YE CANNA CHANGE THE LAWS O' PHYSICS!

Yesterday's Daily Record, in its own, inimitable, sneaky way, had a go at actor Brian Cox for being on the side of Scottish independence. They pointed to a short film he made during the Scottish Parliament elections of 2007, when he was on the side of Jack McConnell. In this advert he was all for the Union and seemed dead against Scottish independence. The sleekit implication by the Daily Record is that he's a hypocrite.

As usual, the Daily Record is being disingenous and is just playing up to the morons. People can change their minds. I voted Labour in that election and if the referendum had taken place then I would have voted 'No'. Since then we've had English politics veering increasingly towards the right, with UKIP, the respectable face of neo-Nazism, gaining ground all the time. I don't want to be tied to an increasingly fascist and reactionary state, where caring about your fellow citizens comes way down the list of priorities. Independence is the only way out. I'm not looking to the past, but to the future. I want future generations in Scotland to be part of a world community, not part of an insular, backward-looking nation that peddles nothing but the rhetoric of hatred: hatred of foreigners, hatred of other religions, hatred of anyone with a different-coloured face and hatred of the poor and infirm. Listening to the political debate coming from London is like reading a history book about the 1930s.

Of course, the Daily Record knows fine well that people can change their minds, otherwise why would they persist in their Unionist propaganda? It shows that the Bettertogetherers are running scared when all they can resort to is this kind of smear tactic. And yet they've got the nerve to complain if anyone has a go at JK Rowling et al!

Back when I was in favour of the Union I used to think that Sean Connery had a nerve telling us who to vote for when he didn't live here and didn't pay tax here. (I felt the same, incidentally, about the likes of Joan Collins when she'd be wheeled out to tell us all to vote Conservative/Referendum Party/UKIP/Veritas or whatever the current right-wing cause celebre happened to be.) I am glad that Connery has stayed out of the current debate, as it would provide ammunition to the Bettertogetherers, who would argue, as I did, that it was none of his business.

It has to be said, however, that no matter what anyone (including me) says about Connery, he is, actually, Scottish, which is a lot more than can be said of the folk that the Bettertogetherers have been latching onto. What the hell business is it of President Obama, Hillary Clinton, David Bowie or the Pope how Scotland votes? None of them have any connection to Scotland at all and none of them even live in Britain. The Daily Record is obviously sensitive to these criticisms but they're finding it difficult to find any ex-pat Scots to support the Union. It looks, therefore, like they're going for, if not the next best thing, then at least a desperate approximation.

Yesterday the DR also announced that Mike Myers, the voice of Shrek, is in favour of Scotland remaining in the UK. So obviously this is the new tactic by the Record and the Bettertogetherers: if we can't get Scottish celebrities on our side then we'll get celebrities that have played Scottish people in films and on TV! What a brilliant idea, eh? I hear they've already lined up Christopher Lambert from Highlander and the guy that does the voice for Groundskeeper Willie. What a pity that James Doohan, who played Scotty in Star Trek, is deid, eh? I'm sure he'd have been up for it!

Meanwhile the Bisto gravy train goes rumbling on. Brian Stockbridge has been handed a pile of shares from which he stands to make about a quarter of a million. And Sooperally is looking to sign Marius Zaliukas, another has-been. It looks like he's turning Bisto FC into some kind of retirement home for clapped-out players. I hear John Greig's doing nothing if that defence still needs shoring up.

McMurdo's disciples are in two minds about Sooper's signings; some of them even make more jokes about OAPs and retirement homes than most Celtic supporters! As usual, there's only one thing that can unite The Peeppul - bigotry, both religious and racial. Like a lot of normal people, they can't stand Mark Lawrenson and his comments on the World Cup programmes; this being The Peeppul, however, they can't let it go at that.

"Did you see the blessed Martin on the panel during the Orangemen’s last game. he was doing everything to not give them or their manager any credit".

"Meanwhile on the small island west of the Galapagos known as the great state of Upper Lampapa, Pep Popcorn is on the shortlist for the managers job of Chapati White Mice fc."

"it is irritating to hear these so called experts on the World Cup , the pish that these cunts spout especially that lawrenceson ,you would think that we know fuck-all about football , and then that other arsehole o’neill , patronising scum bastard , and that is me being generous , and then ginger midget with contribution of fuck -all to listen to .[ Strachan ]"

I suppose it's all they have to console them in these dark, dark days!

Finally, remember The Requisitioners? It all seems like so long ago now, even though it's only been seven months. (Your memory will be jogged a bit more if you read 'Clash of the Agnivores'!) Associated with this gang of chancers was a guy called Frank Blin, a millionaire chartered accountant, whom everybody seemed to trust and who was touted as the very model of probity and integrity. It turns out that the tight-arsed bastard screwed his golf club out of £75!

He asked officials at Bonnyton Golf Club for compensation when his car's windscreen was smashed by a ball while it sat in the car park. Thinking that it was a reasonable claim the board gave him a cheque for £75. That would have been the end of the matter if it hadn't subsequently transpired that Blin hadn't been at Bonnyton on the day he said. He had actually been at Turnberry, where a disclaimer in the car park tells patrons that they leave their car there at their own risk. Blin's windscreen was broken at Turnberry and since the stingy bastard couldn't claim from them he pretended that he had been at Bonnyton. He has now resigned from the golf club in disgrace.

The most surprising thing about this episode is that it's not surprising at all. Everybody that has any connection at all to the toxic clubs at Ibrox seems to be nothing more than a pathetic money-grubber. I mean, imagine being a millionaire and yet being too miserly to spend £75! It's like one of us stealing a packet of sweeties! But then I suppose all The Peeppul are like that: from juvenile season tickets to stays at luxury hotels to penny shares to chateaux in France. Onwards and upwards!

Better Together's next recruit.

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