PICTURE THIS

I see on McMurdo's blog that several complaints have been submitted to the Press Complaints Commission about the Daily Record publishing a picture of Brian Stockbridge's house. Do they really think they're going to get anywhere? To their way of thinking, what happened was that some heidbangers printed out the picture and then drove about until they found the address. It said in the DR that his house 'overlooked the River Clyde' so that narrowed it down a bit.

You can just imagine a car, with Billy, Billy, Billy and Billy, following the River Clyde all the way to Largs to find the address and then suddenly realising that there are also houses on the Dumbarton side, as well as on the islands. By God, it must have taken a while! Have a look at a map of the Firth of Clyde and you'll see just what a mammoth task it would be. Then again, maybe they just took down the address of every big house looking onto the Clyde and sent them all death threats, just to make sure!

Meanwhile, the Gravy War is hotting up, with Paul Murray bemoaning the news that the AGM won't take place until Christmas. Maybe the current board are expecting Santa to come in and rescue them! Apparently the Requisitioners (Nobody expects the Bisto Requisition!) have got a replacement board all lined up, ready to just slide into place once they've got rid of the current lot. That got me thinking about what they might do if they manage to take over. The big thing they've been banging on about is all the money being wasted so, presumably, they've got a plan to cut costs. I wonder if the Bisto Kids would be so supportive if they stopped and thought about what needed to be done!

First thing would have to be that Sooperally's fat arse would be booted out the door. Considering the salary he's on he's hardly set the place alight, has he? All he seems able to do is to follow his mentor's ways and spend money on players that Bisto FC can ill afford. A new manager, with real man-management and football-training skills, not to mention a brain, would have to be appointed; somebody that doesn't need SPL players to take on the butchers and bakers in the lower leagues.

Obviously the next item on the agenda would be cutting the wage bill. The money is fast running out and throwing cash at SPL-standard players is extravagant to say the least. At long last the club would be made to live within its means.

The directors as well would have to have their salaries slashed. Presumably those involved in this takeover are aware of this and are prepared to accept a subsistance-level salary of £100,000!

This would cheer the hearts of the Bisto Kids, who can look forward to their new club surviving for at least another year and maybe even longer. I wonder how long this cheer and goodwill would last, though, when you consider what the consequences would be. With a curtailment of the ludicrous spending, Bisto FC would now be competing on a level playing-field. Winning Division 1 would no longer be a cast-iron certainty and the team might struggle. It's well within the realms of possibility that they might slide down the table and be in Division 1 for another season at least. Would the Bisto Kids be willing to accept this, while watching Celtic rake in the cash from Europe?

Is it any wonder, then, that the Requisitioners, despite demands from McMurdo et al, have not exactly been forthcoming about what their plans are? Tough decisions are called for. Either the board cuts its cloth to suit and tries to ensure survival, or it keeps on splashing the cash and hoping for the best. Getting up into the Premiership quickly seems to be the current plan; assuming, of course that they last that long!

But then there's always The Messiah, Dave King, who is apparently coming over from South Africa to 'hold talks' with both sides. Will he start pouring money in, assuming he's still got any, without some kind of position on the board? Would he be willing to just keep throwing money for other folk to decide what to do with? Despite what Loony Leggat says on his blog today, the chances of AIM finding The Messiah 'fit and proper' are slim. There is no escaping the fact that the man is a convicted criminal.

But surely there are big-money men from all over the world waiting to invest in Bisto FC? After all, the Bisto Kids never tire of telling us this. Ask them to name one, however, and you are met with silence. It's all a sham. Why would anyone invest in an operation that's going nowhere fast?

The Bisto Kids are currently spunking over Twitter, Facebook etc about a supposed quote from Alex Ferguson's autobiography. Apparently, he wrote about Celtic, ”it’s a classless club with no respect towards others. They’re not a popular club at all amongst Europe’s big clubs." I've got a couple of observations about that. Firstly, I wonder if Ferguson actually said that. The Bisto Kids are notorious for making things up and then they all believe every word. If Ferguson did say that then it shows a distinct lack of class on his part. Maybe he should remember the club with 'respect towards others' that got rid of him because of the religion of his wife!

Anyway, let's try to end on a lighter note. How many Bisto Kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one; and another few thousand to swear blind that it's the same bulb!

"They even sent me death threats! I thought they were from Yoko Ono but then I discovered they were from the hangers-on of a dead club, not a dead singer!"