The best of it is that it's the Number 1 book about 'Rangers' (sic). Amazon likes to categorise everything, so my book is in Sports, Hobbies & Games: Football: British: Football Clubs: Rangers. I certainly didn't put it in that category but the word 'Rangers' is on the cover and it doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not about the Texas Rangers or suchlike so into the Sevco section it goes. (Of course, Amazon wouldn't be selling too many books to The Peeppul if they called the club by its real name, would they?) At one point the Kindle version was Number 1, while the paperback was Number 2, knocking Sandy Chugg's nedography off that spot. Now I know how the Beatles felt in the early Sixties!
Just imagine the scenario. It's Wee Billy's twelfth birthday, so what's his faither, Billy Senior, going to get him? Replica shirts and such things are out - he can't go giving money to Ashley, can he? His wife suggests a book. Nobody in the house can read but they might be able to find one with a lot of pictures. They're not going near any bookshop; they might get laughed at, so it's off to the library to search online. The librarian, as usual, is extremely helpful and she starts up the computer and goes onto Amazon. There's no point in looking through umpteen books so the librarian suggests looking at the best-selling books about Rangers (sic). And there it is - Never Mind The Zombies!
'Ah don't like the looky that!' says Billy. 'Zombies? An' what the fuck's an aggievore? An' how come the writin's aw funny like that?'
'I think it's a spoof on that album by the Sex Pistols,' replies the librarian.
'No, not The Who, the Sex Pistols. You know, Johnny Rotten and all that!'
'Johnny Fuckin' Rotten? Ah hate that bastard! Did ye know ays da's Irish and the hale faimly ur aw Kafflicks 'n 'at! Anywye, what's aw that writin' there?'
'That's telling you what the book's all about. Do you want me to read it out?' asks the librarian.
'Bastard!' shouts Billy five minutes later, as he tries to get his foot back out of the interior of the monitor.
Five minutes after that Billy is limping out the door, the monitor still stuck to his foot, with a life ban from the library ringing in his ears.
Help keep this scenario a reality and really piss off The Peeppul. It doesn't matter if you buy the paperback or the Kindle version - let's keep 'Never Mind The Zombies' at Number 1. Just click on the image below to go to the Amazon page.
And don't just take my word for it that the book's any good. Look at what these celebrities have to say.
"This book takes bampottery to a new Level."
"Steer well clear of this lying pile of shite!"
"Just another Raynjurz Hatur!"
"It's a fucking disgrace, playmates!"
"What? Who? What?"
"Don't believe a word. This guy Anderson's just out to make some bread!"
"Ah'm no' scary-lookin' at aw. Ma Mammy said Ah'm the handsomest man in the world!"
"Thurz nothin' wrang wi' ma artwork. Wanny ma pictures wiz oan 'Vision On'!"
"The Big Chart must stye untainted!"
"How much um Ah gettin' fur this again?"
"Ah couldnae find wan thing in it Ah could steal furran Exclusive!"
"Meessa's so fuckin' embarrassed!"