THE LINGERING SMELL

Have you ever gone to see a house you're thinking of buying, or maybe you're considering an exchange or been offered a new council house or thinking of renting privately nearer your work; whatever the property I think we've all encountered that room. You know the room I mean; the one where some old dear spent fifteen years coughing her way through sixty fags a day. Even if you're a smoker yourself the smell makes you gag. The seller, landlord or current tenant will tell you that all you have to do is do the Shake 'N' Vac and put the freshness back; but you know fine well that ain't gonna cut it. And you know that even if you had the window open for a year, repainted, replaced the door and floorboards and maybe even the plaster, that smell is never going to go away.

It's the same at Ibrox. No matter what happens you just know that there's going to be some kind of tribute act plying its trade there, calling itself 'Rangers.' Even if Mad Vlad Putin drags us all into nuclear destruction you know that you'll still hear the cries of 'Wee arra Peeppil' drifting up from the depths of Hades. And even while they suffer all the punishments Lucifer has to offer, they'll still claim that they're 'Coming down the road.'

So why do we still all talk about their troubles? That's easy. It's hilarious! And at least if they've got somewhere to go to spout their bigotry and hatred we know where they are and what they're up to. The last thing we want is for them to go underground, sending bombs through the post to everybody.

McMurdo yesterday started talking about parallel universes. For a minute I thought I was reading Stephen Hawking's 'A Brief History of Time.' Instead of a discussion about String Theory, expanding universes and Big Bangs, however, we get the usual guff about how Celtic are skint, Rangers (sic) are on the way up and that Phil Mac and Alex Thompson are deluded fantasists. This, of course, coming from a man that believes in a Dan Brown version of history! Even Dan Brown doesn't believe in the Dan Brown version of history, but McMurdo does. Some of his ramblings make David Icke seem sane!

Of course, their main problem is that they don't, or possibly can't, read what Phil Mac and Alex Thompson are saying. Thompson was just amazed, as a proper journalist, at the denial perpertrated in the Scottish media when it came to Rangers. He's still amazed at how our Fourth Estate reports on the old and new clubs at Ibrox. As for Phil Mac, anyone that actually took the time to read his stuff over the past week or two will see that he has been right. He predicted the crisis loan, he predicted Laxey getting the feet further under the table and there's every chance he's right about impending administration. Contrary to what the Bisto Kids say, he didn't actually say that Bisto would definitely be in administration this week. As usual, The Peeppil just see what they want to see. I suppose the Illuminati make them do it.

Meanwhile, the right-wing English press seem to be, perversely, all in favour of a NO vote in September. I say 'perversely' because most of the time they're telling us how the Scottish people are a burden on the good, healthy, clean-living, hard-working folk in the south of England. According to the likes of the Telegraph and the Mail, Scotland is full of workshy scroungers, who live on fried food, fags, Carlsberg Special Brew and heroin. Their anti-Scottish bile came through fully in the last election, when their racist filth was directed at Gordon Brown. The way they feel about us really makes you wonder why the hell they're so desperate to hold onto us! Thinking about it, I can only come up with a few reasons:

1. Andy Murray. They don't want to lose their 'British' Wimbledon champion, do they?

2. Nuclear weapons. Can you imagine the stink in London if they tried to site these on the Thames? You're 'avvin' a larf entcha? No doubt they'd try to foist them onto the folk in Merseyside, Tyneside or, more likely, they'd be dumped in Tiger Bay. You'd soon get these people clamouring to distance themselves from the Westminster Parliament as well! They might even ask to become Scottish!

3. Compliance. Is there any other part of these islands where a chunk of the population is more enamoured of a German royal family than they are of their own country? Westminster knows that no matter what shit they throw at Scotland the Oranges will tug their forelocks, thank them and ask for more.

4. Edinburgh. A Scottish accent is a rare beast in Edinburgh's New Town; how would these 'White Settlers' feel if Edinburgh returned to being the capital of Scotland? All they'd have left is the Festival!

5. Scapegoats. Who else are they going to blame for voting in Labour governments and stealing all their hard-earned tax payments?


I see quite a few of the Bisto Kids are complaining that there are Celtic fans buying tickets in the Albion Rovers end for the Scottish Cup quarter-final. Surely they realise that these folk might well be Rovers fans, like Big Jabba supports Airdrie and Wee Chick supports St Mirren!

"Ah mean, what world dae they Celtic supporters live in? Ah mean...wait...haud oan boays! Here's Jesus comin' ridin' in oan a dinosaur tae save us aw!"