JABBA THE AGNIVORE

FILM 2013

While the rich and famous are partying in Cannes with champagne, cocaine and prostitutes that cost the price of a semi-detached in Clarkston, Ibrox has decided to have its own film festival. One of the entries, a cert for the prestigious Palme d'Orange, shows Malcolm Murray, obviously the worse for wear, being helped out of a restaurant. A few Holy Willie-type noises of disapproval are made by the person taking the video. The Daily Record has identified one of the voices as that of Brian Stockbridge, a director of Trigger's Brush FC. Stockbridge had admitted taking the video, apparently to show at a board meeting!

Now, Stockbridge has denied categorically that he uploaded this video to the internet; so who did? In this technological age there is no need for a video taken on a mobile phone to be uploaded to a computer and rendered into a compatible format for everyone to see. With a modern phone it is possible, in fact, simple, to just plug a cable into the phone, attach the other end to a TV or monitor and show everybody your video in widescreen, HD glory! So, essentially, there was no need for copies of Stockbridge's video to exist, unless he made a back-up on his own computer. He could have shown his video, everyone would have shaken their heads and tut-tutted and another nail would have gone into Murray's coffin.

So what, exactly, am I getting at here? Obviously, if Stockbridge is right and he didn't upload the video to the internet then somebody else had a copy. There was no necessity whatsoever for anybody to have a copy of this video and the only way they could have got it was from Stockbridge. I can imagine the scenario being the same as in secondary schools up and down the country. Teenagers very rarely have their mobile phones out of their hands and are always ready to record embarrassing incidents. These videos are sent from mobile to mobile so everybody can get a laugh and then usually end up on You Tube. Equally, Stockbridge's video was probably shared so they could all look, laugh and comment on the state that Murray was in!

Amazingly many Trigger's Brush FC supporters see this as normal business practice! Anything goes, apparently, in undermining confidence in a business rival. One of them even compared it to Celtic tapping Tommy Burns from Kilmarnock! Hardly! Yes, Celtic's behaviour was underhand and they were fined for it but it is hardly in the same league as a supposed friend taking you out, getting you pissed and then video-recording the aftermath! That's like something Alan B'Stard would do or the kind of plot you would find in the pages of a Tom Sharpe novel! It certainly begs the question: if that's how they treat their friends, then what the hell would they do with people they perceive as enemies?

Like some twisted version of Godwin's Law, you can always rely on the fact that in any discussion on a Trigger's Brush FC blog, or on a website where Trigger's Brush FC supporters are involved, the name Torbett will crop up. Of course, this situation has proven to be no exception! There have been rumours floating around for years that Torbett was involved in similar disgusting practices at Rangers and that they stood by and warned nobody, least of all Celtic, about what the guy was like. Considering the way the Ibrox crew treat their friends then this story becomes all the more plausible. In fact, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he was deliberately pointed in the direction of Celtic Park. It certainly makes you think!

Anyway, the divisions inside Ibrox are reflected among the support and battle lines are being drawn. Bill McMurdo is adamant that Murray should go and is sticking to his guns over supporting Green. He, and the ones that agree with him (although not all his posters do) are quite happy to see the Easdales and King involved in some capacity, but, really, they want Green back. Leggat, on the other hand, is firmly on Murray's side, and is determined to carry out the sort of character assassination on Ahmad that he usually reserves for Graham Spiers. Mind you, I suppose anybody that falls out of a restaurant steaming is okay in Leggat's book!

So what are we to make of all this? It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious! The Trigger's Brush FC support have been arrogantly accusing everyone else for their woes and branding just about everybody as 'enemies.' Now they've got 'enemies' in the boardroom but they can't make their minds up over who these 'enemies' are! Graham Roberts's list must be running into a page-count to rival War and Peace by now!

And, as expected, they're all crying 'conspiracy' over the fact that Hearts have not been docked points. 'Why the need to consult Lithuanian lawyers?' they cry. Maybe they don't understand what happened. UBIG, Romanov's company and the biggest shareholder in Hearts (the 'holding company' for the hard-of-thinking) were cited on a Lithuanian government website as being one of a number of insolvent companies. Obviously this needed to be investigated; the upshot being that UBIG has not gone into administration - yet! If it does then Hearts will start the new season with a points deduction. No conspiracy, no dodgy dealings and no special treatment. Still, you can't blame the supporters of Trigger's Brush FC. Dodgy dealings, lies and back-stabbing are the norm at their club so they automatically think that everyone's at it!

So what does Big Jabba have to say to all this? Nothing, apparently. If you have a look at the official Trigger's Brush FC website there are nothing but tumbleweeds bouncing along. Oh, wait, they're banging on again about their 'worldwide' fan base. Their TV channel is going to be reporting from California at the end of May where a convention of North American supporters will be taking place. Apparently there are going to be around - wait for it - 800 folk turning up! Yes, they've certainly managed to tap into that North American market!

Graham Roberts updates his list.