NOTHING QUITE LIKE IT FOR COOLING THE BLOOD.

I tuned into the second half on Wednesday night and my first shock wasn't the score; it was the state of that pitch, if you could call it that. It looked more like the kind of terrain Hector might traverse in his plus-fours as he looks to murder innocent, unsuspecting deer! It was pretty obvious that Celtic couldn't cope with the ground, just as they couldn't cope at Hampden last week. (Do you think Hampden will be in that state when the final of the Petomane Cup is played?) It highlights a major deficiency in Celtic's training methods, as they should be looking at different ways of playing on different surfaces. There is also the old adage of 'horses for courses' and there's no point in sending out a team of silky-skilled players onto a quagmire where every pass is stopped dead in its tracks after a few feet by a hole or a divot.
 
When a pitch is as badly cut-up as that there is more chance of injury to players, which might well explain why Ronny Deila doesn't train on that kind of surface. But, then, why should he expect his players to train in mud just because other clubs won't make sure their pitches are playable? And we're not talking about some Junior League team here; this is Aberdeen, who should surely have enough money to keep the pitch in a decent state. It's the same with Hampden. Is the SFA honestly happy with  the world laughing at what passes as a playing field in our national stadium?
 
And now we've got Bobby Connor, ex Aberdeen 'ace', saying in the Daily Record that "the fact Celtic aren’t running away with it is a disgrace from their point of view." The article goes on about huge budgets, spending more than anyone else, blah...blah...blah. Funnily enough, I don't remember anyone saying that about Sevco when they failed to get out of the Championship at the first time of asking. Sevco also isn't 'running away with it' this season either, despite their team being the second-dearest in Scotland. I do remember, though, that plenty of excuses were made for Sooperally's team because of the standard of the pitches they had to play on. Apparently such pitches were shameful, so how much more shameful is it for top-tier teams to have to play on the same kind of surface?
 
This might sound like I'm making excuses. Too bloody right I am! Is it too much to expect that pitches in the Premiership, or at our national stadium, are up to standard, instead of just being suited to the kind of 'thump it and lump it' style of play employed by Aberdeen on Wednesday? It seems that the way to beat Celtic now is to get a local farmer in to churn up the pitch with a plough just before they come visiting. Can you imagine the furore if Barcelona or the like turned up for a European tie and was expected to play on that? They'd probably refuse; and rightly so. It's time some kind of standard was set for playable surfaces and clubs should be fined if they don't provide them.
 
Meanwhile, Sevco has finally got round to giving notice to Sports Direct. The Daily Traynor, of course, is all over the story, trumpeting it as magnificent news, even though the contract still has another seven years to run! Honest Dave must have broken a mirror somewhere by trying to look in it. The Peeppul are treated to the usual, triumphalist guff, which is sounding more and more desperate. Honest Dave is quoted extensively, obviously missing out some important points, like the truth for starters!
 

"An unanticipated investment [dodgy loan] was made to pay off the Sports Direct loan and to recover all security held by Sports Direct. That has now been completed [until Big Mike points out another clause in the small print] and the club has formally given notice to end the relationship with Sports Direct while still reserving our right to proceed with challenges to the existing suite of contracts and side agreements in a court of law [Masonic judges urgently required]."
 

"There has been substantial investment in Auchenhowie. [Ally's been in to cut the grass.] This has resulted in the broken operation that we inherited last year now being fully-functional again. [No more trips to Pizza Hut] This entailed a complete revamp of the personnel, technology and infrastructure [We've hired a man with an iPhone and that leaky tap's been fixed] and further investment is planned [If those Chinese gangsters are still willing to lend. Tongs ya bass!]."

 

"There has also been necessary investment into the infrastructure and facilities at Ibrox. [Leggat's pish has finally been mopped up and there's a new lavvy roll in one of the cubicles.] The stadium and its surrounds were severely neglected by prior Boards that were intent on massive cost-cutting measures. Further significant investment is required at Ibrox and the board is presently considering a programme of work [A couple of tins of paint nicked out the shipyard.] to ensure that it is returned to its status as one of the best and most iconic stadiums in Britain. [So keep up the singing, lads!] Given the scale of what is required this will take some time to complete. [i.e. Yer weans will be in their cold, cold graves before it transpires.]"

"The club invested substantially pre-season in new player and management contracts. [Those side letters have been shown to be perfectly acceptable by a Law Lord.] This was necessary to provide a team that could play attractive football [take penalties] while competing in the Championship [against part-timers] with the aim of securing promotion to the Premiership next season. The players and management will continue to pursue these objectives for the balance of the season. [Unless we go bust.]
The Board also promised the manager he would have access to funds in the January transfer window if he felt players [Action Man's Heids] were available to bring in early and improve the overall squad in advance of next season. The manager has taken advantage of this opportunity [he got ONE player he wanted] and will also now commence the identification of players [big, hacking bastards] to further improve the squad during the close season. [Anybody lend us some players? No reasonable offer refused.]"

"Work is ongoing to merge the existing supporters groups. [McMurdo and his mob will be banned for life.] The new organisation that emerges will provide Rangers fans with a way to get even closer to the club and to increase the supporter shareholding position. [Geeze yer money!]
Overall, the club is in a substantially better position – on and off the pitch – than it has been for some time. [Which isn't saying much.] The Board continues to ensure that the club is run within the balance required to secure success on the pitch while simultaneously funding the cash shortfall that is required [with more and more dodgy loans] until we have a sustainable business model. [And then all those loan sharks will have to be paid back. That's when I'm off back to the Veldt.]
The club has not secured fair value for much of its expenditure over the last few years. [Especially when you include Sooperally's wage packet.] Under the present Board that is no longer the case. [But, for fuck's sake, don't ask to see the books!]

Aye, onwards and upwards, eh?

I haven't been writing as much on here recently since I'm currently working on a follow-up to 'Fear and Smear' ('Son of Fear and Smear - The Revenge' or something like that.) I hope to have this available before the elections for the Scottish Parliament.

My wife is cooking lamb on Sunday for dinner. My daughter's partner is a Hibby so is looking forward to Sunday's match. My daughter's going to phone across when the dinner's ready, when he's going to pause the match until he's eaten. If anybody texts him about the game he's just going to say, "Paused for lamb shank." Now, I'm all for folk being fanatical about their team, but that's taking things too far!

 

Warbs makes sure he's ready in the event that Sevco fails to gain promotion.