RISIBLE RECORDS

You can just imagine the scenario. A teacher comes home from work after a hard day, dealing with wee neds that don't want to learn anything, fights, folk disappearing out of class, marking the work of those that do want to learn, planning the next's day's lessons and fending off the head teacher, who wants to discuss targets. The teacher slumps into a chair for a half-hour's rest and a quick snack before he has to reluctantly drag himself back out and into the car. He's playing football tonight; something he could see far enough. He's not looking forward to the game. Normally the team he and his team-mates are playing against are in exactly the same boat; they've all done a day's work too. Tonight, though, they're playing against a team of pampered professionals, whose only hard work involves turning up to training. They'll be lucky if they manage to keep the score down to single figures.

Of course, he and his team are pretty knackered and, although they try their best, they end up being trounced 6-1. And then, to add insult to injury, the team of pros starts bragging about beating records and what a fantastic team of players they are. And so, it's back home for something to eat and straight to bed for another day's graft tomorrow.

If Bisto FC really wanted bragging rights then they should insist that they only play league games on a Saturday, or, preferably, a Sunday. Yes, the other players will have done a week's work but at least they won't be running onto the field straight from a day's graft. If you have a look at the games that Bisto FC have played, then you will see that they don't do as well at the weekend than they do on weekday evenings. It doesn't take a genius to work out why. How about some fairness here? But, then, one thing they've never liked at Ibrox is a level playing field!

McMurdo hypocritically bangs on about sporting-mindedness in his blog, pointing out that Celtic has no competition whatsoever in Scotland. We get the usual tripe about 'tainted titles'. He says:

"It is no crime to be so much better than your opponents. However, if that superiority comes about because of misfortune befalling your competition, that is a whole other ball game."

So the misfortunes of Bisto FC are somehow down to Celtic? This is a really stupid argument. What was supposed to happen? Was Celtic supposed to hand over half their money to Ibrox to make sure there was 'effective competition'?

He talks about David Murray giving Rangers a 'financial advantage' and argues that there was nothing wrong with it. So leaving a trail of debts, cheating the tax man and relying on the tax payer to bail out his company, MIH, which had taken on many of Rangers' debts to the tune of £100m, is completely above board? There is also the little matter of Celtic nearly going out of business and having to rebuild under Fergus McCann. Didn't Rangers take advantage of Celtic's misfortunes then?

Meanwhile the sleekit campaign to get Celtic investigated continues. McMurdo says that things are going to come to a head, now that the story has reached the 'mainstream media'. The 'mainstream media' he's talking about happens to be the the Daily Mail! I'd hardly call that Nazi rag 'mainstream'! And one of the folk that posts on McMurdo's blog claims that "the most hated m.p. in britain inside the corridors of celtic park" is working hard on this case. Would that be the DUP MP that complained about banners at Celtic Park in the House of Commons? Obviously they couldn't find anyone respectable or with a bit of credibility to fight their corner, so they have to rely on some old bigot from Northern Ireland!

Auld Pishy is still beating the drum for the bedsheet wavers. He's going on now about Jim McColl receiving death threats at the Beechgrove Garden. Shock! Horror! He makes it sound like this is not a common occurrence among the Ibrox hordes. He seems to forget about the death threats received by Brian Stockbridge. And then we've got Neil Lennon, Kris Commons, Paul McBride, Trish Godman etc etc etc. It's the way they do things there. That's if they're not rioting in the streets and attacking policemen. No, I'm not talking about Belfast, I'm on about the Bisto stamping grounds in Lanarkshire, where an average of two police officers are attacked every day! I would blame the schools but I used to work in them!

I noticed in yesterday's Record somebody bragging about Sooperally winning the Golden Boot twice, whereas Henrik Larsson could only manage the once. Perhaps the one bragging should remember that Sooper won his awards, or, rather, would have won if they had been giving them out then, before they brought in the points system. This means that Larsson won his award on a level playing field, while Sooper got his at the expense of players in much tougher leagues. Some things never change, eh?

'Ah hope Ah've stull goat a joab efter this season! Diz embdy know if they've soarted oot 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' fur next year yit? Ah'll need tae gie thum a ring.'