JABBA THE AGNIVORE

A READING FROM THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LEGGAT, HATELEY ETC. ETC. 

And God said, 'Let us make unto ourselves a football team that it might reflect glory unto us.' And God did tell His peeppell to make unto Him a temple. And they built the temple near the river and packed it with asbestos so that it would not catch afire. And they did call it Ibrox and God turned His countenance upon it and saw that it was good. And His peeppell did attend the temple and praised His name, singing songs unto Him and singing songs of peace and love unto their fellow man.

And then Satan, that old snake, did look upon the temple with envy and said unto others, 'Let us do something to rid ourselves of this temple and the peeppell within.' And the tax collectors heard the words of Satan and said, 'Let us invent a way to cheat money from the peeppell and their temple will close.' And the tax collectors did invent new taxes that only the peeppell were to pay and did sorely afflict them. And the evil-doers in the land did ridicule the peeppell and call them cheats. And the Pharisees at Hampden did call for the temple to be destroyed.

And Pontius Regan did ask all the people in the land, 'What shall be done with them?' And the people did cry, 'Crucify them! Crucify them!' And Pontius Regan did wash his hands and Rangers was put to death.

And on the third day Rangers rose again and the prophet Green said, 'Behold, it is the same Rangers that has been resurrected.' And the peeppell did rejoice but the others in the land were sore afraid and the Pharisees at Hampden did say, 'Let them be banished from the Promised Land!' And verily Rangers were sent out from the Promised Land to wander in the wilderness. And they did wander to the land of Esseffell, where King David Longmuir did say, 'Let them reside in the city of Divthree.' And the peeppell were angry at being banished but settled in the city of Divthree in the land of Esseffell.

And the peeppell did gird their loins and prepared for war with those who had triumphed in the Promised Land and did resolve to take it back for themselves. And the prophets Green and Tray-norr did say, 'Verily, verily, I say unto ye, ye shall triumph but for a short time. The peeppell will be back.' And the Pharisees and their followers were sore afraid and did inflict punishments and curses on the peeppell. But the peeppell did not flinch, knowing that God and the prophet Leggat's old, Presbyterian granny were on their side. And the peeppell said nothing against their tormentors but merely trusted in God to deliver them back to the Promised Land.