SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Remember when you were going home from primary school and you'd hear the cry, 'Fight!'? Everybody would run to watch and there'd nearly be more fights as folk elbowed each other out of the way to get the best vantage point. Sometimes you'd get there just in time to see somebody crying and the other person standing triumphant, receiving the plaudits of his mates. It's a primal thing and if you get a gang fight on the street you can be sure that everyone that lives on that street is watching with the lights out so as not to be conspicuous.

Like I said, it's a primal thing and, unfortunately, that's what Scottish football means to most folk. More specifically, that's what the Old Firm derby meant to most folk. Celtic vs Rangers games were broadcast around the world and could attract bigger TV audiences than Champions League finals. The problem was that nobody was watching it for the skill on display; which was just as well since it was often severely lacking. No. What everyone wanted was blood. Referees getting hit with coins, pitch invasions, fans, and even players, kicking lumps out of each other, managers squaring up to each other and moronic players trying to start a riot among the crowd; that's what the worldwide audience wanted to see. If it turned out to be a normal game, with no trouble, you could virtually hear the huge sigh of disappointment rising up to the heavens.

The game is missing its edge, we are told. The excitement has gone. But, really, is that the kind of 'excitement' and 'edge' we want in our game? The rest of the world would nod their heads; they want a gladiatorial show that they can tut-tut and shake their heads at in hypocritical self-righteousnes. Going back to the fights at school, I only ever saw one fight at St. Margaret Mary's Secondary in the three years I was there. I had not been at the school long when there was a fight outside the gates at four o'clock one day. The usual crowd gathered round, but instead of cheering on their favourite, they all proceded to spit all over the two comabatants. This, apparently, was what usually happened when there was a fight. No wonder there were very few public fights and no wonder I never saw another one!

This is analogous to the Old Firm matches. Everybody watched them, patiently waiting for bloodshed, and ready to condemn it when it arrived. An Old Firm game was viewed as just a fight with a ball in the middle and, just like the pupils at the Big Maggie's, they were all ready to spit all over us. Other Scottish matches were just 'boring' in comparison and nobody was the slightest bit interested.

So what is the game going to come to? Are we going to pander to the Lowest Common Denominator and hanker after the TV money, playing the fool for the rubber neckers? Or are we going to rebuild our game from scratch? Believe it or not, rebuilding from scratch is exactly where we are at the moment.

'Where's all the money gone?' is this moment's big cry. The answer is easy: it was never there in the first place. Remember how in the 90s we all used to moan about how stingy Fergus McCann was, not spending to keep pace with Rangers? Even into the early years of this century the board at Celtic was castigated for not spending big. The fact of the matter is that the money simply wasn't there to do it. At the time we didn't know that Rangers were spending money that they didn't have. They were in debt to the tune of £100m, which had to be absorbed by MIH. Also absorbed by MIH was the loss incurred by the disastrous share issue as well as other debts. And yet Mr Dignity and Dick Advocaat continued to spend like there was no tomorrow. Now we know how they did it and the whole thing ended in tears. The tax payer is lumbered  with trying to get money back from the bankrupt MIH while Rangers itself went belly-up.

Look at what happened to Hearts, Dunfermline and other clubs. All they tried to do was to keep up and nearly died doing it. With hindsight we can see that Celtic did the right thing and we still have the same club with its history intact and unbroken. Realising that, why is everybody now shouting for Celtic to start spending again? The Nineties and Noughties were a fairy tale, an illusion, and we need to get the game back to where it was and should have been building from. It's going to take patience but it needs to be done. Either that or Celtic just throws in its lot with the Ibrox mob and we give the telly people what they want. Which would you prefer?

Peter Lawwell pointing out the money that Celtic has missed out on due to the disappearance of Rangers is not an endorsement of the plan to shoehorn the new club into the SPL two years ago. It's simply stating the fiscal reality of the current situation. The Peeppul, however, see it as some kind of mea culpa and are frothing at the mouth over it. "See! See! Wae telt yez an' yez widnae listen. Scotland needs a strong Raynjurz. Even Lawwell's admittin' it noo!" That, however, is what historians call a right load of pish! It seems, though, that the Ibrox board is being taken in by this argument as well.

How else do you explain the fact that they're still signing players when they can barely scrape together a shilling for the meter? It makes no sense unless you look at The Peeppul's reaction to what Lawwell said. Who needs to worry about going bust when you can just start again and pretend that nothing's happened? And this time they'll expect their new team to go straight into the top tier. Scottish football needs Raynjurz. After all, didn't Peter Lawwell say so himself?

Meanwhile the Better Together campaign is getting more and more desperate. Somebody threw an egg at Jim Murphy as he stood on a soapbox peddling his shite. The Daily Record was on hand to get a picture of the perpetrator, and even circled the hand holding the egg for the hard-of-thinking. Now, you would think, wouldn't you, that the law-abiding photographer would inform one of the police officers, who must have been present, that they guy had an egg in his hand and it was doubtful that it was part of a packed lunch. But, not a bit of it. This casts some doubt on the whole scenario. Also suspicious is that fact that nobody in Murpy's camp has been in touch with the police to make a complaint against the individual, whose ugly mug is there for all to see. Murphy did, however, cancel a couple of speaking engagements on the advice of the boys in blue. You don't think the whole thing was a set-up, do you? Surely our politicians wouldn't stoop so low?

McMurdo and his acolytes are all over the story, claiming that intimidation is the chosen tactic of the YES campaign etc etc. Remind me, which country is the only country in the world at the moment to have raised the level of alertness of an imminent attack? I'd certainly call that intimidation. And what about the plans for The Peeppul to spread their bile in Edinburgh in the run-up to the referendum? If that's not intimidation then I don't know what is. A few nasty comments on Twitter is hardly in the same league, is it?

McMurdo and his disciples also claim that the YES campaign's 'intimidatory tactics' have been learned from Irish Republicans. They're all against democracy, apparently. Remind me, when a democratically-elected (or as near to democratic as you got at the time) government, with a clear mandate for Irish Home Rule, tried to put through the measure, who bought weapons from Germany to fight against it? When peaceful demonstrations took place for civil rights in Ulster in the 1960s, who responded with violence? Who escalated said violence by attacking innocent people in their own homes? And who has made many veiled threats of violent resistance to a democratically-chosen independent Scotland? I rest my case, M'Lud!

And staying with the referendum, I think Alex Salmond should send a vote of thanks to the Bisto Kids for their banner yesterday, which advocated a NO vote. That should immediately send all decent-minded, undecided people into the YES camp!

"Here, Ah hope thur no' gonnae sell any-y ma star players tae raise money, 'n 'at!"

Nothing at all to worry about there, my dear Alistair! Nobody wants them and even if they did they'd be lucky to raise the price of a Pensioner's Pony and a packet of Cheese 'n' Onion!

TORCKY THE TWAT

Do you remember that game 'Stop the Bus'? I used to play it in the classroom sometimes when it was getting near the school holidays or we were going somewhere and had an hour or so to kill. One of the funniest answers was from a boy that gave an animal beginning with 'D'. Knowing that most people would have 'dog' he came up with a different one - 'djraff'! Anyway, the game always involved having a boy's name and a girl's name and it occurred to me, while reading the Daily Record, that if anyone had come up with the name 'Torcuil' he'd have been laughed at just as much as the 'djraff' lad. I mean, who calls their child that? It would be easier, in a game of 'Stop the Bus' to believe it was an animal; some kind of Latin-American anteater or some such!

The Record's own Torcuil, of the Crichton clan, was on hand yesterday to tell us how folk travelling on a train from Carlisle to Dumfries felt about Scottish independence. It was the usual skewed DR piece, pretending to be balanced while beating the Better Together drum. Torcky couldn't help but stick his own oar in, letting us know his predictable feelings on the matter. One little gem jumped out at me from the article. He talks of the short train journey thus: "It could whisk travellers north from one of the oldest political unions on the planet to one of the newest nation states on the block." Now there's a startling, and telling, revelation.

So according to Torcky, who no doubt toes the Record's editorial line, Scotland will be a completely new nation. When the Scottish Parliament was dissolved that was it; all the history, goodwill etc etc was gone. What rose afterwards was a completely new entity, and an independent Scotland will be an even newer one. So even though it will be called Scotland, with its parliament in Edinburgh, with the same laws etc it will be a new nation. There's something strangely familiar there but I can't quite put my finger on it. Do you think the DR would feel the same way about any other entity that was dissolved and then started over?

