IF YOU LIKE LOT OF CHOCOLATE ON YOUR BISCUIT JOIN OUR...HOLDING COMPANY

In yesterday's Daily Record Hugh Keevins went a bit off-track, mentioning the forbidden 'L' word. The article was about Lee McCulloch, who was banned from saying anything about the karaoke. Whether this was out of embarrassment or to stop him from revealing what a shite singer Sooperally is has not been made clear. McCulloch did, however, stick diplomatically to the script, going no further than saying that Rangers went into administration. Losing to Raith Rovers was apparently worse than that. He goes on to say,  “The players obviously owe the manager for the support he has shown us, myself in particular, over the past couple of years since the club went into administration."

Okay, now I'm confused. Let's get this straight: the club went into administration. I've heard this before from all quarters so we can take it as read that the club did indeed go into administration. But then there was a liquidation, wasn't there? Or did I just dream that part? So the club went into liquidation. No, wait, it's supposed to be still there so it was a holding company that went into liquidation. But, then, why wasn't the holding company the one that went into administration? So the club didn't go into administration at all. So why do they keep saying that it did? Christ, ma heid!

To add to the confusion The Rangers Football Club Ltd has now posted full-year accounts. It doesn't make for great reading if you're a Bisto Kid but we'll forget about that for the moment. We discover in these accounts that The Rangers Football Club Ltd owes its parent company, Rangers International Football Club Plc, £16.16m. Right, so Rangers International Football Club Plc is the holding company and The Rangers Football Club Ltd is 'the club.' This is confirmed by RIFC being described as “the holding company for the Scottish football club 'Rangers'”. So that's that then.

But wait a minute, The Rangers Football Club Ltd describes itself as operating "a professional football club in Scotland, together with related commercial activities” So if it operates the club, then it can't actually be the club, can it? So, in effect, it's the holding company for the club. What is the football club called? Rangers? But RIFC says it's the holding company for Rangers. So where does TRFC fit in? So are there two tiers of holding companies? And wasn't Rangers the club that went into administration? But if it went into administration then it must have gone into liquidation. Or was that the holding company? You know what? Fuck it!!!

One interesting aspect of the accounts is that it confirms what everybody suspected: Sooperally is still getting his £800,000 a year. That'll be why he just stands on the touchline with his arms folded; he's making sure his bulging wallet doesn't fall out for everybody to see. So much for him taking a reduction, eh? Just one more of the catalogue of lies emanating from Ibrox; they even lie to their own supporters!

Back to McCulloch, who decides to have a dig at Beram Kayal, saying that he 'never touched him' and that 'there was no contact.' If that was the case then why did McCulloch subsequently roll about on the ground, holding onto his foot as if he'd been injured? It's a simple matter these days to check these things on the likes of YouTube, where it is easy to see that McCulloch is a bare-faced liar!

Still with the Daily Record and there's a man there with probably no future at all in Scottish sports journalism. He had the absolute gall yesterday to claim that the current league set-up is working fine and the relegation play-offs are providing plenty of excitement. Doesn't he know that we're living in a no-man's-land at the moment, every team in Scotland just killing time until Bisto FC get 'back' to their 'righful place'? More worrying than the piece itself is the fact that it was allowed to go to print. Who the hell is the sports editor these days? This would never have happened if Big Jabba was still around!

Meanwhile, it's a Shock! Horror! moment as the DR infoms us that the YES vote has levelled out and shows no signs of increasing. This, however, is based on a survey of 1000 people by Survation, a private polling organisation. I would imagine that they don't interview the same 1000 people every month or even stand about in the same town or city all the time. By those criteria there are going to be different results every month, sometimes widely different, even with scrupulous attention to surveying a wide demographic. Also worth taking into consideration is the fact that Survation are the pollsters of choice for the extreme right-wing Daily Mail. You have to ask yourself why!

Survation is also based in London, which might suggest a certain lack of knowledge about Scotland. You can just imagine Nigel suggesting to Cecil that they might try that little town on the map called Larkhall and see how they do.

"Excuse me sir, can I ask you how you're going to vote in the referendum?"

"Referendum? What's 'at? Is that tae dae wi' referees ur somethin'?"

"No, sir, it's about independence for Scotland."

"Aw, Ah'm pyoor no' waantin' anyhin' tae dae wi' that. Ah'm aw fur the Yoonyin 'n 'at."

"And may I ask why you're voting that way?"

"Cos Ah'm a Rainjurz supporter!"

"Put him down as a NO, Nigel. Excuse me, madam, may I ask how you're going to vote in the referendum?"

"Ur ye waantin' a shag, big man? It'll jist cost ye a fiver!"

"Er...no, madam, thank you. We just want to know how you're going to vote in the referendum."

"Stoap wastin' ma time, dickheid. The methadone clinic disnae open tae wan a'cloak an' Ah'm dyin' furra fix. Tell ye what, Ah'll suck yez baith aff fur three quid!"

"No, thank you."

"Well fuck yez!"

"Put that down as another NO, Nigel. Ah, sir, may I ask how you're going to vote in the referendum?"

"Fuck off, ya fud!"

"Put that one down as a NO as well, Nigel."

"I say, Cecil, it looks like the pendulum is swinging back towards a NO vote, doesn't it?"

"Right, tell mae that again. So the holdin' company fur Rangers is RIFC. Okay, so who ur TRFC? So they run Rangers, so they're the holdin' company. Naw? The holdin' company is RIFC an' the club is TRFC? So who ur Rangers? The club, ye say. But Ah thoat TRFC wiz the club? Aw, right, TRFC runs the club. So it must bae the holdin' company, then! What d'ye mean, naw? So ye're sayin' RIFC is the holdin' company? Fur fucks' sake! Hiv Ah even goat a club tae foally?"