SECRET AGENT MAN

We've all seen those films where a policeman or an FBI man infiltrates a crime organisation or a terrorist group. TV series like 'Harry's Game' showed us that infiltration is not glamorous; it's a grubby and dangerous business. It goes on all the time, with agents even infiltrating foreign organisations. In fact, I remember one film where it turned out that every member of some radical group was, apart from the leader, an undercover policeman or reporter!

So what am I on about? Don't worry. It's not a plug for another book; it's about Bisto FC. In many of the films etc that I'm on about the infiltrator is usually a criminal that has been forced into doing the authorities' dirty work as a way of escaping a prison term. You've maybe already guessed where I'm heading with this.

Businessmen that end up in trouble with the tax authorities in one country invariably have the same problems in another. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that a tax crook from South Africa might also owe HMRC a tidy sum. Could such a person come to a deal to recoup even more money for the tax man?

Everyone connected with Bisto FC, the directors, the players, the manager, the supporters, all constantly maintain that it is the same club. In financial terms this is a dangerous road to go down. A phoenix company can find itself being held accountable for the debts of the old one. This is especially the case if  there are the same personnel in the board room. At the moment, Bisto FC is playing a sleight-of-hand game where they are the same-but-not-the-same. This requires a strong faith, a closed mind and the denial of the evidence right in front of you. And now, enter stage right, one Dave King.

If Phil Mac is right then there is nothing standing in King's way and he can take over at Bisto FC. Whether he buys up the shares, gets the place on the cheap when it's in administration or does a Chas Green and gets it through some dodgy deal, it's obvious that this is what his intention must be. Now Bisto FC would be in deep shit: a phoenix company, doing the same business, using pretty much the same name and with a director of the old company. When, as seems likely, things are decided in favour of HMRC then the tax man is clear to pursue Bisto instead of getting nothing from a liquidated company!

It might sound far-fetched but, then, everything to do with Rangers and Bisto has been far-fetched, from Murray's buying and running the place with other people's money, to Whyte's dodgy purchase, to Green's illegal deal with Duff and Phelps. If this had been any other business then none of this would have been allowed to happen. If HMRC want their money then they're going to have to be as sleekit and underhand as everyone associated with Ibrox has been!

The Daily Record seems desperate to support King in the same way that they supported the Requisitioners last year. Unlike McMurdo, I don't see this as the DR being 'anti-Rangers (sic).' On the contrary, the Daily Record has been extremely unhappy with everything that has happened at Ibrox over the past couple of years. The DR sports department pines for the good old days of succulent lamb and press handouts and no awkward questions. Anyone that is connected with the Ancien Regime is a good guy as far as the DR is concerned, even if he is a convicted criminal.

Strangely there is one person missing from all this drama. I honestly expected everybody's favourite pish-stained alky to suddenly appear back from the dead, throwing his support behind King. He might well do it yet, but I thought he would have had his triumphal resurrection before now. Maybe he's been too pished to notice what's going on. His old friend Jabba better go and bring him round and tell him the good news.

Meanwhile the Bisto Board has issued a challenge to King, inviting him to 'Come ower here an' say that tae wur faces, ya fudd!' McMurdo and his disciples are praising this development, saying that King will be shown up as a coward if he doesn't accept. Perversely, when Alex Salmond makes the same challenge to David Cameron they all accuse Salmond of acting inappropriately and claim that Cameron is right not to accept. The mind of a Bisto Kid, eh!

All the Bisto Kids, and even Dave King, are denying that there were any meetings yesterday and that Phil Mac is wrong about impending administration. Even Alex Thompson has been getting it in the neck for having the temerity to ask questions on Twitter. Apparently, however, there were a number of gentlemen in suits and ties turning up at Murray Park yesterday. Maybe they were joining in training to give Sooperally more options in choosing his team since they can't afford to buy new players!

It seems, according to McMurdo, that 5,000 mugs have already pledged to hand over their Jobseeker's Allowance and Child Support money to King. The big question on everybody's lips is, how is this going to work? Will Bisto FC really hand over season books on the promise that King will pay them a dribble of money on a game-by-game basis? Somehow I doubt it. Maybe they're going to buy match tickets for each game; but, then, surely they don't need King to do that! That will obviously cost them more money in the long run. McMurdo's disciples think that other supporters will snap up these season books, leaving all the King's men high and dry. The price of a season book for the Championship, however, is going to be a lot more than it was for the past two seasons and The Peeppil don't particularly like putting their short arms into their deep pockets. It's going to be fun watching how this one unfolds.

Finally, I see the Bisto Kids still call anyone that comments about their team 'obsessed.' They still don't get it, do they? In the late 1950s and early 1960s the streets used to be empty as everyone rushed home to watch 'Hancock's Half Hour.' In the 1970s the whole country would sit down on Christmas Day to watch Morcambe and Wise. I don't think I really need to expand on this, do I?

Shaun, I've e-mailed you a Kindle copy of Torrent. If anybody else wants one then please get in touch.

At last! The true story of the Bisto FC saga is told!