Meanwhile we were treated to the story of a bunch of Tory-supporting business magnates signing some petition against independence. This shower included the Tunnocks and the Baxters. They cited 'uncertainty' as their main concern but are bare-faced liars; they actually couldn't be more certain about what will happen come independence and it scares the shit out of them. Like many companies, they dodge out of paying a decent wage by using 'zero-hours' contracts. This is smiled upon by the Westminster Government but they know full well that it wouldn't be tolerated in a fairer Scotland. Somebody called for a boycott of their products and I think that they're right. I certainly wouldn't miss Baxter's soup, a week, watery product, but I'll definitely miss Tunnock's tea cakes. Still, I won't be putting any more money into the bastards' pockets!

And it seems congratulations are in order. Lee McCulloch (I love the way the DR describes him as 'Rangers Ace'!) has set a record as the first Ger (sic) to score in all four leagues and in all Scotland's cup competitions. Which begs the question: if he's only the first Ger (sic) to do it, who has done it before him? It just shows how much it matters; I can't be bothered trying to find out. The DR doesn't, however, mention his other record: being a loser in every cup competition in Scotland!

Speaking of cups and losers, Bisto FC have been handed a potential leg-up by the powers-that-be at the SPFL. If, and it's a big if, (but, then, the referee's always on hand) Bisto manage to beat Inverness then they well go into the pot as one of the seeded teams, avoiding having to play any of the bigger boys. The excuse is that Bisto could not play their game against Queens Park because Ibrox was being used for the Commonwealth Games. The fact that it was an away fixture seems not to matter. So the game was postponed and, as a spokesman for the SPFL bleats, Bisto FC is a round behind. Now, the draw hasn't even been made for the third-round matches but it's been decided that, for some strange reason, we need to know who the seeded teams will be right now. Obviously Inverness would be in that hallowed company so it has been decided that whoever wins the Bisto v ICT game will be seeded. Honest mistakes, eh?

Over on the right side of the tracks, there's a story that Virgil Van Dijk might want to move on now that Celtic are out of the Champions League. Apparently he wants to play at the 'highest level' and feels that the Europa League is somehow beneath him. Now, it has to be said that this story is in the Daily Record, which immediately casts doubt on its veracity but if it is true then Van Dijk has got some neck! Perhaps if you'd played better, son, then Celtic would be in the group stages! You were part of the team that lost against Maribor so, like it or not, you are no more 'Champions League' level than the rest of them! Now shut up, play better or piss off!

Staying with the Champions, McMurdo yesterday decided to educate us on something we already know: that Celtic don't have as much money as some folk seem to think. My God, this guy is wasted on the blogosphere; he should be out using those massive powers of deduction to solve the crimes the police find baffling. Honestly, though, a five-year-old could tell you that no matter how much is coming into Celtic Park it is nowhere near the vast sums of money raked in by the European big boys. Downsizing? Of course Celtic has been downsizing. Like every other club in Scotland, Celtic had to overspend just to try to keep up with the cheats at Ibrox. Now those days are gone and Scottish football is re-adjusting to get back to the kind of spending that is more reasonable. There's only one club, a new one, that hasn't learned the lesson; McMurdo and his disciples would do far better to worry about that!

And today, McMurdo unveils a new header and then writes a post that completely undermines his slogan, 'semper reformanda'. 'Always reforming' it means; that is, that the individual and the church should be constantly self-examining to see if they are doing the right thing and change if they are not. It has to be said that the Church of Scotland has stuck fast to this motto and has come a long way from the days of hatred and bigotry of the last century; McMurdo, however, has not. He's like some Alf Garnet figure, fighting a rearguard action against the forces of modernity and enlightenment, as today's blog makes clear.

Merlin doesn't seem to be able to understand that some supporters of his club are voting YES for Scottish independence. This is complete anathema to him. He just doesn't get that not everybody that supports the Ibrox team believes the fairy stories about descent from the tribes of Israel, the Ark of the Covenant sitting under a hill in Ireland and Scotland having some destiny to rule the world as part of a new-born British Empire. Some folk just enjoy a game of football and seeing their team do well without all the historical baggage that is supposed to come with it. Not all Newco supporters are members of the Orange Lodge and not all Newco supporters are rabidly anti-Catholic and anti-Irish. To McMurdo and his merry band, however, such people are traitors. You should only be supporting the Ibrox team if you are a member of the PUL community; ie an Orange bigot. It's actually quite frightening that there are people out there with those kinds of views in this day and age!

What kind of person would base their whole political ideology on the football team that he supports? Like I said the other day, Celtic could possibly benefit from staying in the Union but there's no way in hell that I'd let that influence my decision on how to vote. Perhaps the independence referendum has come too late for the likes of McMurdo. A hundred-odd years ago he would have jumped at the chance to bring Scotland back under the control of the Kirk, throw all the Irish out and go back to the days when enjoying yourself was strictly forbidden. Ah...the good old days. No Christmas, no dance halls, no music except hymns, no shopping or housework on the Sabbath etc etc. Sounds a veritable paradise!

The views of one his disciples is even more risible. Apparently it's obvious that Rangers was, and Bisto FC is, the 'quintessential British club'. Didn't they all turn up in Manchester, a quarter of a million of them, clad in Union Flags (or Flegs) to show how much they loved the Union and their fellow Britons? It seems to have escaped this clown's notice that his band of 'Unionists' showed their love for their fellow Britons by trying to murder a sizable chunk of them and by destroying and pishing on much of their property. Never mind a vote for independence; if you'd asked the people of England in 2008 they'd have thrown Scotland out of the Union on its arse after experiencing The Peeppul!

"An' Ah said tae the wummin, Ah said, 'How is a pension plan backed bae 6 million people better than wan backed bae 60 million?' Shay didnae hiv an answer tae that wan. Ah should've mibby mentioned that ma pension's awready been stolen bae Tory bankers. But at least thur British bankers! An' before emdy says that Ah'm jist votin' NAW because Ah'm an auld Bluenose, jist mind, Ah wrote a biography aboot Jock Stein, so Ah did!"

IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...

So that's it; no Champions League this year. I didn't see the game but, by all accounts, it looks like Deila's been taking tactical advice from Sooperally. Of course, The Peeppul have come crawling out to have a laugh and take some desperate, vicarious pleasure in Celtic's failure. Bless. They don't have much else to cheer about these days, do they?

To be honest, the Europa League is probably about Celtic's level. We really need to accept that being known throughout the world and having a huge fan base does not translate into hard cash. These days money talks and it's only the big boys in the money-spinning leagues, like the EPL that can realistically compete at the highest level. Thinking that Celtic is anywhere near this level is as delusionary as believing that Britannia is still a big-hitter on the world stage; a bit like many of The Peeppul still do.

McMurdo is a prime example of this type of thinking. Yesterday he had a picture of Britannia, accompanied by a rather poor-looking lion, like some representation of Aslan in a low-budget adaptation of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. He sees the usual conspiracies behind the independence debate and believes that there are hidden hands pulling the strings to achieve some nefarious end. He asks the question and his disciples provide the answer: it's all a big EU comspiracy to split up and dominate Britain. Our only hope, apparently is to vote NO and elect UKIP. God help us all if that happens!

Any time Celtic falls down in Europe the same solution comes up time after time; Celtic needs to move to the English League. It stands to reason that Celtic would make far more money that way and would benefit enoromously. It also stands to reason that a YES vote in September would put the mockers on any such move. I would never mortgage my daughter's and my potential grandchildren's future, however, just to benefit the football team I support. No football team, no matter how much you love it, is worth that. The Peeppul, I have no doubt, would see things entirely differently!

Further to McMurdo's Sunday Sermon, there have been a few more contributions from his acolytes. One provides a quote from Mein Kampf, which, for some reason, he seems to think applies to the YES campaign. He's obviously so thick that he can't see the irony in what he is saying. He and his cronies see it all as a EU conspiracy and want to vote UKIP to pull Britain out, with all the attendant nationalist rhetoric. If you really look at it closely it's easy to see which side is the more akin to Hitler's nationalistic views.

