Friday, 11 September 2015


Anyone reading Honest Dave's latest ramblings could be forgiven for thinking that he's come down with dengue fever or something; either that or some substance was slipped into his drink while he 'jetted in'.

First on the agenda was coming to an 'agreement' with Sooperally. Considering there are only three months left on his contract, it's hardly a major coup, is it? King goes out of his way to keep the myths going about Sooper, such as the one about him working for free when, in fact, his salary was deferred, meaning he was paid back later. And then there's the one about him accepting only half his salary; we were told constantly that this was going to happen but I don't remember anybody telling us that it had happened! In other words, it's a load of shite. Honest Dave goes on to tell us about Sooper (and his mum) having seats in the director's box. This is the least King can do after everything Sooper did to tarnish the previous regime at Sevco. See 'Never Mind the Zombies' for more on my theory about Ally being a Fifth Columnist working on behalf of King.

Next up is King's contention that Hibs approached Sevco about buying Scott Allan. Now why the hell would Hibs do that? The truth is that Sevco knew they couldn't afford him and only put in those bids, and got their friends in the media to put pressure on Hibs, in order to cause a bit of upset at Easter Road. The Petrofac Cup game proved that the strategy worked. Leeann Dempster denies everything Honest Dave says; so it comes down to which one of them you're prepared to believe. You know what would help us decide who's lying? - if either of them had ever had their capacity for telling the truth called into question by somebody official.

And it seems as if every team in the Premiership is looking at some serious skid marks next season; while the cream of European football has an extra year to get new underpants ready. Sevco's coming down the road (again!) and Honest Dave's going to add five new players to his current squad to make sure they steamroller everybody in their path. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't his current squad contain a number of loan players that will all be buggering off next summer, if not sooner? So as well as getting new folk in, he's going to have to replace the ones he's already got. That's nearly a whole new team; so where's the money going to come from? He admits in his interview with Jackson that there's not enough money to see out the season so, again, where's this cash coming from? It sounds like a load of pish to me.

Keefy promised on Twitter that he was going to press King about that £30m, his 'children's inheritance'. In his 'hard-hitting' interview, this is all that was said:

"Q: But you did promise to invest £30m of your children’s inheritance. Didn’t that box you into a corner?
A: No because people are not saying that to me - not outside of this room. It only ever comes up in chats with you guys.
You people have reasons for continuing to bring it up."

And that was it. No asking what these supposed 'reasons' were, no pressing him on when this £30m is going to appear. In fact, during the whole interview, there was no pressing King on anything. Despite Jackson trying to make it appear as if he was going to grill Honest Dave, all we got was just another piece of Level 5 propaganda.

The best bit of the whole thing, though, was when Honest Dave promised to save the 'Oldco' (i.e. Rangers) from liquidation. He is apparently going to pay the creditors, hoping that they might take 50p in the pound. (Aye, right! More like 5p in every £10,000!) The plan then is to transfer the assets back to Rangers and pretend that the past few years never happened. Quite apart from the fact that it would cost him a fortune he clearly doesn't have, there's the little problem of the shareholders. If he saves Rangers from the brink then those currently worthless pieces of paper, shares in Rangers, will suddenly become worth something again, especially if he is going to transfer the assets back. So where will that leave the Sevco shareholders? And what about Ashley's contracts? There's no way in hell that this mad scheme is going to work. It was crazy when Bill Miller first suggested it in 2012 and it's crazy now!

Speaking of crazy, I see McMurdo and his disciples are getting a bit overexcited at the news that the Deutsche Girl, Auld Lizzie, has now become the longest-serving monarch in British history. It's quite heartening to note that the general public doesn't seem to give a flying fuck, but the Merlinites are falling over themselves to tell us how wonderful she is. McMurdo himself views it as an opportunity to expound his theories from the 'Junior Huns Book of World History', i.e. that Hurmadge is descended from King David and everyone in the British Isles (apart from those pesky Irish, of course) is descended from the Lost Tribes of Israel. He has to, as per usual, wax lyrical about the British Empire. Perhaps if he read some real history books for a change, he'd know that empire building is a sure sign of a country's economic decline. Ask any Ancient Roman senator from the days of the republic and he'll tell you the same!

Before I continue - Monti - get yourself seated and somebody keep the smelling salts handy! The book I'm currently writing is, I think, going to end up as one of those 600-page doorstoppers. Amazon doesn't care about the content of a book; their prices are determined by how many pages are in it. Therefore - steady, Monti - when it finally comes out, this particular tome will probably cost at least a tenner for the paperback. Where's that sal volatile? I'm afraid there's more.

I started off writing children's books and then branched out into doing more grown-up stuff. While I've been selling a reasonable amount of my grown-up books my poor children's books have been sitting on the Amazon shelves gathering digital dust. Since I'm making not a penny from them, I thought I might as well do a promotion and donate all the profits to charity. The charity I've chosen is Aberlour Child Care Trust, to whom I used to give via direct debit back in my wealth-laden teaching days. You can find out all about them by clicking here.

I'm not setting a time limit on this and I'll do the same for any other children's books I write. Now comes the faint-inducing part. When I set the prices for the four books in the 'Skyscraper Rocket Ship' series, I wanted to make sure that they were all the same price. This meant that I would have made very little in the way of profits on a couple of these books. One of them would only provide 9p for each book sold. In order to raise a reasonable amount for Aberlour (assuming, of course, that folk actually buy the books!) I've had to - wait for it - raise the price of these four books by 55p. Oh, God, he's passed out completely!

Anyway, have a look and see what you think. And they needn't only be read by kids, you know!

You can find the books, and links to their Amazon pages, by clicking here.

Finally, apropos of nothing, I found myself face-to-face with one of those giant house spiders last night. A huge fucker it was; nearly as big as a tarantula. I employed my usual, humane, method of disposal: guiding it into a plastic cup and then letting it go in the garden. The bastard was faster than I thought and it came running up the piece of card I was using to push it toward the cup. Christ, my life flashed before my eyes as it nearly reached my hand! Eventually I got it out into the garden, where it is no doubt at this very moment plotting its way back into the house. It's weird how even when these brutes that invade my house give me the heebie-jeebies, I still can't bring myself to kill them. Except, of course, when it's a wasp - in that scenario no quarter is asked or given!


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