TORCKY THE TWAT

Do you remember that game 'Stop the Bus'? I used to play it in the classroom sometimes when it was getting near the school holidays or we were going somewhere and had an hour or so to kill. One of the funniest answers was from a boy that gave an animal beginning with 'D'. Knowing that most people would have 'dog' he came up with a different one - 'djraff'! Anyway, the game always involved having a boy's name and a girl's name and it occurred to me, while reading the Daily Record, that if anyone had come up with the name 'Torcuil' he'd have been laughed at just as much as the 'djraff' lad. I mean, who calls their child that? It would be easier, in a game of 'Stop the Bus' to believe it was an animal; some kind of Latin-American anteater or some such!

The Record's own Torcuil, of the Crichton clan, was on hand yesterday to tell us how folk travelling on a train from Carlisle to Dumfries felt about Scottish independence. It was the usual skewed DR piece, pretending to be balanced while beating the Better Together drum. Torcky couldn't help but stick his own oar in, letting us know his predictable feelings on the matter. One little gem jumped out at me from the article. He talks of the short train journey thus: "It could whisk travellers north from one of the oldest political unions on the planet to one of the newest nation states on the block." Now there's a startling, and telling, revelation.

So according to Torcky, who no doubt toes the Record's editorial line, Scotland will be a completely new nation. When the Scottish Parliament was dissolved that was it; all the history, goodwill etc etc was gone. What rose afterwards was a completely new entity, and an independent Scotland will be an even newer one. So even though it will be called Scotland, with its parliament in Edinburgh, with the same laws etc it will be a new nation. There's something strangely familiar there but I can't quite put my finger on it. Do you think the DR would feel the same way about any other entity that was dissolved and then started over?

Meanwhile we were treated to the story of a bunch of Tory-supporting business magnates signing some petition against independence. This shower included the Tunnocks and the Baxters. They cited 'uncertainty' as their main concern but are bare-faced liars; they actually couldn't be more certain about what will happen come independence and it scares the shit out of them. Like many companies, they dodge out of paying a decent wage by using 'zero-hours' contracts. This is smiled upon by the Westminster Government but they know full well that it wouldn't be tolerated in a fairer Scotland. Somebody called for a boycott of their products and I think that they're right. I certainly wouldn't miss Baxter's soup, a week, watery product, but I'll definitely miss Tunnock's tea cakes. Still, I won't be putting any more money into the bastards' pockets!

And it seems congratulations are in order. Lee McCulloch (I love the way the DR describes him as 'Rangers Ace'!) has set a record as the first Ger (sic) to score in all four leagues and in all Scotland's cup competitions. Which begs the question: if he's only the first Ger (sic) to do it, who has done it before him? It just shows how much it matters; I can't be bothered trying to find out. The DR doesn't, however, mention his other record: being a loser in every cup competition in Scotland!

Speaking of cups and losers, Bisto FC have been handed a potential leg-up by the powers-that-be at the SPFL. If, and it's a big if, (but, then, the referee's always on hand) Bisto manage to beat Inverness then they well go into the pot as one of the seeded teams, avoiding having to play any of the bigger boys. The excuse is that Bisto could not play their game against Queens Park because Ibrox was being used for the Commonwealth Games. The fact that it was an away fixture seems not to matter. So the game was postponed and, as a spokesman for the SPFL bleats, Bisto FC is a round behind. Now, the draw hasn't even been made for the third-round matches but it's been decided that, for some strange reason, we need to know who the seeded teams will be right now. Obviously Inverness would be in that hallowed company so it has been decided that whoever wins the Bisto v ICT game will be seeded. Honest mistakes, eh?

Over on the right side of the tracks, there's a story that Virgil Van Dijk might want to move on now that Celtic are out of the Champions League. Apparently he wants to play at the 'highest level' and feels that the Europa League is somehow beneath him. Now, it has to be said that this story is in the Daily Record, which immediately casts doubt on its veracity but if it is true then Van Dijk has got some neck! Perhaps if you'd played better, son, then Celtic would be in the group stages! You were part of the team that lost against Maribor so, like it or not, you are no more 'Champions League' level than the rest of them! Now shut up, play better or piss off!