Another McMurdo disciple directs his chums to a site written by some group calling itself JAH. I've had a good look at this website and I enjoyed it thoroughly; it's the funniest thing I've encountered in ages! The guy writing it believes that George Lucas did not invent Star Wars but was given the idea psychically by God! He goes on to outline the deep, religious message of the Star Wars movies; well, the three that were initially released anyway. Apparently Satan dictated the other three Star Wars films to Lucas to counterract God's message in the other three! You can read the whole, insane treatise here.

The page that McMurdo's disciple recommends, however, is all about the Catholic Church (Surprise! Surprise!). Apparently the Pope is not actually the real Pope, but an illusory one. The real 'power behind the throne' is the head of the Jesuits! It seems this particular gentleman always dresses in black and it was him that Darth Vader represented in the Star Wars films! I mean...come on!

Delving further into this website provides a clue as to why it excites the Merlinites; it advocates British Israelism and the crazy stories about Jesus traipsing about Britain. These ridiculous tales became popular in the Nineteenth Century as some kind of vindication of Britain trying to take over the world; it was her destiny. After all, didn't Jesus come to Britain to learn from the Druids? The original Druids, however, were nothing to do with the clowns that turn up at Stonehenge these days with long beards and a bedshet wrapped round them. The Druidical religion was pantheistic, worshipping the gods of natural places like rivers, lakes and forests. The Druids also practised human sacrifice. Now why would a Jew come all the way from Palestine to learn from a bunch of pagan savages?

The site also quotes, as an expert, the delusional Dr. Gordon Strachan. (Yes, it's a different one!) This numbskull reaches conclusions based on no historical, archaeological or scientific evidence whatsoever; it's all based on words looking something the same. It's like me pointing to the Japanese word arigato and the Portuguese obrigado, which both mean thanks, and then citing their similarity as evidence that the Portuguese must be descended from the Japanese! Strachan relies on this kind of thing, as do all adherents of British Israelism and the Jesus-in-Britain stories. For example, Strachan excitedly points to the use of the word hypocrite (ὑποκρίτης), the Greek word for actor, by Jesus as evidence that He had attended the Greek theatre. This ignores that fact that just because the New Testament was written in Greek it does not mean that Jesus necessarily spoke it, any more than He spoke English. In other words, it's a load of shite!

Anyway, as usual, The Peeppul pick and choose bits and pieces to attempt to further their own agenda and ignore everything else. The guy that writes the JAH website is obviously a believer in inclusiveness and his hate-filled diatribes turn out to be of an equal-opportunity nature. As well as denouncing the Pope and the Vatican for its wealth, he turns his attention to the Queen and the Royal Family. Although he claims that they're descended from King David, he feels that they've betrayed God's word. Instead of looking after their subjects they're merely looking after themselves while the country is full of starving and homeless people. Oh, and Lizzie's not the real Queen anyway, since she was crowned above a replica of the Stone of Destiny instead of the real thing! That wouldn't go down too well with The Peeppul and it just shows that you should always read the whole thing before commenting or associating yourself with it! It also goes to show that many of The Peeppul live on a different planet from the rest of us. No wonder they think their dead team's still alive!

I was watching an old black-and-white film the other night, called The Halfway House. It's a ghost story, starring Mervyn Johns, of which I had high hopes since Johns was the star of my favourite horror film, Dead of Night. Unfortunately, it turned out to be nothing more than war-time propaganda. The most interesting element of it was the Irishman (with a strangely upper-class English accent) that insisted on staying neutral in the war until his girlfriend was nearly killed in an air raid. This was enough to make him view all Germans as 'swine' and want to join in the fight against them. The whole film was about peddling the myth of fighting to maintain democracy in the face of a totalitarian state.

There were two bits that I thought were laughable. The first was when a French woman was telling the Irishman that he had no idea what it was like to have his country overrun and controlled by a foreign power, which dictated their every move. In real life any Irishman could have turned to the woman and said, "Sit down, Missus, and I'll tell you all about it!" The other was when Mervyn Johns was telling the Irishman that the Welsh saw the English as 'friends' and that he couldn't understand the Irishman's attitude. 

As well as propaganda the film was an exercise in stereotypes, with the Welsh folk singing all the way from London on the train. There was also a sinister aspect. The Irishman argued that German U-Boats had just as much right to refuel in Ireland as British ships. Sound familiar? It was a rather tawdry piece of anti-Irish racism, trying to make out that they were cowards and traitors. A bit like The Peeppul and their Orange Order do today.

Finally, a big thanks to fess19 and Jaggy Bunnet for offering their help in finding out Celtic's fixtures lists for the end of the Nineteenth/start of the Twentieth Centuries. The website Jaggy Bunnet pointed me to has loads of information that I'll be able to use in my book and fess19 even offered to lend me his book on the subject. Thanks again for responding so quickly to my plea and for being so helpful. If anyone else is interested, the site Jaggy Bunnet gave me is this one. 

A quick history lesson for those Welsh Naionalists speaking out against Scottish independence. (And for the Welshman in that film as well!)

IF YOU LIKE A LOT OF ORANGE WITH YOUR FOOTBALL...

McMurdo yesterday indulged in some Sabbatical sermonising, in which, not for the first time, he tries to play the 'reasonable man' card. Unfortunately, try as he might, he just can't help the bigotry and paranoia seeping through, while his acolytes are there, as always, to fill in the spaces.

In a meandering ramble it's hard to discern exactly what McMurdo's point is but he claims to be 'scotching a few myths.' First up is the myth of Rangers (sic) being a Protestant club. He points out that you don't hear hymns or the like at Ibrox to support this claim. He's missing the point, however, as Rangers never was a Protestant club. Rangers was an Orange club. Nothing about the club was ever to promote the Protestant faith and there were never any links to the Church of Scotland or whatever. Certainly the club was followed by Protestants and had a policy whereby it only employed Protestants, but this always came across as a policy of exclusivity, rather than any high-minded religious crusade. The whole ethos of the club and its support was one of hatred, which rather negates the idea of it being a Protestant club. Protestantism per se is not about hatred; the Orange Order, on the other hand, is.

Showing how far out of touch he is with the modern world, McMurdo also goes on about how Catholics are voting in the referendum. The days of people voting according to their religious persuasion are long gone, if they were ever around in the first place. Back in the 1920s and 1930s the Gorbals was an area where the Communists could count on a good chunk of the popular vote. Somehow I can't imagine the priest standing in the pulpit on a Sunday exhorting everyone to vote Communist! Throughout the 20th Century voting was determined more and more by class issues and religion had nothing to do with it. Except, of course, for our friends in the Orange Order. Even their support for the Conservatives fell by the wayside when, as Teddy Taylor found to his cost, the word 'Unionist' was dropped from the party's name.

McMurdo hints at dark, Jesuit conspiracies and his acolytes are only too happy to develp this theme. I'm sure the Society of Jesus would be more than happy to win back Scotland to the faith but, then, others want to win over Scotland as well. Do you think all those Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses go round banging on doors for the good of their health? So I take it McMurdo and his merry band of clowns are afraid of these other conspiracies to take over Scotland, based in Salt Lake City and Brooklyn?

And then we have the usual claims that there are evil forces out to destroy Protestantism in Scotland. Why the hell would anyone bother? According to one clown Scotland was renowned for being a backward nation, full of superstition and ignorance before the Reformation. Is that right? So how come it had two major universities? And how the hell were all those people able to decide that they agreed with Luther and Calvin if they were all 'backward' and 'superstitious'. Perhaps the suggestion is that folk didn't actually understand what they were doing or what the Reformation actually entailed. That would explain the number of people in Scotland that call themselves 'Protestants' when they have never seen the inside of a church and probably aren't even baptised!

McMurdo and his disciples constantly tell us that Scotland would be nothing outside the Union but then they all argue that independence is a Vatican-inspired plot by the European Union. Why, in the name of the wee man, would either the EU or the Vatican bother with a country that the Merlinites would have us believe is actually not worth bothering about? The only answer I seem to be able to discern among their ravings is that it's all to help Celtic! That's right, of course, because all the Vatican and the whole of Europe cares about is Celtic FC. That's why you see teams like Real Madrid, Barcelona etc lying down to Celtic and why Celtic has won the European Cup every year since its inception!

