ASSAULT AND VINEGAR?

Contrary to what it says in some of the newspapers, Lukasz Zaluska was not attacked by a Premiership footballer; he was attacked by TWO Premiership footballers! Strangely, we're not allowed to know who they are, 'for legal reasons',  and the police are apparently studying CCTV before making any arrests. This is despite the fact that there were various witnesses to the assault, who were even able to recount what the second thug said. Before jumping into a taxi, this coward, who punched Zalukas after he had already been attacked, said, “I shouldn’t even be here. I’m a
professional footballer.” What the hell does that mean?

The only thing we can say for definite is that neither coward plays for Bisto FC. This is certain, not because witnesses have said that the attackers were 'Premiership players', but because with the fat salaries handed out at Ibrox, Ashton Lane would be too down-market for any Bisto player to frequent.

There is speculation already that the two attackers are actually CELTIC players! Maybe Deila's set up a hit-squad to follow other players around and Zalukas and his wife made the mistake of eating a bag of chips on their way home! All joking aside, though, the poor guy was knocked unconscious. There is no point in hoping the police catch the bastards responsible; they obviously already know who they are. The main hope is that something proper is done about them; i.e. a stretch in prison instead of the usual slap on the wrist!

No smoke yet from the Ibrox chimney, so they haven't chosen a new Messiah yet. I see some of McMurdo's Marauders appear to be coming round to the idea of Honest Dave taking charge; they're not sure if they can trust Ashley. And they're going to trust a convicted swindler? Anyway, it's not going to happen. There's no point going over all the whys and wherefores again; the man's a crook, offering a dodgy deal and only the terminally thick would take him on a slice. Er...now I come to think about it...

McMurdo, meanwhile, decides to regale us with another of his parables. This time, it's a virus causing certain sections of the Bisto support to rage and froth at the mouth. I thought raging and frothing at the mouth was the default setting for The Peeppul! His disciples are all in agreement, praying that they all get back together to fight the 'real enemies'. I wonder which enemies they're talking about; according to them there's no lack of them! Chris! Chris! Have you updated Ze List lately?

One of the Merlinites gives us a brief insight into the workings of the Orange Brain, so called because it sees the world through the bottom of a glass of orange juice, is as bitter as a Seville Orange and is about the size of a Satsuma. Oh, and they gie everybody else the fuckin' pip! Anyway, this clanger lets us know that the Moon landing in 1969 was a sham, a big conspiracy and only a JD-swilling American would believe that it really happened.

Funnily enough, your average JD-swilling, Southern redneck comes from the same stock as The Peeppul. Not only will he be the one to claim the Moon landing is a conspiracy but he'll believe the Jews run the World, there are still Commies everywhere and President Obama is a card-carrying member of 'Alkayda'. They'll have to go some in the madness stakes, however, to compete with their cousins over here, who believe that a dead team is still alive!

I read the other day that some porn star is going round in a van, inviting men, women and couples to join her for sex in the back. Now there's another money-making idea for Bisto FC. Why don't Sooperally, 'Boydy' and Miller all go round in a van and invite...no, let's leave it there. I'm even making myself sick thinking about it!

And finally, I'm still shamelessly plugging my new book. It's fiction, but it's based on the truth about what the Irish faced in Glasgow. Come on...you know you want to. It's not as if it's dear or anything!

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