Staying with the Champions, McMurdo yesterday decided to educate us on something we already know: that Celtic don't have as much money as some folk seem to think. My God, this guy is wasted on the blogosphere; he should be out using those massive powers of deduction to solve the crimes the police find baffling. Honestly, though, a five-year-old could tell you that no matter how much is coming into Celtic Park it is nowhere near the vast sums of money raked in by the European big boys. Downsizing? Of course Celtic has been downsizing. Like every other club in Scotland, Celtic had to overspend just to try to keep up with the cheats at Ibrox. Now those days are gone and Scottish football is re-adjusting to get back to the kind of spending that is more reasonable. There's only one club, a new one, that hasn't learned the lesson; McMurdo and his disciples would do far better to worry about that!

And today, McMurdo unveils a new header and then writes a post that completely undermines his slogan, 'semper reformanda'. 'Always reforming' it means; that is, that the individual and the church should be constantly self-examining to see if they are doing the right thing and change if they are not. It has to be said that the Church of Scotland has stuck fast to this motto and has come a long way from the days of hatred and bigotry of the last century; McMurdo, however, has not. He's like some Alf Garnet figure, fighting a rearguard action against the forces of modernity and enlightenment, as today's blog makes clear.

Merlin doesn't seem to be able to understand that some supporters of his club are voting YES for Scottish independence. This is complete anathema to him. He just doesn't get that not everybody that supports the Ibrox team believes the fairy stories about descent from the tribes of Israel, the Ark of the Covenant sitting under a hill in Ireland and Scotland having some destiny to rule the world as part of a new-born British Empire. Some folk just enjoy a game of football and seeing their team do well without all the historical baggage that is supposed to come with it. Not all Newco supporters are members of the Orange Lodge and not all Newco supporters are rabidly anti-Catholic and anti-Irish. To McMurdo and his merry band, however, such people are traitors. You should only be supporting the Ibrox team if you are a member of the PUL community; ie an Orange bigot. It's actually quite frightening that there are people out there with those kinds of views in this day and age!

What kind of person would base their whole political ideology on the football team that he supports? Like I said the other day, Celtic could possibly benefit from staying in the Union but there's no way in hell that I'd let that influence my decision on how to vote. Perhaps the independence referendum has come too late for the likes of McMurdo. A hundred-odd years ago he would have jumped at the chance to bring Scotland back under the control of the Kirk, throw all the Irish out and go back to the days when enjoying yourself was strictly forbidden. Ah...the good old days. No Christmas, no dance halls, no music except hymns, no shopping or housework on the Sabbath etc etc. Sounds a veritable paradise!

The views of one his disciples is even more risible. Apparently it's obvious that Rangers was, and Bisto FC is, the 'quintessential British club'. Didn't they all turn up in Manchester, a quarter of a million of them, clad in Union Flags (or Flegs) to show how much they loved the Union and their fellow Britons? It seems to have escaped this clown's notice that his band of 'Unionists' showed their love for their fellow Britons by trying to murder a sizable chunk of them and by destroying and pishing on much of their property. Never mind a vote for independence; if you'd asked the people of England in 2008 they'd have thrown Scotland out of the Union on its arse after experiencing The Peeppul!

"An' Ah said tae the wummin, Ah said, 'How is a pension plan backed bae 6 million people better than wan backed bae 60 million?' Shay didnae hiv an answer tae that wan. Ah should've mibby mentioned that ma pension's awready been stolen bae Tory bankers. But at least thur British bankers! An' before emdy says that Ah'm jist votin' NAW because Ah'm an auld Bluenose, jist mind, Ah wrote a biography aboot Jock Stein, so Ah did!"