And as for Protestantism in Scotland being destroyed from without - give me a fucking break! You want leaders? The General Assembly of the Church of Scotland meets every year and the C of S would like nothing better than folk turning up at church. The problem is that the Kirk has changed and is no longer filled with hate-driven old bigots. The Kirk these days is all about the message of Christ and not about condemning all and sundry. Unfortunately, this is not the kind of church that The Peeppul want. The only reason the Church of Scotland is dying on its feet is because it has abandoned bigotry and racism. Unfortunately the Kirk has actually left much of its potential congregation behind in the Dark Ages.

Education? The clowns are banging on about how Christianity should be taught in schools; it is, you morons! RE is compulsory in all schools in Scotland and government documents make it plain that Christianity is to be the main content of this education. This is meant to be the case even if the school is full of Muslims! It's not the fault of the schools that most ministers are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to proselytising to children. Nor is it the fault of the schools that Double Predestination is such an abhorrent doctrine that the Kirk avoids ever mentioning it. Nor is it the fault of the schools that the pupils are brought up at home to believe that Protestantism is all about being a majorette at the head of a flute band and nothing at all to do with going to church!

Anyway, a deep breath now that I've got all that off my chest! So what's new down Bisto FC way? Well, nothing much. According to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain they're on their uppers and will be lucky to make it through the season. Unfortunately, they remind me of an old guy that used to live up the road from me. He was obsessed about ants, even though they lived in the stonework at the end of his garden and were nowhere near his house. I had them at the bottom of my garden as well but decided that I'd leave them alone if they afforded me the same courtesy. I have to say that they lived up well to their side of the bargain and I rarely saw them unless I was cutting the grass. But this guy just couldn't leave them alone. He was always out with all manner of lotions, potions and powders, trying vainly to kill them off. Every time he thought he'd succeeded they'd appear again once they thought the coast was clear. I remember one Autumn day he was out stamping on the new queens as they flew out from the nest, which prompted a ground attack by the soldier ants. They were up his trouser legs before he knew it and he hopped about wildly as they bit hell out of him! I used to laugh and tell him that they were a species called 'Jesus Ants', which, when you killed them, would come back to life three days later!

The club at Ibrox reminds me of those ants. Rangers has died once already but they came back with a new club, claiming that they're 'still the same'. This could conceivably go on forever. Every time they die a new one will appear, still claiming to be Rangers. Like those ants, I don't think we'll ever get rid of them. I keep waiting for them to use the analogy of Doctor Who, their club regenerating like a Time Lord every time it dies!

Speaking of Doctor Who, I had to laugh at the Daily Record going on about some Glasgow guide to Doctor Who. Apparently the good Doctor went to Glasgow University and has many links with the city, including, probably, fighting Autons in Govan. The Record detailed all the different items except one. It mentioned that the school Peter Capaldi went to was marked on the guide but omitted to mention the name of it. No doubt this was to save the sensibilities of many of their readers; it wouldn't do for them to discover that there's a Kafflik in the Tardis! Christ, they're even taking over Gallifrey!

Sticking with the Record, and their bias really knows no bounds. Read these two headlines; no further comment from me is necessary.

"Alistair Darling joins film stars, pop idols and sporting greats in ALS ice bucket challenge" 

 

"Watch Alex Salmond get a soaking as First Minister takes the Ice Bucket Challenge"

I don't think I'll be doing that challenge - I need the bucket tae boak intae!

 

The UN Security Council meets to discuss how best to destroy Protestantism in Scotland.

 P.S. A heartfelt plea. Does anyone know where I can find fixture lists for Celtic matches from 1899 up to WWI? The only firm date I can find is Celtic playing away to Kilmarnock on August 26th 1899. This, apparently, was the second league match of that season. I can find head-to-heads between Celtic and other Division 1 teams (except St. Bernard's) but the date given for every game, both home and away, is June 1st. I thought that might have been when the season started but that would mean a long time between games. Either that or June 1st 1899 was one helluva busy day, with every team in Scotland playing each other twice. No wonder the next games weren't until August 26th! Can anybody help?

WHIT'LL YE DAE WHEN THE WEE MALKIES COME?

The Peeppul are gloating over the story about Malky Mackay and his vile texts. His racist, homophobic rants are in all the newspapers and McMurdo especially is revelling in it. Strangely, these are the same folk that thought Hugh Dallas was hard-done-by when he was sacked over sending a sectarian e-mail on his employers' account! I've got no sympathy for Mackay but I hate the way The Peeppul rejoice in things like this. As if they're in any position to take the moral high ground!

The texts have cost Mackay his job at Crystal Palace, who are now apparently looking for a new manager. According to some reports, both Neil Lennon and Sooperally are in the running. Sooperally? Surely they can't be that desperate? Sooper has really not accomplished much since taking over first at Rangers and then at Bisto. In fact he accomplished nothing at all with Rangers, other than to help get them liquidated and his new team folds under the slightest bit of pressure. It just shows what a pile of keich the story actually is. 

As for signing Neil Lennon, Hector, over on Bampots Utd, found an online petition by a 'Crystal Palace' fan demanding that Palace don't employ Lennon: https://www.change.org/p/steve-parish-crystal-palace-no-to-neil-lennon-at-crystal-palace. This supposed Palace fan says the following:

"He has a track record of causing trouble wherever he has gone; from a bad temperament as a player, to fights on the streets of Glasgow, sectarian comments to rival fans, and even causing an unprecedented refereeing strike in Scotland...He won the SPL titles in Scotland against no real opposition, given the demotion of Rangers, and had a poor record in cups and winning games that mattered."

There is only one type of person that would go on about Neil Lennon like that. And there is only one type of person that would claim that 'Rangers' were 'demoted'. Somehow I don't think this guy is a Crystal Palace fan at all!

Another bone of contention on McMurdo's blog is the article in the DR telling us, as we already knew, that Mr. Sorearse has no intention of investing in Bisto FC and, indeed, has never even heard of it. McMurdo claims to have documents that prove Green has been in touch with Sorearse and that big investment is coming Bisto's way. I take it he keeps those documents along with those proving Green's deals with the Dallas Cowboys and Adidas and all those World Cup stars he was going to sign! To be honest, the DR is no more believable than McMurdo but other, saner, people have already shown that Old Sorearse is not coming to the rescue.

McMurdo's disciples feel betrayed by the author of this particular article, Gary Ralston, since he was the one that wrote 'The Gallant Pioneers'. Er...I'd have thought that should have made him more credible among The Peeppul. But, apparently, Ralston is not to blame; it's all the fault of the 'Raynjurz Haturz' that run everything in our country from the background. They even say that there's no point in getting in touch with the Press Complaints Commission, since that's full of 'Raynjurz Haturz' as well! My God, the word paranoia seems to have been invented for them!

One of McMurdo's acolytes says, "I think a much better article based around the efforts on fundraising be it from Soros or anyone else would make much better reading". In other words, nobody's supposed to say anything negative about Bisto FC. This sounds like a desperate plea for a return to the good old days of Jabba and his Succulent Lamb. The Peeppul would rather be fed shit about how everything's wonderful rather than actually find out the truth about their moribund new club. That way, I suppose, it makes it easier for them to blame everybody else when things go wrong!

Staying with the DR and they're apparently shocked by the actions of the current owner of Ferguson's Shipyard. The guy moved £600,000-worth of assets into another one of his companies before he called in the administrators. Absolutely disgraceful, isn't it? All those jobs and people owed money beeing fleeced like that; it's enough to turn your stomach. Funnily enough, the DR weren't shocked when another company did a lot worse than that. The administrators of this company invented a new company, which they claimed was a holding company, and saddled this new company with all the debts. They then did a shady deal to sell ALL the assets for a lot less than they were actually worth. The buyer then claimed that what he'd bought was the subsidiary company and nobody in our media challenged this. Disgracefully, all the creditors were left to chase the spectral 'holding company' while the 'subsidiary' carried on as if nothing had happened. It seems to depend who it is that's conning everybody before our Fourth Estate deems it despicable or not!

Meanwhile the Bettertogetherers are orgasmic over a cancer expert accusing the YES campaign of scaremongering. The Herald says of this character,  Professor Alan Rodger, that he "helped transform the Beatson West of Scotland Cancer Centre into one of the best facilities of its kind". So he did that all on his own, did he? He, personally, funded and organised the scattered remnants of the Beatson Centre into a brand-new, state-of-the-art research and care facility? It was the Scottish Government, under the SNP, who accomplished this and Rodger should remember that. He disingenuously points to the privatisation by stealth in England and tries to claim that it won't happen here. Damn right, my dear Professor; because we're going to vote YES to make bloody sure it doesn't! 

