...AND THE NEXT ONE, PLEASE!

 Season's Cheatings!

 Our next cheating bastard, hiding behind Door Number 5, is one Hugh Dallas MBE. As well as making an appearance on Family Fortunes, Dallas was long considered Scotland's top referee. He was also well-regarded by UEFA and FIFA, leading to him officiating at Champions League matches, the Euros and even the World Cup. It just goes to show that the international refereeing community is just as corrupt as that of Scotland!

Top-level European and international games officiated by Dallas were renowned for controversial (wrong) decisions and these matches usually ended with Dallas being escorted from the pitch by police officers, while a hail of missiles descended upon him. Teams and nations constantly put in complaints about him and, when it was announced that he would be officiating, demands were made for him to be removed. And yet, we were still told that he was one of the World's top referees and Scotland's Number One.

His most infamous performance was in a decisive league match between Celtic and Rangers in May 1999.  As the match progressed, it looked as if he was showing distinct favouritism toward Rangers. As was the norm in a match with Dallas in charge, missiles were never far away. Somebody, allegedly a Celtic supporter, threw a coin and hit Dallas on the head. When the match restarted, Dallas, even with a ten-bob bit embedded in his napper and his eyes full of blood, managed to spot an infringement that nobody else saw. Rangers were awarded a penalty and went on to win the match 3-0, winning the league in the process.

With the accusations of favouritism being bandied about, the Daily Record (of course) analysed the match and showed that Celtic had been awarded more free kicks than Rangers. According to the Record, this proved categorically that no favouritism had been shown. The fact was, however, that the majority of those free kicks meant that Celtic were constantly pulled back when on the break. Not once did Dallas play advantage and there were a few occasions when Larsson was straight in on goal, only for the whistle to blow for a free kick, usually back in Celtic's own half.

In later years, Dallas was appointed Head of Referee Development at the SFA and got himself involved in a major controversy involving, you guessed it, Celtic. It was discovered that Dougie McDonald had lied to Neil Lennon about a pivotal decision in a match against Dundee Utd. Dallas had been vocal in defending McDonald's story; effectively lying as well. Assistant referee Steven Craven accused Dallas of exerting undue pressure on him to back up McDonald's lies. Among all the fallout, 'Scotland's Top Referee' escaped any discipline, or even, for that matter, censure.

Dallas, later that year, sent an offensive e-mail about the Pope, using his SFA e-mail account. After Phil Mac Giolla Bhain broke the story, the SFA had to act and Dallas was sacked after an in-house enquiry. He then had the gall to claim unfair dismissal, which the SFA settled out of court. Our media, even then, refused to condemn him; instead bemoaning the loss of such a great man. This episode confirmed what we had all suspected: Dallas was a cheating Hun. It also exposed the criteria used in Scotland for deciding what makes a 'top referee'.