns are banging on about how Christianity should be taught in schools; it is, you morons! RE is compulsory in all schools in Scotland and government documents make it plain that Christianity is to be the main content of this education. This is meant to be the case even if the school is full of Muslims! It's not the fault of the schools that most ministers are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to proselytising to children. Nor is it the fault of the schools that Double Predestination is such an abhorrent doctrine that the Kirk avoids ever mentioning it. Nor is it the fault of the schools that the pupils are brought up at home to believe that Protestantism is all about being a majorette at the head of a flute band and nothing at all to do with going to church!

Anyway, a deep breath now that I've got all that off my chest! So what's new down Bisto FC way? Well, nothing much. According to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain they're on their uppers and will be lucky to make it through the season. Unfortunately, they remind me of an old guy that used to live up the road from me. He was obsessed about ants, even though they lived in the stonework at the end of his garden and were nowhere near his house. I had them at the bottom of my garden as well but decided that I'd leave them alone if they afforded me the same courtesy. I have to say that they lived up well to their side of the bargain and I rarely saw them unless I was cutting the grass. But this guy just couldn't leave them alone. He was always out with all manner of lotions, potions and powders, trying vainly to kill them off. Every time he thought he'd succeeded they'd appear again once they thought the coast was clear. I remember one Autumn day he was out stamping on the new queens as they flew out from the nest, which prompted a ground attack by the soldier ants. They were up his trouser legs before he knew it and he hopped about wildly as they bit hell out of him! I used to laugh and tell him that they were a species called 'Jesus Ants', which, when you killed them, would come back to life three days later!

The club at Ibrox reminds me of those ants. Rangers has died once already but they came back with a new club, claiming that they're 'still the same'. This could conceivably go on forever. Every time they die a new one will appear, still claiming to be Rangers. Like those ants, I don't think we'll ever get rid of them. I keep waiting for them to use the analogy of Doctor Who, their club regenerating like a Time Lord every time it dies!

Speaking of Doctor Who, I had to laugh at the Daily Record going on about some Glasgow guide to Doctor Who. Apparently the good Doctor went to Glasgow University and has many links with the city, including, probably, fighting Autons in Govan. The Record detailed all the different items except one. It mentioned that the school Peter Capaldi went to was marked on the guide but omitted to mention the name of it. No doubt this was to save the sensibilities of many of their readers; it wouldn't do for them to discover that there's a Kafflik in the Tardis! Christ, they're even taking over Gallifrey!

Sticking with the Record, and their bias really knows no bounds. Read these two headlines; no further comment from me is necessary.

"Alistair Darling joins film stars, pop idols and sporting greats in ALS ice bucket challenge" 

 

"Watch Alex Salmond get a soaking as First Minister takes the Ice Bucket Challenge"

I don't think I'll be doing that challenge - I need the bucket tae boak intae!

 

The UN Security Council meets to discuss how best to destroy Protestantism in Scotland.

 P.S. A heartfelt plea. Does anyone know where I can find fixture lists for Celtic matches from 1899 up to WWI? The only firm date I can find is Celtic playing away to Kilmarnock on August 26th 1899. This, apparently, was the second league match of that season. I can find head-to-heads between Celtic and other Division 1 teams (except St. Bernard's) but the date given for every game, both home and away, is June 1st. I thought that might have been when the season started but that would mean a long time between games. Either that or June 1st 1899 was one helluva busy day, with every team in Scotland playing each other twice. No wonder the next games weren't until August 26th! Can anybody help?