FIFAS AND FIFERS

The SFA has finally decided to cut ties with Qatar; a case of stable doors and bolting horses. Simon Barrow, of the Scottish Football Supporters Association, said: "The voice of fans who do not want football to be a blood sport has been listened to." As the wee neds used to say on Chewing The Fat, "Naw it hisnae!" For ages they refused to heed everybody going on about the human rights abuses in Qatar but now, suddenly, they're all concerned. The real reason, of course, is that they're shitin' themselves.

FIFA doesn't run in isolation; all the FAs of the world are involved, voting on committees, electing officials and taking backhanders. If there's corruption at the top then you can be damned sure that there's corruption throughout. The Irish FA has already admitted to taking hush money and there are probably sphincters quivering worldwide while shredding machines work overtime and money is quickly transferred into other accounts. We already know about corruption in our FA in Scotland and you can bet everything you own that they'll have had their hands in the FIFA till as well. The last thing they want is investigators at Hampden; God knows what other secrets the G-Men might uncover!

Speaking of corruption, it seems Sevco are going to announce their new manager this coming Friday. Hands up if you think it'll be Stuart McCall - after considering other 'top' candidates, of course! Paul Murray gave the news to the annual  meeting of the North American Rangers Supporters Association in California. One hopes that the attendance at this meeting was better than that for the OrangutanFest in Glasgow yesterday!

Despite the weather, the Orange Order has tweeted the following, "Congratulations to the Glasgow Orange for a great Orangefest today. Over 10,000 people were recorded entering the event throughout the day". Pictures of the event and eyewitness accounts, however, tell a different story. In fact, there were probably more people at WeirFest at Balmaha, celebrating the life of Tom Weir!

It seems that only the hardiest of bigots turned out to stand in the pishing rain and get blown from one side of the square to the other. They were entertained - if that's the right word - by Lambeg drums and funny wee men from Northern Ireland shouting about how there will soon be too many Catholics in the Six Counties and how the Church of Scotland is betraying everybody with its sinful ecumenicalism. You can just imagine the Homburg hats vibrating above those red, shaking jowls! I don't know what remedies they propose for their problems; maybe the King Herod solution for all those Catholic babies and another Church Disruption is what they're looking for.

As for The Peeppul staying away in droves, the fact is that most of them aren't interested in listening to all this 'Protestant' shite! You get these wee Homburg men standing on a makeshift dais at Glasgow Green after the Twelfth parades, banging on about Whores of Babylon and Papist conspiracies. They usually have to dodge a barrage of empty beer cans and the odd Buckie bottle as the drunken revellers want to have an alcohol-fuelled sing-song, not listen to some boring, old cunt! If the weather had been better then they'd have been there, providing their own 'entertainment' on the peripheries of George Square. The bad weather meant a lack of 'fun' and if they wanted to be harangued by somebody in a dog collar then they'd go to church, wouldn't they? At least, that's what they think happens at church; none of them have ever actually ventured in to find out!

The rank-and-file of the Orangutan Order tend not to be the brightest lights on the Christmas tree. They don't want to hear explanations, or histories or anything; they want slogans, chants and easy-to-learn songs. I've seen a few pictures of parades where I've recognised folk that I taught at some time. I always remember them as the ones that never had a pencil, never practised their reading and that used to sit in the classroom, eyes glazed over, not knowing where, or even who, they were.

I recall one lad, sitting in a music lesson where the peripatetic music teacher was talking about instruments in the orchestra. His head only lifted, and his finger removed from his nose, when he heard the word 'flute' being mentioned. He was quite indignant when the teacher explained that the instrument he was learning to play (he was 10 at the time) wasn't a flute, but a fife. He sat muttering about her not knowing anything; he'd been told it was a flute doon the ludge and that was that!

I wondered how he was going to manage learning an instrument since he had trouble with the two-times table and couldn't spell the simplest of words. Even learning to play by ear would probably present difficulties. He seemed pretty determined, though. That was years ago. I recently spotted him on a Facebook page. He wasn't playing a flute, or a fife for that matter. He was battering hell out of a Lambeg. I guess things didn't work out too well with the fife!

Lastly, botanists are ready to unveil the latest addition to Earth's flora - the Sevco plant, Sevconis sevconis zombilius. You can read all about it here. 

P.S. I see I've been removed from Celtic News Now. Was it something I said?

"And we want to know, Lord, how long we have to put up with all this shite. Why is the Bogside still standing? Why isn't Garvaghy Road opened like the Red Sea so Your people can walk through? Why haven't You made all the Catholic women in Ulster barren? Why is it pissing down on Your people in Glasgow while Spanish Catholics are basking in sunshine? It's not on, Lord. I'm beginning to think, Lord, that you're a bloody Papist! And before anyone says, it wasn't me that died; it was the holding company!"