This reminded me of the ridiculous statement by JK Rowling when she announced her support for the NO campaign and handed over £1m to the Bettertogetherers. She claimed that research into Multiple Sclerosis and the like would be harmed if Scotland were to become independent. Obviously the status quo is much better, eh? That'll be why she had to hand over 10 million quid to aid MS research. Obviously the Westminster Government doesn't provide enough funding, which makes you wonder what her agenda is. 

We're all getting fed up with these characters trying to treat us as if we were morons. We can see for ourselves that the NHS isn't safe under the Westminster Government and no amount of lies will persuade us otherwise. Meanwhile, all Labour can come up with is more threats of us not being able to watch Strictly Come Dancing. Personally, I'd see that as a blessing but there probably are those that enjoy it. With all the technology available nowadays, not to mention all BBC regional channels being available on SKY, such threats are nothing more than a pile of shit. 

There's a point I was mulling over the other day about our so-called United Kingdom. Same-sex marriages are now legal in all parts of the UK except one: Northern Ireland. Now, the Catholic Church is just as opposed to these marriages as many Protestant Churches but it seems that it's only on the Unionist side that such beliefs affect how members of the Assembly vote. It's Sinn Féin that keeps trying to bring the law into line with the rest of the UK and the DUP that is determined that it's not going to be allowed, threatening to veto the proposal if it gets passed. So it seems part of our 'United Kingdom' is free to run a theocracy that wouldn't look out of place in the Middle East.

Abortion is another contentious issue, where strict Catholics and Protestants are in agreement over it being outlawed. Abortion is pretty much illegal in Northern Ireland but women used to be able to come over to get in done on the NHS in Scotland, England and Wales. This, however, has been clamped down on and any Northern-Irish woman coming over to mainland Britain now has to go private. Now, it doesn't matter how you feel about abortion being immoral or not, it stands to reason that it is far better for it to be done in the safety of a hospital rather than in some backstreet flat by an old crone weilding a bottle of gin and a wire coathanger! This, however, is what the women of Northern Ireland will be reduced to, even though they are citizens of the UK and should be entitled to the same treatment as women in England, Wales and Scotland. So much for the 'United' Kingdom! Better Together? Tell that to those poor women!

Finally, I'm getting a bit concerned about my daughter, who is showing marked McMurdoesque tendencies. She says that the moon landing was faked and points to all the usual crap about 'flags blowing in the wind' etc. She also believes that the US Government was involved in the bombing of the Twin Towers while, at the same time, believing in the threat of international Islamic terrorism. Next thing I know she'll be telling me how a club can still be the same club after liquidation and that there's a huge, international conspiracy to destroy 'Rangers'. I'm beginning to think an exorcism is in order!

P.S. Proof positive that those Huns get everywhere!
http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/188479-astronauts-find-living-organisms-clinging-to-the-international-space-station-and-arent-sure-how-they-got-there

 "The Crystal Palace joab? Aye, Ah'm yer man! Jist look at evryhin' Ah've achieved at Ibrox. Two leagues won in consecutive years an' runners-up in the Ramsden's Cup. Ah mean, what mair could yez ask fur? References? Well...thurs Craig Whyte...naw, wait a minute...Charles Green...naw...em...er...what aboot Sue Barker, wull she dae? An' that reminds mae; Ah won loads-a episodes-y A Question-a Sport an' aw!"

SOOPERALLY READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD

So that's The Peeppul proclaiming their team as world beaters again. The demolition of a part-time team from the bottom tier in the Petomaine Cup seems to have got them already whistling and humming Zadok the Priest. Sooperally is praising them to the hilt and even McMurdo has got in on the act, saying that this team could easily fit into the Premiership! Talk about getting carried away with yourself!

The truth is actually much more prosaic. Remember two seasons ago when Bisto FC managed to beat an SPL team in the League Cup? Coincidentally, the team was Motherwell, which was, and is, managed by 'Wrang-Door' McCall, an ex-Ibrox stalwart. Like any team that has an ex-Ranger involved, Mothewell have had a strong tendency to lie down when playing against an Ibrox team. Sooperally should know all about this; during the twilight years of his playing career he signed for Kilmarnock, whose manager had to replace Sooper with another striker when the fat one point-blank refused to even try against Rangers. So it was a foregone conclusion that any team managed by Barry Ferguson wouldn't exactly break into a sweat when visiting Ibrox. Even if he was manager of Barcelona Bisto would win against them!

Meanwhile, in the Daily Record, it's a case of another week, another billionaire. We've had them beating the drum for Honest Dave King and Mr. Sorearse, the American; now it's the turn of Mike Ashley, the owner of Newcastle United. Of course, the Union of Fuckwits are up in arms about it, as they seem to be about everything. They're all worried, apparently, about not being allowed into Europe due to the rules about an owner being prohibited from having two clubs in the one competition. And, of course, after the magnificent showing against Clyde, Bisto FC is obviously going to get beyond the group stages of the Champions League in 2017. Being the sticklers for obeying the rules that they are, The Peeppul don't want anything like that to happen, do they? It's all a load of shite anyway. Can anybody remember the last time the Daily Record was right about anything like this?

Staying with the Record, the execrable Keith Jackson has managed to outdo himself. Monday's article had the following headline: "Sporting integrity? It would have been sheer lunacy for Celtic to hand Legia Warsaw a free pass to the Champions League". The piece, however, was not about how Celtic had done nothing wrong and how the whole thing was Legia's own fault; this is Jackson we're talking about, after all! The whole article was nothing more than a veiled attack on Celtic and Peter Lawell. 

Jackson's contention is not that Celtic SHOULDN'T have bowed down to pressure from Legia and begged UEFA to let the Polish team go through; it's more an argument that, going by past record, Celtic WOULDN'T do such a thing. He cites how Celtic weren't happy about efforts to extend the season, to help Rangers, in 2008 to 'prove' his point. He omits to mention, however, that nobody was happy about Rangers receiving special treatment, especially QOS, who weren't even asked about putting back the Scottish Cup final. Nobody even considered such treatment for Celtic in 2003! The filthy Jackson goes all out to tarnish Celtic and overuses the phrase 'Sporting Integrity' in order to demean it. The more this guy writes, the more stomach-turning he becomes. Can't Bisto just hurry up and give him a job and stop him from annoying the rest of us?

The Easdales have annoyed the hell out of the Union of Fuckwits by looking into buying Ferguson's Shipyard in Port Glasgow. They've been in touch with the adminsistrators to do some kind of deal to try to save the place and the jobs it provides. If they're on the level then this move should be applauded by everyone; most folk with money couldn't give a toss about saving jobs or the local community. Listy Graham and his cronies, however, are only concerned about Bisto FC. 'If they kin spend money oan shipyerds then surely they should bae spendin' it oan Raynjurz furst?' As usual, all The Peeppul care about is their new team; jobs, communities, people's lives don't matter in the slightest. They, however, don't see anything at all wrong with this stance. 

You'd think that The Peeppul would be happy about what the Easdales are doing. If, as they all hope, there's a NO vote then what are they going to do if we're dragged into another war with no shipyard to run to? If the Easdales succeed in saving Ferguson's then Ibrox should abandon their 'Armed Forces Day' and have a 'Shipyards Day' instead. They could invite all the shipyard workers in boiler suits to celebrate the dead team's contribution to WWII. 

There's far more than that to worrry about, however, for the denizens of Govan. Never mind their dead team, or their new team, or their fantasies about Celtic receiving 'state aid'; what they're really shitting themselves about is being nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge. Having an avowed aversion to both soap and water means that they're scared to go online or outside. That'll be why there were hardly any of them at Ibrox the other night!

I see a certain Max Clifford is putting his company into liquidation. Apparently he thought his wife would run it but, instead, she's dumped him and set up her own company. Understandable, given what he's been banged up for. When he gets out, however, he can start all over again and pretend liquidation never happened. I'm sure his old mate McMurdo will persuade his disciples that it's the same company!

