THE ELF ON THE SHELF

Before we open Door Number 10, I was probably wrong about the penalty shoot-outs gaining the winner 4 points in the new League Cup set-up. Still, even if it means 2 points, it's still a bloody stupid idea. It used to be 2 points for a win but teams would be quite happy to settle for a point less, so a win was changed to 3 points to encourage more competition in matches. This idea for penalty shoot-outs is a retrograde step and will result in boring matches that nobody will want to attend.

Season's Cheatings!

Behind Door Number 10 is a man that most folk see as nothing more than a randy, wee clown; a sort of cross between Casanova and Jimmy Krankie. He can normally be found, when not on the radio, sailing about off the west coast or joining in the karaoke in a pub on Millport. He's one of the figures of mild fun on the execrable 'Only An Excuse', where the jokes about him really being a Hun while pretending to support St. Mirren are about as funny as your granny suddenly dying and going face-down in the soup at the Christmas Dinner table. In reality, however, the man is more a poison dwarf than the fun-loving buffoon our media likes to portray. I give you...Chick Young.

 

Everybody remembers the big fight on Radio Scotland between Young and Jabba, when they accused each other of being Rangers' biggest cheerleader. While they threw insults at each other, it was notable that neither of them actually denied their partiality; they couldn't. While Jabba's contribution to the cause was usually in writing, Young was a more in-your-face presence, always going on about 'Walter' this and 'Walter' that. All his sexual conquests must necessarily have been threesomes, since his tongue was so far up Auld Dignity's arse that he would have to have been in the bed with them.

 

Even when 'Wee Chick' was being supposedly reasonable, his true nature always showed through. When he was condemning attacks on Neil Lennon, he had to slip this in:

 

"Neil Lennon is no angel. I think at times this season he has acted dreadfully, naively, about the job he is in and the responsibility he has inherited."

 

Where was the need for that? 

 

Then there was 'Dougiegate' and the subsequent referees' strike. Young was unequivocal in determining the blame.

 

"Celtic have set about Dougie McDonald with a baseball bat, a ridiculous over-reaction in the crime and punishment scenario of what went on during and after their fixture against Dundee United." 

 

And I don't know if this is apocryphal, but I read somewhere that Young was at the airport, trying to persuade the foreign referees not to 'cross the picket line'. Young's view on referees was that

 

"you can't treat people like this. You can't haunt their existence, call them cheats".

 

He didn't always feel this way. Here's a quote from Chick from two years earlier,

 

"Another week, another questionable refereeing decision, another dodgy penalty. Referees are turning into lemmings, self destructing as they reach the top of the cliff and then jogging towards the edge. Mike McCurry, Eddie Smith and now Charlie. No more, gentlemen. Get a grip of your whistles and as one go forward together. Our game cannot take much more of this."

 

So what was different in August 2008? Well, the 'dodgy penalty' Chick speaks of was actually awarded to Celtic. Celtic had been getting a few decisions going their way, while Auld Dignity was fuming about a couple of goals being chalked off for being offside. No talk of 'honest mistakes' or calls to leave referees alone on this occasion. Young was at the forefront of calls for something to be done about Scottish referees. No strikes occurred, no fingers pointed. The SFA called all the managers in and cravenly apologised to Mr. Dignity et al.

 

It appears, then, that 'Wee Chick's' defence of referees, and being upset at them being called cheats, all depends on the circumstances. If they were helping out Rangers, as they normally did, then all was well; if the 'honest mistakes' benefited Celtic, then the referees were hung out to dry. Also, if 'Walter' criticised officials, then he was perfectly correct. Let Neil Lennon do it, though...

 

Young's thraldom to Walter Smith was the stuff of legend. Even when Auld Dignity verbally abused him and swore at him, Chick still looked at him with big, adoring, puppy-dog eyes. To Chick, Smith was everything a manager should be, even though everyone could see that he was nothing without a massive cheque book, funded, incidentally, with money that Rangers didn't have. Even with the truth of what went on at Rangers being public knowledge, Chick still thinks that 'Walter' would be the best man to take the Scotland team forward!

 

In 2012, with all the furore over Rangers being on its death bed, and attempts being made to shoehorn a new club into the SPL, Chick had this to say: 

 

"Rangers are a special case. Look, if you own a restaurant and Willie Smith calls for a table and you're booked for three weeks, you don't give him a table. If Rod Stewart calls, you find accommodation for him don't you? So don't tell me there are not special cases in this world."

 

It was obvious which side Chick was on! He was also a firm believer in 'Armageddon'.

 

"The death of the Ibrox club would toll the bell for the Scottish game. In fact, it may already be too late. It strikes me that too many have little concept of how serious the situation really is.

Those who want Rangers wiped from the face of the planet for their misdemeanours, who want their chairmen to don the black cap when it comes to judgement day, are entitled to their opinion, but they should be prepared to live with the consequences.

Consider this: on a match day when Rangers are at home and Celtic away, far in excess of half the paying customers in the SPL are at Ibrox.

Remind me on what basis you can dispense with half your custom and still thrive and you, my friend, have found the secret of business heaven."

 

In other words, we should welcome a 'newco' with open arms and pretend that it's 'stull Raynjurz'. Aye, Chick, Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, Chick! With his biased views on how referees should operate and his pleading for Rangers to be treated as a special case, even though they were cheats, Chick Young deserves his place in our rogues gallery.

 

 

And don't forget to have a look at my books.