JABBA THE AGNIVORE

GANGSTA'S PARADISE

The current troubles at Tynecastle have brought many a Trigger's Brush FC supporter out from commenting on the battle for the dark soul of their club to have their say about Hearts. Will Hearts be 'punished' the way their team was? The story in the press is that if Hearts go into administration they will be deducted 17 points. Why so many? Rangers were only deducted 10 points so why the increase in punishment for Hearts? And if Hearts were to go into liquidation and start afresh, as The The Heart of Midlothian FC or whatever, then they would have to apply to get into the Scottish League. Trigger's Brush FC supporters claim that everyone will 'bend over backwards' to keep them in the SPL. Somehow I doubt that. What these clowns should keep in mind, however, is that the SFA and the SFL bent over backwards to allow their new club into the Scottish League set-up ahead of other, more deserving, clubs.

There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth over Hearts, and maybe others, going into administration or worse. 'We need to do something,' seems to be the general opinion; but what do they suggest? Businesses fail all the time and football clubs are no different. In the current economic climate, football clubs need to realise that people can't afford top dollar for season tickets, cup tickets and new strips. Like other businesses, they need to adapt to appeal to their customers. The huge take-up of season tickets at Ibrox had nothing to do with 'loyalty' and everything to do with the price being more affordable. All teams, and I include Celtic in this, need to realise that it's all very well splashing the cash to progress in Europe but eventually this will become unsustainable as less and less people can afford to spend money on tickets, strips and other products. Football clubs need to tailor themselves to fit the society we live in today; if that means some clubs going to the wall then so be it.

Romanov, like Murray before him, spent a fortune chasing the European dream. The global economic crash, therefore, hit both of them hard. It might well take a spell down in the First Division, or further down if liquidation happens, to teach Hearts to live within their means. This might not be the case, however, as Trigger's Brush FC wasted millions this year just to win Division Three!

If all those involved in football are serious about staving off the decline and disappearance of some, or many, of our clubs then the best thing they can do is to start cutting their cloth to suit their means. Forget Europe. Of course, they can still take part in European competitions and, hopefully, rake in some much-needed cash, but the main concern should be about keeping Scottish football alive. Bring the price of tickets down and stop spending money that you don't have on players for the European stage. None of our clubs has the resources to compete with the big boys and it is about time they realised that and supplied a product for the paying punters. A steady, albeit reduced, income all round and some kind of spending curb would, sooner rather than later, lead to a more competitive league, which could entice a better TV deal!

This is in stark contrast to the simple arses-on-seats approach constantly thrown in our faces by the fans of Trigger's Brush FC. In their minds, their new team should have been allowed straight into the SPL so that clubs could continue to collect revenue from their visiting supporters. I wonder, however, how many visiting supporters there would have been. Trigger's Brush FC would have struggled badly in the SPL and would have probably finished the season with nothing to show but the guaranteed 12 points against Motherwell! Would the supporters have turned out in droves, paying through the nose, to watch that? Or maybe when they speak of nobody 'helping' them they had something else in mind. Some kind of financial hand-outs. perhaps, in order to ensure that the league would stay 'competitive'? It's the only way it could possibly have worked.

Let's transfer this kind of argument into other sports. Take boxing, for example. Eventually, no matter how big a crowd puller he is, there comes a time when every boxer is getting too old, too slow and too prone to injury so he has to retire. But, if the high crowds are to be maintained then surely there is an argument for him to keep on fighting? Maybe to 'even things out' and make the bout 'more competitive' he should be allowed to take a lump hammer into the ring with him! Or what if a top snooker player injures his hand? Should they break the fingers of all the other competitors so he can still take part and they don't end up with somebody winning a 'tainted title'?

Football in Scotland is going through a transitional period as economic realities catch up with the clubs. If some dinosaurs end up going extinct along the way then I'm afraid that's it. That's life in the Big City. sic transit gloria mundi. Survival of the Fittest...etc. etc. etc. If clubs learn to live according to their means and entice the paying customer back then all well and good. If, however, like Trigger's Brush FC, old mistakes are going to be repeated then the whole lot's going to end up going down the toilet!

Meanwhile Bill McMurdo has got grounds to feel smug after Loony Leggat was forced to admit that Ahmad is, apparently, on the side of Dave King. According to Leggat, he was sent an e-mail confirming this by Ahmad himself! Old Bill, however, is not exactly over the moon about being right; he wants Green back and wants to do away with the old tie-and-brogues brigade. It looks, however, as if they've got their feet wedged in the door, along with multifarious crooks and conmen.

Just look at all the protagonists in the current comedy. Green himself, a man that opens his mouth before engaging any braincells he possesses and who is possibly connected to Whyte. The possibility of such a connection is being investigated by Deloitte, a company under investigation itself for being involved in money laundering. The investigation into Green is being overseen by Pinsent Masons, who, in turn, are being investigated by the FBI for a massive, multi-million-dollar fraud. Then we have a takeover bid by a man whose assets in South Africa have been seized to pay for his tax evasion. He is opposed by two brothers whose business methods allegedly include violence and intimidation and one of whom did time in prison for VAT fraud. Being shunted about in the middle is Malcolm Murray, the chairman, whose sole crime seems to be that he drunkenly let something slip about what was going on in the boardroom! My God, compared to all these others Malcolm Murray is a saint!

The whole sorry mess is getting like the convoluted plot of Boardwalk Empire. I mentioned the FBI above; perhaps some Elliot Ness-like character is needed to clear out all the chancers, gangsters and conmen. Oops! Wait a minute. Didn't Ness get Al Capone for not paying taxes? It seems we're going round and round in circles here!

'Right, then! Who's gonny sell me thur shares?'