Yvonne Hama. There's a name that you'll never see in our mainstream media. You'll have to stick with the good old Internet Bampots on this one. Oh, wait, the BBC website reported the story as well - wonders will never cease! If you haven't already heard of her go and Google the name. It's a major embarrassment for the Bettertogetherers. 

And another embarrassment for the NO mob comes in the Daily Record. Amazingly, they think it actually harms Alex Salmond and the YES campaign. It seems that folk have had to be sent for private treatment in Scotland because the NHS couldn't cope. How the hell can the Scottish Government be blamed for this? Yes, the Scottish Government gets a hand-out budget from Westminster but there are restrictions on how they can spend it. The situation with the NHS is happening NOW, under the status quo that the DR wants to maintain. If they were really worried about this sort of thing then they'd be advising us to vote YES. The fact that they aren't just shows that they couldn't care less!

A brace of Govan beauties line up for the first heats of Miss Ibrox 2015.

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TOMASZEWSKI-Y

If you've read 'The Crimes of Miss Jane Goldie' there are bits of it that are actually true. (It's fairly obvious which bits aren't!) It used to rile me to hell when I got a class that had been taught previously by some clown, or clowns, who hadn't a bloody clue what they were doing. When I was at school they would teach the whole class at the same time, working through the curriculum for each stage. By the time we got to Primary 7 there were some poor bastards that were still trying to figure out what had been going on in P1. By the time I was a teacher things had changed for the better. Now you worked at levels from A to E and you didn't move onto the next level until you understood and passed the test for the previous one. This meant that every pupil was learning at their own pace. 

The spanner in the works, though, was the teachers that hadn't the first idea about what they were supposed to be teaching. I felt as if I was constantly battling about the ignorance of the pupils passed onto me. It wasn't just things like learning that 'walking' and 'swimming' were verbs, it was that they were taught that if you used a capital letter and a full stop then that constituted a sentence. So. If a child. Wrote like. This. It was marked. That he was able. To write. A proper sentence. You can see why I was so pissed off. Once a child learns something from a teacher it's a hard slog to try to convince him that what he has learned is wrong without telling him that his previous teacher is a moron. Unfortunately, you're not allowed to cast aspersions on the intelligence of your colleagues in front of the children. Also unfortunately, the teacher in question's old man was a high-heid-yin in the council so my complaints fell on deaf ears.

Anyway, the only way you can teach children properly is if everybody knows the rules of grammar, spelling, maths etcetera. If somebody tells them that you can put the full stop anywhere you like then they haven't learned the proper rules. Rules are there for a reason. If they weren't there then nobody would know where they were or what the hell they were doing. And it's not just in school; we need rules in society, in work and even in sport. 

A couple of hundred years ago a game of football was the 'Uppies' versus the 'Doonies' and everything went, including kicking the utter shit out of your opponents. Games went on for days and players would come and go as they saw fit while some would be forced to withdraw due to broken heads and gouged eyes. It was practically all-out war and the authorities did all they could to ban the games.

In the Nineteenth Century, when nice, middle-class gentlemen were looking for sports to inflict on their children at their public schools, football as we know it came about. Of course, you couldn't have teams full of thugs kicking lumps out of each other (that came later when they invented rugby) so rules and regulations were drawn up. These became the basis for the rules of Association Football used internationally. It was vital that everyone played to the same rules otherwise competitions would be meaningless. Sometimes the rules change and sometimes the punishment inflicted for breaking the rules is changed. It's the same as the laws of the land. Fifty years ago you'd be banged up in the clink for being gay; nowadays they'll shove you into the Big Brother house! As long as everybody follows the rules and knows where they stand then it's all above board.

And so we come to the present day and the shameful behaviour of Legia Warsaw. The punishment for fielding an ineligible player used to be different but now it's the match being awarded to the offending team's opponent as a 3-0 victory. Every club in Europe would be made aware of this and it is up to each individual club to ensure that it complies with the rules. Legia broke the rules, even though their own player warned them, and so they have been given the appropriate punishment, which was clearly set out in UEFA's rule book. There's no point in them moaning about precedent and pointing to previous punishments; that was then and this is now. It's like me appealing a £1000 fine for not having a TV licence by pointing out that my granny was only fined ten bob in Nineteen-Canteen for not having a licence for her wireless!

This situation was not of Celtic's making and no blame whatsoever can be attached to the players, staff, management or directors of Celtic. That, however, hasn't stopped Legia brazenly trying to attack Celtic, with full encouragement from The Peeppul. Now we've got Jan Tomaszewski calling for all of Europe to brand Celtic as 'cheats' and to boo them at every stadium. This cowardly attempt at bullying is hardly going to help their case, is it? Not one of these clowns from Poland has attacked UEFA, and yet it's UEFA that kicked them out, not Celtic. He calls this "the biggest scandal in the history of sport." Really? He needs to get out more or at least look at what a certain Govan outfit has been allowed to get away with! Maybe having once played for Rangers is what has convinced Legia's manager that the rules shouldn't apply to his team!

I was laughing the other day at Barry Ferguson's appeal for calm in the Daily Record. I wasn't laughing, however, at his ridiculous praise for Sooperally. It was the names I was laughing at: 'Coisty' and 'Durranty'. As I remember it, we all grew out of that by the time we were in Fourth Year at high school. It was well before our sixteenth birthdays that we started calling each other by our Christian names, feeling that the likes of 'Welshy' etc was a bit childish. What age is 'Fergy'? His mental age obviously lags way behind. 

And I notice that the referees' work-to-rule is still in operation. Not one red card or penalty was handed out last night and Bisto FC had to rely on sheer luck to win. Christ, even fat 'Boydy' was flagged for offside! Now that's something I've never heard of before. If flags had been waved properly during his previous career at Ibrox there is no way in hell that he'd have got anywhere near the tally he amassed as the 'SPL's Top Scorer'!

Have you seen the new heading on 'Murdo-y's' website? He's got Don Corleone next to the puppet strings that feature in the opening titles, and on the book cover, of The Godfather. Of course, it's because everything: the SFA, the SPFL, the Scottish Parliament, Westminster, HMRC, NATO, NASA, the UN, the Galactic Federation and even God himself, is being manipulated by Peter Lawwell with just one purpose in mind: to destroy Rangers (sic). That'll be why Campbell Ogilvie EBT is still clinging onto his position, eh?

Onto his blog proper and he decides to have a go at the "stuffed shirts and control freaks" that are apparently ruining the game of football. He says that their "desire to make sure everyone lives by the rule book has stifled creativity and ruined many a career." I wonder what he means by that. On the contrary, it's Scottish referees and their reluctance to enforce the rules that stifle creativity, when the lunks that Rangers always employed would stop a creative player by the judicious application of a studded boot. And whose career has been 'ruined' by the rule book? I certainly can't think of anyone.

Isn't it strange how we never heard them squealing about "stuffed shirts and control freaks" when Jim Farry was weilding his pen in Rangers' favour or when Sandy Bryson got them out of jail during the Nimmo-Smith inquiry? Of course, now that a decision has gone in favour of Celtic then it's all 'corruption' and 'favouritism'. One of McMurdo's disciples even says that UEFA "have the best interests of their ‘own’ at heart". What does he mean by that, do you think? Why, of course, Platini and all the heid-bummers at UEFA are Kafflicks and it's all a big Kafflick Konspiracy! The fact that Poland is a mostly Catholic country and that the majority, if not all, of the players, management etc. of Legia are probably Catholics has probably escaped the notice of this particular clown.

So what's the answer to all this 'corruption'? That's easy, according to one of the disciples:

"I would add for those of us that want to see it change, we should not hold our breath, in sport it will take at least a decade or more for change to happen. For it to happen with politics in this country it will take the whole of the Protestant Unionist Community and those that lean that way morally to stand up and vote conservatives at council and national levels, just like they all did before !"

So there you have it. The 'Protestant Unionist Community' (ie Orangemen) need to rise up and vote Conservative! I mean, what the hell planet do these folk live on? What the rest of us (ie Normal People) need to do is rise up and vote for independence and get rid of this shower once and for all.

I'll let McMurdo have the last word. No, make that the second-last word: 

"It’s the surrounding stuff that stinks more and more – the boardroom battles, the unjust rulings, the distasteful scrabble for money, the racism, bigotry and violence in the stands, the backhanders and the really annoying pundits."

Boardroom battles - Ibrox

Unjust rulings - The new Ibrox outfit allowed into the league and to call itself 'Rangers'.

