LAND OF THE DINOSAURS

There are three separate stories in the paper at the moment, which might not seem linked but, which, in fact, are. The first is Jeremy Clarkson being sacked from the BBC. Many folk are up in arms about it and over a million people have signed a petition to have him kept on. They keep banging on about how Top Gear is one of the BBC's most popular programmes and how it's a huge moneyspinner, being sold to various countries overseas. It seems that punching somebody in the mouth and verbally abusing him is perfectly acceptable; as long as you're bringing the money in. No doubt they'd all feel the same way if some guy sat in the pub all evening after work and battered his wife because she'd gone to bed instead of waiting to make his dinner!

I've never been a fan of Top Gear, even back in the days of Michael Rodd and Angela Rippon. I'm just not that interested in cars. I made the mistake of watching the modern version once; three old, middle-class blokes pretending to be cool with their shite about fast cars etc. I found it quite sad and pathetic, really. But there's no accounting for taste and the three sad, old fuckers are extremely popular, as the massive petition proves. Surely these folk can see, however, that it doesn't matter how popular you are, you can't get away with just lashing out at people. To some of us there are more important things than money; common decency for one!

In a seemingly unconnected story, the Daily Record has been crying over the plight of our poor publicans, who have been hit hard by the new law on drinking and driving. Instead of downing a pint or two at lunchtime, as they used to, folk are avoiding the pub altogether. Not only that, but they're not hitting the pub after work either and if they do, they're drinking a lot less than they used to, worried about the alcohol showing up in their bloodstream when they drive to work the next morning. It's getting so serious that many pubs have had to lay off staff and there's concern that some might to have to close down. Obviously this is something that we should all be up in arms about; as far as the Daily Record is concerned at any rate. How dare that nasty Scottish Government take the food out of the mouths of our hard-working publicans!

On the other hand, according to the police, there were a lot fewer arrests for drunk-driving over the Festive period and a lot fewer accidents as well. No doubt the Record will be complaining that doctors, nurses and paramedics are losing their jobs because of these selfish bastards that aren't drinking and almost killing themselves and others! Presumably they think we should all be drinking as much as we want before getting behind the wheel. After all, we've got to think of the economy. 

And then we come to Bisto FC. Neil Lennon has now been dragged into toeing the party line that we need Rangers (sic) 'back' into the top league for the good of Scottish football. It's the same argument we've had to listen to from the agnivores for the past couple of years. It doesn't matter how many people were diddled out of their money, or how much tax wasn't paid; all that's important is that we get more folk through the turnstiles. Mind you, considering how The Peeppul are always going on about how it's everybody else's fault and they're going to get their revenge, it's debatable whether they would actually turn up at away games anyway. Still, we've got to think of the economy.

Obviously there are some folk that can't understand that money isn't everything. And that's not the only thing that connects these three stories. The same chauvinism runs through them all. To the ones signing the petition about Clarkson, their hero embodies everything they miss about the 'good' old days. They're the kind of xenophobic, racist arseholes that think Britannia should still be ruling the waves and that Johnny Foreigner should know his place. You know the type; the kind that'll say, "I believe in calling a spade a spade," and then disingenuously claim that they're talking about a gardening implement.

It's the same with the drink-driving law. Exactly the same right-wing shiteheads will go on about 'nanny states' and the like. The Government shouldn't be legislating for how we behave. And not only that; Scotland's new law brings us into line with other European countries. Now, there's a red rag to a bull. Mention 'Europe' to these people and they'll start foaming at the mouth and gibbering things about 'Britain First' and 'UKIP'. Who cares how many lives are saved? All that matters is that we're being dictated to by Johnny Foreigner yet again.

It's easy to see where The Peeppul come into all this. Scotland, to its shame, has one UKIP MEP. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who voted for him. Again it's Johnny Foreigner to blame for all their woes, in the shape of Irish Catholics and their descendants. It's all been an evil conspiracy by the 'Fenians' to destroy their club and their 'way of life'. Even Europe is in on it; they won't do a thing about Celtic's 'state aid', even though The Peeppul know, for an absolute fact, that it's been going on for years.

So three stories, which at first appear separate but which are interconnected. The right-wing racists in the UK are fighting a rearguard action against the modern world. They can't believe that everyone they hate is being treated as an equal and they can't understand it either. Much better to transpose their own twisted view of the world onto others and see it all as a conspiracy against their 'values' and 'way of life'. If they had their way we'd still have slavery and be sending children up chimneys!

An example of this was on display at Hampden last night. A crowd of bigots, under the guise of supporting the Northern Ireland football team, came to Glasgow to sing about their hatred of Catholics. Incredibly, our media thought this not worth mentioning. No doubt there'll be no mention of it in today's papers either. Despite what they might say to the contrary, this silence is tantamount to condoning the bigotry; in fact, more than that, it's collusion. If you have the nerve to complain about it then you're condemned as being part of the problem and being as bad as the ones singing. As I said, they're fighting a rearguard action and transposing their twisted way of looking at things onto the rest of us.

Of course, there's humour in any situation if you care to look for it and it was there last night. Like most bigots, those ones don't understand irony and would be singing with a perfectly straight face. Me? I thought it was funny that a shower, whose families have lived in Ireland for a few hundred years but they still pretend to be Scottish, were over in Scotland telling me that I should 'go home'!

Finally, I see somebody heeded my call and another review has gone up on Amazon. Any chance of some more? The page has been infiltrated by Union-Flag-waving huns, slagging my book off even thought they haven't read it. I could do with some support here, folks!

"Hello, playmates! It's your old pal, Big-Hearted Bill Struth again. You know, things were a lot easier back in my day. Everybody knew their place and if any foreign scum wanted to start trouble we'd soon be over there to sort them out. Well, some of us had to stay in the shipyards to hold the jackets, but you know what I mean. And there was no such thing as drink-driving laws or breathalysers back then. If the police were to stop you when you were driving, there would be no bother whatsoever, especially if you were wearing a Rangers tie and masonic cuff-links! And, of course, if I turned up anywhere without a hot meal to tuck into, the one responsible would receive a punch in the mouth faster than you can say 'Man overboard'! Ah, things were simpler then, but a lot better for it. Ayyyyyyyythenkyaowwwwww!"