IT'S ALL COMING APART

One thing that has struck me during the independence debate is how, right from the start, the YES campaign has been based on the same ideas and promises, while the NO one has changed from week to week. To be honest, up until recently the Better Together campaign was hardly what you'd call a campaign at all. It was taken for granted that we'd all vote no, so what was the point? Second-rate and has-been politicians were wheeled out, feeding us the same, tired, old arguments. Now, however, things have changed.

Now we've got David Cameron and Ed Milliband shaking their SatNavs in desperation, trying to find out how the fuck you get to Scotland. They're coming out with all manner of deals to try and make it so that we won't vote YES, not understanding that it's precisely that condescending manner of giving us more powers that we're pissed-off with. Why the hell should we wait about to see what's going to be granted to us when we can take it for ourselves?

The smell of shite-stained breeks is wafting all over Scotland and they're especially terrified about the Orange Lodge's march in Edinburgh this Saturday. I'm not too sure where they're intending to march but usually Princes Street is off limits and closes for no bugger. I remember years ago there was an EU summit in Edinburgh; even then the limousines were kept off Princes Street and were sent along George Street instead. I've no doubt that there's last-minute meetings going on to try to get this march cancelled; after all, the sight of hundreds of Ulster bigots trying to tell Scotland how to vote will drive many into the YES camp. If Alex Salmond has any say in the matter, it'll be a high-profile event, with all traffic halted on Princes Street so that everybody can see them. In that case, I'll see you all on Saturday. I'll be the guy at the foot of The Mound selling eggs, a pound each or three for two quid!

The biggest piece of nonsense coming out at present is all those companies saying they're going to uproot and move south if we vote YES. Standard Life, apparently, is going to move its pension funds to England. What a load of shite! Pension funds don't sit in a bank account doing nothing; they're invested all over the globe in safe, but high-yield businesses, like armaments companies. There are always wars and you can't fight without guns, bombs, planes, tanks etc. You can always tell somebody with a pension fund; they're the one sitting grinning when the news tells of mass bloodshed in Africa or the Middle East. Every death means replacement ammunition needing to be bought, which adds up to a nice, fat pension.

Since all the pension money is tied up in global companies and is administered by global financial institutions it makes not one jot of difference where the front counter, so to speak, is situated. So this is just another scare story or, more likely, Standard Life is looking to consolidate, move operations to England and shed Scottish jobs and see this as an ideal opportunity to do so while somebody else takes the blame. They've also made it clear that they're not happy about increased devolution, which gives credence to the idea that the move has nothing whatsoever to do with independence.

All the scare stories that we've been hearing are either based on fantasy or are downright, petulant blackmail. Take the idea of a currency union, for example. There's no reason for it not to work except for the Westiminster Government's determination to make sure it doesn't. It's an empty threat, though. Do you honestly think that all the companies in England that currently do business with Scotland will stand by and let the Westminster Government force Scotland into a different currency, thereby costing those companies more money due to exchange rates? Not a chance. The whole idea is ridiculous. That's why Salmond has not come out with a Plan B; he knows full well that he doesn't need one.

As for the clowns quoting the EU president saying that they're having a kind of moritorium and allowing no new members for a few years; so what? Maybe it's escaped their notice but Scotland already has MEPs sitting at the EU table. It would not be a case of Scotland applying for membership but the Englsih MEPs desperately trying to get us kicked out. As I keep saying, there was no problem with Germany reuniting and getting extra MEPs so why should Scotland be kicked out when there would be no change in the number of members?

My favourite threat, however, is Ed Milliaband's promise to put guards on the Scottish border. I mean...why? The only possible reason I can think of is to stop The Peeppul trying to migrate en masse into England. The very idea of that lot descending upon them has many a sphincter quivering with fright, and not just those of the goats!

Speaking of The Peeppul, they're all up in arms at this guy from Malaysia looking round Ibrox. According to Bisto FC, however, he was just there to look into a youth development partnership, as well as Bisto's community and social inclusion strategies. I don't know which one of those is the most risible! Youth development? Where? Community? Like the old club ripping everybody off? And don't get me started on 'inclusion strategies'! Inclusion! Don't make me laugh. Meanwhile a UOF spokesperson said, "Wae don't waant fuckin' Chinkies at the Big Hoose!"

But the biggest problem with Sandy Easdale's lunch date was the other character present; one Rafat Rizvi. This is the man that swindled a bank in Indonesia and is on Interpol's 'most wanted' list. Even worse than that, as far as The Peeppul are concerned, is his connection to Charles Green. Remember all the tapes of secret conversations among Green, Whyte and Rizvi? As usual, though, The Peeppul attempt to shift the blame. Look at this cracker from one of them on the DR Hotline: 

"It doesn’t say much for Interpol if they cannot find Rafat Rizvi who had a tour of Ibrox followed by lunch while being followed by a host of photographers."

What a dick! Britain doesn't have an extradition treaty with Indonesia so there's nothing Interpol can do when Rizvi goes swanning about here. No doubt if Rizvi manages to get his feet under the table in the Blue Room it'll be all Interpol's fault. There's another name for Ze List!

The Daily Record's forums are getting more and more ridiculous these days. The other day I tried to write 'Torky the Twat' on it. I was told that I could not post until I removed the word 'twat'. There are plenty of other words that they won't let you post, apart from the obvious ones. Try 'hun' and you'll set all the alarm bells ringing. Some folk get round the rules by using extra letters, dashes or symbols, like *. The Daily Record are dead-set, it seems, on not causing offence. Apparently, however, there's one word that seems to be perfectly acceptable: 'bogtrotter'. I've seen this foul term used repeatedly on the DR forums, unadorned by any attempt to disguise it. There are no attempts either by the DR to remove these posts, while other posts disappear all around them. Do you think this is because:

a) The Daily Record moderators haven't noticed?
b) The Daily Record moderators don't know what the word means?
c) Anti-Irish racism is alive and well?

Finally, I was hoping to have my book set in Garngad finished by Christmas but I'm only about a third of the way through and when I'm finished I'll still need to edit the whole thing. I'm going to keep going to see if I can reach my target so I might not be on here so often! 

Datuk Faizoull Bin Ahmad is shown the great traditions of community and inclusion at Ibrox.