Distasteful scrabble for money - Graham Wallace begging for gingies down in London.

Racism, bigotry and violence - Pretty much synonymous with the Ibrox support.

Backhanders - Three letters: E, B and T.

Really annoying pundits - Jabba, Jackson, Neil McCann etc etc etc.

It looks as if, going by McMurdo's definitions at any rate, corruption in the game could easily be eliminated by the simple expedient of one team disappearing!

P.S. No doubt McMurdo would call me a 'stuffed shirt and control freak' for my stance when I was a teacher. Maybe you think I was being pedantic as well. Here's a wee test for you: what is the verb in this sentence? 

'Walking is good for you.'

 

 

"Hello, Peter. Yes, everything's all lined up. We're going to be invading Govan any time now. We're going to wipe Ibrox and its team off the face of the map!"

Oops! Nearly forgot. Clash of the Agnivores is only 99p on Kindle for the next five days!

JACKSON TALKS OUT HIS JACKSIE - AGAIN!

When is a penalty not a penalty? When Celtic gets it, apparently. Well, that's the impression you get from reading Keith Jackson's latest fun-packed article in the Record. Not once has he criticised all the penalties and sending-off of opponents that have been an almost constant feature of Bisto FC matches over the past two years. Now I didn't see last night's Celtic game so I can only take Jackson's word for it that it was a dive but that's not the point. The point is Jackson's reaction, which reminded me of the good old days when Jabba was in charge of the back pages at the DR. Rangers could get all the dodgy penalties going but, by God, let Celtic get one and it was all cries for change at the SFA and how bad our officials are. I've said it before but I'm sure Jackson's hoping and praying that the job of Director of Communications comes up again at Ibrox.

Speaking of referees, there's talk of them maybe going on strike. The issue is that they're 'only' being paid £195 to officiate at Championship matches, while it's £840 per match in the Premiership. Unbelievably, their excuse for wanting more cash is because there are 'high-profile' matches in the Championship involving Hearts, Hibs and Bisto FC! It's not fair, apparently, that somebody can get the full whack for refereeing a match between two 'relatively minor' teams in the Premiership. It seems like they've swallowed the line of The Peeppul and are desperate to make out that the Championship is suddenly something wonderful. Surely if a team is relegated it's no longer 'high-profile'? Or maybe it's just that a certain team, beloved of our footballing hierarchy, is there.

The chance of a strike, it seems, has been averted but it looks like the referees are already on a work-to-rule. It can't be a coincidence that not one Hearts player was sent off on Sunday and not once did the referee point to the spot in the Hearts goal area! Maybe they're going to stick to following the rules at Bisto matches until they get what they want! They better make sure they resolve it quickly or bang goes any chance of Bisto getting into the Premiership!

Meanwhile, Sooperally is getting it in the neck from both sides of the Bisto support. It doesn't matter if they're on McMurdo's side, backing the board through thick and thin, or a member of the Union of Fuckwits, they all agree on one thing: Sooper must go! Not that Sooper gives a shit. He's raking in the cash and can afford so many pies and steak bakes that the bookies are taking bets on how long it'll be before he has to replace that Jacamo suit!

The Legia Warsaw situation has taken a new twist with the revelation that the defender that was banned actually suspected himself that he shouldn't be playing. He was assured by the powers-that-be at Legia that everything was okay. This has changed the mind somewhat of the Polish FA President, who has gone on record to say that the fault lies, not with Celtic or UEFA, but with Legia and nobody else. That's not enough for The Peeppul, though. They've still got the unmitigated gall to go on about sportsmanship and sporting integrity. It doesn't seem to register in those empty skulls of theirs that those phrases imply sticking to the rules. The UEFA rule book states clearly what the penalty is for fielding an ineligible player. The Peeppul, however, are so used to the rule book being bent, and even thrown out, in their favour that they think the same should be done for any opponent of Celtic. 

On the Referendum front, did anybody else watch the Andrew Neil programme about what happens after the vote? It turns out that despite all the Bettertogetherers banging on about Salmond having no Plan B, they've got no Plan B either when it comes to Trident. They've got nowhere lined up to put the things if there's a YES vote, saying that there's nowhere else suitable. Of course, we all know what that means: no bugger in England would want them. In other words, the Scottish are second-class citizens and we've to either like it or lump it - unless, of course, we take matters into our own hands...

And news in the Daily Record that Channel 4 is going to broadcast some kind of 'Mockumentary' (their word) called 'Scotland In A Day' when the polls close on September 18th. The production company is asking folk to send them videos of them doing everyday things like brushing their teeth etc. Sounds a hoot! The DR says that the programme is going to feature the 'cream of Scots talent'. Already lined up are Jack Docherty and somebody called Grado. Aye, that sounds like the top of the milk bottle right enough!

Our old pal WullieWontHe on McMurdo's blog has come out with an absolute belter. In fact, there are two belters from him but iantm has already told of one of them over on Bampots Utd. The other one is about George Galloway giving a talk at the Ulster Hall in Belfast. It seems the DUP is up in arms about this and the party's group on Belfast City Council has asked for it to be banned. Councillor Brian Kingston said, "We are deeply concerned that hosting this speaker at this time will be harmful to community relations in Belfast and could incite hatred towards Israeli and Jewish people in our city, as well as causing reputational damage to the council."

This from a man that is wearing an Orange sash on his Facebook page and is a member of a party that's well-known for bigotry and intolerance! Galloway himself sums the situation up succinctly, "To be lectured on good relations by the DUP is a bit like being told to sit up straight by the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

Kingston and his cronies are up in arms about perceived anti-Semitism in Ulster and a plaque showing the birthplace of Chaim Hertzog has had to be removed after being vandalised. Strangely the DUP members are proud of Hertzog, even though he was a British-hating terrorist, the type they always bang on about disliking. Hertzog may have fought in the British Army but after WWII it was off to Palestine, where my old man was one of the British soldiers under attack from both sides as they tried to keep the peace. The Jews that arrived fought the Palestinians and were angered that British forces tried to stop them, hence the terrorism. The King David Hotel, which was used by the British forces, was blown to smithereens by Menachem Begin and his gang. I thought our Loyalist friends were dead against folk that killed British soldiers? It seems that it all depends who did it!

Finally, apropos none of the above, my daughter yesterday succeeded in making me feel like an old fossil. She's been putting in a couple of afternoons a week at one of the local charity shops and was all excited today because somebody had brought in a record player. One of the guys in the shop is a qualified electrician so he tests all electrical goods before they're put on sale. My daughter had never seen a record player before and was dying to try it out. She got to play a 7" single and said that she was amazed how good a sound there was from such an ancient, old machine. I'm crying as I write this. Little shit!

"Aye, it's a hard joab bein' a referee ye know. It's no' aw jist runnin' aboot and blowin' a whistle! Ye've goat tae bae able tae read an' write an' everythin'! An' they red cards weigh a ton. An' it's no' jist that, ye've goat tae use yer imagination an' aw. Wur supposed tae either gie Rangers (sic) a penalty or send somebody aff if thing's urnae gauin' thur wye. An' then waeve goat tae think-y an excuse fur daein' it in the match report! If that disnae deserve extra money Ah don't know what dis. Well, it'll no' bae happenin' tae wae get pyed mair, Masonic handshake or nae Masonic handshake!"

RULES ARE RULES

The big story of the weekend is the appeal. No, not Legia Warsaw; I'm talking about Sooperally's appeal against Craig Thomson's handling of yesterday's match against Hearts. The man obviously wasn't playing by the SFA rule book as, not only were Bisto FC not awarded a penalty, but he failed to blow the whistle for full time as soon as Law scored the equaliser. It was double unfair as Sooperally claims that they 'wurnae ready yit' when Hearts kicked off from the centre circle after the Bisto goal. Strangely I remember a certain dead team whose stock-in-trade was to take a quick free kick and score while the referee was speaking to an opposition player about his misdemeanour. As it says, however, in the SFA Rule Book, Section 16, Paragraph 90, "When playing against any club from Ibrox, no team shall take a free kick, a goal kick or kick off from the centre circle after a goal until such time as the Ibrox manager indicates that his team is ready." So there we have it. Hearts broke the rules and the match will be changed to a 3-0 victory for Bisto.

