PIES AND PIONEERS

Even though that golf overrunning didn't actually stop the whole game being shown, Sky can thank their lucky stars that it was a Celtic match and not a Sevco one! Celtic fans were complaining that Scottish football was being treated as second-rate; somehow, I don't think The Peeppul would have reacted that way. They'd have been screaming about 'Raynjurz Haturz' and 'the wrong sort' taking over the country. Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch would start finding poorly-made explosives turning up in his mail!

As for the pie thrown at Scott Brown, can you imagine what the reaction would have been in the media if it had been a Celtic supporter that had thrown the meaty missile? There would have been outrage at food being tossed about when there are so many people starving in the world. We would have been told how dangerous it was; the player could have slipped on the morsel and banged his head, perhaps even ending up dead. And then there would have been the Daily Record headline: "Celtic thug attempts to give player BSE!"

Keith Jackson looked like he was going to surprise us all yesterday, with his article on how Sevco could struggle badly if they make it into the Premiership. He starts off by downplaying the victory at Palmerston but soon reverts to his default position of pointing fingers at everybody except the 'Real Raynjurz Men'. He also goes on about the police 'raid' at Sports Direct HQ, when we have already discovered that all that happened was a couple of coppers turning up and politely asking for some paperwork, which, apparently, was handed over without argument. He also regurgitates the old 'Craig Whyte was a crook' garbage, when there's no evidence whatsoever that Whyte made any money out of his ownership. On the contrary, all his cheating was to the benefit of Rangers; something that the likes of Jackson seem to forget.

You've got to laugh at the way the Daily Record described the match at Palmerston. "In between, Derek Lyle equalised for Queens, but there was to be no shock to match the two and three goal victories recorded in Dumfries by the Doonhamers in the regular season." Shock? Looking back at the matches played during the season, the only 'shock' was the Sevco win at Ibrox way back in August. Meanwhile The Peeppul are already celebrating, as if they've got one foot in the Premiership already. The triumphalism in yesterday's Record phone-in is hilarious, especially since there's every chance that QOS could slaughter Sevco at Ibrox next week. A bit of a wake-up call for The Peeppul: I was talking to a Hibs supporter yesterday and, according to him, they're hoping for a Sevco victory as they'd rather face them than QOS!

While Freemasons everywhere are crying their eyes out over this video, The Peeppul themselves are getting all hot and bothered about a new painting hanging at the top of the marble staircase. The artist, Helen Runciman, has captured some things perfectly: Sooperally has rather a worried look on his face as he stands in his usual, arms folded, position, while Lee McCulloch's dial is thuggery personified. She's also made sure that McCulloch's infamous elbow is well to the fore. It has to be said, though, that, apart from the face, she hasn't exactly depicted Sooper in a true-to-life fashion. The catalogue model in her picture bears no resemblance whatsoever to the wee, fat, baldy man that used to skulk at the side of the Ibrox pitch. When asked for his opinion, Sooperally said, "Nivvur mind that - how come naeb'dy ivvur threw pies it me?"

The main grievance of The Peeppul, however, concerns the inclusion of Neil Alexander, who has had the unmitigated gall to demand the £84,000 owed to him by Sevco. Probably, though, they're more pissed off about the name of the opus: "The New Pioneers", which is a reminder of the fact that it is a new club that is now plying its trade at Ibrox. I wonder how much Ms Runciman charged for this painting? Her website gives no indication about how much she charges for commissions but I'm willing to bet that only the super-rich, like Sooperally, can afford one. And yet more money is pished down the marble staircase...

Meanwhile, the furore surrounding the abuse suffered by the author Jakey Rolling (© Karen Dunbar) is shown up for the pile of shite it is in the Guardian. One of the insults thrown at her by the 'Cybernats' was, apparently, "Blairite scum". If you were reading on here the other day, you'll recognise this particular phrase as having been written by a UKIP supporter. Strangely, there are no links to any of the abusive Twitter accounts; they've all been deleted. So how do they know that the abuse was written by Scottish Nationalists? The whole thing sounds about as true as the stories about the author's time as a single mother on benefits!

"Ah don't really get this picture, Helen."

 

"It's tae show the strong connection that Raynjurz hiz goat tae the Queen an' the armed forces. Ye kin see aw the planes an' sodjers an' that an' the playurz reflectin' aboot the war an' that!"

 

"Aye, but where's the big shipyerd cranes tae show Raynjurz's real contribution tae the war effort?"

 

"Shut it, ya fanny!"