THE SIMON COWELL REFERENDUM

Anybody that's read my book 'Torrent' will have an idea of how I saw the 'No' campaign panning out. I was inspired by the scare stories coming out about Irish Republican sympathisers being arrested in Scotland, supposedly for having a cache of arms and bomb-making equipment. Although probably not going to the extremes that they did in my book, I genuinely thought that this was the road that the Better Together mob was going to go down, especially with all the anti-Irish and anti-Catholic rhetoric evident on some of the blogs that are against independence. It seems, however, that they're going to use a different scare tactic.

They've started the ball 'Rowling' with the Harry Potter author telling us all how she's worried about funding for medical research in an independent Scotland. Of course, this is a disingenuous argument; where is the funding coming from at the moment? Rowling glories in letting us all know how generous she is, like one of the rich people in the story of the Widow's Mite in the Gospels. So it was with some ceremony and widespread media coverage that she gave Edinburgh University £10m in 2010 to fund research into MS. Why would she need to do that if such research was already adequately funded?

And now the Daily Record has decided to tug at the heart-strings even more, with the story that Gordon Aikman, a former gymnast, has been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, the same disease that Fernando Ricksen is stricken with. Of course, everyone's thoughts are with him and his family as they are with anyone suffering from this incurable condition, but the Daily Record looks to make political capital out of it by making sure that we know, right from the headlines, that he is a Better Together campaigner.

Now, I'll have to put my hands up, or, perhaps, hold my head up high, and say that I've never watched the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent. It's difficult to avoid exposure to it, however, as the newspapers are full of stories about the sad wannabes that take part in these competitions. It appears, from what I've seen in the media anyway, as if you win votes not with your talent but by coming up with the biggest sob story. All you read is, 'I want to win for my mum, who died last year' or 'Dying granny urged me to go on X Factor' or 'I'm dedicating my performance to my dead sister.' It looks as if all the competitors do this now and folk are getting a bit sceptical about it.

It looks like, in the Daily Record at any rate, this is the new Better Together tactic. Are the 'Yes' campaigners searching in their ranks at this very moment to find somebody that has an equally distressing story to tell? Hopefully not, as I wouldn't like to see the side that I support stoop to this kind of thing.

One interesting point from the story in the Daily Record is that Aikman has discovered that some MND sufferers in some parts of Scotland are being asked to pay for help with basic care. That doesn't say much for the status quo, does it? The DR also prints a website address for Gordon Aikman's 'MND appeal.' Now what's that about? We're being told that a 'No' vote will safeguard research programmes into these horrible diseases, so why the need for charitable donations?

So it seems that this is the tactic that Better Together are going to use: trying to frighten us all that there'll be no medical research done in an independent Scotland. The next step will be trying to tell us that the NHS is under threat, which is laughable given the state of it these days. Have you been in a hospital lately? When I was a child I remember every part of a hospital smelling of disinfectant while everything was crisp and clean; you could probably have eaten your dinner off the floor. Nowadays all you can smell is pish while treatment-room walls are smeared with blood and shite. Maybe things won't improve in an independent Scotland but they certainly couldn't get any worse!

A final thought about JK Rowling. I've enjoyed all her Harry Potter books. Some folk claim that they're derivative but it's hard to find any book or film that isn't. Although enjoying the stories and the characters, there's an undercurrent in the novels that I didn't like. Magical creatures, like elves, have to be taken care of and nurtured; they can't be trusted to look after themselves. I've a feeling that Rowling was thinking of Scottish people when she was writing about these characters!

And so onto lighter matters and the news that Hughie Green is making a comeback. I wonder, though, if he's ever actually been away. There's been no proof shown that he sold all his shares to the Easdales and he's probably been hovering around in the background somewhere. As far as The Peeppul are concerned, however, his tea's oot and he's not welcome. If you've read 'Clash of the Agnivores' you'll know my opinion as to why. See what I did there? Another wee plug.

"Ay oop, Ah've joost coom back t'ask what all t'problems are with t'season books. Stop thay mitherin' an get 'em bought. Me chateau needs soom work on t'roof, tha knows! An' remember, if tha ever does owt for nowt do it for thysen! An' why don't tha dae what Ah did an' buy t'history?"

 

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Apparently the paperback's on special offer at the moment!