JABBA THE AGNIVORE

WHERE'S EARL GREY WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

In the Nineteenth Century the game of football in Scotland was a rather snooty affair. It was a game for 'gentlemen' amateurs and professionals were looked down upon and generally despised. The SFA, when founded in 1873, was pretty much dominated by Queen's Park, Scotland's oldest club and a bastion of the Corinthian spirit and gentlemanliness. The Scottish League was set up in 1890 but professionals were not allowed in the teams until 1893. Queen's Park stood aloof and refused point-blank to take part in a league that was tainted with the stain of professionalism.

At many grounds there were separate changing rooms for 'professionals' and 'gentlemen.' This snobbery was taken even further in one international match between Scotland and England. The SFA was outraged that England was fielding a professional player. Eventually, the professional was allowed to play but he had to use a different changing room from his team-mates and even had to wear a different strip!

Things began to change towards the end of the century. Many employers throughout Britain started to give their workers a half-day holiday on a Saturday. There was nothing much to do on a Saturday afternoon so football was the only game in town. The beginning of football pools increased the interest among working-class men in football. The middle classes meanwhile, abandoned Association Football (Soccer) for Rugby Football (Rugger). Some 'soccer' teams were still the preserve of the middle classes, especially Queen's Park, who snootily refused to join the Scottish Football League until into the Twentieth Century. These suited snobs, however, still managed to dominate the SFA.

Fast-forward a hundred-odd years and football has changed beyond all recognition. Professionalism is no longer the stigma it once was and the word 'amateur' has taken on a rather pejorative meaning. Many of the clubs that were around in the Nineteenth Century have disappeared as people moved and harsh economics bit. For some reason, however, a lot of the smaller Scottish teams still seem to have a disproportionate influence on football in this country or, at least, think that they should have. This hangover from the Nineteenth Century needs to change.

Being a football spectator is no longer the only option available at the weekend. The days of the wife looking after the kids while the man disappears for the day on a Saturday, and having his dinner ready for him to eat on his return before he vanishes again to the pub, are long gone. Nor can you leave the weans outside with a bottle of lemonade and a bag of crisps while you nip in for a pint or two. Nowadays you're expected to actually do things as a family. Some families are quite happy to turn up at all their football team's home games but most are not. Football now faces serious competition from more family-friendly, more participative and cheaper activities.

This has certainly affected the amateur teams in the lower divisions, whose support tends to consist of some old boy that moans about the pies costing more than 3d. School teams draw larger crowds than some of these clubs. Many of them found the crowds that followed Trigger's Brush FC to their tiny towns extremely disconcerting. Church bells rang out to signal invasion, while venerable gentlemen, clad in tattered, old Home Guard uniforms, shuffled up and down the main street, shouting, 'Don't panic! Don't panic!' Families cowered in their homes, wondering if these strange 'foreigners' were going to eat them!

And yet, these clubs are supposed to decide the future of Scottish football. It's as if the champion at pitch-and-putt down the local park turned up at St. Andrews and demanded a say in how the game of golf is run! In England, or, for that matter, in any other country, this situation would not be tolerated. The big boys are the ones making the money so the small fry can take it or leave it when it comes to reorganisation. Not in Scotland, though, where Annan Athletic is to have as equal a say as Celtic, Hibs or Aberdeen!

It's hardly surprising, then, that the teams in the First Division have had enough. They're planning to break away from the SFL and join the SPL, forming an SPL 2. Predictably, the supporters of Trigger's Brush FC are up in arms about this. 'Selling out,' seems to be the consensus. As usual, they point to the SPL as being run by Peter Lawwell in order to convince themselves that their old team never did anything wrong and was victimised. They actually have the nerve to shout about 'Sporting integrity!'

According to the Trigger's Brush FC support, the vote taken by the SFL teams was 'democratic' and the First Division teams should abide by it. But is it really democratic? Anybody that has done History at school will have heard of the phrase 'Rotten Borough.' In the early part of the Nineteenth Century there were constituencies in the UK that had hardly any, or, in some cases, no, people living there, but still returned M.Ps. The Whigs got rid of these anomalies in 1832. Unfortunately, such a situation exists within the SFL, even in the Twenty-First Century! Why should teams that are generally supporterd by an auld man and his dug have the same voting rights as the likes of Falkirk? Some of our lower-league teams have become the footballing equivalent of Old Sarum!

What has really noised up the supporters of Trigger's Brush FC, however, is the suggestion that their team might be invited to join SPL 2. Rather than be excited by this prospect, they have all come to believe their nonsense about conspiracies and want nothing to do with an organisation 'run' by Peter Lawwell! The answer to this is simple: leave them to rot!

Amazingly the arrogance of Trigger's Brush FC's supporters knows no bounds and they honestly believe that an SFL dominated by themselves will be more of a pull than two SPL leagues! Well, best of luck to them! Still, it's hard to see which way the Ibrox board would jump, since we've no idea who is on the board, who is being dumped, who is walking away and who is coming in. If the expected fraudsters and gangsters come in then they'll want to make as much cash as possible. They would, therefore, jump at the chance of joining SPL 2. How would the 'Loyal' react then?

They're already talking about boycotting the First Division 'rebels.' But who cares? The only time they would ever meet any of them would be in the Scottish Cup. Given the results of the season just finished, they probably want to avoid going to the matches out of fear rather than principle! Let them stay with their SFL friends and rack up year after year of meaningless titles!

All of this, however, means nothing to Loony Leggat. All he's concerned about is his one-man crusade against Imran Ahmad. He says that Ahmad has been to consult a lawyer. Leggat sees this as some sort of admission of guilt; but could it be he's going to sue the PSA for slander?

Last year Leggat announced the publication of his book about the shooting of JFK. A kind soul put some excerpts of this epic up on a blog so we could all have a good laugh at it. As well as his usual anti-Irish racism, Leggat, in his magnum opus, compared Joseph Kennedy unfavourably with Winston Churchill. Kennedy was a product of state schooling in America, while Churchill was educated at the best fee-paying institutions England had to offer. This obviously points up Churchill's superiority as an individual.

Strangely, however, Leggat describes Ahmad as 'the public-school educated Englishman with the cut-glass accent.' (As usual, I have corrected Leggat's dreadful punctuation!) Somehow, I don't think he intends this as a compliment!

David Longmuir storms off in a huff!