THE BIG LIE GOES DOWN UNDER

Keith Jackson has been over in Australia, contributing to a conference on Finance in Sport with his 'expert' and 'insider' take on Rangers (sic). The man really is shameless; he should have been accompanied by the various Internet Bampots that he has stolen his 'exclusives' from on a regular basis. Still, it's worth watching the video to see him squirm when the Australian guy talks about 'New Rangers'!

With a breathtaking brass neck, Jackson tells of how everyone thought of Craig Whyte as a billionaire; everybody, that is, except Jackson. He, apparently, dug away relentlessly to find out the truth and shocked everyone with his revelations. The guy has no shame at all and there's no mention of the phrase 'off the radar'. And then we come to the dreaded 'L' word. The Australian guy, quite reasonably, points out that the current club must be a 'New Rangers', making Jackson fidget and titter nervously as he says that such a claim is a 'bone of contention'. His discomfort is a delight to see!

He goes on to recount how Rangers (sic) has been raped and pillaged by a succession of crooks and gangsters, with only Jackson and the Daily Record fighting the good fight against them all. What was needed, he maintained, was folk that cared about Rangers (sic). And, apparently, the story has a happy ending as such caring individuals are now firmly ensconced at Ibrox; all thanks to Keith Jackson and the Daily Record, of course!

Jackson's being a bit premature, however, since the story's nowhere near finished yet. I've been writing the sequel to 'Clash of the Agnivores' and I'm very nearly at the present time in my narrative. I'll be writing non-stop; I'm expecting big things to happen in the next couple of months, since Bisto FC is, to use the technical parlance, rooked. The Real Raynjurz Men haven't got unlimited funds so they're hardly going to keep throwing money into the pit every month, are they? As Phil Mac Giolla Bhain is always telling us, they have no credit line with a bank so the only option is Mike Ashley. I wonder how that's going to work out!

Meanwhile, Big Mike will be laughing his arse off at the story in the Daily Record today. It seems the five players sent up from Tyneside to save the season are, well four of them anyway, so riddled with ailments and injuries that they should be on the Panel. And, this is the best bit, Bisto FC is paying their wages! I've heard that every time Ashley fucks somebody over he has a sandwich; that's how he got to be the size he is. Well, he's certainly fucked over the Real Raynjurz Men!

While Honest Dave's back over in South Africa, stocking up on biltong or whatever, leaving the other RRM to batten down the hatches, he's also applied to the Court of Session for permission to become a director of Bisto FC. He needs this permission because he was a director of the oldco; which begs the question as to why Paul Murray doesn't need to apply. Obviously King is serious about taking his place on the board, which should make The Peeppul worried; very worried indeed.

With no NOMAD on the horizon speculation abounds as to whether or not King actually wants Bisto FC to become delisted. This application to the Court of Session suggests that he probably does. Remember how he went on before about how he wasn't in the least worried about AIM determining if he was a fit and proper person? Now we can see why. The fact that he's a convicted crook would automatically send alarms wailing at the Stock Exchange but if Bisto FC is delisted then there's nothing to worry about. The Court of Session will be looking purely at the Insolvency Act and, given how every authority in Scotland has bent over backwards to accommodate the new club, he'll no doubt be passed as acceptable. As a director of a private company he won't have to worry what AIM thinks and a firm handshake with Campbell Ogilvie EBT will ensure there are no problems with the SFA either.

Being in charge of a private company will afford King and his cronies the luxury of doing away with little inconveniences like published accounts, auditors and AGMs. There's still the problem of money but, then, all manner of shady deals would be possible with nobody being any the wiser. The Peeppul can then blindly turn up to cheer on the Real Raynjurz Men with not a care about how the club is being financed. There will be no more behind-the-scenes stories in the media, since nobody will have a clue what the hell's going on. The officials can go back to the old 'special relationship' and the media can go on about the resurgence of Rangers (sic) and what a great team it is. Everybody's happy! Except, of course, that whatever financial plan is in place would probably be unsustainable in the long term. But, then, when did The Peeppul ever worry about the long term?

A bit of politics, and I see the Daily Record now has an election banner saying, "ANYONE BUT THE TORIES." Their editorial, however, continues to bash the SNP, still making out that a vote for the nationalists will let the Tories in. This despite the fact that we're all aware of Scottish Labour encouraging folk to vote Tory to keep the SNP out! So if we're not to vote SNP, who is the 'anyone' that the Daily Record suggests? The Liberal Democrats? But they're in the coalition. The Greens? Their on the side of those perfidious 'nats'. So who should we vote for, according to the Record? Well, if we're sick of Labour then there's only one alternative. It's the party of the thugs that rampaged through George Square the day after the referendum result. It's the party of a good chunk of The Peeppul. Step forward Nigel Farage; the Daily Record's choice for Prime Minister!

While we're on the subject, they're still peddling the 'Cybernat' myth. Some saddo tweeted Ruth Davidson with a torrent of homophobic abuse, so it's all the fault of the SNP, even though he's now been kicked out of the party. (Incidentally, we're still waiting to find out who organised the savagery in George Square; and it was organised. No cybernat-style finger pointing there, eh?) Now they're trying to make a story out of nothing regarding a 'senior SNP member' offering 'PR advice' to this idiot. The truth is that this 'PR advice' amounted to nothing more than telling the clown to shut up and apologise to Ruth Davidson. Hardly the scandal the Record makes it out to be; talk about desperation! And what the hell is a 'senior member' of the SNP anyway? As far as I'm aware he's not on the party executive committee or the like. Oh, wait! A woman he works with is the wife of a YES campaigner. Guilty as charged, then!

But hold on a wee minute there! What's that the guy that made the homophobic comments is  wearing? That looks like a Celtic top! Well, that settles things totally. He's obviously a Republican, terrorist-supporting, benefit-scrounging, drink-sodden, kiddy-fiddling, Fenian bastard! That's it - I'm joining UKIP!

Despite a lack of support for the Crowdfunder campaign, sales of 'Fear and Smear' are creeping up. I've also reached the giddy heights of having a couple of trolls on my Amazon page. Both of them have got previous for deriding any independence-themed or left-wing books. One of them, calling himself 'hugo', was challenged about this, since it was obvious he hadn't read the book concerned. He explained that, although he hadn't purchased the book, he had borrowed it from the library. I've accused him of not reading mine and I'm hoping he claims to have got it in the library so I can laugh at him! Why do these idiots bother?

Finally, a monumental balls-up by a couple of The Peeppul. Dick and Wullie, from Cockenzie in East Lothian, were apparently under the impression that the Rangers (sic) EGM hadn't taken place yet and that it was still being held in London. After weeks of living rough, they finally believed that they had found their destination. They received some funny looks during the organ recital when they started to praise their leader with chants of, "Wan King! Wan King!" After inspecting a few members they realised they were in the wrong place. There ensued a bit of a fracas, which ended in Dick and Wullie being ejaculated from the venue, taken to the short, stone wall outside and tossed off. Event organiser, Everard Stonner, claimed that the two men had been drunk, abusive and aggressive. Dick and Wullie said that "Wiz a load" and the last thing they wanted was to be "splashed all over". Chris Graham was unavailable for comment.  http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/family-relationships/small-penis-party-average-size-5364465

"'T'ye sayin', ya dobber? Naw Ah wisnae it that hing in London! You ask Sue, she'll tell ye. Ah'm a fuckin' stallion 'n 'at, so Ah um! Ah need tae use a bin bag furra condom, so Ah dae. They don't call me 'Tripod' fur nothin' pal! Etc...etc...etc..."