HIDE, MAMMY - THEY'RE COMING!

I couldn't believe it when I saw the headline on the Daily Record's website this morning: "Peter Houston may have a point.. perhaps his Falkirk side didn't get one against Rangers (sic) thanks to a poor referee". My God, was the Record actually going to admit to Sevco getting a helping hand from the man in the middle? Unfortunately not. Like most articles in the DR the headline does not really match what's in the report. David McCarthy's piece is actually pretty anodyne and can basically be summed up by the old Jabba favourite, "These things happen in football, but they even themselves out."

As usual, the DR 'journalist' fails to point out that this isn't the first time this season that Sevco has benefited from refereeing decisions. The hack also fails to portray the true scandal of the story: that Warburton was allowed to meet with the referee at half-time. No other manager and no other team would be accorded this privilege; in fact, I'm sure it's against the rules. Apparently Warburton was unhappy that his team was not award the usual game-changing decisions in the first half and stormed in to remind John McKendrick of his responsibilities. I believe goats cropped up in the conversation at one point.

I see that Imran Ahmad, and his mammy's house, appear to have had their chips. It surely can't be a coincidence that straight after the Daily Record prints the location on a map Cameron has announced the purchase of a squad of new drones? It'll be a lot easier for Jabba, and the mob due to appear in court, to blame Ahmad for everything if he's been blasted to atoms, along with his mammy. It seems that Level 5's tentacles stretch a lot further than we thought!

Meanwhile, the corpulent character that writes the Sevco fan pieces for the Daily Record is trying to ridicule Dermot Desmond for his 'playing in a British league' shite. Unfortunately, like most of The Peeppul, he can't help betraying his own delusions. His headline screams: "British League? Forget it.. the likes of Manchester United see Rangers and Celtic as DIDDY clubs". Again, though, the actual piece tells a different story. He bases his argument on a 'Manchester United supporting friend' saying:

“The thing is, the way you see Falkirk and Hamilton, that’s the way United see you. A diddy team. Where’s the glamour for us?”   

Read that again. "A diddy TEAM", singular; no mention of Celtic or imaginary 'Old Firms'. In other words, the 'friend' was only reinforcing what most of us already know; Sevco is a diddy team. They'd be even more of a diddy team in a different league, where the funny-handshake brigade wouldn't be there to bale them out in every match. The other delusion in this tale is that a Hun would actually have a friend!

Probably the most bizarre Sevco story is the one where 'Scoring Sensation' James Tavernier claims 'legend' John Greig as his inspiration. I was quite baffled at this; how does a free-kick taker get inspiration from a guy that was basically a thug? The article gives a couple of clues. Tavernier talks of having a "little bit of banter with John Greig" and finding "ways to win games." He adds, "We don’t always have to play really good football to get there." That explains it, then. Greig has obviously taken Tavernier to join a certain establishment, where he's had the opportunity of meeting apron-clad match officials. That's what he means by "ways to win games"!

Away from football, I was shocked on Friday to see Ian Hislop, on Have I Got News For You, passionately supporting David Cameron, Boss Hog, in the 'Piggate' scandal. Attack the man for his politics, not for being in a society at Oxford, he ranted. He was so angry and confrontational about it that one wonders where his own private (jap's) eye has been. Coincidentally,  Hislop attended a fee-paying boarding school, where he was Head Boy (make of that what you will) and 'Wet the Biscuit' champion for three consecutive years. He then attended Oxford, although he is remarkably cagey about which clubs he was a member of. I wonder why.

Finally, I'm registered with Facebook but I hardly ever use it. I just look at what other folk have written and make the odd comment now and again. Some people tell you everything they're doing, usually followed by 'lol' or even 'lololol', whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. You know the kind of thing: 'Just eating dinner...lol', 'Watching Strictly...lololol' 'Away for a shite...lololololololol'. As if that isn't bad enough, there's a new craze going on. This involves uploading a picture of some poor bugger with cancer, or a baby born prematurely etc. etc. with the command, "Don't scroll past without saying 'Amen'." You're also accused of being 'heartless' if you don't type 'Amen'. Hopefully, this kind of thing doesn't spread to Twitter or, God help us, blogs.

DEID

Don't scroll past without typing 'Amen'.