The pathetic Football Tax Havens, an obsessive site where somebody with a lot, and I mean a lot, of time on his hands desperately tries to prove financial chicanery at Celtic in a bid to deflect from the troubles at Ibrox. This mainly involves supposedly crooked land deals between Glasgow Council and Celtic. One of these deals was the purchase of the site of the old Lennox Castle Hospital, where Celtic currently has its training facilities. It took long enough for the clown writing this guff to realise that Lennoxtown is actually in East Dunbartonshire, not Glasgow, and that the land concerned belonged to the NHS. This oversight has now been corrected and, apparently, East Dunbartonshire Council and the NHS are also part of this conspiracy to help Celtic.
Meanwhile, those fine, upstanding, anonymous fellows at Vanguard Bears are outraged at the money being spent in the East End of Glasgow. It's all just to benefit one team, they bleat. In fact, if they are to be believed, the whole Glasgow bid for the Commonwealth Games, and the subsequent award, has been nothing more than a gigantic con in order to provide state aid for Celtic. It seems, too, that Peter Lawwell was put in charge of the Games, with carte blanche on how the money was to be spent.
The Scottish, indeed the whole UK, media are too scared to investigate any of this, being in Peter Lawwell's pocket as they are. McMurdo and his disciples can't understand this and are sacrificing goats by the dozen down the Lodge to get the Great Architect or whatever to strengthen the resolve of the poor, frightened journalists that do want to get this story out there. One lunatic suggests sending e-mails to every newspaper in the Commonwealth, directing them to Football Tax Havens. They might not be the global brand they imagine themselves to be but, by God, they do paranoia on a global scale!
So let's see, there is a huge conspiracy going on to help Celtic and destroy the Ibrox team. Involved in this are Glasgow Council, East Dunbartonshire Council, the NHS, the SFA, the Scottish Government, the Westminster Government, HMRC, the Commonwealth Games Committee and the whole of the British media. Oh, and Scottish Enterprise is involved as well; musn't forget them! Running the whole spider's web of connections, corruption and subterfuge is Peter Lawwell. Isn't it reassuring to know that Celtic is in the hands of a man that single-handedly rules the whole planet? I've heard that Glen Daly's rousing anthem is to be replaced at home games. Starting in the new season, before the teams come out, Peter Lawwell will stand in the Directors' Box, taking a salute to the strains of Harry Secombe singing 'If I Ruled the World'!
Let's put aside the global conspiracy against Bisto FC for a minute and just concentrate on Scotland. On the one hand The Peeppul like to tell us that Bisto is Scotland's biggest club, with a huge support that dwarfs all the other clubs put together. I remember reading one eat-the-breid on McMurdo's blog saying that since less than a fifth of the population is Catholic then that means that more than four-fifths of the population are 'Rangers' supporters! It's hard to argue with that kind of reasoning. But, even allowing for this character's serious mental flaws, he is voicing what most of The Peeppul believe: the Ibrox team is supported by the majority of people - The Peeppul - in Scotland. Which, of course, begs the question of who the hell is conspiring against them!
McMurdo and his disciples are fond of telling us how all the Raynjurz-Haturz have conspired to get themselves elected, locally and nationally. So who's voting for them? I can just see the matrons of Bearsden and Milngavie rushing down to vote their local 'Raynjurz-Haturz' candidate onto East Dunbartonshire Council! Or maybe it's the denizens of Lenzie that are returning these folk to East Dunbartonshire Council. Er...maybe not! If it is true that it's all Celtic supporters getting themselves elected then it's probably down to the illiteracy of The Peeppul. Helpfully, ballot papers have nice pictures at the side so that they can vote for the candidate with the most Raynjurzy-looking picture, like the Tory Union Flag. Unfortunately, however, their illiteracy is so bad that most of them don't know how to spell 'X'. Watch out for a campaign to allow a dirty thumbprints to count as an eligible vote for a candidate!
I see that Bisto FC has decided to have a 'Fans' Board'. Precisely what this board's function would be, other than to shut up the likes of Listy Graham and Halloween Houston I've no idea. In the true spirit of Ibrox democracy, The Peeppul aren't getting to vote for any old candidate. A committee, including Davie Weir and former rugby international Al Kellock (?), will choose who the candidates will be from submitted nominations. No chance of a Sons of Struth candidate, then! And can I point out that Kellock comes from East Dunbartonshire...are they sure he can be trusted?
Finally, I've had to laugh at some of The Peeppul trying to claim Germany's World Cup win as a victory for a Protestant nation over a Catholic one. They've been quite sleekit about it, using phrases like 'Northern European' etc. but we all know what they mean! Things must have changed dramatically in Germany since 1945 as The Peeppul never tire of telling us that it was a Catholic nation that started the Second World War!
It reminded me of an old bigot that turned up at the door of my previous house one Saturday lunchtime. Ostensibly this old witch, and her younger companion, were spreading the word about the Jehovah's Witnesses, multiple copies of The Watchtower in hand. Normally Jehovah's Witnesses and the like avoid my house like the plague. I'm quite happy to spend ages debating with them and not letting them escape. One woman I spoke to in Glasgow eventually had to use needing to collect her daughter as an excuse to get away. Needless to say, after one visit word gets round and they never come back! The pair that turned up that Saturday were our first Jehovah's Witnesses since we had moved in eight years before.
It was a bad day for them to call. I was just about to go to the bookies so I said they were welcome to come back another time. As usual, however, they tried to force the issue, or, rather, the older woman did. She said nothing about the Jehovah's Witnesses; all she went on about was how the Catholic Church did this and the Catholic Church did that, while the younger woman stood looking embarrassed. I asked her if she was recruiting for the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Orange Order. This got her going even more so I apologised to the younger woman and then told the older one to fuck off!
On my way to the bookies I always popped into an elderly neighbour's to see if he wanted a bet put on. Like many old guys he had a house full of blank betting slips so he usually had them ready and filled out before I arrived. When I got to his house there was that old witch banging on about Catholics starting wars all the time. When she saw me approach she started to move away but she was still slabbering on about how Germany was full of Catholics and that's why they tried to take over the world under Hitler. As she walked away, still spouting her bigoted bile, I told her she was talking shite and asked if she'd never heard of Martin Luther.
'Of course I have,' she snapped, 'I have a dream...What's he got to do with it?'
Sums them up, really.
Ally, can you give us your take on the Gaza situation?
"Aye. Wur gonny sign 'im next week!"
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