TIES

A long time ago I worked in a museum in Edinburgh that was run by a charity. The character in charge did a runner to London when he was charged with sexually abusing a young guy. He was dragged back, stood trial and was found guilty. It was only then that it was discovered that he and his friend had ripped the place off to the tune of thousands of pounds. Both of them were ousted and that was the last I thought I would hear of them.

A few years later I could not believe my eyes when the two names were in the newspaper. They had both inveigled their way into another charity and had stolen a couple of hundred thousand between them. I found out then that one of them was an ex-lawyer, who had done time in prison for defrauding Strathclyde Regional Council. So how the hell did they manage to get taken on again and trusted with money?

The answer is simple. Both of them had been educated at fee-paying schools in Edinburgh. The old school tie counts for a lot in the capital! If you've been at the 'right' kind of school then nobody is going to pry too deeply into your past; you're obviously a fine, upstanding gentleman and completely trustworthy. Not only that, but if you go for a job, a bank loan or the like, you will find that you were at school with the son, daughter, niece or nephew of the man making the decision.

This is what happened in the case of one David Murray, who attended Edinburgh Academy and was one of the stars of the rugby team until his car accident. The Bank of Scotland fell over itself to extend him loans and credit; or rather, the people in charge of such loans and credit, who were based in Edinburgh, handed almost unlimited cash to one of their own. Murray was losing money hand-over-fist but that didn't stop his chums in Edinburgh giving him more and more.

In his desperate attempts to make Rangers a force in Europe, Murray ran up debts of over £100 million. This debt was absorbed into Murray International Holdings. The failed share issue was also absorbed into MIH, to the tune of about £50 million. Remember, these were still debts; MIH wasn't paying them off, it was absorbing them, taking it in among its other debts. Meanwhile the old school tie kept doing its job and Murray kept spending more and more on his vanity project.

Considering the way The Bank of Scotland operated, it wasn't long before trouble arose and the bank was taken over by Lloyds. Lloyds immediately set about trying to recoup the money that had been recklessly loaned out by the old-school-tie-wearers on The Mound. This meant that Murray was suddenly faced with having to pay money back, the same as everyone else.

Of course, Murray couldn't afford to do any such thing and the debt of MIH to Lloyds stood at around £1 billion! Remember, that included the Rangers' debts the company had absorbed. Lloyds had to take a quarter stake in MIH while Murray frantically tried to offload assets. He has managed to get the debt down a bit but the company is still running at a massive loss, which affects Lloyds as a major shareholder. It also affects the ordinary tax payer, since Lloyds is state-owned. So, really, the tax payer is absorbing the debts of Murray's company, including the debts of Rangers FC, the latter of which on their own run into nine figures!

All of which makes rather laughable the desperate attempts of the Bisto Kids to make out that Celtic have received special favours from Glasgow City Council and the Co-operative Bank. They're sending letters and e-mails to everybody from the EU to the Dalai Lama, hoping that somebody, somewhere will investigate and shut down Celtic and strip titles from them. Do they really want to go down this road, considering everything their old club got up to?

And yet another claim that Bisto FC are going to be taken 'back' to the top. This time it's an ex-director, Ian Hart, who says that the current board has "the quality and strength to take Rangers forward.” He also says that the Krays are great for Bisto and that "in all his dealings" with the Krays he has "found them to be pretty sound guys." Is he absolutely sure he wants to be discussing such 'dealings' in a newspaper?

Sooperally has reiterated his support for the current board, especially the new chairman, Mr Blobby, with whom he hasn't really spoken as yet. “He’s keen to let me know what his plans for the club are and he’s trying to get things done, which is great," says Sooper. As long as he's going to keep the current wage structure in place that's all that really matters to Sooperally and his agent, Mr Gregg. Never mind what Mr Blobby's plans are, wait until The Laxative unveils his grand scheme. I hope to Christ for Sooperally's sake that he's still got Sue Barker's phone number!

The Pied Piper of Govan

(With apologies to Robert Browning)

Debts!
They were owed to East and North and South,
The club was living hand to mouth.
From paper shop to workers' creche,
They all desired their pound of flesh.
It made the bluenoses quite sick,
And caused no end of consternation,
With worrying talk of liquidation,
And made the taigs cry out with glee
At every new catastrophe.
Things needed to be sorted quick.


At last The Peeppil in a body
To the Big Hoose came flocking:
``Tis clear,'' cried they, ``our Chairman's a noddy;
``And as for our boardroom -- shocking
``To think we buy suits and club ties
``For dolts that only tell us lies
``And a manager that guzzles pies!
``You hope, because you're old and obese,
``To find in the leather brown brogues ease?
``Rouse up, sirs! Give your brains a racking
``To find the remedy we're lacking,
``Or, sure as fate, we'll send you packing!''
At this the board - oh, what a sight!
Quaked with a mighty smell of shite.

``Come in!'' -- the board cried, looking bigger
And in did come the strangest figure!
His queer long coat from heel to head
Was half of blue and half of red,
And he himself was tall and thin,
With googly eyes, each like a pin,
And light loose hair, yet pale-white skin
No tuft on cheek nor beard on chin,
But lips where smile went out and in;
There was no guessing his kith and kin:
And nobody could enough admire
The tall man and his quaint attire.
Quoth one: ``It's as my great-grandsire,
``Starting up at the Trump of Doom's tone,
``Had walked this way from his painted tombstone!''

 The strange man played upon a flute
And the debts from the Big Hoose did shoot.
He took them away with ne'er a fuss
To the fabled land of Ticketus.
You should have heard The Peeppil cheer
A saviour had come to quell their fear.
The man had saved the team in blue
And promised front-loaded warchests too!
But a fickle bunch are the boys in blue
And soon the cheers they turned to boos.
The man sold the Arsenal shares and left
Leaving The Peeppil all bereft.
Another saviour came along,
Full of bluster, tea and song.
But to The Peeppil's great surprise,
This was the first man in disguise!

The flute's tune, it once more did call
But  this time The Peeppil were in its thrall.
And under the spell of the magic flute
The man he gathered in the loot.
Giros, cash, he took the lot;
He took The Peeppil for all they'd got.
To Division Three he made them dance
Then buggered off to the South of France.
But one poor lad was left behind
He couldn't keep up with the rest of his kind.
For he was lame and ended up on his own
To eat his succulent lamb alone.

The moral of this story true
Is plain for all the world to view
If you want to avoid the fate of those dancers
Then pay yer bloody debts, ya chancers!