JABBA THE AGNIVORE

THE TBFC TT BRIGADE

While the followers of Trigger's Brush FC frantically batter the keypads on the library's computers, trying desperately to find out what school Stuart Hall went to, they have also decided to take umbrage with Peter Lawwell's suggestion about selling alcohol at football grounds. They all argue that it will herald a return to the 'Bad Old Days' of hooliganism and fighting. They point to the trouble a few days ago at Firhill to illustrate their point. 

First off, I don't think anybody is suggesting that the current trend of passing round a bottle of Buckie outside the ground should be transferred to inside the stadium. Nor is anyone suggesting that we should all turn up with a 'kerry oot' willy-nilly. The actual proposal is to sell alcohol inside the grounds. This will probably translate as selling beer as I can't see anyone wanting to be purveyors of wine, spirits, alcopops, fortified wine or tonic wine. Have a good think about what the future would hold. You'd have to nip down at half-time and queue to get overcharged for a half-pint, plastic tumbler of lager. Does anyone honestly think that fans are going to miss most of the game by running back and forth to get more beer, not to mention the increased need to go to the toilet? The price too would act as a deterrent to getting smashed. Have you ever seen anyone sit and get pissed with the expensive alcohol bought on a train? Exactly.

As to the behaviour of the idiots at Firhill, was this purely fueled by alcohol? Can you honestly imagine this scenario? 'Aw here, Ah'm pure pished, so Ah um, Ah'm gonny dae sump'n tae annoy everybody. Watch ma seat tae Ah nip oot an' buy a green flare!' The flares, smoke cannisters etc were all bought well beforehand. These numbskulls were planning to cause trouble and alcohol had nothing to do with it.

When I was growing up in the seventies I remember local neds, of both Glasgow footballing persuasions, sharpening up the edges of old pennies with files, soaking toilet rolls with lighter fluid and scouring junk yards for heavy bolts. One maniac even managed to make a zip-gun that could fire nails! These items were for taking to 'The Gemme.' These morons were looking for trouble, planning it even, with no alcohol involved whatsoever. Many of these characters were too young to get their hands on any alcohol, while older neds offered the advice that it was better not to drink at all as it impaired your fighting abilities!

My own abiding memory of the effects of alcohol at football grounds was the stench of the rivers of pish running down the terracing. Toilets tended to be a moss-covered wall with a concrete trench at the bottom of it. These toilets would be ankle-deep in pish by half-time and, usually, some intrepid soul had managed to discreetly leave a huge shite over in the corner. Either through laziness, or to avoid the less-than-salubrious environs of the toilets, most men elected to piss in their empty beer cans. These would stand around until knocked over by the movement of the crowd. The smell was atrocious and it was difficult to avoid standing in huge puddles of pish and vomit. This is what I remember about the days when alcohol was allowed, not the violence. 

Such antics could not happen nowadays, unless some out-and-out evil bastard decides to pish all over the person sitting in front of him! As I have already said, the price of the beer would stop people getting this drunk anyway and any violence is usually premeditated and nothing to do with the consumption of alcohol.

So why is the likes of Loony Leggat so opposed to the idea? Because it's Peter Lawwell's idea; no other reason! If Green had suggested this a few months ago they'd be falling over themselves to agree with it! Leggat claims that Lawell is just thinking about profits. Er...isn't that what he's paid to do? Which brings me nicely onto the subject of season tickets.

It's hard to argue against the fact that the crowds at Celtic Park have been somewhat less than capacity this season. It's simple economics; people can't afford the high prices for tickets. The massive take-up of season tickets this past season for Trigger's Brush FC proves my point. It's got nothing to do with loyalty or sticking two fingers up to their 'enemies,' it's simply that if the tickets are set at a reasonable price then more people will turn up. Peter Lawwell has faced up to these economic realities and decided to reduce the price of season tickets. Like any businessman, he does not advertise the real reason for the reduction, instead claiming that it's a 'reward' for supporters. Of course, all the Trigger's Brush FC supporters, including Loony Leggat, have seen fit to deride him for this. 

In today's blog Auld Loony decides to let us in on a bit of news. A little bird (a blue tit, obviously) has told him that the price of a season book for Ibrox is going to stay at the same price next season. Of course, just like Lawwell, nobody is going to admit the real reason for this. Instead, Leggat hails it as a master-stroke to bring in more funds for Sooperally! Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Trigger's Brush FC been running at a loss this year? So how is freezing the price of a season book going to bring in more money? Loony Leggat really is excelling himself these days!

Yesterday Leggat was calling on the 'Loyal' to turn up at Ibrox this weekend to show their appreciation for the 'youngsters' and Sooperally. He says that there should be 

"...a wholehearted acknowledgement of the weight which Alastair McCoist has carried for more than a year"

I think that's something we can all agree on!