Bisto have had 'the luck of the draw' so far (Aye, right!) and have only had to play part-time teams all the way through. Against Dundee Utd there's no chance and it's bound to be just a damage-limitation exercise. But wait, the semi-final is being played at Ibrox, which, of course, gives Bisto FC home advantage. Dundee Utd are incensed about this, and rightly so. Sooperally and Hugh Keevins ask why they have waited until now to complain; why didn't they complain in October when the venues were chosen? The fact is, however, that they did, indeed, complain, especially since Celtic were the favourites and were odds-on to be in the final at Celtic Park. Keevins is supposed to be a journalist and yet he misses an important point like this!
Here's what was said in October of last year: "For me, it would probably have been more sensible. If we weren't in it or Celtic weren't in it, then decisions could be made in terms of taking a home advantage away. It might have been better to hold on but we are where we are." That wasn't Jackie McNamara speaking, it was good old Sooperally! He's another one with a short memory.
Quite apart from the venue, the ticket allocation leaves a lot to be desired. I could be wrong but I'm sure Hampden is always split fifty-fifty for the Scottish Cup final. I seem to remember Rangers and Celtic fans complaining about empty seats and how they should have been re-allocated to them. Now, however, the SFA has decided to change the rules. Bisto are being allocated a whopping 75% of the tickets! Dundee Utd have only been alocated 13,000. So they've got to play Bisto at Ibrox in front of a crowd mostly composed of baying Bisto Kids. That hardly seems fair. What's next; Baby Dallas to referee the game? No doubt United will get at least one man sent off and a penalty or two for Bisto is a given. It seems the powers-that-be in the SFA are still working for the benefit of only one team in Scotland.
The Bisto Kids, of course, don't care how they got there; cheating is in their blood. They seem to think they've actually achieved something, instead of having it handed to them on a plate. And they go on about tainted titles! They think they've got bragging rights and are boasting about being in the semi. The word 'semi' is plastered all over the Daily Record forum. In fact, there are so many semis you'd swear you were in among a crowd of teenage boys at a Miley Cyrus concert! Hopefully Dundee Utd do the business and put them back in their place.
It looks like Dave King has been given the bum's rush and been told by the board to piss off. He's still moaning in the Daily Record about how the board is treating the fans badly but he just sounds madder than ever. Can you imagine shopping online at Tesco, then phoning them to demand they put up the store as security over your payment? Essentially that's what King's insane plan boils down to. He thought he could go in and bully the board but obviously had too high an opinion of himself. He's more used to ducking and diving behind the scenes to fleece the tax man and others and was obviously no match for Ronnie and Reggie when it came to the intimidation stakes. It's like Del Boy challenging Frankie Fraser to a square go!
Staying with the DR, that fine, upstanding organ of truth, they have a story today about poor Colin Hendry. He was physically attacked two years ago by an erstwhile friend and has only now got the court to award him £100 compensation. His daughter too received a punch during the brawl. All very sad until you read the article. Apparently Hendry was skint when his wife died and the friend loaned him £85, 000 for the funeral. (That must have been some funeral!) Afterwards Hendry was declared bankrupt and so didn't bother to pay the money back. No wonder the guy went mental! Hendry, after going bankrupt, was still living in luxury in Lytham St Annes and was out at a restaurant when his friend attacked. Sounds a lot like Hendry's old club. This of course begs the question; why didn't Hendry just get an EBT loan like his team-mates?
This expensive funeral reminds me of the guy that spotted a funeral procession going along the street. Behind the hearse was a man holding two huge Dobermans, while about three hundred men traipsed slowly behind him. Thinking it must be somebody famous and well-loved in the coffin, the guy approached the man with the dogs.
'Who's in the coffin?' he asked.
'My wife,' the man with the dogs replied.
'My God, she must have been popular! How did she die?'
'Well,' said the man with the dogs, 'she nagged day and night and finally my dogs had enough and ripped her to pieces!'
'Jee-zuz!' said the guy. After a few moments thought he added, 'Any chance I could borrow your dogs for a couple of days?'
'Sure!' answered the man with the dogs. 'Join the queue!'
Back to the DR (It's all in the Record today!) and their clinging to the 'Better Together' pary line is getting increasingly desperate. Yesterday they had a full article about Eddie Izzard, the unfunny comedian, asking Scotland to 'Stay with us!' At the bottom of the article they mentioned a few names of celebrities that support independence. That's what they call balanced reporting! Interestingly, the celebrities they're going on about at length that want us to vote 'No' seem to be English! They're also completely irrelevant; a poor excuse for a comedian and a has-been pop star. The celebrities that support independence, on the other hand, are all Scottish and far more popular than the nay-sayers. Will the Daily Record now do an article on each of the following: Frankie Boyle, Biffy Clyro, Midge Ure, Annie Lennox, Kevin Bridges, Alan Cummings, Elaine C Smith, Brian Cox and Irvine Welsh? Or does the mere mention of their names constitute a lack of bias?
No doubt you'll be getting sick of me going on about my books. There's one easy solution - go and buy one! Once I see my sales equal the number of hits I get on this blog then I won't mention it again. So it's over to you!
1-0
"That's for no' givin' us enough tickets!"
2-0
"That's fur no' changin' the venue!"
3-0
"That's fur that bastard Albertz puttin' me in hospital an' gettin' a penalty fur it!"
4-0
"That's fur yer auld team signin' Capucho!"
5-0
"An' that's fur bein' a buncha cheatin' fuckers!"
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