JABBA THE AGNIVORE: IF YOU GOTTA MAKE A FOOL OF SOMEBODY

John Guidetti is being hauled up before the beak for singing on Swedish TV. His crime? The word 'huns' is in the song. Shock! Horror! To the disappointment of the...er...huns, it has been determined time and again that the word is not sectarian. So what's the problem? Former Compliance Officer, Vincent Lunny, who for once had his hearing aid in, told us exactly what the problem was: Guidetti is guilty of "making fun of Rangers". We can't have that now, can we?

Lunny goes on: "For me, the problem with this case and with the Griffiths case is you've got professionals who are making fun of other clubs in difficulty. People are losing their jobs within football and it's simply not appropriate for players to behave in public in that manner." What a load of mealy-mouthed shite! The SFA had no problem with creditors losing out while they tried to shoehorn Green's new club into the Premier League, pretending that it was still Rangers. It appears that it's fine to con folk and steal their money but criminal to sing a song pointing out this fact.

Next up will probably be the Hearts players that were singing 'Fuck Rangers' when they found out they'd won the Championship. Meanwhile the usual, disgusting song book was back out at Easter Road on Sunday. Is the SFA going to do anything about that? Lunny explains the SFA's get-out clause: "There are different standards between the fans and the players. The players are directly under the jurisdiction of the SFA, the fans are not." In other words, carry on singing, lads! He continues, "It would have to be fairly serious for a club to be prosecuted for fans singing something and probably would have to be a criminal-type scenario or grossly offensive for that to be done." Well that's settled that. According to the SFA, racism and religious bigotry are entirely legal and inoffensive.

I take it that if a club, as opposed to its supporters, were to 'make fun' of another club, causing offence, then it would be dealt with in the same way as a player would. I wait, with bated breath, to see the Ibrox club up on a charge for the following blaring out of the PA system every two weeks: "Celtic know all about their troubles..." What 'troubles' would those be? Not that that matters; whatever those 'troubles' are it appears the Ibrox club is 'making fun' of them. So where's the compliance officer? Maybe waiting with bated breath was a bad idea; my face is turning blue already!

I had to laugh at Paul Murray going on about how previous directors of the new club should be 'ashamed of themselves'. Is he kidding? Is he ashamed of being a part of the board that was dishing out EBTs? It's okay, then, to swindle HMRC but not okay to make money from a business. The ones that Murray is talking about actually acted within the law; unlike the old Rangers, who have already been found guilty on some counts and are awaiting the outcome of HMRC's appeal about the rest. If Murray wants something to be concerned about he should look up the law regarding a phoenix company with the same directors as the old one and its possible liability for the debts of the old company.

The short-termism at Bisto FC, meanwhile, continues with a £1.5m loan from the Three Bears. According to the Daily Record, this is an INVESTMENT! How the hell can an unsecured, interest-free loan be called an investment? I don't think any financial adviser would point customers toward 'investing' in that way! Paul Murray is a bit confused as well, saying, "We can and we will rebuild the club and this £1.5m investment is stage one of the process." For God's sake - IT'S NOT AN INVESTMENT!

According to the DR, the board decided to 'snub' Ashley's other £5m. That, however, is not the story Phil Mac Giolla Bhain tells. According to his source the 'snub' was actually in the opposite direction. And there's still going to be a wait for Honest Dave to put in any of his own money. Apparently, he's not parting with a penny until the 'fit and proper person' test is finished. In other words, if he doesn't get to be chairman then he's going to flounce back to the Veldt in an almighty huff, taking any money he has with him.

The big question, though, is how long it'll take to get through that £1.5m. Remember, at the end of January, the then board borrowed £5m from Big Mike. £3m of that was swallowed up immediately by the repayment of Ashley's previous loans. So, effectively, they had £2m to play with. It's taken only a matter of weeks for that to be used up, so that one-and-a-half million is going to last even less time. Once Ally's wages are paid for the month the players will need to fight it out to see who else gets paid! It looks like things are going to bump along exactly the way they did before the Real Raynjurz Men arrived.

But, never fear - Murray's here! He's already putting in place plans for a 'multi-million-pound' share issue. The last share issue was woefully undersubscribed and had no underwriter to back it up. Before that the big share issue to institutional investors had to be abandoned due to lack of interest. It's going to be totally different this time, though; investors will be falling over themselves now that the club is in the hands of...a convicted criminal. Er...they haven't really thought this one through, have they?

And a final word about Bisto FC. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that in every photo of Douglas Park he seems to be sucking a pickled onion?

On the political front, Jim Murphy is banging on about abolishing the Bedroom Tax, the tax that he, and others in his party, couldn't be bothered turning up at Westminster to vote on. He, and the Daily Record, point out that it's costing the Scottish Government £35m a year to mitigate the effects of this unfair measure. Strangely, though, this figure is never pointed out when they're highlighting the lack of funds in Scotland for the NHS etc. Strange that, eh?

And, just to top things off, the DR decides to tell us all about Nicola Sturgeon's coffee-making machine. Somebody at the paper watched Good Morning Britain, where Susanna Reid met Nicola Sturgeon at home. Not overly interested in the piece itself, the DR 'journalist' kept his or her eyes on the background, desperately hoping to spot something incriminating. And there it was - a De’Longhi Prima Donna Avant cappuccino and espresso machine! A quick Google search and there was the price - a cool £1,395! That, as the Record delights in telling us, is more than the monthly take-home pay of a chef, a butcher, a hospital porter or a gardener (Sooperally excepted, of course). I mean...for fuck's sake! I've got a plasma telly that cost me about £1200 nine years ago; presumably I should be ashamed of myself!

Finally, can I ask anybody that's read 'Fear and Smear' to please write a review on Amazon. Thanks.