GERIATRICS, GENIUSES AND GERS

There was drama in yesterday's Scottish Cup quarter-finals draw. El Presidente, Alan McRae, almost did the unthinkable. The drill had been explained to him: the ball that's been heated a bit in the microwave has got Sevco in it. Make sure you get Celtic (the one that's been in the freezer) out the way first before drawing the Sevco ball; we can't have those bastards laughing at our team being hammered by them! As arranged, McRae got Celtic out of the way before picking the Sevco ball. Unfortunately he made a complete arse of it. He picked out the ball that had 'Dumbarton or Dundee' for the Home team and then lifted the next one. Being a bit on the old side, McRae's circulation is not all it could be, so he hadn't noticed that he'd picked up the warm ball. His blood must have frozen when he took out the slip of paper and saw his mistake. He was setting Sevco up, if they managed to defeat Kilmarnock, for an AWAY draw! He bumbled and muttered something about there "being a problem here". A quick story was made up about an open ball and the draw was redone; properly this time. Phew! Very nearly a catastrophe!
 
The Daily Record decided to wheel out (if you'll pardon the pun) 'financial genius' Kieran Prior once again. It's strange that an article that is reporting an interview doesn't have a single inverted comma in the whole piece. Anyway, this demon of the stock market is advising Dave King to pursue Ashley through the courts, completely ignoring the fact that Honest Dave is skint while Ashley has almost unlimited resources. If that's the kind of financial advice this guy gives, then it's no wonder that he's always dressed as if his mammy got his clothes down at the local Oxfam shop. Even his wheelchair looks as if it's seen better days. We're constantly being told how this guy is a 'former Goldman Sachs trader', which immediately begs the question as to why he's not anymore. 
 
Apparently, the Daily Record earlier claimed that Prior had an IQ of 234, which is seemingly well beyond mere genius level. This bit of the article was later removed but, luckily, the Celtic Blog took a screenshot and we can all still have a laugh. (Thanks go to Hector for providing the link over on Bampots Utd.) It got me thinking about IQs and reminded me of the time I tried out a book, called 'Find Your Own IQ'; it was lying about my ma's house for some unknown reason. The book recommended that you do a few of the tests before marking them and then work out an average. I did five of the tests and couldn't help noticing that they got easier as I went along, since I was getting used to the style of questioning and what was expected. When I marked them, using the answers at the back, the fifth test I'd done showed an IQ way off the radar, even beyond Kieran Prior levels! This particular test, and the high score on the fourth one, made my average approach the mid-200s. Now, I can be a real arrogant bastard about my intelligence but even I could see that the whole thing was a load of shite. I've been sceptical about IQs ever since. If Keiran Prior has got one of the highest IQs ever recorded, then it completely proves my point since, as the Celtic Blog points out, he's been investing in a loss-making venture with a parade of crooks at the helm! Then again, maybe he's been the master manipulator behind everything; a sort of Sevconian Keyser Soze.
 
Probably the best laugh in the DR is their article asking if Nacho Novo is a 'legend'. If they wanted an affirmative answer to that, they should have asked Novo himself as he certainly thinks he deserves legendary status. Actually, Novo was an average player, who never achieved anything of note outside of Rangers, which is a telling fact. His goals were mostly achieved by employing Auld Dignity's favourite technique; one that Kenny Miller was adept at exploiting as well. An opposition player would be fouled and while everyone's attention was focused on what was an obvious free kick, Novo would sneak in with the ball and score. As to his assertion that he 'said NO', it is always forgotten that Martin O'Neill didn't actually want him. He's hardly the stuff of legend. Then again, for a support that voted an out-and-out thug like John Greig as the 'Greatest Ever Ranger', maybe Novo deserves his place in that particular pantheon!
 
Finally, there's recently been a plethora of videos on online editions of newspapers, showing operations and disgusting things like abscesses being lanced, pimples being squeezed etc. At least you get the choice about clicking on the video or not. I remember a few years ago these kind of things used to be shown on TV, usually on the likes of 'The One Show' when folk were having their evening meal. I wrote a poem about it at the time:


There's nothin' mair scunnerin', an' it fair leaves ye wunnerin'
Jist what they ur thinkin' aboot
When ye jist start yer tea an' then oan the TV
There's a guy wi' ays arse hingin' oot.

It's a big operation tae cure constipation,
He's no' went fur nearly a year.
The cameras ur rollin', an' there's wan in ays colon
In HD, so you'll see it clear.

Ye shun yer fish fingers when the camera lingers
Oan what it is causin' the block.
No wanny yer chips has gone near yer lips;
Ye've forgotten them due tae the shock.

The surgeons expel it, ye can near enough smell it
As a year's worth-a waste aw comes doon.
Ye've never seen worse an' ye let oot a curse
As yer stomach it burls roon' an' roon'.

Yer appetite's flown an' ye let oot a groan
Cos ye don't feel in very good nick.
Ye swear like a navvy as ye run fur the lavvy
Cos ye think that ye're gonnae bae sick.

A law should bae passed that they canny broadcast
They things till past nine o'cloak.
It's no' actin' fairly tae show programmes early
That jist end up gie'n ye the boak!

"Oh, fuck!"