WORLD-CUP WARBIE

So that's Scotland out of Euro 2016. Hardly a big surprise, is it? Still, look on the bright side; as the Daily Record always tells us, when a team is knocked out of one competition it means it can concentrate on more important ones. So while the cream of Europe work up a sweat next year, Scotland can get ready to qualify for the World Cup two years later! See, it all works out for the best. We're going to need a new manager, though; a world beater and tactical genius. I think we all know there's only one man for the job. Step forward Mr. Mark Warburton. The man commands, nay demands, respect wherever he goes and he even turned down the opportunity to manage Liverpool, such is his love for Scottish football. And just look at his achievements: Scottish Championship manager of the month! Is there any other candidate of the same calibre in world football? I don't think so.

Maybe we'll get lucky and 'Waggy' will find a Scottish granny tucked down the back of the wardrobe. In fact, get the whole Sevco team down the Blood Transfusion Service and have them pumped full of Scottish blood! Just imagine the fear in the hearts of the Germans, the French and every other country in Europe when they learn that they have to face this team of mighty players, each one a legend in our media's minds.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Waggy is claiming that he isn't using Sevco as a stepping stone. A stepping stone to what, exactly? I don't think there are too many top teams in England, or anywhere else, looking for a specialist in taking penalties. In fact, every team in England has already shown that they don't want this superstar manqué. (Love that word!) The Record, as usual, is still trying to promote him as a 'goal machine'. First they print the truth:

"Waghorn kicked off his career as the next big thing at Sunderland, winning England Under-21 caps in the process, but was eventually sold to Leicester for £3m and a succession of lower-league loan deals followed until he joined Wigan, where he was deemed surplus to requirements."

Then comes the fantasy:

"But the 25-year-old has recovered from those knocks to enjoy a blistering start to his Rangers (sic) career..." He's apparently rebuilding "his reputation as a top player".

Aye, right! So Man. Utd. are going to come calling in January on the strength of him scoring seven penalties against postmen and social workers! He scored nothing against St. Johnstone, remember, so he's still got everything to prove. Oh, wait, sorry...he's the Championship Player of the Month. Silly me. Never mind England; it'll be the Nou Camp next for Waggy!

While our papers all extol the virtues of Warburton's Wonders, they can't help but get their little digs in at Celtic. Last night the Sun (which normal folk wouldn't wipe their arses with) tweeted how disgraceful it was that Celtic had wished ROI good luck when they were effectively Scotland's opponent in the group. Cue all The Peeppul with their usual cries of 'scum' etc. and almost blaming Celtic and ROI for Scotland being knocked out. Of course, this being the Sun, it was all lies. Celtic's Twitter account had earlier wished Scotland all the best against Poland, listing the Celtic players in the team. The good wishes to Ireland appeared later, almost as an afterthought. As usual the truth plays no part in the thinking of either the Sun or the Hun!

I watched the final programme the other night in BBC3's trilogy about racism. This one was all about Britain First and its campaign to kick out Muslims and stop any mosques being opened. The documentary mostly focused on Jayda Fransen, the organisation's deputy leader. Amazingly, this woman was brought up a Roman Catholic and, from the statue of the Virgin Mary in her house, it looks as if she's still practising. The leader of this merry band is one Paul Golding, whom you might remember as one of the leading lights of the 'fleg' disturbances in Belfast. This guy is well-known in Loyalist and Orange circles as well as previously being a BNP thug. I wonder if Ms. Fransen would be willing to accompany her Great Leader when he goes to Northern Ireland to demonstrate against the opening of an RC church! Sorry, Monti, but it looks as if it's not just Huns that are stupid!

Speaking of Monti, look away for a minute, son. I'm up to 88,000 words in my new book and there's still a good way to go yet. But fear not, Sir Monti, I'll reduce the words to the smallest size I can and see if I can squeeze it all into twenty pages or so. It won't hold the utility room door open, but it'll be cheap!

Finally, why can't our unions be more like the French? I've got more reason than most to be pissed off at unions after my EIS rep sat and let me be railroaded out of a job with ne'er a word of protest. It wouldn't be like that in France. Did you see those board members of Air France after they'd announced job losses? The chairman's suit was in shreds, while the personnel manager had the shirt ripped right off his back! That's the way to deal with the bastards!

For Christ's sake - somebody get him a hankie!