JABBA THE AGNIVORE: BAWS AND JAWS

Yes, I know I'm a bit late in rubbing The Peeppul's collective nose in it, but he who laughs last and all that. Did you watch the Daily Record's video with the 'journalists' talking about Sevco's chances on Sunday? They all looked as if they were ready to burst into tears, especially the fat one in the middle. Did things not go according to plan, then, lads? Motherwell were supposed to lie down, like they always used to at Ibrox; but things didn't quite turn out that way. The professional way that Motherwell went about things certainly showed one thing: for all the plaudits he's getting, McCall is a shite manager and he's to blame for Motherwell finishing eleventh.

Stephen McManus said they were going to need 'balls of steel' but they showed balls that were made of tungsten instead, which they needed in the face of a cheating, Hun referee. The number of fouls the Sevco players got away with was unbelievable; they pushed, tripped, kicked and lashed out with elbows, right in front of Madden. No doubt we'll see the same happening at Fir Park so McManus and his team-mates are going to need gonads of solid diamond!

Meanwhile, The Peeppul seem to have found somewhere to buy Sevco shares. Those readers as old as me will remember folk that used to come round certain pubs in the 1980s, trying to sell stolen goods or porn videos. They'd come and sit next to you and offer you whatever they had to sell sotto voce. They never harangued you or wasted time trying to persuade you. If you weren't interested, they'd move onto the next table. That's what probably happens down the Louden these days. Billy will be having a pint and somebody will suddenly appear next to him, saying, "Awright, big man? Kin Ah interest ye in some Sevco shares?" Either that, or somebody will come in brandishing them, like the Sally Army selling the War Cry, and everybody'll hide in the lavvies!

And as the FIFA scandal rolls on, so does the hypocrisy of our media. Keith Jackson is next to line up to take a pop at Sepp Blatter, calling him shameless and questioning his leadership qualities. At least he needs to stand for election every few years, unlike a certain, equally corrupt, Campbell Ogilvie EBT, who has been handed a sinecure for as long as he wants it. Seemingly the investigation into corrupt FIFA officials was instigated by the IRS, the American tax people. Look at how the American authorities, justice department and media have been right behind these investigations and arrests. Compare it with our own country, where tax dodgers are allowed to flout company laws and HMRC are accused of victimisation!

The other big (ish) story in our sports media this week has been the love bite on Jim McAlister's knee. The way the papers go on you'd think McAlister played the rest of the match with his patella hanging down at his shin. According to just about everybody, it's an open-and-shut case with all the photos showing the incident; even though not one photo shows an exposed molar, incisor or canine. A much clearer open-and-shut case is the one McAlister will have to answer for racially abusing Ciftci. Nobody else heard any such abuse and the referee didn't mention anything in his report, but that's all by-the-by. The SFA beaks have already shown that all that is needed to prove you racially abused someone is the word of the supposed victim. So McAlister is effectively fucked, isn't he?

Can I be serious for a moment? I don't understand all the abuse Phil Mac Giolla Bhain's been getting for supporting the decision of the Irish electorate to allow same-sex marriages. I really don't get what the problem is. Those citing the Church should realise that there's no question of any church being forced to perform same-sex weddings. Any such marriages will take place in a Registry Office, a type of ceremony that the Church doesn't recognise as a proper marriage anyway. So what's the problem? And any reliance on the Bible is fraught with difficulties. Most condemnation is to be found in Paul's epistles, not in any of the Gospels. In fact, comparing the likes of Romans or Corinthians I and II with the Gospels is like chalk and cheese and shows what a nasty piece of work Paul actually was. I always think of him as being like one of those American, Fundamentalist Protestant preachers, who speak nothing but hatred while talking of God's love!

Then there's the disgust factor. Why? What the hell are you dwelling on it for? I remember away back in my plooky youth being embarrassed by the slightest hint of homosexuality on the telly. This was mainly inspired by the deep-seated fear that you might find yourself turned on by it. As an adult, secure in my own sexuality, I care not a jot what anybody else gets up to, as long as they're not hurting anyone in the process. Like most men my age I'm too concerned with wringing what's left out of my own dwindling sex life to get caught up being bothered about what other folk are up to! And I notice that all the outbursts of disgust seem to be confined to the idea of two men having sex; nobody seems to be particularly disturbed by the image of two women going at it hammers-and-tongs!

Back to the football and, like every other Celtic fan, I'll be cheering on Falkirk and Motherwell this weekend. Nobody likes a cheat! And I think congratulations are in order to the person on Twitter that had me in stitches by calling Stuart McCall 'Bea Smith'. That's the best doppelganger I've heard about in a long time. Judge for yourself:

Meanwhile, as The Peeppul are constantly telling us, 'It's all about the Sevco'. And it's true! The media have been full of choice stories about The Peeppul.