McMurdo, meanwhile, puts his immortal soul in jeopardy by posting a blog on the Sabbath. What would Gregory Campbell say? (Only joking; McMurdo is one of The Elect and is destined for Heaven no matter what he does.) He seems to have finally realised that not only is Sooperally a useless bastard but that Stadtler and Waldorf are not the strike force he expected them to be. His disciples, however, are still trying to put the blame on everybody else. One of them posts an article from a Bisto website, moaning about how Bisto has no representation on the SPFL board. What makes them think that a two-year-old team deserves such representation? Isn't it enought that they've got Mr. Campell Ogilvie EBT as President of the SFA?

The answer to all Bisto's problems is obvious to McMurdo and his acolytes: the return of Charlie Boy. This, however, looks about as likely to happen as me running out for Barcelona. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and others have already been on the case and Auld Sorearse and his associates have never even heard of any club pretending to be Rangers. I imagine they thought it was something to do with Yellowstone Park. So it looks like it's just another in Charlie's list of fantasy investors, like the Dallas Cowboys, the Harlem Globetrotters and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Reuters are reporting that there is to be an emergency meeting of the Executive Board of the International Monetary Fund in Washington D.C. tomorrow morning. The meeting has been called because of McMurdo's previous blog, which outlines how 'Rangers' is destined for world domination. The Governor of the IMF has decided that this manifest destiny overrides all other global considerations and has called the Executive Board to authorise the payment of the whole fund, which is in the hundreds of billions of US Dollars, to Ibrox. This will facilitate the speedy rise of 'Rangers' to 'where it belongs' and usher in an era of peace and plenty throughout the World.

While all this is going on Legia Warsaw seem to be going all-out to blame Celtic for their woes. They seem to forget that nobody at Celtic complained about them fielding an ineligible player; it was all between themselves and UEFA. Of course, those law-abiding denizens of Govan are all on the side of Legia, claiming that Celtic should stand down in the name of 'sporting fairness' or something. That's funny; The Peeppul were all for upholding the rules when it came to Jorge Cadete, eh? And I don't remember any offers to replay that Scottish Cup semi-final, even though Celtic had done nothing wrong! I think that's another rule in the SFA Rule Book: "Any implementation of the Rules should always be followed to the bitter end when it comes to Celtic FC. In situations involving other clubs officials may used their own discretion, except in the case of any club using the name 'Rangers'. In such a case see: Special Circumstances." Unfortunately for Legia, UEFA has a real Rule Book.

The Daily Record website had the story about Sean Connery recovering from illness and ready to take part in the Referendum campaign. Personally, I've got no time for Connery. I had the misfortune to meet him once in Edinburgh and saw him treat one of his fans as if he was a piece of shit. He's an arrogant fuckwit and I would rather he had nothing to do with the YES campaign. The fact is, however, that he's been in favour of Scottish independence for a lot, lot longer than I have so he has every right to speak up. This is especially true when you take into account the petition from all the Hooray Henrys and Henriettas in England demanding that we stay in the Union. If they can have a say then so can he!

Rather disgustingly, the Daily Record hasn't allowed any comments from anyone supporting a YES vote. I can't imagine that nobody in favour of independence had anything to say on the matter but there's not even one on the forum. I suppose the posts that have been deleted must be from YES supporters. The only posts that are visible are abusive ones by Bettertogetherers. Not that the Record is biased or anything, you understand!

I see a couple of morons have decided to resurrect the lie about Alex Ferguson's autobiography. When one of The Peeppul says something you can guarantee that they'll all come crawling out of the woodwork to say the same thing. The lie in question is that Alex Ferguson said in his autobiography that Celtic was 'classless' and that none of the big clubs liked them. This pile of shite came out on the same day as the actual autobiography, invented by one of The Peeppul on Twitter. This was all proven long ago so it shows you how thick The Peeppul are that some of them are still willing to believe it!

Finally, I received a 'Google+ Notification' yesterday. Whoever sent it just copied my blog and wrote above it 'Oh, the irony!' Now, I'm quite good at getting irony; in fact, I'm fond of using it myself. This character, however, has lost me completely. I would imagine that the message came from one of The Peeppul. So either I'm thick or he is. Anybody willing to lay the odds?

 

Sooperally demonstrates the good grace, class and sportsmanship expected at Ibrox.

DESTINY CALLS!

McMurdo seems to be making up for lost time and is fairly battering out the posts. He'll soon be competing with Mick over who can put the most up in one day! Anyway, he seems to have swallowed whole the story of the multi-billionaire who's got nothing better to do with his cash than invest in Bisto FC. Apparently McMurdo keeps in touch with Charlie Green and has been assured that Mr. Sorearse is ready and willing to throw £10m down the drain. The man is known for being a philanthropist but surely giving money to Bisto is taking things a bit far?

McMurdo goes on about how it's the Ibrox club's 'destiny' to conquer Europe, nay, the World! Where the hell does he get this crap from? I haven't read all the Bible but I've read a good bit of it and I don't remember anything about that. No doubt it's all part of the British Israelism shite that he spouts. My favourite bit was where he said, "The reality is that Rangers (sic) MUST join the 21st century". That won't be easy. He goes on, "You don’t need to lose the heart and soul of Rangers (sic) in doing this." Considering that the 'heart and soul' of both the dead club and the new one still reside in the 17th Century that's going to take some doing. I don't think he realises but it's this 'heart and soul' that puts a lot of people off investing in his club. 

His disciples don't see things in exactly the same way. This clown probably expresses the feelings of the majority of The Peeppul more than McMurdo does:

"Rangers were a successfully run club for over a century until it was sold outwith the Glaswegian protestant circle of ownership which was so successful and more importantly meant the club was SAFE for 125 years. Then along came a Hearts supporting, Edinburgh rugby chap and the rest is horrible history. Get our club back within that Glaswegian protestant circle of ownership again (Dave King, Jim McColl?) and never, ever let it go again."

And another:

"Unfortunately, those days have probably gone, along with no facial hair, shirts in and socks up, black boots, the Billy Boys and a team of Prods.
Great days, right enough, but a part of our history, not our future."

And yet another:

"...our players are not all Protestant because simple fact is there is no one in Scotland good enough to just stick with that Religion.Don’t get me wrong here as there is nobody that would be more happier than me if we could field a team of bluenoses but it’s just not going too happen as main thing is product on the field these days."

And one more:

"Bill: I also believe that Mr Soros himself and his political and social leanings may not go down too well with a far more larger element of our support than any of us could imagine".

So even if Auld Sorearse is intending to get involved in Bisto FC he'll probably be as welcome as...well...the last American that turned up at Ibrox! And we haven't even mentioned the possible involvement of Charlie Boy and how The Peeppul would feel about that!

On the Referendum front Ed Miliband has let the cat out of the Unionist bag by saying that blocking any kind of currency union will be in Labour's manifesto. In other words, it's not that a currency union wouldn't work; it's that the Bettertogetherers are determined to make damn sure that it doesn't work, or doesn't even happen. So really, there's nothing to stop a currency union working except the petty, petulant vindictiveness of the Westminster Government. I say fuck them! We should join the Euro or have our own, Scottish pound, backed up with Scottish oil and gas. 

Back with The Peeppul and it seems that one of them has swallowed hook, line and sinker the silly stories of McMurdo, PZJ the Belfast Bam and the Derry Dinosaur Jockey Gregory Campbell. This particular mental bastard turned up at Glasgow City Chambers, toting a samurai sword, demanding 'Justice'. The sword, he claims, was to kill the leader of the Council, Gordon Matheson. His only explanation has been that he wanted 'Justice'. I think it's pretty obvious what the clown was on about. How do I know the story concerns one of The Peeppul? Well, as always when there's a story about one or more of them, the Daily Record is not allowing comments!

And another, I suspect, was involved in the hilarious story about the guy frightening people in a graveyard. When folk were visiting graves he was shouting, "Whooooooooo!" This upset a lot of people and he ended up in court, being fined and ordered to pay a 'victim surcharge' for frightening folk. The prosecuting counsel said, "I'm assuming he was pretending to be a ghost." All this happened in Portsmouth but I'm willing to bet that the guy supports a dead club in Glasgow (part of that 'world-wide fan base') and was not pretending to be a ghost but was just acting naturally like the zombie he is!

The billionaires flock to invest in Bisto FC