JABBA THE AGNIVORE

SPRING CLEANING

Sooperally is quoted in the papers today saying that Trigger's Brush FC needs cleaning out from top to bottom. You've got to feel a bit sorry for old Sooper; he's not the brightest light on the Christmas tree! At the start of last year he was telling us how he spoke to Craig Whyte daily; it then transpired that he hadn't clapped eyes on him for months! He's now in the same situation with Flash Harry. He might have had a brief falling-out with Flash over the 'worst team ever' business but, in the main, he went along with everything that Flash Harry had to say. I suppose when you're as seriously lacking in the braincell department, like Ally, you just blindly follow anyone that knows bigger words than you do! I'm afraid when they were handing out 'gorm' poor Ally was last in the queue. 'Caecus caecum,' as it says in the Vulgate of St Jerome.

He says that he wants to talk about results instead of all the off-the-pitch business. Er...are you sure about that, Ally? All this jiggery-pokery has actually detracted from the fact that he has been absolutely hopeless at the job he is paid to do. A drug-addled orang-utan could have led that overpaid team to the Third Division championship, and probably would have lost less games in the process! Yes, the players did what they were supposed to do but the fact that they lost so many times against teachers and plumbers shows that they are a gang of underachievers. And I'm afraid Ally's laying the blame on the transfer embargo won't wash; the embargo didn't kick in until September so he had exactly the same time as every other manager in the country to assemble a decent team. If he had been able to trade in the January Window I doubt he would have had much luck. SFL rules specify that you are only allowed a certain number of over-21s, which means he would have had to offload some of the bunch he already has. Would anyone have been willing to take any of these chancers, even on loan?

Anyway, back to the big clean-up. It'll take a lot more than Kim and Aggie to put a shine on Trigger's Brush FC. Even Hercules would baulk at tackling those particular Augean Stables! Bigotry, hatred, paranoia and a distinct inability to face up to reality are the hallmarks of Trigger's Brush FC. Never mind a new board; it's a team of psychiatric specialists they need at Ibrox!

The 'Loyal' are torn about what they want done. Many of them want a new CEO from outside football, although no suggestions have been forthcoming. I suppose when the main criterion is not success in business but attending the right kind of school, i.e. one with no 'Saint' in the title, then practically anyone will do. The favourite to take over is Craig Mather but not everyone likes him as he is seen as Green's man, both by supporters and by the board. Some supporters are demanding that a 'Rangers Man' is given the post; Martin Bain and Alastair 'Noddy' Johnston are two names that have been mentioned. One or two on the even-more-lunatic fringe have suggested Donald Finlay! Now that is an appointment I'd like to see. Can you imagine the comedy gold if he was constantly being interviewed on the TV and in the papers! Please, God, let it happen!

Of course, as I predicted, many of the 'Loyal' are blaming the 'biased' Scottish media for forcing Green out. How dare they report anything, no matter how true, about the office bearers at Trigger's Brush FC! This is why they are calling for a strong leadership; someone to stand up to, as they call it, the 'cabal.' Basically what they want is a power-crazed, despotic and quixotic character that will fight the good fight against all their imaginary enemies. I believe Berlusconi' is available, although his schooling might be a bit suspect. Kim Jong-Un is a bit busy at the moment, as is Vladimir Putin. Unfortunately the ideal candidate for the post of CEO at Trigger's FC was buried last week at the taxpayers' expense! 

Whoever gets the job will have one major task to perform, even more pressing than getting rid of Ally. Big Jabba is going to have to go. I don't know how much he gets paid but it's definitely too much. He has hardly done anything since he arrived; one pathetic diatribe, full of empty threats, against the Scottish media. That was many moons ago and he hasn't been heard of since.The last thing the obviously cash-strapped Trigger's Brush FC needs is some fat git enjoying a sinecure!

Perhaps the clean-up needed at Ibrox goes much deeper than a mere change of personnel. Cosmetic changes like this still leaves the dark soul at the very core of this institution. An organisation founded and bolstered by sheer hatred has something seriously lacking in it. Maybe it needs a spiritual clean-up! Some kind of blessing is in order. Might I suggest Extreme Unction?

The search for Green's replacement begins.