JABBA THE AGNIVORE

SCOTLAND'S MESSI?

When I was a lad we used to play at football in the back court. There was a set of railings for one goal and a midden dyke for the other. Depending on who was about the games could range from four to sixteen a side! We didn't really bother who won. It was all good fun and usually ended when folk started to get shouted in for their dinner or bed or whatever.

On a few occasions the dad of one of the boys would come down and join in. None of us wanted him but we were in no position to tell him where to go. He was about forty and could easily muscle all us skinny ten and eleven-year-olds off the ball. Needless to say, he scored lots of goals. Whenever he scored he would run around with his hands in the air celebrating, looking at all the windows to see if anyone was watching him. Behind his back we would call him all the names you can think of for male and female genitalia! Eventually, if he turned up we would all drift off to play at something else. He finally got the message and kept away.

Equally, a highly-paid SPL footballer should be expected to score with relative ease against part-time players. The Scottish Cup sometimes throws up some such circumstances and few of us would think one of our players was magnificent for scoring against one of these teams, filled with guys that work at a real job all week and then turn up to play at the weekend.

That is why it is hilarious to read the plaudits that the Daily Record are handing out to Lee McCulloch. 'Prolific Goalscorer' they call him. They talk about his 'extraordinary run of goals' and his 'impressive tally for the season'! Are they joking? Shouldn't somebody paid as much as he is be expected to out-perform teams of part-timers? The fact that his team is winning games by only a couple of goals really points to the fact that McCulloch and his team-mates are really not that good at all!

The Daily Record, in its wisdom, seems to be building McCulloch up as Player of The Year. However, just like that grown man that used to score bucketloads against us children, he is just a medium-sized fish in a small pond!

Ah scored against the weans again!